Getting Over Family's "Disappointment" in Our Wedding

[pashmina]

Hi there,

 

I'm feeling really lost and angry, and I am in need of help to get over this stupid issue.

 

I got married in April to a wonderful man. The wedding was great, everyone had fun. But (there's always a but) days after the wedding I received a "feedback" from my uncle (my mum's younger brother) and his wife, and how "disappointed and angry" they are in me. And I'm still struggling to get over these words, and even now, I can't even look at wedding pictures without feeling rage at them.

 

For some context, I come from a big Italian family - and we were expected to have a traditional Catholic wedding, inviting all family, no matter how distant or vague a connection. But my now husband and I just wanted a smaller wedding. My parents were very supportive of this, even though they were helping out with paying for the wedding. So there were some compromises about who to invite, but in the end, it all ended up ok. We even talked to my very traditional grandmother about all this as we planned our guest list, and I assumed we had come to some sort of agreement.

 

Apparently not.

 

I noticed on the day of the wedding, my aunt and uncle were acting weird. I didn't say anything at the time (because, you know, it was my wedding day) but I sent a text the next day saying "hey, noticed you guys seemed a bit distracted, hope everything is ok."

 

This is when I receive a text from my aunt saying how "disappointed and angry" they are, and if I ever want to make amends, I would call them up immediately. So I did. And promptly heard about all the things we did wrong with our wedding.

 

According to him:

 

- we didn't invite some distant relatives. According to my uncle, this isn't "proper"and he was having to do some "damage control"within our family circles. (mind you, I haven't seen this distant relative in YEARS, my husband hasn't even met this person, and my parents, who were helping to pay for the wedding, didn't want to invite this person).

- my cousins weren't mentioned in the ceremony booklet as ushers. This was a error on my behalf, I admit. It was a simple matter of not properly proof reading the booklet before getting it printed. (I'm an idiot). But according to my aunt, my cousins were deeply upset by this omission (for the record, my cousins are 14 and 16 and did not seem upset at all on the night - they were dancing more than me!)

- I forgot to thank one of my cousins in my speech (this was due to nerves!)

- we had "hurt" my grandmother by not inviting certain people. EVEN THOUGH WE BLOODY WELL ASKED HER BEFOREHAND ABOUT WHO TO INVITE. When I pointed this out to my Uncle, he was dismissive, and kept saying "well thats not what I heard."

 

It was really, really hard to hear all this. Especially from my aunt and uncle, whom I've known for at least 20 years. Even more especially to have them being so critical ABOUT MY WEDDING DAY. I should have been more strong, but in interests of keeping the peace, I apologised to him and my aunt.

 

Now my cousins (whom I assumed were too young to be involved in this family drama) decided to have their say as well, and are taking to social media to say how they were "stabbed in the back." And this was just a week ago! So much for my apology. I've known these girls since they were in nappies. So it's like an extra kick in the guts to see them say these words.

 

But now I'm kicking myself for apologising so easily. It was our wedding day. My parents helped pay, not him, so him and his aunt have absolutely no say in who we should have invited. What gives him the right so act like such an arrogant self-important jerk??? Clearly I'm still seething. I haven't seen them face to face (thanks to geography). My parents are extremely mad at them as well (my dad in particular) but again, they haven't spoken since this all happened. Yay for unhealthy communication!

 

Part of me wants them to be reprimanded for being such f***ing jerks about my wedding day. An other part of me wants them to apologise to me (but my uncle has his head so far up his arse, I doubt that's ever going to happen). Funnily enough, my grandmother is the most upset about all this (and so she should be, for going behind my back, and complaining how we didn't invite some distant relative) and wants the family together again. But I don't know how I can face them after their comments.

 

Husband has been very supportive during all this, but he is also hurt by their words.

 

I just don't know how to move on from them. My grandmother so desperately wants the family "back together again" even though it was her lies that started this whole drama.

Edited July 2, 2017 by pashmina

[basil67]

I have no advice. But I just want to give you a big hug and reassurance that you've done nothing wrong here.

[angel.eyes]

Congrats on getting married!

 

Look, it's your wedding day. Besides you and your now husband,

the only people with any say about who gets invited are the people paying the bills. It sounds like that was your parents.

 

Invitation lists are always a landmine. I remember a male friend of mine complaining that he wasn't getting to invite his friends and that he had been limited to ten invites (including his parents and siblings) to his own wedding--a 400-person lavish affair. I asked him, who was paying the bills. The bride's parents, of course. To which I responded that she and her parents then had final say. (Frankly, I don't think he cared...He just didn't want all his friends feeling slighted because he invited his boss, his boss' boss and another senior person important to his career over his friends.)

 

Your uncle, grandmother, and aunt are completely out of line and just outright crass to be critiquing your invitation list, printed programs, and whatever else they criticized behind your back. As you mature a little bit more, you'll learn that you'll never please everyone, especially passive-aggressive people who say one thing to your face, then go behind your back complaining about you. You'll learn to stop engaging these people in their antics or apologizing because someone who has no right to be upset, like your uncle or aunt, is upset. If your uncle wants your 18th cousin 15 times removed flown in from the old country to celebrate wedding vows of a distant cousin they almost never see, then they can hold their second wedding ceremony/ rededication of their own vows and invite all one thousand people that they felt should have been in attendance, list the names of any human who even breathed in the planning of their rededication ceremony, etc.

 

But I don't know how I can face them after their comments.

 

Husband has been very supportive during all this, but he is also hurt by their words. .

Well that certainly solves one dilemma this year! ...Where to spend the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Go to his parents and enjoy yourself in a drama-free environment. When your grandmother invites you over, just explain that you just can't face all the anger and criticism from relatives over your wedding. You want a relaxing and peaceful environment to unwind with your spouse.

 

Opt out of their drama and dysfunction.

[BaileyB]

It's your wedding day. Your aunt and uncle have a right to their opinion, they certainly did not have the right to share it with you. To do so, was rude and disrespectful. Take the high road and out of the drama. They will get over it... Hugs to you.

[d0nnivain]

Weddings are ghastly expensive.

 

Next jerk who bugs you about your wedding tell him/her to jump in a lake. You had the wedding you wanted if they didn't like it they were free to not attend. They also could have offered you money to pay for this extravaganza they wanted but since they didn't, they have no right to complain & are now required to shut up.

[ChatroomHero]

With things like this, I am pretty straightforward when someone pulls bs like that, family or friends. Anything else never gets resolved and prolongs the suffering.

 

 

Frankly I would tell them that the day was my party, not paid for by them, and about me and not about distant family, friends of my grandmother, friends of my uncle...I would tell your uncle if he wants to drop $50,000 for another party to celebrate your wedding he can invite everyone he wants to, and you will give him a list of a bunch of strangers for him to invite to the party he is throwing and I am sure he will be happy to pay for a nice dinner for your ex-co-worker's cousin's husband and the like.

 

 

Trying to walk the tight rope and 'keep the peace' does not usually work with people like that. You can apologize and beg for forgiveness but you know it will never be forgotten with someone like that.

 

 

First, with your cousins, ask them how exactly they were stabbed in the back, ask them to explain how not inviting someone you haven't seen in forever affects them in any way. Conclude with the fact is does not affect them and is in fact none of their business or concer and they need to keep their mouths shut. Posting 'scathing' comments on facebook is the action of a child and they should grow up.

 

 

Apologize for the omission of the ushers as it was an honest error and offer to write their names on a booklet, frame it, and send it to your uncle so he can hang it over his bed because apparently it is that important. Tell him if he is not going to hang it above his bed, then he can just get over it like a man.

 

 

Tell your grandmother she needs to tell the uncle she misled him and he needs to ask your forgiveness for his reaction based on her lie. That part is on her, trying to keep the family together without her being honest is just her making the resolution more difficult and a cowards way out. If she does not want to step up and be 100% honest, tell her you have no desire to be around your uncle and the fraction in the family is due to her dishonesty and only she can fix it.

 

 

It's just my opinion and I am sure people will disagree, but I have never seen an issue like that resolved (outside of the next 30 years you just always eat crow at every family gathering to keep the peace and deal with countless attacks and comments about you at parties and behind your back), unless someone comes out and forcefully states, "here is the resolution, deal with it or get out of my way". I just find disagreements with strong, often wrong, overbearing personalities the best way to deal with them is to give them a verbal spanking that will sting them. Give them a 'you're wrong, you will always be wrong about that, apologize and I will forgive you, otherwise you will always be wrong until the end of time...and the best part is everyone involved knows I am right' attitude.

[Whodatdog]

Yep, what everyone else said. If your relatives want to pay for the wedding, they can decide who to invite. But they didnt, so they dont get to. Period. It actually sounds like they are trying to make it a way bigger deal than it even was. Sounds like they are nothing but big drama queens.

 

Dont let them ruin a perfectly good day for you.

Edited July 3, 2017 by Whodatdog

[BettyDraper]

Weddings often bring out the worst in people because of how important that event is.

Your uncle and cousins are being ridiculous. They didn't pay for any portion of your wedding so they shouldn't be complaining. I also think it was ridiculous and immature for your cousins to post about this matter on social media. Family conflicts do not need to announced to the world.

 

My husband and I eloped because our mothers were both trying to make our wedding about their fantasies. They didn't care what we wanted either. It became unbearable to plan our dream intimate wedding when our moms were trying to bully us into having a large formal event. There was certainly some hurt feelings over the elopement; my BIL said that my husband was selfish for even bringing up a private ceremony. At least everyone learned not to interfere.

 

Congratulations on your new marriage. May you have many more years together. Stick with family members who aren't dramatic and presumptuous.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Weddings often bring out the worst in people because of how important that event is.

Your uncle and cousins are being ridiculous. They didn't pay for any portion of your wedding so they shouldn't be complaining. I also think it was ridiculous and immature for your cousins to post about this matter on social media. Family conflicts do not need to announced to the world.

 

My husband and I eloped because our mothers were both trying to make our wedding about their fantasies. They didn't care what we wanted either. It became unbearable to plan our dream intimate wedding when our moms were trying to bully us into having a large formal event. There was certainly some hurt feelings over the elopement; my BIL said that my husband was selfish for even bringing up a private ceremony. At least everyone learned not to interfere.

 

Congratulations on your new marriage. May you have many more years together. Stick with family members who aren't dramatic and presumptuous.

 

My guess is they had no clue they were "mad" until they heard it from their parents! A shame.

 

Congrats on your wedding. I hope your aunt and uncle can get over their childish behavior and your relationship with your grandmother is not negatively affected.

 

@BettyDraper, I love your name .

[pashmina]

Congrats on getting married!

 

Look, it's your wedding day. Besides you and your now husband,

the only people with any say about who gets invited are the people paying the bills. It sounds like that was your parents.

 

Invitation lists are always a landmine. I remember a male friend of mine complaining that he wasn't getting to invite his friends and that he had been limited to ten invites (including his parents and siblings) to his own wedding--a 400-person lavish affair. I asked him, who was paying the bills. The bride's parents, of course. To which I responded that she and her parents then had final say. (Frankly, I don't think he cared...He just didn't want all his friends feeling slighted because he invited his boss, his boss' boss and another senior person important to his career over his friends.)

 

Your uncle, grandmother, and aunt are completely out of line and just outright crass to be critiquing your invitation list, printed programs, and whatever else they criticized behind your back. As you mature a little bit more, you'll learn that you'll never please everyone, especially passive-aggressive people who say one thing to your face, then go behind your back complaining about you. You'll learn to stop engaging these people in their antics or apologizing because someone who has no right to be upset, like your uncle or aunt, is upset. If your uncle wants your 18th cousin 15 times removed flown in from the old country to celebrate wedding vows of a distant cousin they almost never see, then they can hold their second wedding ceremony/ rededication of their own vows and invite all one thousand people that they felt should have been in attendance, list the names of any human who even breathed in the planning of their rededication ceremony, etc.

 

 

Well that certainly solves one dilemma this year! ...Where to spend the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Go to his parents and enjoy yourself in a drama-free environment. When your grandmother invites you over, just explain that you just can't face all the anger and criticism from relatives over your wedding. You want a relaxing and peaceful environment to unwind with your spouse.

 

Opt out of their drama and dysfunction.

 

Thank you so much angel.eyes! I keep rereading your post, it really helped me, and helped to see the situation clearly. It's a shame your friend invited his work colleagues over friends, but I guess that was his decision! And yes, I completely agree with you regarding pleasing everyone. I have always had this problem of wanting to please everyone - it's only now (at the age of 30!) I'm beginning to see how true this is.

 

I will be definitely avoiding any future drama with these jerks!

[pashmina]

With things like this, I am pretty straightforward when someone pulls bs like that, family or friends. Anything else never gets resolved and prolongs the suffering.

 

 

Frankly I would tell them that the day was my party, not paid for by them, and about me and not about distant family, friends of my grandmother, friends of my uncle...I would tell your uncle if he wants to drop $50,000 for another party to celebrate your wedding he can invite everyone he wants to, and you will give him a list of a bunch of strangers for him to invite to the party he is throwing and I am sure he will be happy to pay for a nice dinner for your ex-co-worker's cousin's husband and the like.

 

 

Trying to walk the tight rope and 'keep the peace' does not usually work with people like that. You can apologize and beg for forgiveness but you know it will never be forgotten with someone like that.

 

 

First, with your cousins, ask them how exactly they were stabbed in the back, ask them to explain how not inviting someone you haven't seen in forever affects them in any way. Conclude with the fact is does not affect them and is in fact none of their business or concer and they need to keep their mouths shut. Posting 'scathing' comments on facebook is the action of a child and they should grow up.

 

 

Apologize for the omission of the ushers as it was an honest error and offer to write their names on a booklet, frame it, and send it to your uncle so he can hang it over his bed because apparently it is that important. Tell him if he is not going to hang it above his bed, then he can just get over it like a man.

 

 

Tell your grandmother she needs to tell the uncle she misled him and he needs to ask your forgiveness for his reaction based on her lie. That part is on her, trying to keep the family together without her being honest is just her making the resolution more difficult and a cowards way out. If she does not want to step up and be 100% honest, tell her you have no desire to be around your uncle and the fraction in the family is due to her dishonesty and only she can fix it.

 

 

It's just my opinion and I am sure people will disagree, but I have never seen an issue like that resolved (outside of the next 30 years you just always eat crow at every family gathering to keep the peace and deal with countless attacks and comments about you at parties and behind your back), unless someone comes out and forcefully states, "here is the resolution, deal with it or get out of my way". I just find disagreements with strong, often wrong, overbearing personalities the best way to deal with them is to give them a verbal spanking that will sting them. Give them a 'you're wrong, you will always be wrong about that, apologize and I will forgive you, otherwise you will always be wrong until the end of time...and the best part is everyone involved knows I am right' attitude.

 

Thank you ChatroomHero! I actually completely agree with you. I wish I saw this before I bent over backwards to apologise to them! Again, I'm a serial people pleaser. But if this experience has taught me anything, its that I need to develop better ways of coping with this, especially when people are nasty! And yes, I think you hit the nail on the head - these people are petty, and will probably never move on from this. I agree my grandmother has some explaining to do - this mess is all on her! (well, also partly on my uncle and aunt for being petty, self-important jerks).

 

I have to see them next year for my sisters wedding in Australia - and if anything comes up, I will be using your words to speak to my uncle. Maybe I should give him an updated version of the ceremony booklet to him for him as a gift?

[pashmina]

Weddings often bring out the worst in people because of how important that event is.

Your uncle and cousins are being ridiculous. They didn't pay for any portion of your wedding so they shouldn't be complaining. I also think it was ridiculous and immature for your cousins to post about this matter on social media. Family conflicts do not need to announced to the world.

 

My husband and I eloped because our mothers were both trying to make our wedding about their fantasies. They didn't care what we wanted either. It became unbearable to plan our dream intimate wedding when our moms were trying to bully us into having a large formal event. There was certainly some hurt feelings over the elopement; my BIL said that my husband was selfish for even bringing up a private ceremony. At least everyone learned not to interfere.

 

Congratulations on your new marriage. May you have many more years together. Stick with family members who aren't dramatic and presumptuous.

 

Thank you for your post, Betty Draper (and for your wishes!) Agree completely with your statement about my cousins. It's particularly ridiculous after my uncle was going on and on about protecting the family name, yet his own daughters are posting nasty stuff on social media! Go figure

 

I admire you and your husband for eloping! It's something we considered during the wedding planning process, to be honest - even with my parent's contributions, wedding are damn expensive! But it did end up being a lovely day. I don't think your husband is selfish at all - weddings are after all about two people celebrating their love!

 

When we move back home, I do plan to avoid contact with this side of the family. I can only imagine how "disappointed" my aunt and uncle will be - but after the way they carried on, I don't give a rats arse anymore. I don't have time for this pettiness in my life.

[pashmina]

We just received our wedding photos, and we have photographic evidence of the pettiness of these people! In every single photo of them, my aunt and uncle looked like they just swallowed a lemon! I get people aren't going to be smiling the whole time during a wedding, but there is not one photo of them smiling.

 

Sigh. It really does reflect badly on them at the end of the day.

 

Thank you again for all your comments, and words of wisdom. It really has helped me

[angel.eyes]

I have to see them next year for my sisters wedding in Australia - and if anything comes up, I will be using your words to speak to my uncle. Maybe I should give him an updated version of the ceremony booklet to him for him as a gift?

 

I wouldn't bother updating the ceremony book and presenting it to your rude uncle. It will simply encourage him to behave in a similar manner when something else in the future doesn't meet with his approval. Don't reward bad behavior unless you like constant headaches.

 

Besides, the only person who saves the wedding program, menu, invite, cake, dress, etc. is the bride...and maybe her mother. That's why your teenage cousins' melodramatic posts about being stabbed in the back :rolleyes:after the event are so rich! They were so busy dancing and having a good time during the event that I highly doubt they read the program during the wedding itself. No 14-year old treasures someone else's wedding program so much that they're going to haul that stuff home to read over and over again. Their parents were whinging about the omission during the car ride home, and they in turn decided to get "upset."

 

I'm sure the venue was littered with programs after your wedding. And if the program made it back home with any of the attendees, was in that week's trash. The exception might be your uncle, who was busily taking notes in his to berate you afterwards. His copy hit the trash after that.

[pashmina]

I wouldn't bother updating the ceremony book and presenting it to your rude uncle. It will simply encourage him to behave in a similar manner when something else in the future doesn't meet with his approval. Don't reward bad behavior unless you like constant headaches.

 

Besides, the only person who saves the wedding program, menu, invite, cake, dress, etc. is the bride...and maybe her mother. That's why your teenage cousins' melodramatic posts about being stabbed in the back :rolleyes:after the event are so rich! They were so busy dancing and having a good time during the event that I highly doubt they read the program during the wedding itself. No 14-year old treasures someone else's wedding program so much that they're going to haul that stuff home to read over and over again. Their parents were whinging about the omission during the car ride home, and they in turn decided to get "upset."

 

I'm sure the venue was littered with programs after your wedding. And if the program made it back home with any of the attendees, was in that week's trash. The exception might be your uncle, who was busily taking notes in his to berate you afterwards. His copy hit the trash after that.

 

Oh, gosh, I would never actually do that in real life! It was tongue in cheek

 

But I agree with your post, (and you are exactly right - my mum and I both have kept copies of the 'wrong' booklet - I'm sure it's already been long discarded by all the other guests!) my cousins were clearly following their parents whinging.

[whatnot]

The only time my family sees each other is when one dies.

 

For us...funerals are a family re-union of sorts... (minus one, of course)

[whatnot]

that may be due to the fact that we don't let anyone tell us how to live our lives.

 

I'm sorry you cannot enjoy your wedding pictures. Such a waste...

[ChatroomHero]

We just received our wedding photos, and we have photographic evidence of the pettiness of these people! In every single photo of them, my aunt and uncle looked like they just swallowed a lemon! I get people aren't going to be smiling the whole time during a wedding, but there is not one photo of them smiling.

 

Sigh. It really does reflect badly on them at the end of the day.

 

Thank you again for all your comments, and words of wisdom. It really has helped me

 

 

It makes me wonder, when petty people like that blow up at a big event it is sometimes an excuse to blow up rather than the reason. Did they maybe have an axe to grind over something from before and your wedding was just the big family gathering venue they needed to start the drama?

 

 

If so, I imagine your sister's wedding will be more of the same, a venue to grandstand.