Too much guilt

[bct2017]

Hello I am going to try to keep this to the one thing that is causing me the most guilt, depression, anxiety.

 

I met my wife online when I was 32 and she was 34 I am now37 and she is 39.

We married after one year. My spouse has been in the united states since 2001 and she does not have many american friends. Her friends are eastern European.

 

I am sorry but this is going to be more like bullet points because i do not feel like writing a book right now.

 

I thought when I met my wife that I was open to having children at some point. She said she wanted kids. After being together for a couple years I found that things that I thought were cultural in the way she acted may have actually been an intelligence thing. I got anxiety because I could not picture having a kid with her we developed communication problems, lack of chemistry, no sex life.

 

About two years ago her only family in the country passed away it was her aunt it she was like her mother. All of spouses family is in Europe and she does not see them often.

 

 

My spouse is very un happy with her life she is a nanny since 2001 and makes good money but she does not like it anymore. I tried to help transition into a new job but she does not want to start from the bottom. She wants to start a job with good pay at the start. I feel with her vocabulary and the fact she only has GED her goal of being a nurse is almost un realistic. She has no confidence is not a good communicator and just one example she has difficulty spelling and I am not sure she would be good at documentation as a nurse. I wish she could I am being realistic. So she set another goal to be a medical assistant that was two years ago she has not done anything to get it she did not pass the community college entrance test and needs to take classes under 101.

 

 

I have been burned out and wanted to leave for three years I actually left once for four months a year ago and came back. I feel horrible to leave my wife for many reasons.

 

1. I married her leaving her at 39 is like me saying you are not worthy of having children i am going to find someone else.

 

2. I am not sure people know how hard it is to leave someone that has no family in the country and no support system. I would be helping her find a studio and leaving it is crushing me to do this to someone.

 

3. I have guilt because I feel like I took a leap of faith and realized I was wrong very early on and now I wasted 5 years of her life. I do not get how I was attracted to someone and now i am not I do not get how I let this happen.

 

4. I feel I am doing the right thing but when I see how hurt she is I am not sure if I need to try harder to fix things.

 

5. She does not come up with ways to fix relationship I was always one going to therapy asking her to go to therapy.

 

I am burnt out and stressed I am not sure how I can leave such a wonderful person she is a kind soul and would never harm anyone but I am not in love. I care about her but she is not the one for me. If I stayed in the relationship I feel I would cheat.

 

When I see more confident women that are successful It makes me less attracted to my wife.

[SammySammy]

How much do you contribute to her lack of confindence? You seem to have a very negative and condescending attitude toward her.

 

She can be a nurse. There are many doctors who can't spell. Obviously there are nurses who can't spell. Many of both that don't communicate well.

 

Do you feel like you support your wife? Uplift her and encourage her? It seems that's what she needs right now.

[bct2017]

I feel I helped her a lot I helped her get her GED she did not even know she needed one when i met her. I guided her on what to do guided her on how to make resumes.

 

I am negative now because I feel I figured out how to do a lot in life like get a bachelors degree and no one told me how to do it I got it when I was 30.

 

I worked as a social service director in a medical setting and I saw how hard it is to be a nurse. I told my wife she should try being a server for six months at a restuaraunt to build on communication skills and other skills because all she knows is being a nanny she has only worked with kids since 2001.

 

She is to scared to try serving she said she cannot do it. I took that as an insult because i feel serving tables really teaches you a lot I did it for three years while going to college.

 

I told her to volunteer at a hospital she has not done it. I really feel her being so passive about things and not figuring things out on her own is burnt me out. I am not attracted to it.

 

She has done a lot of dumb things one example we got rear ended the next day the insurance company called up asked her to settle for 800 she did then the next day after that because i had a concusion she want to ER and got MRI brain scan it cost 5000 we just started a new plan 5000 deductible. I had to explain to her how you do not settle with insurance company until you know your OK. I actually got the insurance company to pay even know she settled because I am persistent and i do not give up. This was when we first got married. I spent hours of my time on lunchg breaks and before work fixing what she did. The thing is she did not know what she was doing. Then after that she would not make any decisons when it came to bills or anything she would refer it to me for years I had to deal with everything and I slowly taught her how to deal with people and now she is doing things on her own.

 

When I was first dating her when we would eat out she would want me to order for her. I am not old fashion but i thought it was cultural but it turns out she was asking me to order because she was shy.

 

This is when I started a tough approach and stopped helping her as much because i felt she needed to learn on her own so i would only guide her but not give her every answer.

[bct2017]

How much do you contribute to her lack of confindence? You seem to have a very negative and condescending attitude toward her.

 

She can be a nurse. There are many doctors who can't spell. Obviously there are nurses who can't spell. Many of both that don't communicate well.

 

Do you feel like you support your wife? Uplift her and encourage her? It seems that's what she needs right now.

 

She needs it but I am burnt out who is she going to get it from. I have her many resources employment agencies just for women, told her to talk to school councelors begged her to talk to her friends for help.

 

I think we are both depressed now and she is burnt out also.

 

If she was going to be a nurse she would have to take four college classes just to get to 101 courses so that is one year of college that you do not even get credits for. She is not a hussler like some of these nurses are. A lot of nurses are very social live a very social life in there twenties then go to nursing school. My wife is very introverted she never even had a party stage in her life she does not go out to bars. You can say she is like an angel. I think because i have had a crazy life and up bringing I may be one of the people that is more attracted to a bad girl type and i know that is not good but I am very bored.

[bct2017]

I feel for my wife to be where she needs to be with confidence and communication she would need to seek therapy and help from someone else because I am making iy worse. I have severe diagnosed anxity and ocd and some other stuff and it is not helping situation.

 

I feel because of age now is the time to leave and she still has chance to meet someone better but i feel it may be to late and its causing me great anxiety and depression.

[bct2017]

 

She can be a nurse. There are many doctors who can't spell. Obviously there are nurses who can't spell. Many of both that don't communicate well.

 

 

I mentioned my wife's typing because she is beyond slow if she needs to text her supervisor at nanny job she can spend ten minutes on a text making sure it is worded right and then she will ask me to look at it.

[SammySammy]

I mentioned my wife's typing because she is beyond slow if she needs to text her supervisor at nanny job she can spend ten minutes on a text making sure it is worded right and then she will ask me to look at it.

 

That doesn't mean she can't learn - to spell or to be a nurse.

 

I can fire off a quick post on social media, but, when I have something serious to write, I do the same thing she does. Pore over it over and over again to make sure it's right. I have OCD issues also and I tend to do that about a lot of things. It doesn't mean I'm incapable of learning.

 

Having a GED doesn't mean she can't learn. She can. Even if she has a learning disability, she can learn. And achieve her goals.

 

You need to get a second wind. Maybe both of you need support. Coping strategies. I just don't hink giving up is going to guarantee either of your lives will be better.

 

What's a marriage if you can't support each other when the chips are down?`

[bct2017]

That doesn't mean she can't learn - to spell or to be a nurse.

 

I can fire off a quick post on social media, but, when I have something serious to write, I do the same thing she does. Pore over it over and over again to make sure it's right. I have OCD issues also and I tend to do that about a lot of things. It doesn't mean I'm incapable of learning.

 

Having a GED doesn't mean she can't learn. She can. Even if she has a learning disability, she can learn. And achieve her goals.

 

You need to get a second wind. Maybe both of you need support. Coping strategies. I just don't hink giving up is going to guarantee either of your lives will be better.

 

What's a marriage if you can't support each other when the chips are down?`

yes you are right one of the other problems that I was seeing as a red flag are the day dreaming of being with someone else. Also the fear if I go back to work in social services working with very smart powerful women I am scared I will want that. I feel like it is a sign I do not love my wife. But I am willing to try and figure out why I am thinking about other women.

 

My wife is thinking about moving out in a couple months she started looking.

[SammySammy]

yes you are right one of the other problems that I was seeing as a red flag are the day dreaming of being with someone else. Also the fear if I go back to work in social services working with very smart powerful women I am scared I will want that. I feel like it is a sign I do not love my wife. But I am willing to try and figure out why I am thinking about other women.

 

My wife is thinking about moving out in a couple months she started looking.

 

Her moving out would solve your problem, no?

 

Just get a divorce if neither of you want the marriage.

 

Then both would be free to find somebody "better". I'm not sure better is out there. Just different. We all have our issues.

[bct2017]

She does not want it she is moving out because i pushed her out and she probably has had enough but she is devastated and feels her life is over.

[SammySammy]

She does not want it she is moving out because i pushed her out and she probably has had enough but she is devastated and feels her life is over.

 

So sad.

 

What are you going to do now?

[bct2017]

well I am not to sure on my end i was thinking therapy but it does not always help and I never had a therapist that just said you know what I think you should get a divorce.

 

I may let her leave even know it will be painful and hope that she recovers and builds a life. I am not as worried about me. THe hardest part of all this is age I feel if she was younger this would be an easier decision and we would have more time to work on things but when she is 39 I feel like a decision needs to be made now because if we end it she can have a chance to meet someone else. I am more indifferent to having kids i am not worried about me. I am trying to make things the best for spouse her life is more of a wreck from all of this. I have things to fall back on.

 

BUt it looks like she is going to move out and I will stay here for a year until lease is up.

 

We could work on things for another year but then in a year if things do not work out she will be forty and looking at divorce something tells me to pull the band aide off now.

 

I wish her family in Europe knew what was going on she does not tell them everything. My mom wants us to stay together for selfish reasons like wanting grand kid from her only son .

 

I feel like if her brothers new how we have been living in this termoil for so many years they would be very upset but she does not tell them she keeps everything inside.

 

I wish I could fix things a couple days ago she was in the room crying and I said what is wrong and she said "my life" and I was so sad and hurt I wished I could just turn a switch and love her and have a normal relationship I am sick to my stomach, some people may have just left and think it was an easy decision but i have always been a more emotional person and this has eaten away at me.

 

I almost feel like roomates except we sleep in same bed but have not had sex in over a year. We take care of eachother but it is almost a roomate feel we respect eachother. Usually when we bicker it is me because I am upset at what she did or did not do or if she shows a lack of confidence for some reason that really gets under my skin.

 

I never touched her physically but at times i feel I was verbally abusive because I have called her stupid in the past and called her retarded a couple times but felt really bad and have not done it again. She was shy and did not have a lot of confidence when I met her but I am sure I made it worse. I do not know how to fix it when we went to marriage therapy two times they looked overwhelmed and did not know what to say. I think the fact that I have a history of mental health condition makes it more complicated. Spouse has no history of mental health issues but I feel she is depressed now I would say situational depression I told her to get help but she would never take medication and is the type to not seek help from a therapist.

[bct2017]

I think the reasons I have for leaving are very inmature I wish I could get over them reasons like fantasizing of a better women, who knows if they would want to be with me. having so many issues with my spouses intelect and lack of communication skills judging her personality.

 

I should have known when i got married that culturally she would be different than your typical outgoing american. She is a very private and introverted person.

 

I think what happened is i what heppens to a lot of people the things you are attracted to in the beggining become problems.

 

But I do not want to destroy someones life over these issues I am not sure if I have real reasons to leaver her.

 

She has real reasons to leave me i was verbally abusive and mean to her but she does not want to leave she loves me.

 

Is it ok to stay with someone because they love you and treat you good? I am not sure if I live her I read about love i read some of the road less traveled and if love is actions then yes I love her but I have not said I love you i cant say it I have not said it in years if she heard me say I love you she would not believe me.

 

Are we in some type of codependent relationship ? She does not understand my depression and would let me stay in bed for days if i wanted to and i have. Sometimes I feel like she never really helped me with my mental illness but she does not totally understand mental health.

 

I respect her enough to be with her forever I respect who she is , but my actions do not show it when i get mad at her all the time. The therapist said she deserves better do I just wait until it gets bad enough that she leaves and not care about her age. I left once for 4 months one year ago and I came back i thought i missed her i am not sure if I should have came back.

 

these thoughts go round and round in my head constantly.

 

I was just thinking to enjoy the weekend and not even talk about it.

[Whodatdog]

Maybe it would help her if she were to go back home for a few months. Might help both of you.

[bct2017]

I suggested that to her she did not seem totally motivated for that idea but I was actually going to suggest again. She would also have to decide if she gets an apartment first or after. Or if things work out she would not get an apartment.

 

Where we live most people get apartment in summer months hard to find in winter.

 

I really think she needs a break not sure she will take it.

[Whodatdog]

If she goes back home, she might find it a whole lot easier to move on with her life, being in her own culture and having family around. Being on her own in a strange country with no way to earn a living will be next to impossible.

[bct2017]

If she goes back home, she might find it a whole lot easier to move on with her life, being in her own culture and having family around. Being on her own in a strange country with no way to earn a living will be next to impossible.

 

she has been in the U.S. since early 2001 she has no plans on moving back to the country she is from in east europe.

 

I asked here why she does not want to go back the country she is from is doing better finacially than the U.S. and her family owns a business.

 

She says she likes the US and would never leave after being here so long she views it as a huge step backwards. I even said once I would move to her country and it was not an option. She said I would not make there not speaking the language. My spouse must be using some part of her brain though because she speaks three languages. I could never learn a language.

 

One reason she left was her parents got divorced when she was 17 and it effected her deeply i am not sure she will not say but I believe that was part of her voyage to the U.S.

 

She talks to her family and her brothers all the time on phone if she went home it would only be to visit.

 

 

I agree with you but she will not do it. I will not say where we live but we have harsh winters and I have been thinking of moving to Florida for a couple years and I think she fell in loive with tampa also. SO we may be moving together or separate to Florida.

 

The job thing is a huge problem for her being a nanny for 16 years only working with kids under 5 does not transfer to many jobs. I think because she was a nanny and still is it did not help her develop into a better role and help her English.

 

I admire her I wish I could find a why to rekindle our relationship I am not sure it is to damaged.

 

Its complicated i appreciate your help.

[JuneL]

Maybe she can study to become a teacher to pre-schoolers or to teach the foreign languages she knows to small kids? Is there any chance you can move to an area to take advantage of her foreign language skills? For example, in areas with a decent size of immigrants from her country, there might be demand for people with her tri/bilingual background.

[bct2017]

Hello my wife is 39 and I am 37 we have been married for five years and I have been unhappy for 3.

 

I do not want to write a book so I will leave some bullet points to my main question.

 

1. no physical abuse

2. I am hard on her because she does not have confidence and needs a lot of help from me for things like finding a job or deciding what to do in life. She has been a nanny for 17 years and cannot figure out how to transfer to a different career. She had trouble in community college but still wants to try.

 

3. I am attracted to more confident women and i am scared i will cheat but i never did.

 

Ok those are just a few details but here is the big question my wife is devastated that we will probably divorce she cries and is depressed because she thinks that getting divorced at this age means her life is over and she will never have kids. Part of the reason we did not have kids is because I thought if we did not get along and bickered so much we should not have kids until things like our careers and marriage problems were worked out and now all the sudden age is a problem time goes so fast.

 

Am I selfish to leave someone I care about? I do not think I am madly in love i have not said I love you in years but do I leave a women for selfish reasons because I want more? If I leave my wife she has nothing all her family is in Europe and it is driving me crazy i cannot make up my mind. We went to therapy it does not help a therapist will nit tell you if you should get a divorce unless there is abuse. I mean maybe some therapist might tell you and be honest but we did not get one like that.

 

Part of me says to stop fantasizing about another life and make my wife happy and hopefully I can be happy. One of the biggest problems is my wife is just so shy so when I see an outgoing female it really bothers me and makes me wish my wife was different or I married the wrong person. My wife is very introverted on most weekends we stay in she does not like eating out.

 

I just am not sure I can live with knowing I harmed someone so much by leaving them at a time i life when they are so alone and at an age where they may not meet someone and have children.

Edited July 3, 2017 by bct2017
spelling

[bct2017]

One other bullet point * last septembet I moved out for four months and felt I missed her so we moved back together and right away i though it was a mistake and had a panic attack but tried to make it work because I moved back in. So this will be the second time with us moving apart this time she says she wants to move out and I stay where we have ten months on lease.

 

I just wanted you to see this so you can see one example i am driving my wife insane but i feel i am going insane to been depressed anxiety for couple years.

 

I do not have any close friends my friends live in another state and have worse problems so I do not bother to much. My family does not give good advice they do not know what to say.

[dichotomy]

Ok she is shy, timid, not overly ambitious. You kind of knew that when you committed to marry her right ?

 

How does she treat you as her husband? With respect, kindness, with help around home, with passion (sex)?

 

Look - I have a thing for strong willed women - I married two of them. You get problems with them as well. Marriage can be a challenge with anyone.

 

As for having kids - she is 37 ? So she spends 6 months depressed, maybe starts dating. Dates for a year or two to find someone. Now she is 39-40. Thats a challenging age to have kids, but women do it, but its not easy physically or relationship wise to do. Most men she will meet will likely have kids and be divorced themselves and not likely to want more right away.

 

You will face better odds at having kids, but not necessarily more dating choices.

 

Can she go back to Europe to be with her family if you divorce?

 

I wish I had better advice for you but it doesnt sound like either of you will be happy - she says she wants out now. You may live another 40-50 years.

Edited July 3, 2017 by dichotomy

[JuneL]

OP: I got the impression from reading your other thread that your wife is a bit of a "kidult" and you feel drained about "babysitting" her, right? On the other hand, you also feel bad about "abandoning" her. But maybe this is how she will grow up to be a functioning adult? Did she have overbearing parents? I personally know/know of a few middle-aged people (men and women) like her, and I'm not sure how they managed to cultivate such personality to be honest...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ok she is shy, timid, not overly ambitious. You kind of knew that when you committed to marry her right ?

 

How does she treat you as her husband? With respect, kindness, with help around home, with passion (sex)?

 

Look - I have a thing for strong willed women - I married two of them. You get problems with them as well. Marriage can be a challenge with anyone.

 

As for having kids - she is 37 ? So she spends 6 months depressed, maybe starts dating. Dates for a year or two to find someone. Now she is 39-40. Thats a challenging age to have kids, but women do it, but its not easy physically or relationship wise to do. Most men she will meet will likely have kids and be divorced themselves and not likely to want more right away.

 

You will face better odds at having kids, but not necessarily more dating choices.

 

Can she go back to Europe to be with her family if you divorce?

 

I wish I had better advice for you but it doesnt sound like either of you will be happy - she says she wants out now. You may live another 40-50 years.

 

His wife is already 39.

 

I feel kinda bad for this woman . What's her side of this story?

[bct2017]

She could be kind of a kidult but she is very responsible she has never been late on a bill or misses work. She is a bit of a hypochondriac and so am I so its not good to have that in common. She does not have a whole lot of personality we spend a lot of time watching TV and I am more in to artsy films with deep meaning and she watches a lot of lifetime witch kind of bothers me. But I am addicted to CNN so she says if I am addicted to CNN she can have her lifetime addiction...

[bct2017]

His wife is already 39.

 

I feel kinda bad for this woman . What's her side of this story?

 

 

yes she is 39 and I see her more as the victim. I think when we married i just took a leap of faith and she was more serious and thinking about family. I was just happy to find someone that accepted me.

 

her side of the story is sad she came to this country in 2001 to have a better life she has been a nanny the whole time three years ago her only family her aunt in the US passed away from cancer. All she has is a husband that is leaning out of marriage.

 

 

She does not want to go back to the country she came from she wants to be successful here.

 

I am not sure it is my fault she is not successful because when we met she was 34 I was 32 and she was happy being a nanny and she was happy because it paid a lot for someone with no college education.