elijahBailey Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Over and over again in LS we see people who are married or in committed relationships having crushes; most of them at work. Since work is where we spend most of our time, I suppose it's apparent why this is so. Being married sure doesn't mean our natural feelings or needs for affection or attention disappears. All that being married or commited simple means is that we decide to stay faithful (emotionally too) to the person we've committed to. Easier said then done. I sometimes find myself a victim of my own emotions, which is difficult to control. You can control your actions.... like not cheating, but you can't control how you feel inside. Many crushes go away after a short period of time. But some doesn't, especially if you can't enforce NC when you have to see the other person everyday. Often, these become obsessions that occupy your time and energy. I've had 2 crushes in the past that just died with time, but the current one just doesn't go away. Short of quitting the job, what are some of the other options available? What I really like to hear is some things that people here have done that is successful in ridding yourself of the discomfort or agony in your mind. Any useful methods to dispense? How many of you have had similar things happen to them? Sometimes I wonder if being susceptible to crushes or even obsessions is in our genetic make-up. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Newlywed83 Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 I know how you feel. I have a crush on a guy I work with. I feel quilty like I am betraying my husbands trust by even having a crush. I would never act on it because I am happy with my husband but I still think about the guy at work. I wish I had some advice to give you but I cant even help myself. I posted in another board about my problem and people were really critical of me so I hope you have better luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrly Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Finding someone attractive or liking certin things about them is different than having a crush. In my opinion, when you have a crush on someone and you are in a relationship wether it be marriage or just boyfriend/girlfriend, you have a crush on that person because you like certin things about him/her. Usually the things that you like about your crush are things that your partner either lacks on, or doesnt have. I dont agree with having a crush on someone else while with someone, your eyes and your thoughts are for your partner and your partner alone. How is that fair to your husband/wife? Its not, so either get over it, or be honest with your partner about it. See how they feel about it. I can almost bet they wont like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elijahBailey Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 I posted in another board about my problem and people were really critical of me so I hope you have better luck. oh dear, too late.... I've already stuck my head out but seriously, I'm not talking about flirting with the crush, but controlling the feelings. I wonder if anyone does not have crushes before. If so, then maybe they have the right to be critical Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 At least you admit you're human, so give yourself a few bonus points. Welcome to the real world... Link to post Share on other sites
Author elijahBailey Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by lvgrly Usually the things that you like about your crush are things that your partner either lacks on, or doesnt have. sure, that's understandable since most of our partners aren't perfect. but we've love them anyways. How is that fair to your husband/wife? Its not, so either get over it, or be honest with your partner about it. See how they feel about it. I can almost bet they wont like it. no, it's not fair.... But lvgrly, you mean you never had a crush when you're in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author elijahBailey Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer At least you admit you're human, so give yourself a few bonus points. Welcome to the real world... thanks buddy no advice I see Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrly Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by elijahBailey sure, that's understandable since most of our partners aren't perfect. but we've love them anyways. no, it's not fair.... But lvgrly, you mean you never had a crush when you're in a relationship? Yeah, maybe when I was younger and I wasnt in love with someone. I am in a very serious realtionship now, and the way I look at it is, Would I want my guy to have a crush on some girl while he was with me? NO I wouldnt, so I refuse to do that to him. I wouldnt let it get to the point of having a crush, thinking someone is cute or making small talk is fine. But I wouldnt let it get that far..But thats also just my opinion, everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by elijahBailey sure, that's understandable since most of our partners aren't perfect. but we've love them anyways. Neither are the people you have crushes on. If it is really a problem, try to concentrate on thinking about their imperfections. Does she have a dumb laugh, bad breath or crooked teeth.. Whatever is takes to get the idealized image out of you head. Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrly Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by Horse Neither are the people you have crushes on. If it is really a problem, try to concentrate on thinking about their imperfections. Does she have a dumb laugh, bad breath or crooked teeth.. Whatever is takes to get the idealized image out of you head. I agree Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 I third that. Realize that the crush you have exists because you can imagine a perfectly perfect relationship with a person whose socks aren't on your floor. So think of his socks and whatever other unpleasant human functions you can conjure up to attribute to him. Turn him human again. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 This is what bothers me, to me, if you truly are in love with someone, you arent going to develop little crushes on people, I see people posting about how they're so in love and been with someone for a year or two but cheated or are tempted to cuz they like someone else-red flag right there, If you are in a relationship and develop feelings for someone else I think the respectful thing to do is end the relationship immediately, even if the person you are interested in doesnt want you, why? Because the fact that you had the feelings in the first place is wrong, I dont meaning thinking another person is cute, but if youre truly in love with someone, then you shouldnt be developing feelings for anyone else, if I had a gf and she told me she simply had feelings for someone else but wouldnt act on it I'd dump her on the spot Link to post Share on other sites
Author elijahBailey Posted August 7, 2005 Author Share Posted August 7, 2005 Originally posted by Horse Neither are the people you have crushes on. If it is really a problem, try to concentrate on thinking about their imperfections. Does she have a dumb laugh, bad breath or crooked teeth.. Whatever is takes to get the idealized image out of you head. Horse, I agree that's a good piece of advice For those who replied, you've never been in such a situation? If you don't mind sharing, that is.... I'm really curious as to whether it only happens to some people and not others. Whether it's just the way we're wired. Which leads me to..... Spectre, I respectfully disagree. However, I theorized that you've probably never got stuck in one of these situations before. If you subscribe to the idea that whoever is in a committed relationship but also have feelings for others should be dumped, then I tell ya, to follow your idealized picture, people will have a lot of dumping to do tonight. IMHO, we're committed, not dead. Why do people post here on LS on similar topics like this again and again? That's simply because they still love their SOs enough to want to find out how to get out of their situations. Had they not wanted to get out, they wouldn't even bother finding solutions here. I've ever discussed the topic of emotions with some of my lady friends years ago, and they seem to agree that, most people, at some point of time, if not all the time, are able to have feelings for more than one person. Like, you're in a relationship and still be crushing on others. I've got a couple friends who're married and have crushes on me as well. Sure, it's not ideal, but I'm sayin' it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 if you truly are in love with someone, you arent going to develop little crushes on people Only if you exert the daily willpower not to do so. Attraction to other human beings (part of what make you human - its in your pheromones and your biology) doesn't just magically disappear when you enter a committed relationship. You can, however focus your will in such a way that you are not receptive to that attraction - if that is something that is in your nature to do. The ability to exert willpower over biology is something that is different for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 Spectre, are you married? Just curious whether you're speaking from experience or opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
winnie_05 Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean that you actually want to be with them. My crush was wrong and I knew it. You can't control your feelings. I found him very attractive and really enjoyed his company but I knew I couldn't be with him. It didn't stop me feeling this way tho. People will have a crush on someone at some point in there lives and alot of the time you can't control it. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 Originally posted by elijahBailey Spectre, I respectfully disagree. However, I theorized that you've probably never got stuck in one of these situations before. If you subscribe to the idea that whoever is in a committed relationship but also have feelings for others should be dumped, then I tell ya, to follow your idealized picture, people will have a lot of dumping to do tonight. IMHO, we're committed, not dead. Why do people post here on LS on similar topics like this again and again? That's simply because they still love their SOs enough to want to find out how to get out of their situations. Had they not wanted to get out, they wouldn't even bother finding solutions here. I've ever discussed the topic of emotions with some of my lady friends years ago, and they seem to agree that, most people, at some point of time, if not all the time, are able to have feelings for more than one person. Like, you're in a relationship and still be crushing on others. I've got a couple friends who're married and have crushes on me as well. Sure, it's not ideal, but I'm sayin' it happens. I think you misunderstood, I think some people can get crushes from simply being attracted to someone, like ohh he's cute I have a crush on him, the type of crush im talking about is developing feelings beyond that for someone else, liking them not just cuz theyre cute but because of who they are etc. and that to me is just wrong, if you are in a relationship the SECOND you are attracted to someone else should alert you, im not saying its bad, but as soon as you know you have a gf but youre attracted to so and so, stay away from her, dont talk to her, dont get to know her, cuz the ONLY thing it can do is lead to problems, if someone willingly knows they are attracted to someone, and then still goes and hangs out with them, gets to know them then they deserve to be dumped in my honest opinion, Ive never been married, but you dont need to be married for this to apply, ive been in relationships before, and if I do develop more than platonic feelings for a girl I most certainly would break up with my current gf, its happened to me a couple of times, and sometimes ive been on the receiving end, except i found out after i had broken up with the girl that she had crushes on other guys while with me, if I had known she would of been gone, again, its VERY easy to exert willpower, say you have a bf but are attracted to another guy, wrong? no, but if you ohh i dunno, hang out with the guy alone(without ur bf) and spend increasing amounts of time around him..then develop feelings for him..who's fault is that? yours, you put yourself in that situation, and if its the case of having feelings beyond attraction for someone the first time you meet them? then that shows you do NOT love your SO Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Only if you exert the daily willpower not to do so. Attraction to other human beings (part of what make you human - its in your pheromones and your biology) doesn't just magically disappear when you enter a committed relationship. You can, however focus your will in such a way that you are not receptive to that attraction - if that is something that is in your nature to do. The ability to exert willpower over biology is something that is different for everyone. Exactly, I never said it was wrong to have a PHYSICAL attraction to someone else, but im saying for it to become more than that when you have a gf/bf shows complete disrespect to them and shows you dont really love them, yes a person cant help thinking someone else is attractive, but ill be damned if they cant help seeing the person alot, hanging out with that person, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 I have to agree, to a point. If you have a crush on someone, you have a choice: make a point of hanging out more with them (which almost always leads to something deeper: either physically or emotionally), or making a point of not hanging out with them (which pretty much kills any chance of anything more happening). Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 Exactly my point, im not knockin ppl for being attracted, but there is no cosmic force or pheromone that tells someone to "hang out with guy I think is hot even if I have a bf" its just bad judgement and total lack of respect Link to post Share on other sites
winnie_05 Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 I do agree with what you're saying. My crush was very wrong, and I did feel something for him, i couldn't help but spend time with him and I didn't choose that but as soon as I did stay way those feelings went away in time. I still find him attractive but not to the extent I did. So, yes you are right staying away from the 'crush' does help control your feelings to a certain degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.positive Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 Feelings arn't always real. Iwouldn't worry about it . Everyone does it at least you can admit it. That's not saying much for the other people but hey . Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Originally posted by winnie_05 I do agree with what you're saying. My crush was very wrong, and I did feel something for him, i couldn't help but spend time with him and I didn't choose that but as soon as I did stay way those feelings went away in time. I still find him attractive but not to the extent I did. So, yes you are right staying away from the 'crush' does help control your feelings to a certain degree. please explain to me how you couldnt help but spend time with him? did he use some sort of mind control? blackmail? were you possessed by someone else? theres a very easy way :tell him you have a bf and to get lost, I cant see how if you love someone that you wouldnt be able to stay away from some dude, no offense Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Originally posted by Spectre please explain to me how you couldnt help but spend time with him? did he use some sort of mind control? blackmail? were you possessed by someone else? theres a very easy way :tell him you have a bf and to get lost, I cant see how if you love someone that you wouldnt be able to stay away from some dude, no offense Uhh... Sometimes you have to work or got to school with other people. Should people start quiting because they are attracted to others and could possibly develop a crush? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Originally posted by Horse Uhh... Sometimes you have to work or got to school with other people. Should people start quiting because they are attracted to others and could possibly develop a crush? So, if she goes to school with him, he is made to sit next to her in every single class? think not so, if she works with him, meaning her job specifically requires her to be around him a lot? doubtful, wanna know why? because she said herself she eventually stayed away from him Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts