Feel so depressed - any support?

[goldengirl11]

I don't know how to start off, but I feel at my wits end right now. Have slept most of today since getting home as just needed to switch off. Hopefully I will concentrate ok at work tomorrow.

I have been on a roller-coaster with a MM for five years now, which included him moving out for 6 months, but he moved back two years ago and is still struggling with his marriage, which he has given me mixed messages about. Although reality is finalising kicking in now, that I AM likely wasting my time with him.

He had recently come back from holiday on his own, due to wanting to be on his own to figure out stuff, followed by us meeting for a chat (and heavy snogging) about our feelings, etc. Basically, he's not as keen as he used to be and this is mainly because it didn't really progress from dates when he moved out. However, I admitted that I was too embarrassed too invite him round anymore, as I ended up trashing my flat, due to probably being overworked and ongoing depression.

He also only invited me round just the once though, due to it being awkward for me to stay, because of the flat mates. Although I recall he said it would've helped if I'd invited him round! We have also previously discussed me (apparently) disappearing for several weeks when he first moved out, which he thinks killed it for him, so looking back I wish I'd made more effort.

Also, much to our frustration, despite his ongoing attraction for me he said, he has only on a couple of occasions managed to penetrate me fully, which he thinks is down to vaginismus (I take responsibility for this), but he thinks he may have erectile dysfunction, after he admitted seeing a sexual counsellor on his own a few months ago and was advised to read a book which he did on holiday. He said he can't take another sexual setback.

This weekend has been very upsetting, as they are both at a festival all weekend, which I went to yesterday for the day. I happened to see them a couple of times, at one point I walked past them (I'm not sure if he noticed or not), but did wave. It was painful to watch them enjoying the music together (if no affection), when I so wanted to go over and say hi, but he pre-warned me that he'd probably ignore me, if we bumped into each other! Then said try and get a ticket!

I regret not speaking to him though, as his wife was standing in front of him at some point. Also I was just about to go and say hi, when I noticed he was sitting on his own, but then his wife came back!!

I guess he might message tomorrow / Tues and admit to sending a few emotional texts the night before festival, which he did reply to and said that he was trying to keep positive, but I'm just putting pressure on him which he doesn't need right now! He also said he wouldn't have his phone on him this weekend.

What haunted me from our chat recently (we briefly spoke on the phone the next day, until work stopped me), is that he said he wanted to make another go with her when he went back home (two years ago), but he had strongly made it out to be due to losing his job when he moved back before. Also he said that he thought we'd agreed to have a break then, but asked if he thought we were in a relationship. I said I didn't know, but I know deep down we're not.

Due to still being embarrassed to invite him/anyone round, I pretended the other night that I have moved back home, but on a temporary basis, which I said I feared it would make things worse for us. I know I need to sort my life out!

I appreciate that next time round in a relationship I need to open myself up more (in more ways than one!).

I just needed to get some stuff out of my system hence writing. Although again, I know I have to meet someone else. If just to try and help me move on and if there is any (not too harsh) advice please?

Edited July 2, 2017 by goldengirl11

[goldengirl11]

I understand the advice is pretty much the same though - don't go there!! It's just not easy talking to friends, as you're considered a monster for getting involved with someone attached!

[beautiful_day]

Golden Girl, you sound so overwhelmed ... from your work, from the housework getting ahead of you, and of course from this affair. I think you should probably visit your GP for help with the depression. How you feel right now isn't how your life needs to be.

 

Seeing him at the concert and not being able to speak to him just underscores your loneliness, but sometimes we cling to hope for fear of the very loneliness that these relationships are causing.

 

I think the most empowering thing you can do today is to make a plan to get out of this situation. It might start with making an appointment to see the doctor, it might be as simple as doing the dishes, or buying yourself some flowers, or starting a job search. But each step is a step forward. Imagine yourself in a better situation and then walk towards it. When we empower ourselves, we are more able to say no to others who are damaging our self worth. You also need a posse of a few people who will help you. If you swallow your pride and ask for help in real life, you will be surprised at how unexpected people come forward.

[sandylee1]

This 'relationship' isn't heading anywhere or doing any good for your emotional well-being.

 

Relationships aren't meant to be this hard.

 

5 years and the sex isn't great.

 

He isn't overly attracted to you anymore.

 

It's a waste of time.

 

In order to leave his wife, in his eyes you'd need to be much better.... That's not the case for him right now.

 

He's shown you that he'd ignore you, if you approached him. That's telling you where he places you in his life.

 

He also sounds confused and a bit unstable. I think you'd be much better off without him and trying to sort out your apartment.

 

In time things will improve in your life. But only once he's history.

 

I'd go no contact with him immediately.

[goldengirl11]

Thanks for both replies. Admit I'm feeling distraught tonight, as last night too. Can't believe how two faced he's been to me and there was me thinking that I loved him! He's treated me like s**t and now it seems like he wants some space to sort his head out, etc. He doesn't deserve any birthday gift!! I feel a total mug what I've been put through and frankly he doesn't deserve me! The situation makes me feel suicidal at times and just want to go to bed when I get home from work just to switch off. I feel he's holding power over me since last Thurs when we met and just feel dumped since the weekend. I know that if he loved me he wouldn't have moved back 2 years ago, even if his job had ended. I'm in such pain right now.

[SeenNotHeard]

I know your head and heart are very heavy right now. You know this is best for you, but feelings are involved so easier said than done. Know you will get through this and that there is light at the end of this painful almost soul crushing turmoil. Best to you.

[TheBathWater]

The loneliness is the hardest part of an affair for the other partner, whether that's when we're actively in the affair or (especially) when we're ending the relationship. The loneliness might as well be thought of as a withdrawal symptom, similar to that of ending a chemical dependency addiction.

 

I have come to believe that the trauma that is experienced by all parties during an affair (other partner, taken partner, and taken partner's partner) is among the most excruciating human emotional pain that exists.

 

In the end, we have to decide for ourselves whether or not the pain is worth continuing. These relationships often play an important role in our lives that maybe is not worth erasing if we could go back and do so. However, to continue to put ourselves through the agony and torture any further only prolongs the potential that we DO have in our lives for real, reciprocal, committed love.

 

My thoughts are with you this evening.

[BaileyB]

You really should talk to your doctor and find a counsellor to help you to deal with your depression. Then at least, you will be feeling better and you will have the strength to get your life on a better path.

 

The sad reality is that you have wasted a lot of time in a dead end relationship. And, you are prepared to waste more time "the next time around." He treats you badly and the sex isn't good... I have no idea what you gain from this very unhealthy association that seems to bring you nothing but unhappiness, no joy.

 

I hope you find a way out soon. Life is too short, and you deserve so much more than this...

[misspalmy]

what helps me is. hot bath, with box chocolate and glass of wine, i forget my ex mm in there.

[wmacbride]

Thanks for both replies. Admit I'm feeling distraught tonight, as last night too. Can't believe how two faced he's been to me and there was me thinking that I loved him! He's treated me like s**t and now it seems like he wants some space to sort his head out, etc. He doesn't deserve any birthday gift!! I feel a total mug what I've been put through and frankly he doesn't deserve me! The situation makes me feel suicidal at times and just want to go to bed when I get home from work just to switch off. I feel he's holding power over me since last Thurs when we met and just feel dumped since the weekend. I know that if he loved me he wouldn't have moved back 2 years ago, even if his job had ended. I'm in such pain right now.

 

It sounds like you have way more on your plate right ow than you need, and he's one of the major problems in your life.

 

Depression has been an issue in our household, and it can be easy to "self medicate" so to speak in some very unhealthy ways.

 

Stop worrying about him. He's a big boy, and if he couldn't pull up his big boy pants for long enough to leave for good, if that really is what he wanted to do, then that is on him.

 

Are you seriously saying he invited you to an event where he was going to be with his wife? What a knob! Was kind of a tool does that? Invite you so you can be hurt seeing him with his wife, and parading his relationship with you right in front of you by inviting you and then waving? What kind of a ind comes up with something like that? I bet it puffed his ego up until it was a big as all outdoors.

 

Seriously? Please tell me hat exactly it is that you see in a jerk like this?

[goldengirl11]

It sounds like you have way more on your plate right ow than you need, and he's one of the major problems in your life.

 

Depression has been an issue in our household, and it can be easy to "self medicate" so to speak in some very unhealthy ways.

 

Stop worrying about him. He's a big boy, and if he couldn't pull up his big boy pants for long enough to leave for good, if that really is what he wanted to do, then that is on him.

 

Are you seriously saying he invited you to an event where he was going to be with his wife? What a knob! Was kind of a tool does that? Invite you so you can be hurt seeing him with his wife, and parading his relationship with you right in front of you by inviting you and then waving? What kind of a ind comes up with something like that? I bet it puffed his ego up until it was a big as all outdoors.

 

Seriously? Please tell me hat exactly it is that you see in a jerk like this?

Hi,

Thanks for your message! And sorry for not replying sooner.

He told me he planned to go to festival with his wife and seemed to not mind that I was probably going too (not because of him though). However, he freaked out when I'd texted to say I was there. Although I'm not sure if he saw me there (despite me waving at him).

See my other thread I just posted!

Best wishes.