justman Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 Hello everyone Have been reading this forum for awhile now and decided to post my story and get some valuable advises here. Have been married for 12 years and together for 14 years. I am 36 and she is 34. We have a 5 yo kid too. Wife dropped a bomb in October 2016. Have been told I am nice guy but she doesn't love me anymore and she hasn't been happy for a while now. She doesn't have any feelings for me. She also said can't live with me without any feelings. One day she was saying its me that ruined the marriage. Next day its not me it was her because she has changed. She said she needs time on her own to figure out what she wants and that I should leave the house. I said I am not leaving and if she wants some space she should look for a place not me. She rented her own place and moved out in February 2017. At the same time while she was still living with me I noticed that shes been on the phone a lot, texting and calling her co-worker. First thing in the morning she would check her messages and text him while we were having breakfast and at night too why I was putting kid to bed. I got somewhat suspicious but didnt want to believe that she was having an affair. On a day she moved out I asked her if she has something for OM but she replied saying it was a stupid question. Everyone she talked to, including her parents, she refereed to him as a friend. This "friend" would help her move and set up her new place things like cable etc. 3 months after she moved out, sometime in April, I asked her whether she had a chance to think about what happened and if she is ready to talk about us. She replied it wouldn't be fair to me and she said no. I asked her if she had feelings for OM and she said she has sympathy for him. She also admitted to her mom that there was something between them, that she felt a spark. Then we sat down and talked for about 20 minutes as I tried to picture her what her life with him will be like from now on. A couple of words about her co-worker. He is divorced with 2 children. Right around the time she moved out this OM (or Affair Partner) quit his job and he has been out of job since. Basically I told her that her life will be full-time caring about his kids. If this is kind of life you want the sure go ahead. I also told her that I will move on and take care of my own life too then. I could see that she was a bit shocked because I think she was expecting me to beg and whine like I did in the beginning which I should not have done. I also asked her if she was happy and she mumbled something in return and said as long as kid is happy she is happy too. After that conversation I did complete 180. Fast forward to the end of April/beginning of May and I am getting some mixed messages from her. After complete silence on my part here is whats been going on. - One night when kid was with me and I was putting him to bed she called me and after brief conversation said I kiss you both good night. - Same week on a weekend I told her I am going to the park with the kid and she said if thats ok if she comes with us. I said yes - Couple of days when she was picking up the kid I could tell that she was crying a lot - Last week I went to the park with the kid and she was there walking by herself. While I was playing with the kid she sat down and cried, I could see tears in her eyes. - She doesnt have too many friends of her own and all of our common friends turned against her and noone invites her to any birthday parties etc. She spends most of the nights/weekends alone - Her car needed some maintenance like brakes and new tires so she called AP and he said he doesn't know anything about that. Then she called me and asked for my advice - In the past couple of weeks she called me for absolutely no reason and talked about anything. 2 days ago she called and we talked for about 20 mins about evertyhing really - When she is picking up the kid she always wants to start the conversation I can see that. I just say bye and turn around but she seems like she wants to talk for some more As of today her affair partner hasn't moved in with her yet, its been 5 months now. I also heard from someone that he told her that she has to go back to her husband, that he is a loser who is out of job. I don't know how that conversation ended though. However, they booked vacation together couple of months ago and they left with all 3 kids, 2 of his own and our kid, yesterday. As I am writing this they are on vacation together. Now the questions I keep asking myself - Is he really an affair partner or just really good friend. If he is an AP then why he hasn't moved in with her yet. I believe she was expecting him to move in with her right away had I moved out of our house or her rental place. - Why is she always friendly and talkative when she meets me - Why she is calling me every now and then even if she said its all over and she is in love with other person - Could it be that their vacation together will decide whether or not they will be together or not. I am sure in last 5 months they also had plenty of opportunity to discuss this. - Should I continue my 180 or should I start trying to reconnect with her by asking her to go with us to the park together etc. - Should I ask her to reconcile one more time or she should be the one to initiate that - Knowing that she is on vacation with other man right now hurts a lot and makes me want to call her and tell her everything she deserves, while my other part still wants to reconcile with her. As for me, I have been complete train wreck in the beginning. After sometime I resumed working out, jogging and playing soccer. Trying to eat healthy too. However every once in awhile I feel like I am losing it. Its really been an emotional roller coaster. I would really appreciate some advises from people who have completed that journey. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 She's learned that the grass is not greener on the other side with her affair partner (yes, he's her affair partner, not just a friend) like she thought it would be, realizes how much more difficult and unsatisfying her life is now, and is regretting what she did. Not to the point of apologizing, but she regrets it since she's now stuck with an unemployed schmuck for whose vacation she is probably paying for. I always say that the best way to know if you have long term potention is to go on a vaation together. I predict she will come back trying even harder to get back with you. Only you can decide if you will accept her back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 Why hasn't the OM moved in with her? He was in this for the fun times, not to be saddled with more kids and responsibility. He doesn't even have a job! Talk is cheap. I think she's realizing that all his promises and sweet nothings about a future together were just that--nothing...and a fantasy. You're the fallback guy when things don't pan out. There's no mixed message there. She came running to you when he wouldn't help her with her car troubles. She'll be back to charm you when he refuses to be Mr. Family Man. As for that vacation? Guess who's paying for that? Not Mr. Unemployed. He refused to help her with her car brakes when she went to him. He's certainly not paying to take another guy's five-year old on vacation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 She's grooming you...she doesn't want you but she will use you in case she needs something. Do yourself a favor - divorce her. She said she doesn't love you and you shouldn't wait around for anyone to decide if you're good enough for second best. Stop inviting her anywhere and start telling her no to everything she needs/asks for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justman Posted July 3, 2017 Author Share Posted July 3, 2017 Thank you all for your time. Would it make sense to tell her that I am not interested in your little chit chat as long as you are in affair with another man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Thank you all for your time. Would it make sense to tell her that I am not interested in your little chit chat as long as you are in affair with another man? Yes............ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Thank you all for your time. Would it make sense to tell her that I am not interested in your little chit chat as long as you are in affair with another man? You need to 180 her, regardless of whether you think you want to try to reconcile with her or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Thank you all for your time. Would it make sense to tell her that I am not interested in your little chit chat as long as you are in affair with another man? I think you should continue the 180 for now. If/when she is serious about trying to work things out she will make it known with her words AND actions. In other words she will express remorse TO YOU and will not be going on vacations with OM. For now let her continue to bask in all that freedom, space and independence she left for. Some of those tears may be an attempt to bait you into pitying her. At this point I wouldn't change a thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Good grief I would change something... I would file for divorce yesterday. Here is the deal, you were in denial for a while and in some respects you still are. She was having and affair with this guy way before she left you. She never had the balls to come clean with you about it. For how long? Who knows. So she was probably in the affair for 6 months or a year, screwing him every time she got a chance while you were sitting home with your child. So you are still sitting home waiting on her, Why Why Why.? Your wife is and has been sleeping with another man for god knows how long and you are just sitting there like a bump on a log and taking it??? Your wife has zero respect and zero love for you. You need to divorce her and move on with your life and you need to move on quick. You have known about her affair for at least 5 months, you may not have wanted to admit it but you knew what was going on. Why would you want to take a woman like that back for any reason? Why? Divorce her and move on with your life and let her have her loser lover... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 She has and is having an affair. She has not admitted to that and she has shown no remorse. Her tears are all about herself, nothing to do with regret or remorse for destroying her marriage. Life with mr lover boy isn't panning out the way she pictured it would and she feels sorry for herself, not for cheating or hurting you. For this reason you absolutely should not consider taking her back right now. If she returned now it would be for all of the wrong reasons and you will be hurt worse in the long run. One of the reasons that you still feel like you're losing it sometimes is because you are still letting her mess with your head. Part of that is your own doing in that you pick apart everything she says and does, trying to decipher it and look for signs that she wants to reconcile. Part of it is her doing in being dramatic and looking for pity, like sitting in a park close enough to you and your kid that you could see the tears in her eyes. Oh please. Next time tell her to take her tears somewhere else. As long as she is involved with the OM you do not talk to her about anything except your child and even then it should only be about pertinent information. She is on vacation with her lover, not sitting at home feeling remorseful and trying to fix herself. You keep moving on and planning your life without her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Dude...she is making you her backup financial plan. She will always enjoy him in every decadent way you can imagine more you. There I said it....Harsh but true....Divorce her and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I looked for signs of remorse in your posts about her actions. I saw signs of regret (things didn't turn out the way she planned) but none of remorse (realization that running off to OM wasn't just a mistake but an act hateful and destructive to you) . Proof: the current vacation. Where is her love for you? Nowhere in what you have posted. One spouse cannot reconcile. Don't even bother trying. Keep up the indifference she probably feels. No chit chat, no favors. No listening to her words of regret (which are probably coming sooner than later). Most telling behavior? OM tells her to go back to you. Does she? Not when she is vacationing with him. She still wants him even though he lacks the ability to provide support for her. Who tells their sole mate to go back to H? And what WW would ignore that clear signal? Ok, maybe he was looking for sympathy and/or loving, but it is a rather hateful thing to say. So she's dipping her toe in the water grooming you to take her back. Ignore her! Live the 180. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justman Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 She is back from vacation. Now that they spent a week together wondering if they will finally move in together. Wonder if none of them want to commit and enjoying their freedom and independence. Will post here if there are more signs that she is really dipping her toe in the water... Will enforce 180 meanwhile... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce You should also read "No More Mr NiceGuy" free PDF download. It's short and should open your eyes Betrayed spouse syndrome Believing their lies because the truth is to hard to take Projecting your feelings love on them. They don't feel the same. Holding onto a sliver of hope. It just keeps you in limbo Letting your fear define you. Talking but not taking any action to get out of infidelity Staying in contact for breadcrumbs Making excuses to do nothing. If you look at your situation you're doing them all it seems 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) If you chase they flee farther away. If you stay connected they just cake eat Do you really think if she cared anything about you she'd have went on vacation with her other man and took your kids? The tears you're seeing are for her not you. You really need to wake up here. You have a huge case of denial going on. "We're just friends" is the biggest lie told. You really think all that time they're spending together is just watching TV? They have been and are in a deep sexual affair. Her other man is just taking what she's giving him. Edited July 10, 2017 by Marc878 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Women are attracted to strength. You are acing very weak and from your inaction have no respect for yourself. Why would she have any? Wake up!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Thank you all for your time. Would it make sense to tell her that I am not interested in your little chit chat as long as you are in affair with another man? I don't think it's even worth the effort to have any conversation with her. Why haven't you divorced her? Do something to take control of your life and your future back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 justman, I am very sorry this is happening to you. Have been told I am nice guy but she doesn't love me anymore and she hasn't been happy for a while now. She doesn't have any feelings for me. She also said can't live with me without any feelings. So there you have it ^^^^ Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Please see a solicitor/attorney and get your ducks in a row. You need to get the best deal you can both for yourself and your child. And do it now while she is confused, later she may have had a chance to get her head together. Good luck x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts