Of crushes and feelings

[Marshbear32]

Originally posted by Spectre

Exactly, I never said it was wrong to have a PHYSICAL attraction to someone else, but im saying for it to become more than that when you have a gf/bf shows complete disrespect to them and shows you dont really love them, yes a person cant help thinking someone else is attractive, but ill be damned if they cant help seeing the person alot, hanging out with that person, etc.

 

I agree Spectre. We do have the power to see a problem and avoid the situation. If you see yourself thinking about a person or wanting to spend time with them away from work then you should back away and remove yourself from the crush. You are becoming emotionally attached. You may not want to hurt their feelings but to end your relationship with your SO over them would be much worse.

[winnie_05]

I couldn't help but spend time with him because it was my boyfriends dad. I could hardly tell my boyfriend I didn't want to spend time with him.

 

I couldn't help the way I felt until I had the opportunity to remove myself from the situation. Like I said i still find him attractive but thats ok, but i know the feelings I had for him were wrong.

[Horse]

Originally posted by Spectre

 

 

So, if she goes to school with him, he is made to sit next to her in every single class? think not

 

so, if she works with him, meaning her job specifically requires her to be around him a lot? doubtful, wanna know why? because she said herself she eventually stayed away from him

 

I wasn't talking about any specific situation, so yes sometimes in school and work you do have to sit next to or work closely with other people.

 

In school, I often had projects that had to be worked on in teams or in partnerships. The project often meant I had to spend a lot of time in school and out of school working closely with one or two other people for a few months.

 

 

The same thing can happen at work or you can work at a place where there are only a few people.

 

I agree that when it is practical, it is better to avoid spending a lot of time with someone you are really attracted too. That's common sense. But I disagree that it is always possible or that just because you have developed a crush on someone it automatically means you don't love or respect your SO.

[elijahBailey]

oh wow! didn't expect so many replies over the weekend.... Awesome!

 

Originally posted by winnie_05

I couldn't help but spend time with him because it was my boyfriends dad.

 

You make me feel a lot better about myself now, winnie

just kidding ya but it sounds like we can crush on just about anyone.

 

Originally posted by Horse

Sometimes you have to work or got to school with other people. Should people start quiting because they are attracted to others and could possibly develop a crush?

 

Exactly!! Let's just say work... You work with the person everyday. You don't just quit because of your feelings toward that person. No, I'm not talking about an emotional affair, because if it is, then you should get your butt out of that place and find another job. A crush is just what it is..... a crush.... and you don't tell the other person about it. You feel awful inside, and that's what I want to address; what I want to rein in.

 

Originally posted by Marshbear32

If you see yourself thinking about a person or wanting to spend time with them away from work then you should back away and remove yourself from the crush

 

Like how Marshbear? If it's someone you need to see everyday....

 

Anyhow, I'll summarize what the folks have suggested...

1) Focus on the other person's shortcomings (thanks Horse).

2) exert willpower over biology (as suggested by LucreziaBorgia. thanks)

 

Seems to me that some people are just not genetically predisposed to crushes. Guess they are the lucky ones.

 

I also want to make another point here. IMHO crushes, oftentimes, develop when someone consciously make the effort to seek attention or play others. What finally becomes a crush usually begins at first, as an 'innocent' flirtation.

[Spectre]

Originally posted by winnie_05

I couldn't help but spend time with him because it was my boyfriends dad. I could hardly tell my boyfriend I didn't want to spend time with him.

 

I couldn't help the way I felt until I had the opportunity to remove myself from the situation. Like I said i still find him attractive but thats ok, but i know the feelings I had for him were wrong.

 

god..you had a crush on the dudes FATHER, thats an alltime low right there, theres absolutely no excuse and sorry, I cant imagine why you'd need to be around your dads bf a lot, especially in a situation where you can flirt, seeing as I doubt you'd do it with ur bf there so you must of been alone..its just SCARY that girls do this, ill never trust a chick again

[Spectre]

Originally posted by elijahBailey

 

Exactly!! Let's just say work... You work with the person everyday. You don't just quit because of your feelings toward that person. No, I'm not talking about an emotional affair, because if it is, then you should get your butt out of that place and find another job. A crush is just what it is..... a crush.... and you don't tell the other person about it. You feel awful inside, and that's what I want to address; what I want to rein in.

 

so according to you, its ok to develop a crush on someone else, continue to see them daily, and NOT tell your bf/gf about it? I find that incredibly odd, I would want to know if my gf had a crush..so I could dump her ass, thing is, like i said, if u develop FEELINGS for a co-worker etc. what is more important? your bf/gf or that job thats gonna massively f*ck your life up?

 

 

Like how Marshbear? If it's someone you need to see everyday....

 

Anyhow, I'll summarize what the folks have suggested...

1) Focus on the other person's shortcomings (thanks Horse).

2) exert willpower over biology (as suggested by LucreziaBorgia. thanks)

 

Seems to me that some people are just not genetically predisposed to crushes. Guess they are the lucky ones.

 

I also want to make another point here. IMHO crushes, oftentimes, develop when someone consciously make the effort to seek attention or play others. What finally becomes a crush usually begins at first, as an 'innocent' flirtation.

 

Innocent flirtations? again, girls think its ok to have innocent flirtations with guys? wow, ill repeat: I will never find the right girl

 

and sure, there could be a situation where you need to see someone everyday, but ill be DAMNED if that means you must be alone with that person, and if ur gonna openly flirt with a coworker in front of your other workers, especially seeing as most jobs dont want their employees fraternizing and hell some ppl might know youre taken, its just trashy to me

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by Spectre

god..you had a crush on the dudes FATHER, thats an alltime low right there, theres absolutely no excuse and sorry, I cant imagine why you'd need to be around your dads bf a lot, especially in a situation where you can flirt, seeing as I doubt you'd do it with ur bf there so you must of been alone..its just SCARY that girls do this, ill never trust a chick again

 

dude, pal, buddy.... whatever....

Maybe you should leave her alone. She didn't need to tell us who her crush was, but she did. I don't see what's wrong with that. She didn't hit on him, it was just a crush. She didn't do nothing about it. Ya know what? Some people have crushes on cartoon characters.... so what does it say about them? They minds are warped?

 

If it's something she can control, she would. Can you tell a schizo not to be schizo? Can you tell a bipolar not to be bipolar? You're casting stones here buddy.

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by Spectre

I would want to know if my gf had a crush..so I could dump her ass,

 

whatever makes you tick, dude.

 

 

Originally posted by Spectre

Innocent flirtations? again, girls think its ok to have innocent flirtations with guys? wow, ill repeat: I will never find the right girl

 

you're not reading me right. I didn't say nothin' about innocent flirtations being okay. I'm merely sayin' crushes start with innocent flirtations. I'm not advocating flirting. Read it again...

 

It's gettin' hot in here.

[Horse]

Spectres cooments make me wonder if he? has ever been in a long term relationship or had a job he? couldn't easily walk away from.

 

If you have a career or a family to support, you can't just walk away from your job every time you are attracted to someone you work with.

 

Nor should you break up with your girlfriend every time you find yourself strongly attracted to another person.

 

You eventually have to learn to deal with your feelings. Facing them and putting them in perspective is usually the best way.

 

Avoiding or running away from them doesn't seem like a good plan to me.

 

I get what you are saying about not encouraging the situation. I agree. But I tend to judge people by their actions (which are relatively easy to control) rather than their emotions (which are not).

[Spectre]

Originally posted by Horse

Spectres cooments make me wonder if he? has ever been in a long term relationship or had a job he? couldn't easily walk away from.

 

If you have a career or a family to support, you can't just walk away from your job every time you are attracted to someone you work with.

 

Nor should you break up with your girlfriend every time you find yourself strongly attracted to another person.

 

You eventually have to learn to deal with your feelings. Facing them and putting them in perspective is usually the best way.

 

Avoiding or running away from them doesn't seem like a good plan to me.

 

I get what you are saying about not encouraging the situation. I agree. But I tend to judge people by their actions (which are relatively easy to control) rather than their emotions (which are not).

 

Ive had both, I never said quit your job if youre attracted, but if it becomes something more? yes

 

I never said i'd break up with my gf if i was attracted to someone, if i developed feelings I would

[Spectre]

Originally posted by elijahBailey

dude, pal, buddy.... whatever....

Maybe you should leave her alone. She didn't need to tell us who her crush was, but she did. I don't see what's wrong with that. She didn't hit on him, it was just a crush. She didn't do nothing about it. Ya know what? Some people have crushes on cartoon characters.... so what does it say about them? They minds are warped?

 

If it's something she can control, she would. Can you tell a schizo not to be schizo? Can you tell a bipolar not to be bipolar? You're casting stones here buddy.

 

I guess, I just think its shady..his father? I dunno, we have to establish the type of crush we mean, crush based on attractions or crushes based on feelings..and she did imply she flirted with him..which is just wrong

[Spectre]

Originally posted by elijahBailey

whatever makes you tick, dude.

 

 

 

 

you're not reading me right. I didn't say nothin' about innocent flirtations being okay. I'm merely sayin' crushes start with innocent flirtations. I'm not advocating flirting. Read it again...

 

It's gettin' hot in here.

 

but what is an innocent flirtation to you? flirting is flirting to me, and I dunno, i wouldnt want my gf to be flirting with other dudes, I mean, I know you cant control emotions, but you can control what you say, how you act, who you see, etc. yeah theres exceptions like if you work with someone, but theres still ways to avoid it, Ive just been ****ted on by a lot of chicks so I guess i get ticked off more easily..and if my gf had a crush on my dad that would frickin devastate me( and again, by crush i mean more than just a physical attraction)

[Horse]

OK... I think we are talking about differen't things. I'm talking about a crush, basically a strong attraction that makes you think about someone a lot. You are apparantly talking about a strong attraction that has been encouraged and is now what a lot of people would consider an emotional affair (Where you feel like you are in love with the other person).

 

If this is the case, I almost agree.

 

I was thrown off by this

 

Originally posted by Spectre

This is what bothers me, to me, if you truly are in love with someone, you arent going to develop little crushes on people...

 

A little crush is a lot different from something that has been encouraged and allowed to grow.

 

 

 

The reason I said I almost agree is this:

 

Originally posted by Spectre

If you are in a relationship and develop feelings for someone else I think the respectful thing to do is end the relationship immediately, even if the person you are interested in doesnt want you

 

...nd if I do develop more than platonic feelings for a girl I most certainly would break up with my current gf...

 

 

To me it seems like it would be better to acknowledge your feeling and deal with them, rather than run away from the situation and break some girls heart.

 

One of the reasons people end up cheating is that they don't deal with their feelings. They don't put everything into perspective. They just follow them blindly, either by running away from a bad situation with their SO or by running towards someone they have a crush on.

 

 

 

Originally posted by Spectre

if you are in a relationship the SECOND you are attracted to someone else should alert you, im not saying its bad, but as soon as you know you have a gf but youre attracted to so and so, stay away from her, dont talk to her, dont get to know her, cuz the ONLY thing it can do is lead to problems, if someone willingly knows they are attracted to someone, and then still goes and hangs out with them, gets to know them then they deserve to be dumped in my honest opinion

 

I used to sort of feel this way. The first three years of my relationship with my wife, I avoided getting to know to any women that I considered attractive. Besides coming accross like a social retard, it made it difficult for me to make any new friends or network. Men and women often hang out in groups, so if I was going to be part of a group, I had to talk to the women too.

 

I guess I could have just sought out ugly people to be friends with.

[Spectre]

Originally posted by Horse

OK... I think we are talking about differen't things. I'm talking about a crush, basically a strong attraction that makes you think about someone a lot. You are apparantly talking about a strong attraction that has been encouraged and is now what a lot of people would consider an emotional affair (Where you feel like you are in love with the other person).

 

If this is the case, I almost agree.

 

I was thrown off by this

 

 

 

A little crush is a lot different from something that has been encouraged and allowed to grow.

 

 

 

The reason I said I almost agree is this:

 

 

 

To me it seems like it would be better to acknowledge your feeling and deal with them, rather than run away from the situation and break some girls heart.

 

One of the reasons people end up cheating is that they don't deal with their feelings. They don't put everything into perspective. They just follow them blindly, either by running away from a bad situation with their SO or by running towards someone they have a crush on.

 

 

 

 

 

I used to sort of feel this way. The first three years of my relationship with my wife, I avoided getting to know to any women that I considered attractive. Besides coming accross like a social retard, it made it difficult for me to make any new friends or network. Men and women often hang out in groups, so if I was going to be part of a group, I had to talk to the women too.

 

I guess I could have just sought out ugly people to be friends with.

 

the thing with little crush, I meant..being attracted..and having feelings for someone, but in the manner of ohh I really like you as more than a friend..but not up to the love status yet

 

I feel like this, it might hurt if I had a gf and began to feel for someone else and dumped her, but I think it would hurt her more if we stayed together knowing I had those feelings, atleast to me it would be hard to deal with, I'd always be dwellin on the fact that my significant other liked someone else, and would be scared it would happen again

 

i think the situation with your wife and friends is a bit different though, because you might find those women attractive, but there wouldnt be a reason for you to be around them without your wife would there? and with them without their husbands

[Horse]

Originally posted by Spectre

 

I feel like this, it might hurt if I had a gf and began to feel for someone else and dumped her, but I think it would hurt her more if we stayed together knowing I had those feelings, at least to me it would be hard to deal with, I'd always be dwellin on the fact that my significant other liked someone else, and would be scared it would happen again

 

No offense, but that sounds pretty insecure to me. If my wife liked someone else, and acted against it. It wouldn't bother me much. I would be jealous because she liked someone else, but I would be happy that she chose to nip her crush in the bud and stay committed to our relationship.

 

If she just dumped me just because she developed a crush on someone else, I would be pissed. I would be pissed that she didn't value our relationship enough to stay and work on it.

 

Fortunately I know she is committed enough to stay and work things out.

 

You hear relationships take work all of the time. This is one of the things that people have to work on. Dealing with the other people in the world, including the ones that you are attracted to.

 

 

Originally posted by Spectre

i think the situation with your wife and friends is a bit different though, because you might find those women attractive, but there wouldnt be a reason for you to be around them without your wife would there? and with them without their husbands

 

No, I spend time alone with my friends, we go to lunch or the movies etc. It hasn't been an problem. If I did develop more than platonic feelings for a friend I would end the friendship, not my marriage.

[winnie_05]

Spectre

 

I didn't just wake up one day and think right I'll develop a crush on my boyfriends dad because believe me if you could choose it would't have been him.

 

Having a crush on my boyfriends dad just happened, something happened and one day I realized I was attracted to him at first it was nothing, i could handle that. Then I started to feel things for him. I didn't flirt knowingly, it was more a case of alot of eye contact, smiling etc and me probably picking up the wrong signals. Nothing happened and I doubt he ever felt anything.

 

I couldn't control my feeling at first, until I managed to get myself out the situation.

 

Now I find him attractive, i couldn't help feeling the way I did. It was a crush now and i know that. Just like having a crush on a teacher and thinking your in love. Its an illusion.

 

Winnie

[Horse]

That is pretty Jerry Springer though.

[winnie_05]

Well like i said i didnt choose it to happen.

[CarmenIbanez]

I have been married a long time. I love my husband. I have made the decision to be faithful and be in love. I say that because being in love with your spouse is a decision that is made, and then kept. But realistically, in a long term marriage you will go through times when you're not in love with your spouse. You still love them and are committed, but you aren't in love. So one day, you make the decision to get back in love. It's called ups and downs. It is normal. Having crushes is, I think, a perfect way to live out little fantasies without acting.