Husband Caught in Sextortion Scam????

[LostNtrapped]

So I have posted here a few times over the past year. My husband and I have been having some issues in our marriage. I won't get into the long history of past issues, but it has to do with chronic sexting, lying and a short separation. 3 years ago I had enough and we split for a short time. We decided to make things work and stayed together. He promised to never sext women again and I promised to cut off ties with a man friend I had met during the split. Here we are 3 years later and about 2 weeks ago he sits me down and says he needs to tell me something.

 

He starts getting emotional and tells me he screwed up and sexted some chick he found on craigslist platonic ads. Goes on to tell me this wild story about guys calling his phone harrassing him, and saying the female he sexted lied about her age and was really 16. Saying they expect money from him or he will be charged as soliciting sex with a minor etc. He hid this whole situation from me for a month! He finally tells me and it turned out to be a scam to get money from guys online. Anyways, I'm just at a loss as to why he would sext again. I thought we were passed this and moved on. We have 2 kids and been together 11 years, married 9 years. The lying is what bothers me the most. He of course tells me that this scared the **** out of him and he will never do it again. He doesn't even want a smartphone anymore etc. I don't know what to do at this point, I don't want to uproot the kids over sexting, but at the same time how long will I put up with this pattern of behavior? Anyone else have a spouse who got caught up in a sextortion scam?

[preraph]

Well, he may quit sexting now but that doesn't mean he'll stop lying and cheating. He should call the cops on that sextortion scheme. You either decide you'd rather live with a liar and cheater than not or you leave him. And most of all, you try not to let your kids know anything about this stuff because if you stay with him, that makes you BOTH terrible role models because you're telling them this is normal and not a dealbreaker. You're telling a daughter it's normal to put up with this and this is the type of guy to fall for and you're telling a son this is how to be.

 

So obviously, I fall on the side of dumping him and setting a proper example for your kids. Once they're teens they'll see him for who he is, though, because he'll have no boundaries and they'll see what he's up to or he'll flirt with their friends or make comments about women around them or whatever.

[angel.eyes]

You don't need a smartphone to sext! You don't even need a phone. Additionally, even if he gives you his current smartphone, it doesn't mean he won't go out and get another one behind your back.

 

Obviously, this will just resume and escalate in a few months once he's over his scare. He can't be trusted.

 

If you choose to stay, perhaps start a support group with Huma Abedin. She just filed for divorce last month when her spouse was charged with sexting a minor. She'll have tons of advice on dealing with a spouse who not only destroys his career via sexting, but can't stop and eventually also deep-sixes your life and career with his continued antics. Happy times!

[mikeylo]

From where I see it , this is THE reason to keep your kids away and safe from this guy.

[LostNtrapped]

You don't need a smartphone to sext! You don't even need a phone. Additionally, even if he gives you his current smartphone, it doesn't mean he won't go out and get another one behind your back.

 

Obviously, this will just resume and escalate in a few months once he's over his scare. He can't be trusted.

 

If you choose to stay, perhaps start a support group with Huma Abedin. She just filed for divorce last month when her spouse was charged with sexting a minor. She'll have tons of advice on dealing with a spouse who not only destroys his career via sexting, but can't stop and eventually also deep-sixes your life and career with his continued antics. Happy times!

 

I have to make it clear this was a scam, there was no 16 year old girl nor a female at all. They used pics from the net to try and scam money from him. His actions as far as willingly sending a nude pic and lying to me is what the issue is about.

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

In my eyes you have already given your husband a chance. The deceit, texting, lying to you is disrespectful to you and your marriage. He has only told you about this time, how many others before? It hasn't stopped him before, and I doubt crying and getting rid of his smartphone will stop him. And I think you know that. Trust has been broken. Don't you think he has hurt you enough? You deserve so much better. You deserve respect.

[angel.eyes]

So sending nude pictures to strangers on Craigslist isn't sexting? The fact that he continues sexting strangers he thinks are female hotties on Craigslist isn't an issue?!? Problem averted because the young hottie he thought he was sexting turned out to be some grizzled guy?!?

 

Did he not promise to stop sexting other women three years ago? Was he not sexting...individuals he thought were female hotties off Craigslist? Who exactly did he think he was sexting? A guy? A middle-aged babushka with photos so airbrushed she looked barely legal? Or some young hottie (or so he thought) whose pictures he saw on Craigslist?

 

He's lied to you for 3+ years straight about his sexting? Hides his dilemma until he can contain it no more and it's about to explode in his face, then gives you a story that he didn't realize she was 16. How old did he think the girl in the photos was? Fifty? Do you honestly believe he's giving you the full story...or half-truths? Why hasn't he involved law enforcement if it's a scam? Isn't that what a victim with nothing to hide would do? Is it possible he's afraid of what they will uncover about him were they to start investigating?

 

Look if you want to dig your head in the sand, minimize, deny, and in the process expose yourself to all sorts of seedy types because of your husband's predilections, that's your prerogative. But your kids certainly deserve a safe environment. And as the only responsible adult in your relationship, that's your job.

[LostNtrapped]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

In my eyes you have already given your husband a chance. The deceit, texting, lying to you is disrespectful to you and your marriage. He has only told you about this time, how many others before? It hasn't stopped him before, and I doubt crying and getting rid of his smartphone will stop him. And I think you know that. Trust has been broken. Don't you think he has hurt you enough? You deserve so much better. You deserve respect.

 

I do deserve better and I know I do. I think what is holding my back from actually packing up and leaving is our kids. I'm unable to work enough to support myself and the kids. I have chronic health issues that impact my daily life, so working enough isn't feasible. I have no where else to go with the kids if I wanted to leave him either. My family is in a hard time right now, my parents lost their home etc. I'm afraid I will miss him if I leave him, which sounds insane because he's really not loads of fun to be around. Idk what to do.

[LostNtrapped]

So sending nude pictures to strangers on Craigslist isn't sexting? The fact that he continues sexting strangers he thinks are female hotties on Craigslist isn't an issue?!? Problem averted because the young hottie he thought he was sexting turned out to be some grizzled guy?!?

 

Did he not promise to stop sexting other women three years ago? Was he not sexting...individuals he thought were female hotties off Craigslist? Who exactly did he think he was sexting? A guy? A middle-aged babushka with photos so airbrushed she looked barely legal? Or some young hottie (or so he thought) whose pictures he saw on Craigslist?

 

He's lied to you for 3+ years straight about his sexting? Hides his dilemma until he can contain it no more and it's about to explode in his face, then gives you a story that he didn't realize she was 16. How old did he think the girl in the photos was? Fifty? Do you honestly believe he's giving you the full story...or half-truths? Why hasn't he involved law enforcement if it's a scam? Isn't that what a victim with nothing to hide would do? Is it possible he's afraid of what they will uncover about him were they to start investigating?

 

Look if you want to dig your head in the sand, minimize, deny, and in the process expose yourself to all sorts of seedy types because of your husband's predilections, that's your prerogative. But your kids certainly deserve a safe environment. And as the only responsible adult in your relationship, that's your job.

 

He didn't lie to me the last 3 years about sexting, this was his only infraction that I know about within the last 3 years. He sexted on and off 6 years ago. I'm not minimizing anything not denying anything. I was merely stating that this particular situation that just happened was supposed to be a chick in her 30's, no way in hell looked young like 16. Some guys were just trying to scam him out of money by scaring him. That said, he still chose to seek out a female to talk to and eventually sext with. I'm not ignoring this fact, but it's not exactly always possible to just up and leave.

[angel.eyes]

Look into women's support groups in your area. Speak with a social worker about the support systems available to you were you to leave him. Speak with a legal aid attorney. He or she can give you some idea of what to expect with regard to child support, alimony, etc.

 

Since you're unable to work full time, have you looked at disability?

 

You face some tough decisions. But hanging around as things get worse (because he's now getting blackmailed, etc.) is probably not the answer. It's tough and it's scary, but you're probably better off leaving.

[angel.eyes]

He didn't lie to me the last 3 years about sexting, this was his only infraction that I know about within the last 3 years. He sexted on and off 6 years ago. I'm not minimizing anything not denying anything.

Talk about unlucky! Supposedly the very first time a proven liar goes back to sexting, he gets scammed and blackmailed. What are the odds?

 

You may want to check his browsing history before insisting this is the only time he's gone on Craigslist to find sexting partners on its "platonic" forum in the past three years.

 

The more detail you provide, the less his story adds up.

[LostNtrapped]

Look into women's support groups in your area. Speak with a social worker about the support systems available to you were you to leave him. Speak with a legal aid attorney. He or she can give you some idea of what to expect with regard to child support, alimony, etc.

 

Since you're unable to work full time, have you looked at disability?

 

You face some tough decisions. But hanging around as things get worse (because he's now getting blackmailed, etc.) is probably not the answer. It's tough and it's scary, but you're probably better off leaving.

 

Thanks, I have looked into disability, but unfortunately I have no case. I lack work credits. I looked into SSI, but it is income based, so if they consider child support as income I would be ineligible for SSI. It's really a **** show.

[LostNtrapped]

Talk about unlucky! Supposedly the very first time a proven liar goes back to sexting, he gets scammed and blackmailed. What are the odds?

 

You may want to check his browsing history before insisting this is the only time he's gone on Craigslist to find sexting partners on its "platonic" forum in the past three years.

 

The more detail you provide, the less his story adds up.

 

Oh believe me, I'm not naive to think he doesnt do this regularly. I'm sure he does, he is very good at hiding it these days.

[Poppyolive]

I do deserve better and I know I do. I think what is holding my back from actually packing up and leaving is our kids. I'm unable to work enough to support myself and the kids. I have chronic health issues that impact my daily life, so working enough isn't feasible. I have no where else to go with the kids if I wanted to leave him either. My family is in a hard time right now, my parents lost their home etc. I'm afraid I will miss him if I leave him, which sounds insane because he's really not loads of fun to be around. Idk what to do.

 

 

I completely understand. I'm not sure what country you live in, but it may be worth your while to rally community services and help, support groups etc. Fill your boots with advice on how to move forward for you and your kids. Just because your relationship failed doesn't mean you both can't co parent and draw up a plan. You continue staying in this marriage and your self worth, esteem will deminish. Stand tall, be proud, show your kids, put husband in his place. Strengthen your boundaries. Call the shots. Take care of yourself. You can do all this and still co-parent. You can live apart and still co-parent.

[angel.eyes]

Thanks, I have looked into disability, but unfortunately I have no case. I lack work credits. I looked into SSI, but it is income based, so if they consider child support as income I would be ineligible for SSI. It's really a **** show.

 

I'm so sorry to hear. I still think it's worthwhile to speak with a social worker. Depending on your city/town/state, there are lots of resources for single parents with dependent children. There may be options you haven't considered.

 

Also, try to get some legal advice. Aside from alimony and child support, you don't want to be stuck with your husband's bills and undisclosed debts because you didn't protect yourself.

 

Best of luck. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it gets.

[LostNtrapped]

I'm so sorry to hear. I still think it's worthwhile to speak with a social worker. Depending on your city/town/state, there are lots of resources for single parents with dependent children. There may be options you haven't considered.

 

Also, try to get some legal advice. Aside from alimony and child support, you don't want to be stuck with your husband's bills and undisclosed debts because you didn't protect yourself.

 

Best of luck. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it gets.

 

Thank you, I know it will help to reach out to social services and to legal aid and see if I can get any help.

[Ahurtgirl]

There is a chance that this did scare him enough. Extortion websites use peoples pics from CL and other websites all the time to get money from people. It's impossible to get the pic/image off the Internet without paying sometimes thousands of dollars to the extortionist. This actually happened to a guy I know. His girlfriend got upset at him because he hurt her so she posted his pic and about what he had done (he cheated on her) on the internet. She didn't know it was an extortion website and when she tried removing the information the same day, the website wouldn't allow it until $2500 was paid to them. Police and attorneys aren't able to do much once it's on a website as the Internet isn't considered a regulated business. Usually the people who collect pics from places like Craigslist are not able to be tracked. They will sell your pics to other websites also to use against you.

Has he shown you the information they are threatening to use? You may want to do a Google search of his name and any images also in the event he shared his real name and the extortionist may have already made links of his pic /name.

Extortionist have destroyed many relationships and families because of what they do to destroy reputations.

 

What is most concerning about your situation is there are undercover police who also put themselves on craigslist and other back pages to lure in anyone interested in minors and even if he doesn't meet up with them but the intentions are seemingly there based on his responses to the ad, etc., he can be prosecuted based on intentions. We have stings in our area all the time and have known of cases that go to court just from those ads that the police put out there. You don't have to meet up to get in trouble... intent is also illegal and the extortionist know this.

[BaileyB]

I have to make it clear this was a scam, there was no 16 year old girl nor a female at all. They used pics from the net to try and scam money from him. His actions as far as willingly sending a nude pic and lying to me is what the issue is about.

 

With all due respect, does it really matter? His intent was clear...

[whichwayisup]

I have to make it clear this was a scam, there was no 16 year old girl nor a female at all. They used pics from the net to try and scam money from him. His actions as far as willingly sending a nude pic and lying to me is what the issue is about.

 

He doesn't see the issue himself I guess. And that is, he promised no more and he still did it, yet made himself into a victim.

 

If you choose to give him another chance he has to go to therapy, possibly a therapist who specializes in sexual addiction. He does have a problem here, it's obvious he just can't stop this habit.

[Popsicle]

Sounds like you have an Anthony Weiner on your hands. Divorce him like Huma did.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thank you, I know it will help to reach out to social services and to legal aid and see if I can get any help.

 

I spent a number of years working with and advocating on behalf of domestic violence victims. I know your situation isn't a domestic violence issue but your predicament in terms of providing for yourself and your children is very similar to those who I've worked with.

 

I can't stress enough that where there is a will there is a way. There are countless agencies and services in place to assist women like you. Seeing as how your taxes go to fund so many of these programs and services, you owe it to yourself to at least seek them out and ask the questions if only to know your options.

 

Speaking to your husband's betrayal, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Sincerely. But you need to know that this scare he received isn't going to be enough to keep him straight and narrow for long. It's very temporary. If you choose to stay with him, you need to be prepared to live out your years with someone who will continue to seek thrills online in whatever ways he now feels are 'safe' yet still exciting and meets whatever needs he trying to have met.

 

Please please don't be fooled by him into thinking this has cured him.

 

Sometimes I think a physical affair is much easier to deal with and get over than something online. As I've said a many times before, the anonymity of online makes monsters of so many. It doesn't help that online is 24/7 and obscenely accessible with plenty of eager and willing playmates just a click away. It's a rabbit hole and one that is almost impossible to escape without some serious life changes and/or therapy.

 

Tread carefully. And do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

Good luck.

[LostNtrapped]

There is a chance that this did scare him enough. Extortion websites use peoples pics from CL and other websites all the time to get money from people. It's impossible to get the pic/image off the Internet without paying sometimes thousands of dollars to the extortionist. This actually happened to a guy I know. His girlfriend got upset at him because he hurt her so she posted his pic and about what he had done (he cheated on her) on the internet. She didn't know it was an extortion website and when she tried removing the information the same day, the website wouldn't allow it until $2500 was paid to them. Police and attorneys aren't able to do much once it's on a website as the Internet isn't considered a regulated business. Usually the people who collect pics from places like Craigslist are not able to be tracked. They will sell your pics to other websites also to use against you.

Has he shown you the information they are threatening to use? You may want to do a Google search of his name and any images also in the event he shared his real name and the extortionist may have already made links of his pic /name.

Extortionist have destroyed many relationships and families because of what they do to destroy reputations.

 

What is most concerning about your situation is there are undercover police who also put themselves on craigslist and other back pages to lure in anyone interested in minors and even if he doesn't meet up with them but the intentions are seemingly there based on his responses to the ad, etc., he can be prosecuted based on intentions. We have stings in our area all the time and have known of cases that go to court just from those ads that the police put out there. You don't have to meet up to get in trouble... intent is also illegal and the extortionist know this.

 

They were trying to scam him by saying she was 16 after the fact and that they had the conversations. What bothers me most is the lying. Time and again he lies to me, begs to keep our family together yet eventually does it again.

[LostNtrapped]

He doesn't see the issue himself I guess. And that is, he promised no more and he still did it, yet made himself into a victim.

 

If you choose to give him another chance he has to go to therapy, possibly a therapist who specializes in sexual addiction. He does have a problem here, it's obvious he just can't stop this habit.

 

This isn't even a case of him having a sex addiction, he doesn't. He just has this habit of when he is overwhelmed and stressed he finds females to talk to you and eventually sext. What hurts me the most is the lying to me. He has time and again lied to me about this and then begs to keep our family together. I'm tired of being lied to.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't even a case of him having a sex addiction, he doesn't. He just has this habit of when he is overwhelmed and stressed he finds females to talk to you and eventually sext. What hurts me the most is the lying to me. He has time and again lied to me about this and then begs to keep our family together. I'm tired of being lied to.

 

So what are you going to do about it?

 

People don't change unless they have to or forced to. As long as you keep forgiving him and allowing this behavior to continue the more unhappy you're going be and also any bit of trust you may have left for him will disappear if he does this again.

[LostNtrapped]

So what are you going to do about it?

 

People don't change unless they have to or forced to. As long as you keep forgiving him and allowing this behavior to continue the more unhappy you're going be and also any bit of trust you may have left for him will disappear if he does this again.

 

I want a divorce, and to move out. It will take some time though, that is what stinks.