Im a fool, can i fix this?

[elaine567]

Truth is people only tend to want to get over cheating when there is something in it for themselves.

They do a cost benefit analysis, and they realise that ending a long marriage, making their kids miserable, leaving a house and a very nice lifestyle is not what they want to do, so they forgive and they reconcile. They may spend years in hell, but they decide that for the greater good so they will turn a blind eye. They also have years of bonding between them, so that makes it difficult to just walk away.

 

BUT for people who are just dating the disadvantages tend to massively outweigh the advantages, so they move swiftly on and never want to look back. Who really wants to spend their life with someone who has already cheated on them?

Dating is about finding compatible people and there are few sensible women who will find a man who lied and cheated on three women at the same time, to be a great prize.

 

She has told me not to contact her again, this was on Saturday with the very serious words "i would like you to leave me alone and do not attempt to make any further contact"

You need to listen to her.

This is not a minor demeanour that you can sweet talk your way out of. "Sorry I forgot to take out the garbage on Friday, I won't do it again."

This was a major deal. YOU consistently lied to all three women for a long time.

YOU can try and squirm your way out of it, but Z has the back up of the other two women you messed around with to compare notes...

[JRM74]

Thank you for the reply Elaine,

 

I appreciate your views, I just wish there was some way to explain just how amazing the relationship with Z was. it was not a one sided feeling either, many many times Z would look at me in silence then blurt out "I really really do love you!"

 

We were truly amazing.

 

Z has accepted the fact that I did sleep with Y during the first month and she has understood that as soon as I realized that it was her I wanted to be with it stopped and I tried so hard to push Y away.

 

Z is not the type of person to quickly move on, she was hurt badly in the past and it took her years to begin to date again.

 

She does not have the backing of these other women, she has severed all contact with them. I have proven to her that they were both fabricating and twisting the truth. She has seen facts and not cherry picked parts of undated past conversations.

 

Everything is out there, there are no more lies to be discovered. I lied by not telling Z I was talking to these two women. One a platonic friendship and the other a desperate sad lady who would not leave me alone.

 

I know that Z still has feelings for me, she has said so. She has a deep deep love for me but her head has shut down her heart.

 

I just want to find a way for her to open up communication, actions speak louder than words and I would do anything for her to give us another chance, even if it was say a two month trial just to show that I realize my mistake and that I can be trusted to never hurt her again.

Edited July 4, 2017 by JRM74
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[mikeylo]

Z has and to a point still is experiencing Y's behaviour

 

So Z has to deal with Y's devious behavior? Why ? What did she do ? YOU should be the one to show Y the door , never to be opened again.

 

If X or Y were to bump into you , will you acknowledge their existence or walk past as any other stranger ? With the weak guy personality you are , of course you will find a justification to acknowledge. If your ex wife contacts you for any reason, of course you will acknowledge for some reason. This is the thought process line of Z.

 

You are weak who doesn't know how to show a woman out the door so how is Z to believe in anything?

 

What's up with this platonic woman ? Do you know how many women like these show the gf ' her place ' because she was there before the gf came and knows the bf more and better than the new gf ? Stop this drama , wear your big boy pants and show Z that you have some integrity!

 

You tried to juggle 3 and lost the person who was important and have those who play you for a dummy.

 

If you want Z, close door on X and Y , right in front of her eyes, physical presence. Do it without Z asking you to do it. Of course she notices the smiles that you and your 'platonic' friend share and the undertones that come with it.

[JRM74]

The door on x and y has been well and truly slammed shut!

 

I have no interest, the cards are on the table.

 

I love Z... Her name is Clare with all of my heart. I want her and no other.

[mikeylo]

The door on x and y has been well and truly slammed shut!

 

I have no interest, the cards are on the table.

 

I love Z... Her name is Clare with all of my heart. I want her and no other.

 

Then beg and plead. Put ego aside. IF she gives a chance , grab your balls and go in with full force ( pun intended lol )!

 

If her heart is with you , then YOU need to change what's in her head by being true to her. Words and actions, both.

 

And yeah, give up 'platonic ' friends. You've given her a reason to doubt your integrity and intentions , so the cost is NO ' platonic friends' . Who has time for them when you have a gf ?

[elaine567]

I would do anything for her to give us another chance, even if it was say a two month trial just to show that I realize my mistake and that I can be trusted to never hurt her again.

 

Most say it takes 2-5 years to start to get over a cheating episode and that is with both going to IC and MC and both determined to make the relationship work.

That is why everyone suggests that people in short term relationships and without kids, just move on.

Life is too short.

[olivetree]

Do not beg and plead.

Talk is cheap, and Z knows this.

 

What you do is work on yourself so you become a trustworthy person and no longer overlap relationships.

Stay single for a while.

Do this for yourself though, not with the goal of getting Z back, or the changes won't be real.

 

If you ever get in contact with Z again/she allows you into her life, then you can SHOW her the changes you've made.

[JRM74]

Thank you all.

 

The thing that hurts so much is her severing all contact, we have no mutual friends so she will never know about me or what I am doing.

 

I rarely use Facebook but I reactivated my old account, she hasn't blocked me on there, it's just blocked PM's

I posted a public apology post directed towards her and her friends.

 

I've also noticed she tagged me in April, it's pending approval my me, she isn't on my friends list, what impact would accept this tagging have?

 

During one of the conversations where things were looking positive she said to me "please be patient with me". I don't think this is one of the things she meant be patient, her last email to me was so final.

[elaine567]

I posted a public apology post directed towards her and her friends.

 

 

What did you say?

[JRM74]

On Facebook? I'll post it here.. One second..

[JRM74]

Deciept, that's what's on my mind.

I have lost the best thing to have ever happened to me because I thought a lie was less hurtful than the truth. I was wrong on so many levels! I carried out a strategy to try and protect my relationship with this person because I knew we had an amazing future together, however I ended up in a situation where it became too much and consumed me. It is evident that any lie in a relationship is not acceptable.

Friends, please do not do as I have done, be transparent with those that you love and those that love you too. It's just not worth it.

I am hurting, but I know that the person I have lied to is hurting so much more.

Now, I do not know if this person or her friends who must also feel duped will ever see this but I need them to know that my intent was not malicious, it was a bad choice on trying to deal with a dangerous situation. I offer my deepest apologies.

[mikeylo]

so she will never know about me or what I am doing

 

She will believe that you are sleeping, chatting up other women. Why would she assume otherwise? When you did that while pretending to be committed to her, so wouldnt you now ?

 

You kept women around and lied to her. She isnt a fool even though you tried to fool her.

[mikeylo]

Deciept, that's what's on my mind.

I have lost the best thing to have ever happened to me because I thought a lie was less hurtful than the truth. I was wrong on so many levels! I carried out a strategy to try and protect my relationship with this person because I knew we had an amazing future together, however I ended up in a situation where it became too much and consumed me. It is evident that any lie in a relationship is not acceptable.

Friends, please do not do as I have done, be transparent with those that you love and those that love you too. It's just not worth it.

I am hurting, but I know that the person I have lied to is hurting so much more.

Now, I do not know if this person or her friends who must also feel duped will ever see this but I need them to know that my intent was not malicious, it was a bad choice on trying to deal with a dangerous situation. I offer my deepest apologies.

 

Dude, this is so shallow.

 

You are sad because you got caught playing Z .

[JRM74]

Oh, if only I could post the whole story, alas I can't because it would be too much information and likely to reveal identities.

 

I was NOT playing Z. She has seen facts which show this. She has accepted these facts which she has seen with her own eyes and stated she knows these relationships were not "intimate as I was led to believe".

[mikeylo]

Oh, if only I could post the whole story, alas I can't because it would be too much information and likely to reveal identities.

 

I was NOT playing Z. She has seen facts which show this. She has accepted these facts which she has seen with her own eyes and stated she knows these relationships were not "intimate as I was led to believe".

 

Yes but YOU kept these women around and lied to her right in her face. Then one of these has the guts to be nasty to Z. What did you do for Z in this case? Put the blame on y that she is a stalker. Z has brains that she used.

 

You are a very weak guy who wants to keep more than woman around. I guess, except Z, your x and y would be the only ones that will go along with this.

 

In your attempt to keep x, y and z , you've lost z. Now you can continue with x and y.

 

I'm sure she doesnt care what you are doing anymore...

[JRM74]

Whatve I done regarding Y's actions?

 

Reported Y to the police twice

Taken Z to the police station so she can file her own complaint

Changed my phone number

Changed my job

In the process of moving home.

 

X and Y are well and truly out of my life.

I do not see the need for you to continue on the same type of dialect each time I answer you. As I have said the door is well and truly closed to those two, Z has accepted these two relationships were not as perceived.

 

Yes, I did lie to her and I beat myself up daily for doing so!

Edited July 5, 2017 by JRM74
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[mikeylo]

Whatve I done regarding Y's actions?

 

Reported Y to the police twice

Taken Z to the police station so she can file her own complaint

Changed my phone number

Changed my job

In the process of moving home.

 

X and Y are well and truly out of my life.

I do not see the need for you to continue on the same type of dialect each time I answer you. As I have said the door is well and truly closed to those two, Z has accepted these two relationships were not as perceived.

 

Yes, I did lie to her and I beat myself up daily for doing so!

 

So what do you want from us? Its Z that you need to convince. If you disappear, of course she is going to think that if not x or y, there is a or b or c. If the tables were turned and she was keeping guys around and doing stuff with them , what would you want her to do ? How would you feel ?

 

If she doesn't move on quickly, well then , don't take her for granted ! People who take time, don't usually look back once done as they feel everything deeply , go through it over and over again till they become numb.

 

Go and TALK rather than letting her imagine that you are banging x , y , a or b

[JRM74]

Thanks Mike,

 

That's EXACTLY what I want to do, I feel that it is imperative that we get back on track ASAP. She has tried but cannot get past the lies.

 

I do not want her thinking I am having anything to do with x or y, I am not. About 3 weeks ago we talked on the phone and chatted via text for a while, I was at work and needed to crack on. We stopped chatting at 2pm and restarted at about 8pm. I didn't bother her before then as she has her daughter to deal with - I waited until she was in bed. Z said "as soon as we finished on the phone, I spent the whole day wondering if you were talking to them". I wasn't.

 

I don't want her feeling this way, I would do anything to make it up to her but she has stated she does not want me to contact her again.

I know she doesn't want to end things, I know she would like to give us another chance. Her head is ruling her heart as I said and she has a close circle of friends that whenever she discusses me they put up the barriers around her.

 

I HAVE to respect her request and give her some space but I feel that space is doing more harm than good. I don't know how to deal with it.

[SammySammy]

I don't think this situation should be fixed.

 

If you want to be trusted, you have to be trustworthy. Trust is crucial for the success of relationships. You're not close to trustworthy.

 

I think you need to spend some time alone. Figuring out what kind of man you want to be. Reflecting upon and learning from what has happened. Thinking about how you can do things better the next time you face them.

 

That's how I came up with some of my ground rules:

 

1) it's not necessary to lie to women. Even if you're with more than one.

2) Don't settle for mediocre, half-assed relationships. If one or both of you don't want it, move on. It's better to be alone than in a partial relationship.

3) Clean breaks. If you break up with someone, break up with them. Permanently. All of this wishy-washy, back-and-forth, can't make up your mind stuff is for the birds. It's not manly. Make up you mind and be done with it. Once and for all.

 

You should let all three of these women go.

 

Take some time to find yourself. Put yourself in a better place to be good to the next woman you meet. Without all of this baggage and drama.

[elaine567]

She doesn't want to talk though.

 

She has told me not to contact her again, this was on Saturday with the very serious words "i would like you to leave me alone and do not attempt to make any further contact"

The "heartfelt plea" on FB IMO is just embarrassing and if she hasn't told all her friends exactly why you and her split up it will just cause her more hassle and she will be the subject of gossip.

 

"I thought you said you were just incompatible, so what's all this about him lying to you?

He had two other women in tow too???!!!!!!... Oh..."

[JRM74]

I did consider that Elaine however I do know that Z has shown her friends the messages, they are aware. The problem though is every time Z tries to explain what she has seen from me which discredits the story that Z has been given they just become super protective.

[mikeylo]

I'm always for making up relationships, giving your best.

 

I hope you are able to reach out before its too late. Being together is the only way you can prove and rebuild her trust. It can't be done from afar. That only creates more misunderstandings, issues, mistrust.

[JRM74]

How long do I give it? She needs some space to get her head together and also to miss me.

 

A week? Two? How do I attempt contact? I thought flowers with a simple note "I miss you".

 

I'm blocked form every form, aside from my landline, she doesn't know that number.

 

 

 

My friend, who she messaged about a month ago with "xxx xxx needs a friend right now, please look out for him", he messaged her today saying "I met with xxx xx yesterday, he is going to give you some space but he isn't coping too well. I'm here if he needs me".

 

Her reply was "OK thank you".

[SammySammy]

Forever.

 

You should respect her wishes. She asked you not to contact her. Sounds like a smart girl to me. LEAVE HER ALONE!!!

[elaine567]

I did consider that Elaine however I do know that Z has shown her friends the messages, they are aware. The problem though is every time Z tries to explain what she has seen from me which discredits the story that Z has been given they just become super protective.

 

NO friends are ever going to allow their good friend to date some guy who had two other women in tow and lied to their friend repeatedly for months and months. They would need to dislike her a lot to suggest that it would be a good idea

 

Would you want your best friend to date some woman who had continually lied to him about an ex who she was apparently trying to reconcile with, and a FWB that she had kept hidden too?

 

YOU are trying vainly to minimise and justify your actions as you want Z back, but looked at objectively there is NO justification that holds any water here.

You made a huge mistake, learn from it and move on.