how to stop giving off the vibe of a damaged person

[meta.morphate]

I read in another thread on the Abuse board that some people who have been in abusive relationships and have been damaged, give off blinking lights that say, "I'm damaged and you can just do whatever you want and use and abuse me because I'm screwed up".

 

 

That resonated with me because I've always identified as a damaged person- I don't call it that in my head, but I always think/say "I have a dark side". And its basically the same thing.

 

 

I used to be addicted to cocaine and partaking in a lot of other drugs, and I would wonder if people could just TELL that about me or not. And then after I was not using anymore and became basically a completely different person, I still felt like, people would look at me and think I use drugs.

And even now that I have been this "new" person for a long time (about five-six years) a guy at work recently said, "You're a mystery to me, like I haven't figured you out yet, because you're so bubbly but I feel like you have a dark past." And at the time, I was just like ok ay .... but once I read that other thread that I mentioned, I was like, oh damn .. that's what he meant.

 

 

So how do you stop being that person? I know I posted a thread about a toxic relationship I've been involved in, and obviously that's not good for me as a person, but even before that and beyond that, I just feel like I give off the vibe as someone whose just down for whatever and will accept whatever kind of treatment, because that's always what I GET - even though I don't think I necessarily ACT like that way or say anything to make people think that.

[todreaminblue]

I was once told by a therapist we can treat your illness because you want to be better, but unfortunately we cant medicate others bad behavior..bad behavior cannot be medicated .we can give you strategies to deal with others bad behaviors.......your post reminds me of that therapists comment....because as a person who has survived trauma.....abuse...multiple times in more than one form....your comment about what is it about me that gives off a signal....resonates.....

 

ill tell you what helps me.....scar tissue si actually stronger than unscarred flesh and yes we are vulnerable to being hurt but so is everybody.....being scarred doesnt mean that we wont get hurt or that we will get hurt more than the person who hasnt any scars...

 

every person has their hurt to come...it just takes on different forms..no one gets through life without hurt pain or heart ache...thats just fact.....

 

one thing i know i can do to be the best person i can be...is to do my very best to not be that heartache pain or hurt to another....

 

that is how the people who have hurt me have failed dismally.....to change me from who i am ....or whom i want to be....

 

.or to whom i aspire to be....has no bearing on them....it is all me...

 

so nasties can be attracted to me....doesnt mean that i am a bad person.....if anything they are attracted to me for what they lack...who knows...it isnt up to me to define.........

 

 

...we can however protect our vulnerability..... if we guard ourselves...and i have those guards..they have to get through scar tissue to get to the heart of me.....visible and non visible...i have my inner soldiers ready......

 

and the right people will get through......that includes the right guy will get through.....just like you

 

 

seek talk therapy...i approach therapy holistically..i use writingto help me...poetry....prose ....paragraphs of senselessness sometimes...actually helps me focus....

 

 

.you might need more or take a different route under guidance from a doc......reach out and find a compassionate therapist who will be kind and honest with you...i was blessed i guess with finding more than one therapist who was thoughtful with me.....and inspired to say exactly what i needed to hear ....i find spiritual and religious leaders also very helpful and inspired when i am confused...i always have believed god sends me people sometimes to touch my heart with truths..........and..my suggestion or advice i give with encouragement,is to seek out a good compassionate therapist..........i wish you peace...deb

Edited June 30, 2017 by todreaminblue

[salparadise]

Individuals have varying degrees of ability to read social cues, some of which are extremely subtle, and it often determines their success or lack thereof in life, love and business... but overall humans are highly sensitive to reading/interpreting social cues.

 

Cues (involuntary behaviors) are integrated into almost every aspect of your being. It's difficult to intentionally change them, but it can be done. It probably takes someone who is highly sensitive to cues to intentionally change their own. Most are involuntary while others we switch on and off at will. It's the involuntary ones that reveal to others who you are. Even if you manage to change your initial presentation, you can't fool all of the people all of the time. The amount of information transmitted by eye contact and movement is amazing.

 

Have you seen the movie,

? If not, that's probably a cue in and of itself. Watch this clip and others from that movie. Then rent or stream the whole thing –– it's truly classic.

 

Here are links to a listing of aspects of non-verbal communication.

Non-verbal communication 1

Non-verbal communication 2

 

Here's an important talk by Brené Brown on vulnerability, worthiness and authenticity. This is probably a better goal than trying to change presentation, although I'm not saying it's a bad thing to become more polished. These are not mutually exclusive.

Edited June 30, 2017 by salparadise