Im a fool, can i fix this?

[JRM74]

Hi,

 

first post and i am expecting to get shot down in flames but dont hold back, you cant give me any more of a beating than i have already given myself.

 

this is a long story so please bear with me, i dont even know why i am posting here but i need to get this out there.

 

Ok, im going to go back to 2014.

 

I met someone via online dating in November and thought that she was the one for me. lets call her X for ease. We embarked on a journey and entered into a relationship. In just a few short months we ran into problems and decided to take some time out. To me this felt more like a break-up, i was upset. Anyway this break lasted about six months.

 

shortly into this break (mere weeks) i met someone else, i wasnt head over heals with this new girl, lets call her Y but she offered an emotioonal and physical outlet after the break, she quickly helped me begin to heal from X.

 

After about three months X and i began to talk again, we talked about the relationship we had and what went wrong. It became apparent that we had feelings for each other and we decided that we should take things slowly. Straight away, i told Y that i still had feelings for X and we were looking to reconcile.

 

Now, Y wasnt particularly happy about this but she stayed around. even after X and I became a couple again, she stayed around believing that things would fall apart and that her and i were meant to be. I accepted this but i did say to Y that as soon as X and i became intimate then she would have to go.

 

Eventually, around October 2015 this happened, I told Y that we had to end it, she fought hard and i pushed her away. now, Y took this badly, constantly harrassing me with emotional blackmail, i was her best friend and she coouldnt live without me etc. I crumbled and Y became a part of my life again - initially as a friend but that developed into a FWB type of thing. the intimate oppertunities between X and i were few and far between (twice between oct-jan).

 

Fast forward to Janurary, things became difficult between X and myself, eventually this led to a conversation via email which essentially showed how incompatable we were. we put things on hold in the way of having remaining to be a couple but we talked to see if we could make any headway.

During this time Y remained in my life, knowing everything - i even turned to her for advice on messaged id received from X and so on.

 

Feburary comes, I am visiting Y and i get some messages from X (she didnt know of Y at the time). I confided in Y, as a friend as the messages were doing my head in.

 

Now it gets complicated...

 

Y, decided, in a drunken state to message X and say something similar to "leave him alone, hes mine and i love him" after a brief exchange, X realised who she was refering to.

 

this of course split X and myself up for a second time, in a nutshell, Y got what she wanted.

 

a month or so passes and X comes back on the secene. we talked and i explained who Y was. i wasnt truthful, i told her that after Y's antics i was having nothing more to do with her. X and I chatted and met a few times, slowly talking of a possible very slow reconcilliaton but we were more like friends.

 

during this period, i knew that i did NOT want to be with Y. trying to tell her was difficult, after cutting her off she would play on me emotionally, sometimes indicating potential suicide. I was weak more times than i can imagine over the past 18 months. It has been a continious yo-yo of push away, give in, make out, push away.

 

Knowing i didnt want Y, i told her that i was still seeing X in the hope she would just get bored.....

 

This is where, just over a year ago Z comes into the picture. Z, i can honestly say has been the love of my life but here we have a problem...

 

X,Y and now Z ----- what a mess!

 

I continued to chat to X, and met for lunch a couple of times, not ever getting overly close, but i think the impression to her was that we were in a very young, slow relationship

 

Y, was still resisting being pushed away and i was weak.

 

Z, at the time knew nothing of this. Z did ask if i was talking to X, i replied with "no".

 

the relationship between Z and i grew at an alarming rate, and i loved everything about us, as did she, it was clear to everyone we adored each other - but i had this horror story going on in the background.

 

It is entirely my fault, i couldve simply told X i had moved on but i didnt, at this point i believed her and i were platonic friends.

 

Y was more difficult , she was like a weight hanging around my neck but i didnt want her, yet i was still sleeping with her.

 

This continued for about a month after meeting Z. when i realised it was Z i wanted to be with i told Y and pushed her away.

Some weeks later, Y managed to pull up the facebook details of Z and messaged me. i got a message something like "this is HER isnt it!!"

 

This message brought on sheer panic, how she found out ive no idea, i thought i had removed all contacts who knew her from my facebook but someone mustve sent her the details.

I fell for it!! i folded to Y's game, i contacted her and entered into dialogue. this took me back to square one with Y.

 

this goes on, the cycle repeats, push away, give in and on a few occations sex.

This time though, i felt blackmailed, after knowing what she did between X and myself (breaking us up) i was terrified she would do the same between Z and myself, i tried to appease her.

 

All behind poor Z's back

 

Fast forward to Feb this year. I had moved and had pushed away Y, feeling more comfortable as Y did not know where i lived... wrong!

 

In feb, i began getting messages from Y, things like "im here, come and meet me" i recognised where "here was" as she sent a picture..... i was with Z at the time and trying to hide all of this.

 

I never met with Y, but it was at this point i decided i had to tell Z of Y.

 

I didnt go into the juicy details, i simply said that i have "a stalker", "i spent a few weeks with her before meeting you" and so on.

 

Z's reply was "ok, thank you for telling me, are you still talking to her?" my reply...

 

"No":mad:

 

This was not true... i was still talking to her, i was doing so to try and keep her from interfering with the relationship Z and i had built.

 

she asked a couple of times since then, each time because she had seen something on my phone when i was flicking through it, a chat window for example. Each time i said "no" quickly changing the subject.

 

Ok, so lets get to a little over a month ago, I had pushed Y away and hadnt responded to her for around 3 weeks.

 

then it happened..

 

Y reveals herself.

 

but not only to Z but also to X too!

 

X thinks she is in a fledgling relationship

Z is deeply in love with me

Y is a lunatic stalker who could never give me up.

 

 

So, all three compare notes, Z is devastated, not talking to me for around a week.

I finally get the oppertunity to meet with Z for a couple of hours. Able to talk to her and immediately discredit X's claim.

Showing Y as exactly who she is and how she has behaved.

 

This settled Z a little, to the point we were talking. I convinced her that everything was not as she was told, despite not telling her the whole "nitty-gritty" of my dealings with Y.

 

the problem is now, ive broken her trust, despite wanting to be with me, she has concluded that she doesnt ever see herself being able to trust me nad as such she has given up on any possibility of reconcilliation.

 

Ive pleaded with her and suggested a number of strategies that we can use so she can try to learn to trust me again, things like tracking software on my mobile and so on.

 

Z isnt having it, She isnt too worried about what she was told by either X or Y, what she is bothered about is that i deceived her.

 

she finally cut all contact a week ago and i am at a loss of what i can do to convince her that, now everything is out there in teh open, there are no more secrets that i am hiding, we can have a fresh start and have a life even better than the last "amazing" (her words). Z has said we had a great year a number of times over the last month (when she would talk to me) but in the next breath she says that she cant help but think it was all a sham.

 

So, ive messed up the best thing that had ever happened to me, all because i didnt have the bravery to push my past in the past.

 

Theres no contact now at all. anyone that knows us as a couple know how happy we were together, some believe that we will get back together and that Z doesnt "want" to split up but believe that Z feels that she has no choice but to. Z as said that she has forgiven me and that she feels better since we have spoken about thinigs but she thinks that i am still lying to myself. I am not but because i give reasons for my actions (protecting us from Y and platonic friends with X) i am just coming up with excuses.

 

Z had, in the past massive trust issues, it took her years to begin dating after being let down by her ex and ive just put her back all those years. I hate myself right now.

 

I know, given the chance NOTHING like this would happen again, ive told her as much but its clear that she doesnt believe me, after all why would she? ive lied to her this whole year!!

 

There is noone to blame for this mess except for me, i take full responsibility for loosing the most precious, wonderful person im my life.

 

Gutted, Only time will tell now but i dont see any way back, especially as there is ZERO contact.

[mikeylo]

Hi,

 

first post and i am expecting to get shot down in flames but dont hold back, you cant give me any more of a beating than i have already given myself.

 

this is a long story so please bear with me, i dont even know why i am posting here but i need to get this out there.

 

Ok, im going to go back to 2014.

 

I met someone via online dating in November and thought that she was the one for me. lets call her X for ease. We embarked on a journey and entered into a relationship. In just a few short months we ran into problems and decided to take some time out. To me this felt more like a break-up, i was upset. Anyway this break lasted about six months.

 

shortly into this break (mere weeks) i met someone else, i wasnt head over heals with this new girl, lets call her Y but she offered an emotioonal and physical outlet after the break, she quickly helped me begin to heal from X.

 

After about three months X and i began to talk again, we talked about the relationship we had and what went wrong. It became apparent that we had feelings for each other and we decided that we should take things slowly. Straight away, i told Y that i still had feelings for X and we were looking to reconcile.

 

Now, Y wasnt particularly happy about this but she stayed around. even after X and I became a couple again, she stayed around believing that things would fall apart and that her and i were meant to be. I accepted this but i did say to Y that as soon as X and i became intimate then she would have to go.

 

Eventually, around October 2015 this happened, I told Y that we had to end it, she fought hard and i pushed her away. now, Y took this badly, constantly harrassing me with emotional blackmail, i was her best friend and she coouldnt live without me etc. I crumbled and Y became a part of my life again - initially as a friend but that developed into a FWB type of thing. the intimate oppertunities between X and i were few and far between (twice between oct-jan).

 

Fast forward to Janurary, things became difficult between X and myself, eventually this led to a conversation via email which essentially showed how incompatable we were. we put things on hold in the way of having remaining to be a couple but we talked to see if we could make any headway.

During this time Y remained in my life, knowing everything - i even turned to her for advice on messaged id received from X and so on.

 

Feburary comes, I am visiting Y and i get some messages from X (she didnt know of Y at the time). I confided in Y, as a friend as the messages were doing my head in.

 

Now it gets complicated...

 

Y, decided, in a drunken state to message X and say something similar to "leave him alone, hes mine and i love him" after a brief exchange, X realised who she was refering to.

 

this of course split X and myself up for a second time, in a nutshell, Y got what she wanted.

 

a month or so passes and X comes back on the secene. we talked and i explained who Y was. i wasnt truthful, i told her that after Y's antics i was having nothing more to do with her. X and I chatted and met a few times, slowly talking of a possible very slow reconcilliaton but we were more like friends.

 

during this period, i knew that i did NOT want to be with Y. trying to tell her was difficult, after cutting her off she would play on me emotionally, sometimes indicating potential suicide. I was weak more times than i can imagine over the past 18 months. It has been a continious yo-yo of push away, give in, make out, push away.

 

Knowing i didnt want Y, i told her that i was still seeing X in the hope she would just get bored.....

 

This is where, just over a year ago Z comes into the picture. Z, i can honestly say has been the love of my life but here we have a problem...

 

X,Y and now Z ----- what a mess!

 

I continued to chat to X, and met for lunch a couple of times, not ever getting overly close, but i think the impression to her was that we were in a very young, slow relationship

 

Y, was still resisting being pushed away and i was weak.

 

Z, at the time knew nothing of this. Z did ask if i was talking to X, i replied with "no".

 

the relationship between Z and i grew at an alarming rate, and i loved everything about us, as did she, it was clear to everyone we adored each other - but i had this horror story going on in the background.

 

It is entirely my fault, i couldve simply told X i had moved on but i didnt, at this point i believed her and i were platonic friends.

 

Y was more difficult , she was like a weight hanging around my neck but i didnt want her, yet i was still sleeping with her.

 

This continued for about a month after meeting Z. when i realised it was Z i wanted to be with i told Y and pushed her away.

Some weeks later, Y managed to pull up the facebook details of Z and messaged me. i got a message something like "this is HER isnt it!!"

 

This message brought on sheer panic, how she found out ive no idea, i thought i had removed all contacts who knew her from my facebook but someone mustve sent her the details.

I fell for it!! i folded to Y's game, i contacted her and entered into dialogue. this took me back to square one with Y.

 

this goes on, the cycle repeats, push away, give in and on a few occations sex.

This time though, i felt blackmailed, after knowing what she did between X and myself (breaking us up) i was terrified she would do the same between Z and myself, i tried to appease her.

 

All behind poor Z's back

 

Fast forward to Feb this year. I had moved and had pushed away Y, feeling more comfortable as Y did not know where i lived... wrong!

 

In feb, i began getting messages from Y, things like "im here, come and meet me" i recognised where "here was" as she sent a picture..... i was with Z at the time and trying to hide all of this.

 

I never met with Y, but it was at this point i decided i had to tell Z of Y.

 

I didnt go into the juicy details, i simply said that i have "a stalker", "i spent a few weeks with her before meeting you" and so on.

 

Z's reply was "ok, thank you for telling me, are you still talking to her?" my reply...

 

"No":mad:

 

This was not true... i was still talking to her, i was doing so to try and keep her from interfering with the relationship Z and i had built.

 

she asked a couple of times since then, each time because she had seen something on my phone when i was flicking through it, a chat window for example. Each time i said "no" quickly changing the subject.

 

Ok, so lets get to a little over a month ago, I had pushed Y away and hadnt responded to her for around 3 weeks.

 

then it happened..

 

Y reveals herself.

 

but not only to Z but also to X too!

 

X thinks she is in a fledgling relationship

Z is deeply in love with me

Y is a lunatic stalker who could never give me up.

 

 

So, all three compare notes, Z is devastated, not talking to me for around a week.

I finally get the oppertunity to meet with Z for a couple of hours. Able to talk to her and immediately discredit X's claim.

Showing Y as exactly who she is and how she has behaved.

 

This settled Z a little, to the point we were talking. I convinced her that everything was not as she was told, despite not telling her the whole "nitty-gritty" of my dealings with Y.

 

the problem is now, ive broken her trust, despite wanting to be with me, she has concluded that she doesnt ever see herself being able to trust me nad as such she has given up on any possibility of reconcilliation.

 

Ive pleaded with her and suggested a number of strategies that we can use so she can try to learn to trust me again, things like tracking software on my mobile and so on.

 

Z isnt having it, She isnt too worried about what she was told by either X or Y, what she is bothered about is that i deceived her.

 

she finally cut all contact a week ago and i am at a loss of what i can do to convince her that, now everything is out there in teh open, there are no more secrets that i am hiding, we can have a fresh start and have a life even better than the last "amazing" (her words). Z has said we had a great year a number of times over the last month (when she would talk to me) but in the next breath she says that she cant help but think it was all a sham.

 

So, ive messed up the best thing that had ever happened to me, all because i didnt have the bravery to push my past in the past.

 

Theres no contact now at all. anyone that knows us as a couple know how happy we were together, some believe that we will get back together and that Z doesnt "want" to split up but believe that Z feels that she has no choice but to. Z as said that she has forgiven me and that she feels better since we have spoken about thinigs but she thinks that i am still lying to myself. I am not but because i give reasons for my actions (protecting us from Y and platonic friends with X) i am just coming up with excuses.

 

Z had, in the past massive trust issues, it took her years to begin dating after being let down by her ex and ive just put her back all those years. I hate myself right now.

 

I know, given the chance NOTHING like this would happen again, ive told her as much but its clear that she doesnt believe me, after all why would she? ive lied to her this whole year!!

 

There is noone to blame for this mess except for me, i take full responsibility for loosing the most precious, wonderful person im my life.

 

Gutted, Only time will tell now but i dont see any way back, especially as there is ZERO contact.

 

I read the entire thing, oh boy !

 

Why are you still in 'platonic ' contact with X and why in contact with Y ? You acting like a scared little boy who doesn't has it in him to close the past and move on. Be a man and leave X and Y in the past. Time to act.

[tough love]

You really can't blame Z for feeling deceived (and even X for that matter) because that is exactly what you did. You will have to let Z decide what she wants to do but good luck regaining her trust, especially if you are still in contact with X & Y (and God forbid there's a T, U & V).

 

You had the freedom of making your choices but you don't have the freedom of consequences for your choices.

[JRM74]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

I am no longer in contact with either x or y.

 

X was platonic, I have been able to show Z a message from within the last 2 months where she herself stated it.

 

Y well she is manipulative, devious and controlling I wanted rid of her many moons ago.

 

My problem is that I allowed an overlap.

 

I am early forties and married twice, one was just a few years, the other closer to 20years.

 

Neither of these marriages experienced anything like this however the following is what I have realized over the past few years..

 

I have never been single for more than 2 months at a time throughout my adult life.

 

I do not know where this stems from but it has become apparent that I really haven't been alone. I've found cracks in relationships and pre-prepaired by finding someone else right after failure and taking anyone that would take me.

 

I know that sounds silly but it's either that or be alone and I believe I have some kind of problem with being alone. When that doesn't work I begin looking and overlap.

 

Z, was, in every way perfect. I had no cause to doubt us even in the early days, hence the overlap with Y.

 

I suppose I thought of Y as a fall back, a just in case. As soon as I realized I wanted her out of my life but it was too late. Knowing what she did. Early 2016 I knew cutting her completely would've led to where I am now.

 

I would like to repeat, noone except myself is to blame for this mess.

[knabe]

Your problem is no backbone and painti g yourself as a victim. You had choices. You chose deception.

 

Overlap? Um...no

[Divasu]

Geesh.

 

The bad news is, each of these connections overlapped with one another in a highly co-dependent fashion. The good news is, you can work on yourself and hopefully avoid repeating it, in the future.

 

But, I think you need to wipe the slate clean first.

 

Good-luck!

[Space Ritual]

Hi,

 

first post and i am expecting to get shot down in flames but dont hold back, you cant give me any more of a beating than i have already given myself.

 

this is a long story so please bear with me, i dont even know why i am posting here but i need to get this out there.

 

Ok, im going to go back to 2014.

 

I met someone via online dating in November and thought that she was the one for me. lets call her X for ease. We embarked on a journey and entered into a relationship. In just a few short months we ran into problems and decided to take some time out. To me this felt more like a break-up, i was upset. Anyway this break lasted about six months.

 

shortly into this break (mere weeks) i met someone else, i wasnt head over heals with this new girl, lets call her Y but she offered an emotioonal and physical outlet after the break, she quickly helped me begin to heal from X.

 

After about three months X and i began to talk again, we talked about the relationship we had and what went wrong. It became apparent that we had feelings for each other and we decided that we should take things slowly. Straight away, i told Y that i still had feelings for X and we were looking to reconcile.

 

Now, Y wasnt particularly happy about this but she stayed around. even after X and I became a couple again, she stayed around believing that things would fall apart and that her and i were meant to be. I accepted this but i did say to Y that as soon as X and i became intimate then she would have to go.

 

Eventually, around October 2015 this happened, I told Y that we had to end it, she fought hard and i pushed her away. now, Y took this badly, constantly harrassing me with emotional blackmail, i was her best friend and she coouldnt live without me etc. I crumbled and Y became a part of my life again - initially as a friend but that developed into a FWB type of thing. the intimate oppertunities between X and i were few and far between (twice between oct-jan).

 

Fast forward to Janurary, things became difficult between X and myself, eventually this led to a conversation via email which essentially showed how incompatable we were. we put things on hold in the way of having remaining to be a couple but we talked to see if we could make any headway.

During this time Y remained in my life, knowing everything - i even turned to her for advice on messaged id received from X and so on.

 

Feburary comes, I am visiting Y and i get some messages from X (she didnt know of Y at the time). I confided in Y, as a friend as the messages were doing my head in.

 

Now it gets complicated...

 

Y, decided, in a drunken state to message X and say something similar to "leave him alone, hes mine and i love him" after a brief exchange, X realised who she was refering to.

 

this of course split X and myself up for a second time, in a nutshell, Y got what she wanted.

 

a month or so passes and X comes back on the secene. we talked and i explained who Y was. i wasnt truthful, i told her that after Y's antics i was having nothing more to do with her. X and I chatted and met a few times, slowly talking of a possible very slow reconcilliaton but we were more like friends.

 

during this period, i knew that i did NOT want to be with Y. trying to tell her was difficult, after cutting her off she would play on me emotionally, sometimes indicating potential suicide. I was weak more times than i can imagine over the past 18 months. It has been a continious yo-yo of push away, give in, make out, push away.

 

Knowing i didnt want Y, i told her that i was still seeing X in the hope she would just get bored.....

 

This is where, just over a year ago Z comes into the picture. Z, i can honestly say has been the love of my life but here we have a problem...

 

X,Y and now Z ----- what a mess!

 

I continued to chat to X, and met for lunch a couple of times, not ever getting overly close, but i think the impression to her was that we were in a very young, slow relationship

 

Y, was still resisting being pushed away and i was weak.

 

Z, at the time knew nothing of this. Z did ask if i was talking to X, i replied with "no".

 

the relationship between Z and i grew at an alarming rate, and i loved everything about us, as did she, it was clear to everyone we adored each other - but i had this horror story going on in the background.

 

It is entirely my fault, i couldve simply told X i had moved on but i didnt, at this point i believed her and i were platonic friends.

 

Y was more difficult , she was like a weight hanging around my neck but i didnt want her, yet i was still sleeping with her.

 

This continued for about a month after meeting Z. when i realised it was Z i wanted to be with i told Y and pushed her away.

Some weeks later, Y managed to pull up the facebook details of Z and messaged me. i got a message something like "this is HER isnt it!!"

 

This message brought on sheer panic, how she found out ive no idea, i thought i had removed all contacts who knew her from my facebook but someone mustve sent her the details.

I fell for it!! i folded to Y's game, i contacted her and entered into dialogue. this took me back to square one with Y.

 

this goes on, the cycle repeats, push away, give in and on a few occations sex.

This time though, i felt blackmailed, after knowing what she did between X and myself (breaking us up) i was terrified she would do the same between Z and myself, i tried to appease her.

 

All behind poor Z's back

 

Fast forward to Feb this year. I had moved and had pushed away Y, feeling more comfortable as Y did not know where i lived... wrong!

 

In feb, i began getting messages from Y, things like "im here, come and meet me" i recognised where "here was" as she sent a picture..... i was with Z at the time and trying to hide all of this.

 

I never met with Y, but it was at this point i decided i had to tell Z of Y.

 

I didnt go into the juicy details, i simply said that i have "a stalker", "i spent a few weeks with her before meeting you" and so on.

 

Z's reply was "ok, thank you for telling me, are you still talking to her?" my reply...

 

"No":mad:

 

This was not true... i was still talking to her, i was doing so to try and keep her from interfering with the relationship Z and i had built.

 

she asked a couple of times since then, each time because she had seen something on my phone when i was flicking through it, a chat window for example. Each time i said "no" quickly changing the subject.

 

Ok, so lets get to a little over a month ago, I had pushed Y away and hadnt responded to her for around 3 weeks.

 

then it happened..

 

Y reveals herself.

 

but not only to Z but also to X too!

 

X thinks she is in a fledgling relationship

Z is deeply in love with me

Y is a lunatic stalker who could never give me up.

 

 

So, all three compare notes, Z is devastated, not talking to me for around a week.

I finally get the oppertunity to meet with Z for a couple of hours. Able to talk to her and immediately discredit X's claim.

Showing Y as exactly who she is and how she has behaved.

 

This settled Z a little, to the point we were talking. I convinced her that everything was not as she was told, despite not telling her the whole "nitty-gritty" of my dealings with Y.

 

the problem is now, ive broken her trust, despite wanting to be with me, she has concluded that she doesnt ever see herself being able to trust me nad as such she has given up on any possibility of reconcilliation.

 

Ive pleaded with her and suggested a number of strategies that we can use so she can try to learn to trust me again, things like tracking software on my mobile and so on.

 

Z isnt having it, She isnt too worried about what she was told by either X or Y, what she is bothered about is that i deceived her.

 

she finally cut all contact a week ago and i am at a loss of what i can do to convince her that, now everything is out there in teh open, there are no more secrets that i am hiding, we can have a fresh start and have a life even better than the last "amazing" (her words). Z has said we had a great year a number of times over the last month (when she would talk to me) but in the next breath she says that she cant help but think it was all a sham.

 

So, ive messed up the best thing that had ever happened to me, all because i didnt have the bravery to push my past in the past.

 

Theres no contact now at all. anyone that knows us as a couple know how happy we were together, some believe that we will get back together and that Z doesnt "want" to split up but believe that Z feels that she has no choice but to. Z as said that she has forgiven me and that she feels better since we have spoken about thinigs but she thinks that i am still lying to myself. I am not but because i give reasons for my actions (protecting us from Y and platonic friends with X) i am just coming up with excuses.

 

Z had, in the past massive trust issues, it took her years to begin dating after being let down by her ex and ive just put her back all those years. I hate myself right now.

 

I know, given the chance NOTHING like this would happen again, ive told her as much but its clear that she doesnt believe me, after all why would she? ive lied to her this whole year!!

 

There is noone to blame for this mess except for me, i take full responsibility for loosing the most precious, wonderful person im my life.

 

Gutted, Only time will tell now but i dont see any way back, especially as there is ZERO contact.

 

Your post is far too long for such an easy an obvious answer to your conundrum.

 

And the answer is this. Grow Up. Your actions have proven to 3 women that you are a Liar. You have taken no responsibility, because your post is heavy on words and very short on actual actions. You are simply not mature enough to be in any type of romantic relationship with anyone at this point. All you will do is hurt people at this rate. And eventually you will be paid back in Spades in your own coin.

 

Stay away from all 3 of them, get some life experience and stay single for the forseeable future until you have some emotional and financial stability. You are in no position to suggest "strategies" to anyone.

 

You are far too young to be a walking Time bomb, alas a Time Bomb you are at present.

[Space Ritual]

I am early forties and married twice, one was just a few years, the other closer to 20years.

 

That's what is so disconcerting. You are a Middle age Manchild. I should have said FAR TOO OLD to be a walking Time Bomb

[JRM74]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Knabe, I shall address yours first.

 

I do not in any way, shape or form see anything in my posts where I infer that I am a victim of of anything.

 

Please feel free to elaborate.

 

Your last statement. Regarding an overlap was "umm.. No".

 

Well, my friend had that not been the case this situation wouldn't have arisen. I only wish!

 

Having been in marriage for 21 years of my 43 years on this planet, I find your lack of constructive conversation rather comical.

 

As an ex serviceman who has undertaken active service within those 43 years mentioned, I find the lack of backbone comments either offensive or amusing - u am not quite sure which yet.

 

I've noticed you have been a member here fore mere weeks, yet posting almost 10 posts a day. With just one initial topic of a cursory nature started by you.

I do not have the time or inclination to read through your replies to others but they do seem to follow a similar pattern.

 

I've no problem with you being a troll with nothing better than to take some twisted enjoyment in the suffering of others howevwr

 

If you have nothing of value to add then wind your neck in!

 

Geesb

Thank you, I get where you are coming from I really do but there is one mitigation here which was never co-dependent and that is Ms Y. She was informed of each situation in great detail. It is not that which has made this situation arise, that fault clearly lies with me, i do not deny it.

 

Wiping the slate clean is what I am doing, however, Ms. Z is a devout Christian and I have sought her forgiveness. It pains me to know she is in such turmoil and argument with a faith that thrives on forgiveness.

[lurker74]

In our own minds, we all have reasons for doing things. If you spend time in a prison, the idea that everyone says they're innocent is a Hollywood creation (I've not been in prison but have been around, professionally, prisoners). No, they mostly did the crime. But almost without exception, they all have an excuse for why they did what they did that totally justified the crime.

 

Now, you recognize that you made a mess. To not recognize that after writing your history would take a level of denial that most people would not be capable of...but you probably didn't notice it while it was occurring. When you started seeing X when you were with Y, you knew you should break it off with Y but you didn't because _________ (insert rationale here).

 

Bottom line, either tell everyone you date that you date in parallel or choose someone and stick to it. Everything else is just justification.

[Divasu]

Geesb

Thank you, I get where you are coming from I really do but there is one mitigation here which was never co-dependent and that is Ms Y. She was informed of each situation in great detail. It is not that which has made this situation arise, that fault clearly lies with me, i do not deny it.

 

Wiping the slate clean is what I am doing, however, Ms. Z is a devout Christian and I have sought her forgiveness. It pains me to know she is in such turmoil and argument with a faith that thrives on forgiveness.

 

Is "Geesb" in response to "Geesh"?

 

Not sure but I will respond nonetheless.

 

The 3 relationships co-occurred with your participation, correct?

 

Blame aside, you participated and to some extent, prolonged the merry-go-round. Whether that was your intention or not, does not really matter.

 

This is the outcome.

[healing light]

I think your pattern of never being single and your fear of being alone are at the root of your actions. It would behoove you to get some therapy and be on your own for a while to figure out why you would allow this tricycle to develop. IMO, that's one of the only ways you'll be able to be strong enough in who you are and your boundaries to not succumb to the fear that led to this development of blowing things with a woman who you're interested in long-term.

 

You've done all you can do and, frankly, it is only healthy and natural for Z to look out for her best interests, especially if she has a past where she did not and was repeatedly taken advantage of. She can forgive you, be a fantastic Christian, and still not forget your actions and choose not to be with you. As I'm sure you're aware, those are not synonymous with each other. You'll have to respect her free will with this one.

 

While Y doesn't sound like she was functional to me, she wasn't exactly a stalker, either, because you still succumbed and slept with her/kept her around multiple times when it would have been in everyone's best interest to have a clean cut. I'm sure on some level you felt manipulated by her but you also allowed it to continue in a toxic way. In the future, it would have just been best to come clean with the dirt as soon as you could with your partner so that she didn't have anything to hang over your head. Prolonging the deception to protect yourself from blackmail was arguably one of the worst ways to manage that situation.

 

The best you can do is stay out of contact with Y and X, knowing that they're not the woman for you. Respect Z's decision, no matter what that is, and set yourself up for a healthy, monogamous relationship by seeking therapy to get at the core of your confusion and address the fears that sabotaged your relationship(s). Then and likely only then will you be the kind of partner that a woman like Z deserves.

[JRM74]

Both very good replies, thank you!

 

I do believe that you both have recognised the fact that I am at fault. As do I!

 

I really do hate myself for what has happened.

 

There are no excuses for my behaviour, I am not prepared to make any - i did in the past but no more, there are however reasons.

 

What happened was my fault and my fault alone. I tried to appease people because I did not wish for anyone to get hurt.

 

That plan did not work because the people who have been hurt the most are Z, who I really do adore and myself.

 

I recognise that the blame and indeed the problem lies at my doorstep, I only ask for any way to fix this with Z

[funraiser]

Man, if you keep at this speed soon enough you won't have any alphabet left to name your dates...

Edited July 2, 2017 by funraiser

[elaine567]

You assume because you have the most feelings for Z that she is the one most hurt by your actions, but being in a false reconciliation must hurt a lot, and the poor girl who helped mend your broken heart who you then used as a fwb, I guess is hurting massively too.

 

YOU used and abused everyone.

I don't think you are capable of truly loving anyone at the moment, it was all about YOU.

YOU may say you were just weak, but you still got a lot out of this.

YOU had a woman (X) who was willing to reconcile with you and who probably loved you very much and was determined to make it work, another besotted woman (Y) who would do just about anything for you and who fought tooth and nail for you and a woman (Z) who innocently thought you were the best thing since sliced bread...

 

Please leave all these women alone and sort out why you have treated al these women so abysmally, whilst justifying it all to yourself under the banner of "Oh dear it is such a mess, but I can't do anything about it..."

 

I guess, at the time, you were actually just a kid in a sweetie shop... you couldn't believe your luck...

[mikeylo]

Ask Z and do exactly like she asks you to without excuses or justifications.

 

How will she ever know what you are doing behind her back , on your phone, on your business trip ? Will you take her everywhere you go ? Can you or rather will you ?

[ExpatInItaly]

Meh, Z sees too much risk and not enough reward with you. She can do better, and she likely will do just that. You're not a wise investment of her time or her heart.

 

Sorry OP, but you need serious time alone to understand why you mistreat people like this. You're far too old for these games, which in an of itself is a complete turn-off. Until you learn why you do this, you really should not be dating anyone. You don't know how.

[usa1ah]

Ok and just wow.

 

You know you did this to yourself. Honesty is always the best policy with the poeple you love, end of discussion.

 

To fix with Z. Just be a friend if you can. If she will let you in that way, do it if she means the world to you. Stop playing the field. Be her best friend. If "she" decides you are worth another chance let her bring in up, not you. You can show that you love someone with out saying it. Make her your #1 priority an see if she gives you another chance.

 

Just remember you have to be completely honest with Z if she gives you another chance.

[Divasu]

I tried to appease people because I did not wish for anyone to get hurt.

 

That plan did not work because the people who have been hurt the most are Z, who I really do adore and myself.

 

I recognise that the blame and indeed the problem lies at my doorstep, I only ask for any way to fix this with Z

 

Who knew that having multiple relationships simultaneously could be used as an 'appeasement' tool...interesting viewpoint.

 

I think you may have as much of a chance at trying to "fix" it, as you would moving a mountain (Usher even wrote a song about this).

 

In some case, it can take years to recover from deceit.

Sometimes, it is a journey that the recipient must forgo on their own.

 

Blaming yourself will not change the outcome, nor help you.

[Space Ritual]

Having been in marriage for 21 years of my 43 years on this planet, I find your lack of constructive conversation rather comical.

 

As an ex serviceman who has undertaken active service within those 43 years mentioned, I find the lack of backbone comments either offensive or amusing - u am not quite sure which yet.

 

I've noticed you have been a member here fore mere weeks, yet posting almost 10 posts a day. With just one initial topic of a cursory nature started by you.

I do not have the time or inclination to read through your replies to others but they do seem to follow a similar pattern.

 

I've no problem with you being a troll with nothing better than to take some twisted enjoyment in the suffering of others howevwr

 

If you have nothing of value to add then wind your neck in!

 

 

You came here for advice, and the advice to you thus far has been pretty good.

 

The fact of the matter is that it does not matter one iota whether you were in the service, married, or green, blue, or orange.

 

The only thing that matters is that for 43 years old, by all accounts you should to be at a place in your life where such romantic drama is a thing of the past. Yet here you are.

 

The way you fix any of this is to fix yourself first. All 3 of the women in this scenario should be written off as lost causes. Basically you have lost the respect of all of them. People pleasing and doing a pick me dance at your age is totally not going to work and ultimately it will backfire.

 

So the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some counseling, maybe work on yourself in order to be a safe person to be around in you next relationship. Frankly, by your own admissions in this story you probably already know you are not safe to be around as a partner.

 

Work on yourself before you try to fix any of this mess. Not doing so will only cement in their minds that you are the Time bomb I mentioned earlier.

 

Good Luck

[knabe]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Knabe, I shall address yours first.

 

I do not in any way, shape or form see anything in my posts where I infer that I am a victim of of anything.

 

Please feel free to elaborate.

 

Your last statement. Regarding an overlap was "umm.. No".

 

Well, my friend had that not been the case this situation wouldn't have arisen. I only wish!

 

Having been in marriage for 21 years of my 43 years on this planet, I find your lack of constructive conversation rather comical.

 

As an ex serviceman who has undertaken active service within those 43 years mentioned, I find the lack of backbone comments either offensive or amusing - u am not quite sure which yet.

 

I've noticed you have been a member here fore mere weeks, yet posting almost 10 posts a day. With just one initial topic of a cursory nature started by you.

I do not have the time or inclination to read through your replies to others but they do seem to follow a similar pattern.

 

I've no problem with you being a troll with nothing better than to take some twisted enjoyment in the suffering of others howevwr

 

If you have nothing of value to add then wind your neck in!

 

Geesb

Thank you, I get where you are coming from I really do but there is one mitigation here which was never co-dependent and that is Ms Y. She was informed of each situation in great detail. It is not that which has made this situation arise, that fault clearly lies with me, i do not deny it.

 

Wiping the slate clean is what I am doing, however, Ms. Z is a devout Christian and I have sought her forgiveness. It pains me to know she is in such turmoil and argument with a faith that thrives on forgiveness.

 

First, thank you for your service.

 

Neither that nor your long marriage changes the bottom line:

 

You choose to simultaneously lie to 3 women.

 

Stop it. Be a better man, and stop blaming the women you lied to.

 

That's the answer.

[Ahurtgirl]

As a female, after reading this, I never want to be involved with a man again. You just use women to meet your needs. I am seeing over and over a pattern that all men seem to have. They only love us as much as they can use us and once their purpose for us is done, they move on, leaving us hurt and destroyed.

[Space Ritual]

As a female, after reading this, I never want to be involved with a man again. You just use women to meet your needs. I am seeing over and over a pattern that all men seem to have. They only love us as much as they can use us and once their purpose for us is done, they move on, leaving us hurt and destroyed.

 

Not all of us. However generalizing like that will eventually become a self fulfilling prophecy for you, if it hasn't already.

[SunGenie]

You are playing all sides of these ladies because you obviously can't make up your mind who you want. Not fair to any of them. Make a decision who you really want and slam the damn door on the others.

[JRM74]

If only things were as simple as picking one, or even doing everything that Z asks.

She has told me not to contact her again, this was on saturday with the very serious words "i would like you to leave me alone and do not attempt to make any further contact"

 

I really only wanted Z, i knew that within a couple of months of meeting her. I tried so hard to get Y to leave me alone.

 

Z, had been lied to, i know that is a bitter pill to swallow. I lied about talking to X any Y.

Z has been shown and did, a couple of weeks ago accept that the relationships with X and Y were not as intimate as she was led to believe. She has seen a message between X and myself where X clearly said she hasnt seem me for 7 months and that we were platonic friends. She has also seen the countless attempts by myself to get Y to leave me alone. I kid you not, i have 18 months of emails from Y where literally every two weeks she is begging for me to talk to her because i cut her off. she has also first hand experience of just how devious she can be. Z has and to a point still is experiencing Y's behaviour.

 

I do not want anyone except Z, our life was absolutely perfect, they are her words too. It was not formed from lies. it was very very real for us both and i miss it.

 

Z simply cannont get past the lies, i want to help her do so by doing anything she asks me to in order to make things up with her.