If you are a bs

[wmacbride]

If you are a bs who has reconciled, what steps did your ws take to help make it a success?

 

In our case, which certainly is not the norm, there wasn't a lot he could do,at least at first. When he came back, he began putting in huge amounts of work on himself, as his behavior ( well beyond the A) had become disordered and he knew he needed to reach out for help beyond anything I could do for him.

 

He worked so hard, and I know there were times it almost broke him. To be honest, I still don't know how he faced everything that he did, and I don't know if I could have had the courage he has shown through his action of working through all of it.

 

I am actually humbled by it. I know it wasn't easy, and it was even harder, given the culture he is in, to ask for that help.

 

If you are a bs who feels that you and your ws have reconciled successfully, what did your ws do to help? Of this, what do you feel was the most important?

[dichotomy]

EA's and other complications

 

1) I had my "must haves" - to remain married

 

2) I had my "want to haves" - to fully/happily reconcile.

 

 

I got 100% of #1 (duh still married)

 

I got 30-50% of #2 (not so happily married)

 

 

 

Sorry I can't offer a full reconciliation success story and what it took.

[wmacbride]

EA's and other complications

 

1) I had my "must haves" - to remain married

 

2) I had my "want to haves" - to fully/happily reconcile.

 

 

I got 100% of #1 (duh still married)

 

I got 30-50% of #2 (not so happily married)

 

 

 

Sorry I can't offer a full reconciliation success story and what it took.

 

That's okay, and thank you for taking the time to answer.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what do you feel is keeping you from being able to say your marriage is happy? Do you feel it;s something that can be worked on over time, or is it just the way things are?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I cheated first...and two years later he cheated. What have we done? We became transparent...we set stricter boundaries...we went to therapy...which was a complete waste of our time and money...we talked...we treated each other respectfully...we stayed close to God....we clung to each other...we talked and talked and talked.

 

We joined an internet forum....we read books and we continued to talk and talk and talk.

 

We are 33 years into our reconciliation. We love each other...we respect each other and we truly enjoy being together.

 

We both have worked very hard to make each other feel special...we never take each other for granted.

 

Our children are grown and have families of their own. We travel...and are looking very forward to retirement next January.

[Mr Blunt]

what did your ws do to help?

 

1 Made a complete break from OM

 

2 Showed no sign of being interested in the OM for years

 

3 Showed actions that she wanted to be with me and I am the only man in her world

 

4 I divorced her and that hurt her a lot but she stayed with me in a divorced state for over 4 years (Remarried after 4 years)

 

5 I gave her every opportunity to leave for 4+ years but she stayed

 

6 She got closer to her faith and God.

 

 

 

 

what do you feel was the most important?

Number 3 and 6

 

 

We have over 20 years of R and our life together is mostly good and we have a very close relationship with our children and grandchildren

[knabe]

1 Made a complete break from OM

 

2 Showed no sign of being interested in the OM for years

 

3 Showed actions that she wanted to be with me and I am the only man in her world

 

4 I divorced her and that hurt her a lot but she stayed with me in a divorced state for over 4 years (Remarried after 4 years)

 

5 I gave her every opportunity to leave for 4+ years but she stayed

 

6 She got closer to her faith and God.

 

 

 

 

 

Number 3 and 6

 

 

We have over 20 years of R and our life together is mostly good and we have a very close relationship with our children and grandchildren

 

 

Yep....ACTIONS

 

Feeling can be fleeting and unpredictable.

 

Every marriage recovery focuses on ACTIONS.

[dichotomy]

That's okay, and thank you for taking the time to answer.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what do you feel is keeping you from being able to say your marriage is happy? Do you feel it;s something that can be worked on over time, or is it just the way things are?

 

 

1) While she cut off contact (from her side) with OM/MM, and her enabling Girlfriend - She refused to confront them. For a while (2-4 years) they (MM and GF) reached out to contact her. While I understand she felt ignoring their calls and messages was good enough, I asked her to stand up to them - tell them off, and also be accountable for her choices to them ("you were wrong, I was wrong, I hurt my husband and others" kind of conversation). She could not face them - she could not defend me. No way to resolve this now.

 

2) Her feeling bad/regret/sorrow was VERY slow to come AND it was very modest regret. Its just the way she is. She is tough broad who does not really do regret or sorrow for long if at all. I got maybe a few weeks of sorry, or modest sensitivity and then it was over. She moved on.

 

3) While this was all happening (Dday was shortly after wedding) her sexual interest stared oscillating downwards - with occasional short blips of nice sex - it just got worse and worse and now its the worst its ever been this last year. On one hand its a issue many face not tied to adultery, but I can't separate the two since she was so wild with others.I feel "cheated" out of something again. I also believe she is naturally "Poly"

 

Counterpoint -

 

To add some positives WW has improved in many (many) other areas, she is more helpful, respectful/praising to me, contributes more financially, takes me on nice trips, buys me nice things on holidays and birthdays, helps around the home, and she is even a better mom. We made it past alot of rough stuff - including a bad ex husband and troubled kids. She is also more mature and level headed about life. All things I wanted in my life from a wife.

Edited July 1, 2017 by dichotomy

[merrmeade]

I like this. Reading others' lists makes me more appreciative of what I did get.

 

1) Immediately and completely denounced his actions and wish to change and never changed this position or made excuses.

 

2) 'No contact' was complete and final. I monitored, but there was never anything new.

 

3) He never made demands, criticized or passed judgment on me. He was softer, more tolerant, flexible and gentle.

 

4) He was terrible at talking or answering questions, but whatever upsets we had, he was always sweeter and more helpful than ever the next day.

 

5) He never resented my bouts of depression or hysterics, which went on for months and months.

 

4) He buckled down and worked in the ways he knows how. He became the best provider, homemaker and helper he could.

 

I'll leave it there and not add the things he didn't do - for now. It's a good meditation.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Welll I already said mine in another thread but MacBride thinks it was not enough

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Yep....ACTIONS

 

Feeling can be fleeting and unpredictable.

 

Every marriage recovery focuses on ACTIONS.

 

 

Hummmm...interesting Knabe.....my actions counted for nothing and it was my feelings that mattered in my case....seems a little two faced to me.

 

Which is it actions or feelings?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hummmm...interesting Knabe.....my actions counted for nothing and it was my feelings that mattered in my case....seems a little two faced to me.

 

Which is it actions or feelings?

 

Ray...First you are not a betrayed spouse...second..the question asked was personal...If you are a bs who has reconciled, what steps did your ws take to help make it a success?

She knew that the answer would be diferent for each of us. There is no one size fits all.

 

I beleive that feelings LEAD to actions. Becasue my husband still loved me...he was willing to DO the things I needed to heal. I beleive it requires both feelings and actions. But maybe someone else only requires one or the other.

 

It is personal.

[wmacbride]

Ray...First you are not a betrayed spouse...second..the question asked was personal...If you are a bs who has reconciled, what steps did your ws take to help make it a success?

She knew that the answer would be diferent for each of us. There is no one size fits all.

 

I beleive that feelings LEAD to actions. Becasue my husband still loved me...he was willing to DO the things I needed to heal. I beleive it requires both feelings and actions. But maybe someone else only requires one or the other.

 

It is personal.

 

Exactly.

What I needed form my ws was for him to get some therapy, not just for our marriage but for himself, as he was drowning and needed help I didn't know how to give him.

 

He put in so much effort, and I am still humbled at how hard he worked. I know none of it was easy for him, but he did it. For this, he will always be one of my heroes.

 

Also, he told me about the A on his own, and did his best to help me learn that I could trust him again. I expect that was really frustrating for him. We talked a lot, and still do, and we don;t shy away form talking about his A sometimes. Maybe once a month one of us will mention it, but not in a " you are so horrible, look what you did " way. It's more like we are cleaning up any residue left.