Guys perception of women and their weight

[amkxoxo]

So I am out trying to date. On some sites, been on some dates with people. Was dating someone steady until it fizzled out.

 

I am a bit self conscious. I struggled with weight all my life. I would be heavy, then medium, then skinny, and then back again. I feel myself now as medium average. I have a decent sized chest, which men don't mind, but I always wonder if they look at my stomach and legs. I have some hefty thighs, and a little squishy softness around my middle. I'm about a size 8 women/medium in clothing.

 

When I go out on a date with someone new, I am always paranoid they will criticize my size. Its just the bit of mold left over in my brain from my past weight issues and fluctuations. If we start dating after the first date, I start stalking their ex's on social media and see if they are skinnier than me, and question if they are comparing me to a skinnier past girl.

 

Recently, I was dating someone steady, and we got intimate. I was so scared for him to see me naked. I felt good, but compared to this guy, I was a beached whale. He was an avid daily gym goer. He had a 6 pack with abs you just want to lick. His abdomen was perfect. I'd never seen anything like it. And then here was me, naked with some small rolls and squishy thunder thighs. I was so scared of what he thought of me. I work out. I love walking and exercising. I also just love eating too.

 

This guy ended up ghosting me, and though circumstances point to his own personal issues as the reason, that poison in my brain had me questioning if he liked how I looked naked. He kept saying I had the most amazing boobs, but I questioned if he thought my stomach was flabby.

 

Deep down I know it wasn't me, it was him, but I was curious as to what guys think about women, sizes, and being naked with women? On dates, first time intimacy, etc...

[Bastile]

Deep down I know it wasn't me, it was him, but I was curious as to what guys think about women, sizes, and being naked with women? On dates, first time intimacy, etc...

 

Well, there are a lot of different sizes.

 

There is the petite frame, the could lose a few pounds but is still very attractive type, there is the supersize me kind, then there is Big Daddy and The Giant Haystacks.

 

Generally you know what you are going to get, and it's easy to avoid any confusion (I'm talking real-life. Online dating is much different).

 

Problems can occasionally happen in the grey area of the "could lose a few pounds but is still very attractive" type. Some women have great style, and are great dressers. It's hard sometimes to know what you are getting until the clothes come off.

 

I had a situation like this about 6 months back. And I was a bit surprised at her body type.

 

Thing is that I still went out with her for some more weeks. I was confronted with another problem, that she always wanted to get junk food and was always cooking fatty stuff. She was also the only girl I've went out with that I had to repeatedly convince to leave the crisps section of a supermarket... which wasn't an attractive thing for me.

 

I saw that as a problem that will blatantly get worse with time, and I'm too experienced for any of this "fix people" malarkey, so I moved on. Didn't tell her about the weight or lifestyle stuff. No point, I don't think.

Edited July 3, 2017 by Bastile

[carhill]

Heh, I kinda chuckle about it now but I think my exW traded me in for a skinny guy because I was too accepting of her weight and didn't motivate her enough

 

When reading your post, I thought back to our first date, a lunch date, where we both drove about 30 miles to meet and, TBH, I didn't notice her weight at all, only that she had the cutest face and there was something about her that made me forget she was a half hour late. That would be a theme throughout our M where I would support her in any efforts to lose weight or be fit but didn't beat her over the head with it. If it was ever an issue for me it was because she would, on occasion, dwell on it.

 

When she hooked up with her current guy about 8 years ago now, she was probably a good 20-30 pounds heavier than he was; he's a wiry guy like my dad, not a football tackle like I am. Her second H was also skinny, and tall. I met him when I was dating her.

 

So, three husbands and one long term boyfriend didn't seem to have a strong negative perception of one particular woman and her weight. However, women were and still are in strong demand in the demographic I lived in so supply/demand factors could influence perception. When available women are scarce, well there ya go. Myself, my perception hasn't really changed. I've always accepted women for who they are and have dated many different sizes and shapes of ladies around the planet. However, unlike many/most guys, I confine sex to established relationships or marriage so that can have effects on perception as well, since emotional attachment can precede or accompany the 'naked' part.

 

Clear as mud? Basically every guy is different. Most guys I know like seeing naked women, even their old and appropriately aged wives, some in the great grandmother range. Guys are guys

[basil67]

Allow me to address this with logic.

 

Guys aren't silly. They have a good idea of what we will look like naked while we are still fully dressed. If he didn't like what he was seeing clothed, then he wouldn't have gone any further.

[carhill]

So, OP, when this guy 'ended up ghosting me', was that immediately after the naked intimacy part or later? If later, was there more naked intimacy in between?

[coolheadal]

So I am out trying to date. On some sites, been on some dates with people. Was dating someone steady until it fizzled out.

 

I am a bit self conscious. I struggled with weight all my life. I would be heavy, then medium, then skinny, and then back again. I feel myself now as medium average. I have a decent sized chest, which men don't mind, but I always wonder if they look at my stomach and legs. I have some hefty thighs, and a little squishy softness around my middle. I'm about a size 8 women/medium in clothing.

 

When I go out on a date with someone new, I am always paranoid they will criticize my size. Its just the bit of mold left over in my brain from my past weight issues and fluctuations. If we start dating after the first date, I start stalking their ex's on social media and see if they are skinnier than me, and question if they are comparing me to a skinnier past girl.

 

Recently, I was dating someone steady, and we got intimate. I was so scared for him to see me naked. I felt good, but compared to this guy, I was a beached whale. He was an avid daily gym goer. He had a 6 pack with abs you just want to lick. His abdomen was perfect. I'd never seen anything like it. And then here was me, naked with some small rolls and squishy thunder thighs. I was so scared of what he thought of me. I work out. I love walking and exercising. I also just love eating too.

 

This guy ended up ghosting me, and though circumstances point to his own personal issues as the reason, that poison in my brain had me questioning if he liked how I looked naked. He kept saying I had the most amazing boobs, but I questioned if he thought my stomach was flabby.

 

Deep down I know it wasn't me, it was him, but I was curious as to what guys think about women, sizes, and being naked with women? On dates, first time intimacy, etc...

 

You need to be more confident and have self-esteem, you seem to be lacking about loving yourself as you are instead of what others see you. Okay if you going to stay fit eat right don't let the food be your hope and dream to eat more. No need to buy snacks, and junk food. I myself was like you once I never going back to the weigh issues. I rather be fit and trim not for looking good in others eyes but for me I love who I am inside and out. I want to stay healthy not have to see any doctor and keep away from pills. I haven't seen one since 2008 and rather keep it that way!

 

I am working out again but feeding the muscle only not the body to gain weight just keep everything just right. Looking good and feeling good is great! Showing yourself off to others is where you get worried. Then do something about it.

[thefooloftheyear]

When I see people driving Toyota Camry's I wonder what the hell is running through their minds, I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those dreadful looking cars...Yet, it's the most widely sold vehicle on the road(sedan anyway)...

 

What's my point? What one person finds appealing another doesn't...

 

Reading from your story though, yeah, I am betting he just hung around for the sex and then decided it wasn't worth it...I know that sounds harsh...Maybe I am wrong, but probably not...A fit guy will normally "take" anything that's handed to them(like most guys), but they usually want something along their same line for a LTR..perhaps he decided you weren't...Just speculating here..

 

I don't think its all that much different for women...A woman with a rockin body, would probably shy away from a doughboy type, although women generally aren't quite as superficial in this area as men are...

 

Look...It sounded like you weren't comfortable with the disparity in body type...Despite what the mass media keeps trying to drill into the heads of everyone, not all guys want heavy/sloppy women...Some do...Most don't, especially fit guys..Most of us want what we bring to the table...Its not so unfair to expect that, right?.

 

Maybe you can try to catch that small percentage of leaner guys that like heavier women, but I think you may feel more comfortable and relaxed with a guy that was more your equal...

 

.02

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Allow me to address this with logic.

 

Guys aren't silly. They have a good idea of what we will look like naked while we are still fully dressed. If he didn't like what he was seeing clothed, then he wouldn't have gone any further.

 

 

Not really true....

 

Women can hide a myriad of problem areas with the wide variety of "slenderizing" undergarments available to them...To the point, where if they are able to tolerate what must be ridiculously uncomfortable, they can present a package clothed that will look absolutely nothing like what happens when it all comes off.

 

Just the other night, I saw a commercial for a "corset' type of device...The before and after pics were almost unrecognizable...

 

TFY

[Els]

This guy ended up ghosting me, and though circumstances point to his own personal issues as the reason, that poison in my brain had me questioning if he liked how I looked naked. He kept saying I had the most amazing boobs, but I questioned if he thought my stomach was flabby.

 

Even if he didn't, so what?

 

You will never be everyone's cup of tea, no matter what your body is like. My SO thinks Kate Moss looks terrible (and no, he did not say this to make me feel good or anything, and he rarely bashes women's appearances in general. Moss clearly made a bit of an impression, though ). Lots of guys would think she looks hot. It really is just a different strokes for different folks thing.

 

I think you should either learn to accept how you look like (and I mean genuinely accept, not in the insecure "I can't be naked around you" manner), or if you can't, then put more effort into changing it. Because while everyone has different preferences, the one thing I think most decent men can agree on is that a massively insecure woman is a red flag.

[SammySammy]

Men aren't monolithic. We don't all think the same.

Some men will prefer your body type. Find it ideal. Others will be repulsed. And everything in between.

 

Be with the guys that like you. Don't worry about the rest.

 

But, most importantly, be happy with yourself. If you don't like your body, change it. Just do it because it makes YOU happy. Not someone else.

[amaysngrace]

Tough crap if he doesn't like your body. He should be lucky to be getting some if women are just a body to him.

[BluesPower]

Sweetie...

 

You need to wake up a little and feel good about yourself in general.

 

If someone does not dig you, so what, there is someone out there for you.

 

You just need to feel confident and good about yourself.

 

I am a guy and frankly I really cannot deal with skinny women, no offense to anyone. I just like a girl with a little meat on her bones. If she is a caring and giving woman and lover, that is what matters.

 

I am still a little heavier than I should be by about 20 lbs, so what.

 

I get the job done in the bedroom and I am basically a great guy.

 

FYI, girls that are a little heavier actually have an advantage over really thin girls.

[amkxoxo]

So, OP, when this guy 'ended up ghosting me', was that immediately after the naked intimacy part or later? If later, was there more naked intimacy in between?

 

It wasn't right after. He actually called me the day after to see me again, and kept asking me to hangout. We were intimate multiple times after the first time. He had personal issues going on, that I think contributed to the ghosting, but getting ghosted was a huge hit to me, and I immediately started thinking about how I look and thinking he is probably looking for someone skinnier and prettier than myself. Inside I don't think he left me over my looks. He was also calling me pretty etc, all while dating. I just can't stand thinking he left because of me and how I was.

 

I am now paranoid on every date I go on that guys are going to see me in person from my online profile and think I don't look the same. I posted in pictures of me that I get made me look good. But I truly think I look like my photos. I don't look ultra skinny or different from my actual self.

 

I try to be healthy. I love vegetables and healthy meals. But I also like ice cream and chips. Moderation is key. I like working out, but I do have some flab on my stomach.

[d0nnivain]

I have some hefty thighs, and a little squishy softness around my middle.

 

He was an avid daily gym goer. He had a 6 pack with abs you just want to lick. His abdomen was perfect. I'd never seen anything like it. And then here was me, naked with some small rolls and squishy thunder thighs. I was so scared of what he thought of me. I work out. I love walking and exercising. I also just love eating too.

 

Deep down I know it wasn't me, it was him, but I was curious as to what guys think about women, sizes, and being naked with women? On dates, first time intimacy, etc...

 

You probably look normal. He cares about perfection. He's a gym rat. You're not. You two were not fundamentally compatible. There's nothing wrong with you. You & him just don't go together.

[tetrahedral]

It wasn't right after. He actually called me the day after to see me again, and kept asking me to hangout. We were intimate multiple times after the first time. He had personal issues going on, that I think contributed to the ghosting, but getting ghosted was a huge hit to me, and I immediately started thinking about how I look and thinking he is probably looking for someone skinnier and prettier than myself. Inside I don't think he left me over my looks. He was also calling me pretty etc, all while dating. I just can't stand thinking he left because of me and how I was.

 

I am now paranoid on every date I go on that guys are going to see me in person from my online profile and think I don't look the same. I posted in pictures of me that I get made me look good. But I truly think I look like my photos. I don't look ultra skinny or different from my actual self.

 

I try to be healthy. I love vegetables and healthy meals. But I also like ice cream and chips. Moderation is key. I like working out, but I do have some flab on my stomach.

 

By worrying so much, you make your weight insecurities a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I dated a girl for more than a year who had insecurities like yours.

 

It wasn't just in bed. She interpreted a lot of things as guilt/resentment/reminders that she's "fat".

 

Which she wasn't. I liked her the way she was. Or, I didn't like her the way she was, because we fought a lot. but I liked her body the way it was.

 

But she never believed it. And that's what actually matters. Eventually she got very controlling/paranoid with me. Which contributed to me hating her. Which was a big part of us finally breaking up.

 

And of course when we did break up, she accused me of doing it because of her weight.

 

If you keep thinking something is true, it becomes true.

Edited July 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Aqulesco]

a thick sturdy woman is more likely to produce healthy offspring through those wide hips and curvy bottom. Says the subconscious of every man who sees a thick sturdy womanly woman. Humor, nice personality and intelligience helps too

[basil67]

Not really true....

 

Women can hide a myriad of problem areas with the wide variety of "slenderizing" undergarments available to them...To the point, where if they are able to tolerate what must be ridiculously uncomfortable, they can present a package clothed that will look absolutely nothing like what happens when it all comes off.

 

Just the other night, I saw a commercial for a "corset' type of device...The before and after pics were almost unrecognizable...

 

TFY

 

Yeah, this is true to a point. A lot of shapewear is good at holding wobbly bits firm and removing obvious indents from underwear. And I make corsets, so I'm familiar with waist reduction.

 

But I'm yet to find anything which would make me look a size smaller than what I am. At best, fat can only be displaced - not heavily compressed to make us look smaller.

[BluEyeL]

Overall, your size shouldn't be a problem in dating at all. Now, like others said,no matter your weight or body type, you'll have men who will like it, and others who won't.

 

So don't worry about it at all, I can guarantee it wasn't your weight. Just some guys like to do the ol' pump and dump.

 

I personally would never go for the six pack guy, I see them as too much into themselves/looks to be a good match for me, but if you like these, maybe you need to stay in the gym as much as they do, if you want a long term thing.

[dichotomy]

Men have body issues as well - they know there are some women who like tall men, or men with "six pack abs you want to lick", or oversized penis. Some men get worked up over their bodies just like you and other women do - whole threads on this.

 

But everyone has their body preferences.

 

I am a big guy (height/muscle/weight)- and prefer thicker women. I think maybe I was with a size 8 just once. All my gals have been size 12 and up. Trim petite women dont do anything for me and I worry about breaking them. I just like women with meat on them - and nothing wrong with that.

 

My current wife is the heaviest and tallest of any women I have been with, and frankly - she had a rather notable amount of partners between marriages. She had a very outgoing personality and a pretty face and just worked past her size issues.

 

There are guys for you... dont worry.

[Imajerk17]

I can tell you this: Women with curves have been approached, asked out, made love to, and wifed up *long* before Ashley Graham ever came to be.

 

The idea that only thin women are desired...Fake News

 

Sorry about this guy ghosting but I am about certain that it wasn't your weight.

[Popsicle]

I'm about a size 8 women/medium in clothing.

 

Seriously?

 

This is not big at all.

 

This is your past residual weight issues playing with your mind.

 

And newsflash: even thin/hot women get ghosted on. There are a variety of reasons that people ghost and get ghosted on. It's not always related to looks.

[Bastile]

Tough crap if he doesn't like your body. He should be lucky to be getting some if women are just a body to him.

 

I could have quoted many posts, but this is the most obvious. Such a negative attitude to have.

 

The problem is that I find this fairly common in Western Women. The attitude of "I'm the prize, and any guy is lucky to have sex”. There was even a thread that I remember a few weeks back where a woman asked a simple question: “how can I be a better girlfriend?”. The response? “Don't. Just be yourself”.

 

As someone that comes from a very niche culture myself, and has went out with a diverse group of women (Eastern European, Latina, Western, etc), I find this to be a great weakness particular of many English girls. It's why they get easily outperformed.

 

Sure, if you want to believe that you can have flab, be “can't cook/won't cook”, or basically not improve your value in any way, and that guys should just be lucky to be in your presence, that's one way you can go through life. But what kind of guy are you filtering for with such a crap attitude?

 

Men get told how they can improve, women get told they don't need to. It's bizarre.

 

It's quite simple: my advice would be to eat less ice cream. Live a healthier lifestyle. And it will be much easier to attract better looking guys for ltr's. As someone else mentioned, It's a different thing to attract a good-looking guy with options for short term and long term. If you have an obvious insecurity, just get it sorted if possible.

 

Two types of people, those looking to improve – and those looking for excuses not to. Best not to fall into the mindset of the latter.

[elaine567]

If you are a kinda flabby girl, and you know this guy was much better looking than you are, then no, you should not be surprised when he ghosts after getting laid. .

 

He didn't actually do that.

[Bastile]

He didn't actually do that.

 

Neither did I, but it was the reason.

 

Enigma's post was correct. Guy's don't typically friendzone; they friends with benefits zone.

 

In my case, I said something about not being able to get over an ex. Guys aren't going to tell you about weight, because it's not worth the aggro.

 

However, this is a forum meant to help each other. The reframes which I see aren't helpful. It's a very negative mindset.

 

As my dad would say "meaning well is never good enough".

 

There is a difference between curvy and flab. Guys aren't attracted to the latter. Same way women aren't attracted to a man being unemployed. And it's a limitation someone will have in this scene.

 

Two options: accept the limitation/work around it. Or deal with it to improve your own value.

 

Being delusional or getting a weird attitude about it is probably the worst thing.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This begins and ends with you.

 

Although I will agree that men's tastes in what they find attractive in a woman varies greatly, I feel like your lack of confidence is the real problem here. Nothing is going to work until you fix how you see yourself.

 

Insecurity of any kind but especially body insecurity is a HUGE turn off to many men. Confidence is key.

 

We all have insecurities about the way we look. No one is perfect after all. You don't have to love every inch of yourself necessarily but you have to love yourself enough to know you're so much more than just your rolls and thick thighs and squishy belly.

 

I have a ton of flaws thanks to birthing children and age and surgeries both major and minor. It's never stopped me from having an incredible social life and an even better sex life. Why? Because I know I am so much more than my bits and pieces and it comes through in my interactions with men. Confidence is a game changer.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle