Competition with Bio Dad... what's going on?

[symphony1125]

Allright guys, I have yet another delima at hand. As I'm sure some of you know I'm a married man with two children, a 16 month little girl and a 5 year old boy (step son).

 

Now, when I told my wife that I loved her for the first time, I meant that I love her and everything about her, including her son (2 years old at the time), and that I would take care of both of them with everything that I had.

 

First of all, when we married, we moved out to Texas soon thereafter...as a matter of fact...we were stationed there for over two years...the sad thing is, in those two years, the biological father only called his son 3 times at the most...two of those time was b/c his own mother reminded him it was his son's birthday...

 

Now, my stepson does have a few problems....

1) He's a type I diabetic

2) He has psoriasis

3) He wears corrective shoes b/c he's pigeoned toed

4) He's very near sighted

 

Allright now, with everything going on with that boy, you would figure that his REAL BLOOD father would step up and help out with his son...yeah right. All of his diabetic prescriptions, glasses, corrective shoes, medicine for psoriasis, has all come out of my pocket...he even laughed when my wife told him that their son had to have corrective shoes..

 

I treat Caleb (step sons name) as my son, I look at him no differently than I do my blood daughter. I love that boy just as I would a son...

 

The point is, is that after the two years in Texas I was reassigned to Ohio (where we moved from in the first place), and now that we live only fifteen minutes away from his bio dad he now takes an interest in him...whatever, I think that his son has become a convenience to him now, and there has been sometimes where I think that he uses him as a weapon, which in my mind, is unnacceptable...but I have no other choice but to keep my mouth shut to him...it's not my place b/c in all reality, I'm just the step dad...

 

Now that they're spending time together (but not really since he's a truck driver and is rarely home which leaves him to his stepmom since he as well remarried) I find myself almost competing.... Now i think that it's great that they're spending time together....it's about time that he took an interest...

 

Now I realize that Caleb is just a kid and he'll love anyone who makes things really fun and w/o consequences, but my wife and I are trying to raise him correctly, teaching him resposibility for his actions, moral foundations, etc...honestly, doing the right thing is making us look like the bad guy since his real father doesn't seem to discipline much, or at least from what I can tell. But it hurts to know that sometimes he'd rather be other places than with us because there's more fun stuff to do all of the time...I mean who needs learning how to read and write when you have ATV's and trains right??....pfft..

 

Now Caleb LOVES ATV's...my inlaws have a set of their own...we been riding with Caleb for awhile now...my wife enjoys it, i enjoy it, and Caleb REALLY enjoys it....anyways, I ended up buying an ATV recently...yes his real dad has an atv too...

 

Anyways, what're your guys thoughts??

[CHAZ87]

What is going on with you and your step-son, sounds an awful lot like my own experience. We didn't get discipline from our bio father. He didn't even put up a fight for custody. My mom remarried a great man who did the disciplining of us. We hated it and rebeled something fierce. My oldest brother moved out because he thought it would be better with my dad and his never ending line of girlfriends. Well my brother has 4 kids with 2 women, living with his wife's grandma, and can never hold onto a job for more than a year. My younger brother is a much longer story, but the ending is getting better and better for him. As for me, I stayed home until I got married, can't pass on mom's cooking. I have a very stable job that pays more than either of my brothers could hope for. I make more than my bio father, which I have not spoken to since x-mas. My marriage has been on the rocks lately, see other posts, and I have a very handsome 4-year old.

 

To sum up. Your step-son will have his eyes opened by one act or another from his own father and he will grow to respect, appreciate, and love you. Look what you did for his mother. Trust me on this. My dad treated my mom like $hit, but she is so much better off.

 

But what you need to do is continue being there for him like it sounds like you have been. When he gets older, bear with him a little when he starts to put up a fight. He'll come around, I did. I love my step-dad very much. He did alot for me, alot more then Jerry ever did.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Iluvsiamese]

I can relate to your dilemma. My ex-husband was not interested in either me or our two kids UNTIL I walked out. Even now, he is not truly interested and only bothers with them when it's convenient for him. My daughter (13) has been aware of this for years, long before the divorce etc. and blatently uses her father for things that she wants. My son, I expect will keep on banging his head on the same brick wall that I did for another few years yet. But even he admits that he uses his father to some extent.

 

My biggest problem is that my ex's "convenience" often involves creating problems for me. Ie: no rules at his girlfriend's house--no bedtime, no limitations, all night tv, etc. He also makes things as difficult as possible for me when it comes to picking them up and dropping them home. He usually collects them sometime on Saturday between 5 and 6pm and brings them home sometime Sunday afternoon. (Sunday morning is completely spent in church, which he pays them to attend.) However, when he can play the benevolent and generous father (which is usually when someone else is paying most of the bill) he will alter his plans, but not inform me. I would rather see the kids have a good relationship with him, but where do I draw the line here? These are only some of the things he does to keep things stirred up and it causes problems for me with my guy, on top of everything else.

 

I have always been the one who did everything with the kids and for the kids. He figured that playing hero once or twice a year was adequate. Our daughter has some special needs and I have always been the one who dealt with the doctors, the hospital and the schools. His contribution was complaining and threatening the people who were trying to help us.

 

Given that the courts are leaning towards joint custody these days, it would be almost impossible for me to have that changed unless he was putting the kids at risk or abusing them. Driving them nuts (and me too, lol) just doesn't count for anything.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle someone who likes to create havoc and has the notion that the entire world rotates at their convenience?

[symphony1125]

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

I have always been the one who did everything with the kids and for the kids. He figured that playing hero once or twice a year was adequate. Our daughter has some special needs and I have always been the one who dealt with the doctors, the hospital and the schools. His contribution was complaining and threatening the people who were trying to help us.

 

Given that the courts are leaning towards joint custody these days, it would be almost impossible for me to have that changed unless he was putting the kids at risk or abusing them. Driving them nuts (and me too, lol) just doesn't count for anything.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle someone who likes to create havoc and has the notion that the entire world rotates at their convenience?

 

Take away the convenience, as your children should be there for anything but convenience. Its a hard thing to deal with, especially being the step parent (in my case). I mean both of our kids have special needs, and as for my step son, I have paid for all of his diabetic supplies (except for one $9 prescription bill), his corrective shoes, all of his pairs of glasses, his psoriasis medication, school clothes, etc, etc, etc.... Yeah, it pisses me off to know that his real father hardly picks up the bill to help out his old son but you do what you gotta do for your kids.