Been used to get over his ex

[JinxyWinxy]

I met a man online, I had just got back into dating after being badly cheated on. I was really pushing myself to trust again, I really wanted to trust this new relationship. We have been together for a year, going really well, or so I thought, we never argued and I fell in love. He spoke of his ex quite a bit but in a negative way and I didn't mind at first as he'd had a relationship after her before me, so I thought she was the rebound and i was the serious. I told him that I was cheated on and if he starts to feel for another woman, please tell me, don't lie and string me along. last sunday I found a text, it flashed up on the screen from his ex, my old trust issues sprang up and I open the text, he was just looking at his phone and went to the toilet so it was unlocked. I saw that he had sent a txt to her last week, it read: "I am so sorry I wasn't there for you and I am so sad that I didn't give us a chance when you wanted. I am so sad as I have lost the love of my life".

 

I was winded, I shut off the phone and pretended to not feel well, I left because I was in shock and I couldn't believe this was happening, again. I wanted to calm down, I knew I needed to confront him but I knew that it would be over, as how can you go on from there. I asked to meet and he wasn't concerned which led me to believe that he knew. I told him and he was dumbstruck, literally speechless that I had found out his secret feelings. He said that he can't let go, and she doesn't even want him back - she never replied to that text. They have just sold their house, painful legal split, arguing over who gets what. Problem is, the still share 2 dogs, this has kept them in contact, the door has never closed. she is very manipulative, and always asks him to do stuff. He finally confessed that the ex before me gave him an ultimatum not to see her and he said no, using the dogs; they broke up, he chose the original ex.

 

So he's done it again with me, but this time he actually told her, I want you back, that is what see when I read that text. If i hadn't of seen it he would have kept me hanging on until he was sure he could be with his original ex. I asked him what he thought, he just said its all out in the open now and that I know everything, so there's nothing more to say. Frustrated by this, I said so that's it, were done, just like that! He agreed and I walked away as he was silent. This all took 15 minutes as he said very little.

 

He texted to say sorry 3 hours later, that he's speechless and he hated himself and that I didn't deserve this. He gave me nothing to respond to, I knew he didn't want me at all, probably relieved I found out. I did ring him the next day about sending my stuff back, he said yes and I waited for him to say more, that he loved me, he was sorry, as we were all over each other just 48 hours ago, I was still in shock, but he said nothing so I just said ok, and hung up. WOW - winded again!

 

I have heard nothing from him but I am sure he's with her as she's tweeted about no regrets and "those who dare win". I am finally coming round to realising that it's over and he was just using me while figuring out that he regretted leaving her. Well she ended it, but then wanted another go but he said no. No he's realised should have given it another go.

 

I know it's not my problem now, but I can't stop thinking about them, being together, how happy they are now they've finally realised. I am driving myself mad, I keep looking at her twitter for clues, I can't believe I am so sad and desperate, I hate that I'm that person. The fact that we spoke every day for the last year, we had holidays planned and now its all gone, because I found the text, the ultimate truth. I know it's better knowing now and not later down the line, but it hurts so much.

 

Today is really hard, it's the been no sleep since Monday. I am literally on the edge of calling him, I don't know why, it's like a spell. I just needed to seek tips or seek advise from fellow broken hearts.

 

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading my woes xx

Edited July 2, 2017 by JinxyWinxy

[Arieswoman]

JinxyWinxy,

I am sorry that this has happened to you. x

 

Something similar happened to me years ago and I know how much it hurts.

 

You handled it with class and dignity and you should should be pleased with yourself for that.

All you can do now is try to move forward with your life.

 

Do not under any circumstances call him - that's just like opening an old wound, and will delay your healing.

 

One thing I learned from my experience was not to get involved with men who were newly-divorced or "separated" - they just aren't emotionally stable.

 

Good luck x

[JinxyWinxy]

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I know that you are right about calling him, but I just feel like I need more answers, to what I don't even know. I guess I just want to hear from him that they are together and I can stop thinking, what if. I'm so sad, but I know it's just down to time, I'm 40, so it's not easy and this adds to the misery.

 

Again, thank you for your words, they really do help and knowing I am not alone and people have coping mechanisms to share.

 

x

[Nogan]

You ever hear "it's not you, it's me" and think it's bull****? Well, this is one of those times where it pretty much has nothing to do with you.

 

The guy was never in a position to be fully emotionally committed to you. And I imagine, as the relationship grew comfortable and "boring", he probably starting seeking comfort in something unstable and unsure and exciting in its own weird way. Maybe you started as a distraction so that he didn't have to confront his feelings, but I can't imagine that it was just a distraction if you guys lasted a year.

 

I think we've all done it to an extent. This feels particularly excessive, because I know that I've never been able to commit to someone for more than a month if I'm still reeling from feelings for a previous girl. Which leads me to believe what I wrote in the second paragraph. And it could very well be that he thought he was over her until something set him off.

 

It's like, maybe he didn't know until you got close enough that he realized letting you in to that extent meant giving up his ex. And I don't care if you're the sexiest and most amazing woman on the planet, NOBODY can fill a different person shaped hole in someone's heart. I'm sure he's going to wind up missing you a lot, too.

[JJNY]

JinxyWinxy -

 

I am so sorry you're hurting like this. Read my story. I am in the same exact position you are: recovering from something that felt so real and lasted a year yet in the end was a rebound.

 

There are words of comfort in what Nogan wrote. No matter what we did, no matter how good we were to them, there was just nothing we could do. My ex said frequently "nobody has ever been this good to me I appreciate you so much" and blah blah blah...yet in the end she couldn't fully commit.

 

Take solace in the fact that you are able to love somebody like you did, take your time to heal FULLY (don't do what these people did to us) and keep the faith that in time this will get better, and the right person will let us in. Im fighting the same battle right now and it gives me hope that I'm not the only one going through something like this.

[SixxChick]

You ever hear "it's not you, it's me" and think it's bull****? Well, this is one of those times where it pretty much has nothing to do with you.

 

The guy was never in a position to be fully emotionally committed to you. And I imagine, as the relationship grew comfortable and "boring", he probably starting seeking comfort in something unstable and unsure and exciting in its own weird way. Maybe you started as a distraction so that he didn't have to confront his feelings, but I can't imagine that it was just a distraction if you guys lasted a year.

 

I think we've all done it to an extent. This feels particularly excessive, because I know that I've never been able to commit to someone for more than a month if I'm still reeling from feelings for a previous girl. Which leads me to believe what I wrote in the second paragraph. And it could very well be that he thought he was over her until something set him off.

 

It's like, maybe he didn't know until you got close enough that he realized letting you in to that extent meant giving up his ex. And I don't care if you're the sexiest and most amazing woman on the planet, NOBODY can fill a different person shaped hole in someone's heart. I'm sure he's going to wind up missing you a lot, too.

 

There is a lot of wisdom in this post. Could have saved me a lot of money in therapy.

[JinxyWinxy]

You ever hear "it's not you, it's me" and think it's bull****? Well, this is one of those times where it pretty much has nothing to do with you.

 

The guy was never in a position to be fully emotionally committed to you. And I imagine, as the relationship grew comfortable and "boring", he probably starting seeking comfort in something unstable and unsure and exciting in its own weird way. Maybe you started as a distraction so that he didn't have to confront his feelings, but I can't imagine that it was just a distraction if you guys lasted a year.

 

I think we've all done it to an extent. This feels particularly excessive, because I know that I've never been able to commit to someone for more than a month if I'm still reeling from feelings for a previous girl. Which leads me to believe what I wrote in the second paragraph. And it could very well be that he thought he was over her until something set him off.

 

It's like, maybe he didn't know until you got close enough that he realized letting you in to that extent meant giving up his ex. And I don't care if you're the sexiest and most amazing woman on the planet, NOBODY can fill a different person shaped hole in someone's heart. I'm sure he's going to wind up missing you a lot, too.

 

This is really helpful Nogan, I think I always knew he could never feel as deeply for me, as this there was a block, I guess she was always there, like a ghost but very much alive. I am hoping this doesn't linger as I know there is no hope. Just would have been nice to hear, from him that the 1 year meant something. What a waste, of all of our days.

[JinxyWinxy]

This is so helpful and the best advice thus far. Thank you! x

[JinxyWinxy]

Thanks JJNY.

 

Its a real comfort to know others are going through the same thing, I wish they weren't obviously. I am trying so hard not to check social media etc, maybe spend more time on here. It's only been 7 days, so I need to give myself a break.

 

So sorry you're in the same place, I am wishing you better and good vibes.

 

x

[JinxyWinxy]

So it has been 8 days since Break up and 6 since we last spoke. I have ignored all contact.

 

I broke up with him as I discovered a text, saying he was still in love with his ex. I had no choice. He turned up today at my work, dropped a bag with my things, at reception and ran out, the receptionist said he couldn't get out there quick enough, it was really humiliating. I asked for him to send to my work, not come here. I was really hurt, as it made things public and I felt humiliated, as my work know him. He has often picked me up over the last year.

 

I just saw RED, I rang him straight away without thinking, I could have gone out to the street as he had just left. I couldn't believe he came and didn't warn me. I get that he shot off because he didn't want to see me but why risk it and not just send in the post. It was a top and some toiletries (so light).

 

The girls on reception looked at me with such pitty and heartfelt sympathy, exactly what I didn't want. I wanted to keep this private.

 

So I rang him and ultimately, I broke the silence and said, why didn't you just send it like I asked or say you were dropping it off as to warn me or check if this was ok. I feel really upset, that he just dropped it off, really disrespectful.

 

I am sure it seems like I am being really dramatic, but it just feels like I have lost control. I can't believe that he thought that this wouldn't upset me. I asked him not to come here.

 

I guess I have reached the anger stage! Stupidly I rang and asked if he was with his ex...weakness swept over me at just hearing his voice. HE said he was sorry but he just thought he'd drop it off as he was in the area, this made me feel even more rejected, it was a convenience for him, probably saved money on the postage. But why risk seeing me if he really didn't want to?! Such arrogance.

 

What a horrible thing to do, especially when I told him not to. And that is why he ran in and ran out as I said I didn't want to see him.

 

I am so hurt, I knew this would bring me back to square one. Then I got a reminder on my phone, we were due to go to the Theatre tonight, so he was going and probably with her. Then it hit me, It was convenient to drop the baggage off (literally), as the Theatre is close to my work.

 

What a weasel...I am so mad at my self for calling him straight away, I should have just take the bag and moved not called. The fact that I called it off and ignored his text/emails was giving me my only strength. How can I gan this back now as I fear I look desperate.

 

Help xx

Edited July 5, 2017 by JinxyWinxy

[spiderowl]

Wow, sorry he did this. Try not to worry about what people think. You got rid of a guy who was cheating on you. You deserve every respect for standing up for yourself. I don't think it made you appear desperate, just justifiably annoyed.

 

If you don't want to break up with someone, it hurts regardless. Sorry you were forced into this. Some people are never out of a relationship; they just go from one branch to another. You deserve better.

[preraph]

Well, it was an irritating things to do, and no less irritating when you find out it was done for simplistic reasons with no regard for your well being. So yeah, maybe you look desperate, but the goal her is to stop giving a crap what he thinks, and maybe this anger is just what you needed to get you past that point. Don't worry about work. You might be surprised that a couple of people like you better for seeing your vulnerable or even that maybe an interesting man liked finding out you're single. You never know, something good could come of it.

 

Time to gather your tribe and start being social again to distract yourself and remind yourself he's not the only man in the world. And the next one might even be willing to spring for postage.

[whatnot]

It's called revenge. I've exacted it from people who have hurt me too. I knew how to hurt them back...and I've done it in spades.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.....

 

take care

[JinxyWinxy]

Hi WhatNot, thank you for responding!

 

Can I ask why he would want revenge on me, as he was texting his ex, behind my back while we were together?

 

I was thinking he's just selfish and that he never really cared.

 

I so need to stop thinking about him...I wish I could give my head to someone else for a month

 

Jx

[JinxyWinxy]

Anger stage is really kicking in, I was angry at her, now I'm just angry at him. I am building up my no contact again, day 1 nearly through.

 

Bee jeeze this is so tough!

 

Thanks again x

[whatnot]

Hi WhatNot, thank you for responding!

 

Can I ask why he would want revenge on me, as he was texting his ex, behind my back while we were together?

 

I was thinking he's just selfish and that he never really cared.

 

I so need to stop thinking about him...I wish I could give my head to someone else for a month

 

Jx

It's just conjecture ... there's a good chance of him not being aware of himself....himself.

 

I think he cared. He may have even loved you as best he knows how to. It's not healthy for anyone to be around that kind of behavior....but it doesn't mean he never cared.

 

I believe he did....fwiw....just some guy on the internet.

 

take care of you....

[JinxyWinxy]

It's just conjecture ... there's a good chance of him not being aware of himself....himself.

 

I think he cared. He may have even loved you as best he knows how to. It's not healthy for anyone to be around that kind of behavior....but it doesn't mean he never cared.

 

I believe he did....fwiw....just some guy on the internet.

 

take care of you....

 

Just wanted to say that your words made sense, thank you (just some guy on the internet)

 

Take care of you too