Want Second Date with Ex; Unsure What This Means

[SayAnything]

Hi, everyone.

 

I've read this forum for a long time, but never posted before. I will try and be brief! Thanks for your patience.

 

Background

 

A year ago, I broke up with the love of my life. Not because I wanted to - we'd been together for five years and through a lot of difficult times, including a previous breakup - but because he couldn't commit to moving forward with me. As long as we'd been together, we unfortunately jumped into things very quickly after his divorce from his first wife (they married VERY young), and never really had time to himself.

 

I also got married young, so I understood his need for time alone and to heal himself. It was a tough decision and he kept contacting me after the breakup, so I went full NC. Fast forward to this spring, and I finally went back on social media/unblocked him, etc. I honestly didn't think I'd hear from him again as it had been almost a year since we'd broken up.

 

Well, I was shocked when he started contacting me right away - an hour after my first post! At first, it was just likes and comments on my photos; then, a month later, he sent me a very nice gift for my birthday and the sweetest card, saying he missed me and thought of me every day. So...why wasn't he asking me out? I waited, but nothing came. Then, a mutual friend told me why: he was apparently back with his ex-wife. Yes, they had gotten right back together after we broke up. I was heartbroken.

 

So, I wrote him and told him I knew he was with her, and I was going to re-block him and he needed to stop all contact. I didn't expect a reply, but was running late to work so I didn't block him right away. He wrote me a long message back, saying he still loved me and it's not what I thought with his ex. He didn't explain, just asked me to please see him for coffee and he'd explain everything in person? It seemed weird to me and I worried I was doing something bad by seeing him if he was with her, but curiosity got the better of me and I agreed.

 

Why I Need Advice!

 

So we went to coffee yesterday - but it turned into a 12-hour "date"! It was totally unexpected and I'm still in shock. He told me about his ex: he said that she had to have major surgery, so she contacted him after we broke up and asked him to please help her through it as they were both now single (i know...sounds weird to me, too). Since his lease was up, she offered that he move into her mother-in-law on her property, which he did. He admitted that he thought about getting back with her, as he was super depressed over losing me and figured, "what the heck? I don't believe in love anymore..." But he didn't love her as more than a friend, so he couldn't see her that way anymore. Her surgery went well and now she's apparently dating someone else, charging my ex super low rent and letting him stay there until he finds a place. It just seems...weird to me, but it was SO good seeing him and we laughed and talked like old times. Our chemistry was still there and he kissed me many times. He said he thinks of me constantly and still loves me.

 

I only got upset once, when he told me about their living situation. i said, how are you ever going to move on if you guys are so involved with each other still? How could I come to your house? He seemed to take this pretty seriously. He has let himself go a lot; I still think he's gorgeous but he has definitely changed, his hair's a mess, he's not dressing like he used to. He said he's been super miserable at work, too.

 

So when we said goodbye, I didn't tell him I wanted to see him again but I thought it was obvious. Later, I thanked him for a wonderful day, saying I still had feelings for him and all he said was, "I had fun, too! Have a good night!"

 

Huh?? Why did he suddenly say something so distant...I hoped he would at least say "let's do it again"? Or send a kiss or an emoji...but nope. And nothing since then (it's 24 hours later). Should I be worried?

 

Also, should I wait a few days and then reach out? I'm not sure he knows I want to see him again - although that should've been pretty obvious from my actions. Of course, before I knew the full story I told him I didn't want to see him except this one day. If what he told me is true, then of course that changes everything. I'd still like to start seeing him again, slowly.

 

What do you think I should do? Thanks in advance for your advice!

[kortz]

It sounds like a pretty messy situation and I certainly don't think you should be running after him at all. Let him to come you if its something he really wants. Also I'd say that before you even consider getting back with him that he needs to sort himself out and sort out the situation with his ex as that all just sounds like a load of baggage that will cause problems in any other relationship.

[SayAnything]

Thanks for reading and giving me some advice. It feels good to get it out there and hear that it's messy - so it's not just me. I haven't even told my friends (except for one) because they all assume that he is back with her and I don't even want to get into the truth because it's even weirder than the fiction. I think that the reason he isn't pursuing me is because he knows how messy it is, I told him that I don't like the situation and he knows he needs to clear it up before we can have anything. It's tough because I still love him in spite of it all. Thanks again for your two cents

[dumbass2]

I'd stay away from this for a long while. If he wants to straighten things up it might take awhile. Move forward and if he contacts you way down the road then maybe things cleared up but anything soon is not feasible.

[SayAnything]

Thanks. Yeah, I think it's what he's thinking also. He knows it's a mess and he said two times that he honestly never thought he'd see me again, so he was planning as if it was the case. I guess he thought I hated him and he was very angry at me for leaving for a while. Still, 9 months since we've seen each other and it was like no time had passed - we were hugging nonstop, he kissed me pretty quickly and it felt so natural and our chemistry was super strong. I was so attracted to him even though he's totally changed and let himself go...it didn't even matter. We just kept saying how we couldn't believe we were seeing each other again and how great it felt.

 

He did get quiet on the drive home and I got the sense he had a lot of thinking to do. I'm pretty positive he made a lot of the choices he made out of hurt and loneliness, kind of like "eff love" and "I may as well do this since she's gone and what have I got to lose." Unfortunately, his ex seems to have him in her pocket - he lives on her property and he takes care of the house for her while she dates other random guys... He also seemed a bit bothered by this and I told him that it's totally unhealthy and he needs boundaries with her - I don't see my ex and his new wife, nor do I want to! That would make me feel weird and uncomfortable.

 

Thanks for your reply. It's helping me decide. Still, Saturday was so intense for us both and I just wish I knew why he backed off after.

[SpecialJ]

There was a reason he couldn't commit before. Now, putting aside the living situation, he has let himself go. It sounds like from those two facts, no matter how he feels about you, he may have some depression or other personal issues keeping him from committing. You're the one who chose the timing on this -- he misses you, but you chose when to unblock him and he jumped on it. So while he clearly misses you, he may know he's not yet any more ready than he was before and so can't start anything up again with you... because he shouldn't want to unless he's sure it's not going to end up the same way (him not being ready to marry you).

 

Is there any way you can tread lightly with low contact and no expectations? Gauge how quickly he's actually going to change his living situation and see if he starts prioritizing taking care of himself again. If those things happen sufficiently, then broach if there can be more. I'd tread lightly until then, though, because I really don't think he's ready quite yet.

[SayAnything]

There was a reason he couldn't commit before. Now, putting aside the living situation, he has let himself go. It sounds like from those two facts, no matter how he feels about you, he may have some depression or other personal issues keeping him from committing. You're the one who chose the timing on this -- he misses you, but you chose when to unblock him and he jumped on it. So while he clearly misses you, he may know he's not yet any more ready than he was before and so can't start anything up again with you... because he shouldn't want to unless he's sure it's not going to end up the same way (him not being ready to marry you).

 

Is there any way you can tread lightly with low contact and no expectations? Gauge how quickly he's actually going to change his living situation and see if he starts prioritizing taking care of himself again. If those things happen sufficiently, then broach if there can be more. I'd tread lightly until then, though, because I really don't think he's ready quite yet.

 

First of all, thank you so much for this. It's the reason I come on LS, and the advice on here has always helped me, even if I haven't posted until now. You guys are the best.

 

Yes, you are right about him being depressed. That was my first thought also when I snooped and saw a photo of him on his cousin's IG page a couple of months ago: "wow, he must really be in a bad place." Again, I still think he's gorgeous and it didn't stop me from being super attracted to him when I saw him - but still, it's an external sign that all isn't well. And he kept mentioning it to me, like, "I'm so sorry I've let myself go." It made me sad.

 

Also, he told me work is going really badly. He works for a German company and they are trying to move operations back to Europe. He's got a very good job and makes good money, but I haven't seen him this stressed in a long time. He said he wasn't sure he'd have a job going into this week...so yeah, that must add to it.

 

The living situation is what kills me. They were high school sweethearts and she's always wanted him back, so I wasn't even surprised when I heard. But I believe him that he doesn't love her in that way; I just don't know if she knows that. My instinct is that she's trying to get back together and this is her twisted way of doing it...anyway, so he's stuck there as well because he lives with her more or less.

 

I will try and go low contact. That's good advice. Honestly, he hasn't written me a thing since Saturday which worries me. We were drinking and I wonder, did I say something harsh? I've done that before. Maybe something like, "Don't ever contact me until she's out of your life!" I don't think I was drunk enough to forget something like that, but I guess it's in my mind that maybe that's why he's not contacting me.

 

Either way, I'll try my best not to hope for anything for the time being. He talked a lot about goals, but none of them seemed concrete. The thing that kept coming up was that he seriously believed he'd never see me again, and seemed shocked that I was sitting there in front of him. I definitely felt the same way. You're right that I initiated it, but he did send me a huge gift out of the blue - very romantic - or else I wouldn't have reached out to him at all.

 

Thanks again for this!

[SpecialJ]

Right, I'm hoping for you that seeing you is going to get him kick started on making some good changes. But it could still go either way, depending on how severe his issues are, and you can't really know for at least a couple of months.

 

I also doubt you said anything that is causing his silence. I think it's more likely he is processing and somewhat ashamed of his life stage, rather than it having to do with anything you did or with his ex. You'll probably find out for sure which it is in time. I also think it's good to give him space to work it out on his own... I fully believe in supportive partnerships, but you being there for him the 5 years prior didn't get his butt in gear, so now it's up to him to prove himself to you. And a great first step to do that, of course, would be moving out!

 

I hope that is helpful... good luck!

[SayAnything]

Right, I'm hoping for you that seeing you is going to get him kick started on making some good changes. But it could still go either way, depending on how severe his issues are, and you can't really know for at least a couple of months.

 

I also doubt you said anything that is causing his silence. I think it's more likely he is processing and somewhat ashamed of his life stage, rather than it having to do with anything you did or with his ex. You'll probably find out for sure which it is in time. I also think it's good to give him space to work it out on his own... I fully believe in supportive partnerships, but you being there for him the 5 years prior didn't get his butt in gear, so now it's up to him to prove himself to you. And a great first step to do that, of course, would be moving out!

 

I hope that is helpful... good luck!

 

Thanks, this is super helpful! You are right, I gave so much effort for those years and I have to trust in him that he will work it out - however that ends up. True love is unselfish, and you should want the best for your partner, even if it means you don't end up with them. Of course I feel this way, but of course I also truly hope he ends up with me. He's clearly taken a big step backwards. He seemed kind of angry at me still for leaving, so I don't think he's even processed things fully.

 

Sadly, he said he can't move out until he's put aside enough money to get his own place. That's his own goal and even if it's kind of unhealthy for him to be there, I'm also in a temporary living situation until I can buy a condo, so I can't really judge (I'm living with my sister). We are both in transition, I guess. It's just too bad we can't be doing this together...

 

And one more thing, he did say at the end of our day, "Okay, I'm going to get myself back into shape! It's time!" Not sure if it will really happen that he'll get himself together, but yeah, like you say I can only hope.

 

Thanks again for your kind words and support. It means a lot. My family of course thinks I should just find a nice man and settle down already, and my friends are mostly happily married or dating nonstop (but haven't found true love), so it's hard to talk to anyone about this.

[SpecialJ]

Hm, if you don't have many people to discuss this with and you're not getting many other experiences and how they turned out to compare it to, I'll try to share a couple things I've been through that I think are relevant.

 

I've had back and forth experience with a couple people like this, who I felt really connected to and who I never tried to change but who I really, really hoped could grow up once it seemed like maybe they were just stringing me along. One, who was in his mid 30s at the time, never changed. He hated to be alone so was never single but actions and choices showed he didn't want real commitment. He eventually found a woman who provides for him (she owns a house and moved him in, has a better job and benefits than he does) and then they "accidentally" got pregnant. They have a kid now, but he still won't marry her. So while he eventually got serious with someone, and has at least stepped up to find better jobs than he had before to provide somewhat, he literally just fell into it and has never once gushed to me how he finally found the right person (though who knows what he says to her). I actually was sad that it seemed like he never changed and was continuing to wander through life being critical without taking full responsibility for anything.

 

Another, I realized never fully commit because he has mental issues he was hiding that I don't think he understands the extent of which is going to make them hard to overcome.

 

So objectively what I'm trying to say is, sometimes a relationship not working really isn't being driven by you, which also means you can't do anything about it except recognize when it may never change and when it's healthier for you to walk away. Which is probably why your family is more interested in you meeting someone more stable to settle down with. Maybe in the low contact time with your ex, you can use it to really think about what you want in life (and in a partner, long term, bad times too) and what you like about him and sort of see if, first, your rational thoughts and emotions actually line up. If they do, then figure out how long you're willing to wait and see if he gets his life together and what he'd need to do to prove it to you (and to show you it's more than a temporarily bandaid change).

 

Really considering the rational thoughts vs. emotions thing has helped guide me in a healthy way with my most recent ex, the mentally troubled one. It still took me forever to not be upset emotionally, but I've known the entire time that he was disrespectful to me during and after the breakup, and so I could override my emotions and think this guy is toxic... which led me to effectively stay in an active period of no contact long enough to really heal (ie I really wanted to move on and wasn't just waiting him out).

[SayAnything]

Hm, if you don't have many people to discuss this with and you're not getting many other experiences and how they turned out to compare it to, I'll try to share a couple things I've been through that I think are relevant.

 

I've had back and forth experience with a couple people like this, who I felt really connected to and who I never tried to change but who I really, really hoped could grow up once it seemed like maybe they were just stringing me along. One, who was in his mid 30s at the time, never changed. He hated to be alone so was never single but actions and choices showed he didn't want real commitment. He eventually found a woman who provides for him (she owns a house and moved him in, has a better job and benefits than he does) and then they "accidentally" got pregnant. They have a kid now, but he still won't marry her. So while he eventually got serious with someone, and has at least stepped up to find better jobs than he had before to provide somewhat, he literally just fell into it and has never once gushed to me how he finally found the right person (though who knows what he says to her). I actually was sad that it seemed like he never changed and was continuing to wander through life being critical without taking full responsibility for anything.

 

Another, I realized never fully commit because he has mental issues he was hiding that I don't think he understands the extent of which is going to make them hard to overcome.

 

So objectively what I'm trying to say is, sometimes a relationship not working really isn't being driven by you, which also means you can't do anything about it except recognize when it may never change and when it's healthier for you to walk away. Which is probably why your family is more interested in you meeting someone more stable to settle down with. Maybe in the low contact time with your ex, you can use it to really think about what you want in life (and in a partner, long term, bad times too) and what you like about him and sort of see if, first, your rational thoughts and emotions actually line up. If they do, then figure out how long you're willing to wait and see if he gets his life together and what he'd need to do to prove it to you (and to show you it's more than a temporarily bandaid change).

 

Really considering the rational thoughts vs. emotions thing has helped guide me in a healthy way with my most recent ex, the mentally troubled one. It still took me forever to not be upset emotionally, but I've known the entire time that he was disrespectful to me during and after the breakup, and so I could override my emotions and think this guy is toxic... which led me to effectively stay in an active period of no contact long enough to really heal (ie I really wanted to move on and wasn't just waiting him out).

 

Hi there,

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. So many kind and responsive people on here, and I appreciate it!

 

Your stories are very similar, and they did help a lot. I spent a sad day yesterday; in my weakness, I reached out with one text to with him a happy fourth (I know, I know) and he barely replied. Ugh. So I spent the day asking, "Why? What happened - I thought we had such a great time?" But I had all the answers; all of you have pretty much summed it all up very nicely and I just had to beat myself up a bit more.

 

It still hurts, but today I am more sad and disappointed than deeply in pain (as I was yesterday). I see now that I can't blame myself; even if I did say something that "offended" him in some way, it may have just been more that it was a truth he didn't want to hear. I know I couldn't have said anything that bad. Also, he was saying things like "I still have your shirt and I sleep with it every night," saying his feelings hadn't changed, holding me, kissing me, etc. It's not as if he acted like a buddy the entire time and it was me who misread signals.

 

Like you, I am trying to let rational thoughts guide me as opposed to my heart. My heart is what led me to see him Saturday, in spite of knowing he had some involvement with her. Rationally, it makes zero sense for me to want to be involved with a man living on his ex's property (and he makes a ton of money, this guy!). It makes no sense to see him while he's in this situation and makes every bit of sense to back off and barely talk to him. He's depressed, drinking and eating to numb his pain, and totally stuck. Like you all have said - steer clear and let him sort this disaster out, if he even plans to.

 

Well, I guess the thing that's tugging at my heart makes even less sense now. I'm basically upset over the fact that he's not reaching out to me in his current state. Why did he brush off my texts, even hours after we had that great day? Did I misinterpret? How can he be so cold when we have such a good connection, even after all this time? Ugh. I wish I could stop asking that question. I wish I could stop wanting to reach out and ask him. I know that any answer I get will just cause me more heartache and confusion. I'm best following y'all's advice and just taking a big step back.

 

Thanks again for listening, and for your support, guys.

[SayAnything]

Haha and sorry SpecialJ, somehow i missed that the last one was also from you! Thank you again for your response.

[SayAnything]

Well, I figure I may as well tell everyone how it turned out. I'm sorry for this post in "Second Chances," as this clearly wasn't one.

 

My friend last night suggested I look to see if a marriage certificate exists in his name. I didn't want to at first, but his silence has been weird and I knew something was up. So we looked, and sure enough - he got married the exact month we split up. Not in Vegas, either - so this was planned well in advance.

 

In other words, he is married, and was cheating on me with his ex for God knows how long while we were together. And he cheated on *her* on Saturday, with me (I was stupid to believe any of his story, I see that now). Those business trips he took last year that raised red flags for me - and were ultimately the reason I broke it off with him? Yup, he was with her. Looking back, it's like, "of COURSE he was cheating, I was so blind."

 

Run when you see the red flags, guys. I know this should've been obvious, but I wanted to believe in a second chance and now I'm glad I dodged the bullet. "I'm living on my ex-wife's property but we are not together" - HA. How did I fall for that?

Thank you all for not telling me I was stupid for believing this. Well, at least I finally learned a valuable lesson for the next time: trust yourself, always question the red flags (like multiple, last-minute "business trips"), and if you ever doubt? Look online to see if the person is married. It sucks, but it's better to know.

 

Thanks again for your support. It meant a great deal to me. I'm not going to lose hope in love over this. She is now married to a cheater and a compulsive liar - I hope they are both happy. With how heavily overweight and awful he looked, I'm guessing the crows are already coming home to roost.

[SpecialJ]

I'm so sorry to hear this. It is totally crazy, and I'm glad you recognize that you didn't lose out. Him not legally committing to you was doing you a huge favor, and now you don't have to let his problems drag you down.

 

You weren't stupid to believe him (I know of situations of exes who really are just roommates). It raised some sort of red flag for you, and it sounds like he has LOTS of practice at lying.

 

Just block him out of your life and don't look back. What a piece of work.