adna89 Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 What do you do when you realize your marriage is dead,there is no love...and you come from a culture where divorce is not supported .I have no support from my parents,becase of my past with him they say its my fault he is the way he is.I was bad before towards him.i changed,and he became the person i used to be .So what can i do? here i have no job and no friends. i tried to find excuses for him for long time,but now he is affecting our son...he throw his mobie phone at me and almost hit our kid.I have no idea what to do anymore.What makes me even more feel lost is he behaves good when he is ok but as soon as he gets angry he knows of no limits Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 First is there anybody you can talk to? An aunt, an uncle, a religious advisor, an older friend? Can you get a job? If divorce is truly not a cultural option, look around for fulfilling things you can do while still married. I suppose marriage counseling is out of the Q too? If not try that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 First is there anybody you can talk to? An aunt, an uncle, a religious advisor, an older friend? Can you get a job? If divorce is truly not a cultural option, look around for fulfilling things you can do while still married. I suppose marriage counseling is out of the Q too? If not try that. I am looking for a job now I have no one to talk to,i tried talking with my parents and sister but they all seem to think its my fault because of the past,,where i proved my self to be the negative person.So now they think its my fault,"i make him that bad"..which makes no sense when i try to tell him to try marriage counseling he says he doesnt believe in it,he says he already knows what our problem is...its of course my fault,and our situation where i am just at home and bored,he thinks i should find a job(and i want one as well)..but i do not think a job will save my marriage Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 Divorce may not be supported....but is at an option? Would you receive your share of the marital assets? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 Divorce may not be supported....but is at an option? Would you receive your share of the marital assets? yes it is an option ,but not one that i like,not just for material but mostly psychological...will i end up with a better man? not really,as a divorcee,,not many men will be interested,and how will i handle beeing a single mom with no friends.In my family i would be the only one that divorced,my sister does not support me,,she will most probably not be a support,and other friends i have not here Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) yes it is an option ,but not one that i like,not just for material but mostly psychological...will i end up with a better man? not really,as a divorcee,,not many men will be interested,and how will i handle beeing a single mom with no friends.In my family i would be the only one that divorced,my sister does not support me,,she will most probably not be a support,and other friends i have not here I was a divorced mother, and was not even looking for a relationship when I met my current husband. He is, by far, a better man than my ex. He is a wonderful husband, and an amazing father (my son, and our daughter). He stepped into parenting like he had been doing it all of his life. My son considers him more of a father than my ex. We have been together 19+ years, and are still absolutely head over heels in love with one another. Personally, I would rather be a single mom than a miserable wife. I did that, until I got sick of my toxic ex and dumped him like a bad habit. I was happy as a single mother, and then I met my husband... and the rest is history. Life is too short to waste the years away with someone you do not love, or even like being around. Edited July 1, 2017 by IndigoNight 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 Adna, sometimes a divorce is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and sometimes even your child(ren). Yes, it's scary, and at times it can be very difficult being a single mom. Even with all of the struggles and uncertainties; getting a divorce was my key to happiness. May you find yours.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 OP you have to be very careful and deliberate in your planning and actions due to your situation. Because divorce is not culturally accepted, you are afraid of being ostracized by your family, friends and community. Of course this also affects your children. In fact it may be worse for them. Due to your situation, I think you have to prioritize your plan. 0. Don't have any more kids! 1. Take steps to improve yourself emotionally. Read books about acceptance and work on fighting your demons. Strengthen your "inner mountain". 2. Take steps to financial independence. It is important to get a job and have your own money. Abusive relationships are far worse if you are also completely dependent financially. Having your own money does wonders for improving#1 as well. 3. With #1 in mind. Work on your marriage. Ask your husband what he wants from you to show him that you love him. And do those things because you do love him. Nobody wants to be in an empty marriage. What kinds of actions "fill his cup?" Find out what they are, do them regularly and consistently and he may soften up. 4. Make a plan B to exit your marriage should things get worse. Stash away money when you start working. Find other women who have divorced and talk to them about their experiences. Keep a look out for organizations that support women. Talk to other married women about their marriage and abuse. Unfortunately in your situation, you will have to be patient and plan it out. Societies do change so divorce may become accepted in the near future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 adna89, Can you give a bit more information about your situation? Was this an "arranged" marriage, and what country are you from? It's difficult to help when we don't know all the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 OP you have to be very careful and deliberate in your planning and actions due to your situation. Because divorce is not culturally accepted, you are afraid of being ostracized by your family, friends and community. Of course this also affects your children. In fact it may be worse for them. Due to your situation, I think you have to prioritize your plan. 0. Don't have any more kids! 1. Take steps to improve yourself emotionally. Read books about acceptance and work on fighting your demons. Strengthen your "inner mountain". 2. Take steps to financial independence. It is important to get a job and have your own money. Abusive relationships are far worse if you are also completely dependent financially. Having your own money does wonders for improving#1 as well. 3. With #1 in mind. Work on your marriage. Ask your husband what he wants from you to show him that you love him. And do those things because you do love him. Nobody wants to be in an empty marriage. What kinds of actions "fill his cup?" Find out what they are, do them regularly and consistently and he may soften up. 4. Make a plan B to exit your marriage should things get worse. Stash away money when you start working. Find other women who have divorced and talk to them about their experiences. Keep a look out for organizations that support women. Talk to other married women about their marriage and abuse. Unfortunately in your situation, you will have to be patient and plan it out. Societies do change so divorce may become accepted in the near future. Thank you for this advice,it is something like this i was thinking of Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 I am looking for a job now I have no one to talk to,i tried talking with my parents and sister but they all seem to think its my fault because of the past,,where i proved my self to be the negative person.So now they think its my fault,"i make him that bad"..which makes no sense I agree that you didn't "make him bad." However, for your peace of mind in the short term, re-frame the Q. Tell a white lie. Say to your family, "Assume it is my fault. Tell me how to fix it." See what they say then. When you say "bad" what are you talking about? If he's physically violent, just get out. If he's cold, try to figure out why. If you can trace it back to something -- perhaps you were too negative or came to marriage with fairy tale expectations then pouted when they didn't materialize -- see if you can unravel that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 (edited) What confuses me is he can be wonderful, wonderful man and father but then when we get into an argument he changes so i asked what you suggested ,my mom said "be more smart,sometimes you have to leave an argument even though you think he is wrong,he is not abusive,cheating or drinking" ...i have problems with his mom,him not wanting to help around in home and lack of interest around the kid sometimes.so when i get angry at him i will say stuff that hurt he gets even worse then Edited July 2, 2017 by adna89 Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 when i get angry at him i will say stuff that hurt he gets even worse then Intentionally saying things to hurt him is not okay. It is immature and petty, and you should really stop doing it. Even when he has upset you, it is still unacceptable to lash out verbally with the intent of hurting him. Of course he gets worse! What do you expect him to do? Is he supposed to just take it and do nothing? The two of you sound toxic to one another, and tragically your child has to witness it. Children learn how to have relationships from their parents, so what do you think you and your husband are teaching him? Poor kid. I hope you and his father figure your issues out, and stop with the pettiness and abuse. Your son has no choice, he has to put up with it. How sad. Link to post Share on other sites
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