lavendergirl Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 There's a lot of background to my story, if you're interested you can look at my profile but I wanted to start fresh. Okay the husband and I have been together since we're 12 years old, we are 28 now. He recently decided that we have grown in different ways, we tried the in house separation, trial out of house separation while dating each other, and now he says he needs to be single to figure out what he wants in life. We have grown into two "together" people and never had opportunities to grow into two whole individual people since we've been together so long. I agree that we have struggled with that but I still do not want to split up. We both love each other and deeply care for each other even though it feels awful awful awful. He is leaving it up to me whether or not I want to get an actual divorce (how sweet, right?) but divorce or not, he's going to be single. Well, of course, I don't want a divorce, I want to do anything I can to stay married although at this point "married" is a piece of paper. I go back and forth on whether or not to sign the papers. I am going to do what he's doing... playing the "single" game, I want to grow as a person too. It doesn't mean I'll sleep around, just that I am focusing on myself. I am really still hoping we come back together sometime down the road, hopefully in a healthier, more mature place, he has mentioned that he hopes so too but that he just isn't sure right now. Keep in mind, that this is all still fresh and I'm in serious pain, I could change my mind months down the road, or even tomorrow. Thoughts? I know you all tend to be brutally honest, and I probably need it now, but keep in mind that I'm wounded. Play nice, please. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 If the marriage is truly over, which it very much sounds as though it is, then there's very little point in remaining legally married. What happens if you win the lottery or get an inheritance, for example? As your husband, he will be entitled to half. If you are in an accident, who will be allowed into the OR to visit you? As your husband, he will. Your new boyfriend will be forced to wait outside. It usually makes very little sense to remain married to someone who is only a spouse on paper. Unless he has good medical insurance, or life insurance, which covers "spouse"............... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 As he is determined to be single, then I see no point in trying to hold onto a marriage that is dead from his point of view. Better to bite the bullet now. Make a clean break. Had he made a clean break months ago instead of putting you through the agony of "space", a "break", an in home separation, an out of home separation and now he wants to be single, then you would be half way to getting over it by now. If you continue to hold onto hope as you are still legally married, then it will be very hard when he calls you up in 2-3 years to tell you he wants a divorce as he wants to get married again to someone else. If you both change your minds later, then you can always remarry. It will be better for your peace of mind, if you sign now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 It takes two to maintain a marriage and only one to end it. He's decided to end it. Sign the papers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Is he trying to avoid paying the cost of filing for divorce? Or does he not want to be the one to file? Either way, it's time to accept the marriage is over. He wants to be single and I think it's a good opportunity for you to explore life. Take up interests of socialise and decide if you want to change career, take a course and really reevaluate your whole life, independently of him. You are young, yet you've been with one boy/man for years. I know it's hard, but accept it's over and focus on yourself. Do you have children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 You need to do this for your own self worth/self respect. You love your husband and don't want to give up on him and the life you made with him (rightfully so!) BUT, he isn't connecting with you, proving himself to you, he isn't putting you first or trying to regain your trust and faith in him again. He isn't remorseful, he's still lying to you and doing whatever he wants. Sign the dotted line. Just know that 'waayyy into the future' if things change (very drastically and he's learned a painful lesson) you can always 'date' him again and remarry him. If you stay, he's going to continue to lie to you, make a fool of you behind your back. You can only take so much pain and manipulation before it ruins who you are inside and out. I'm sorry that he's doing this to you, please reach out to trusted family members and good friends to help support you through this difficult time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 If you don't get a divorce, I understand. It may be you guys play the field a little and decide you're better off together But. It could go the other way too. So you need to protect yourself legally. At the very LEAST, get a legal separation. Then you are protected legally if things go south He may not have bad intentions now but maybe he meets some girl who's not of decent character and then all of a sudden you're getting screwed over 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 It sounds like you want to hold onto the legal aspect of being married because it still gives you a tie to him. The reality is that if the tie is only a legal formality, it doesn't mean very much. It's better to go ahead and rip the bandaid off and sign the papers. Because what is going to happen is he will meet someone else, and he will be the one to sign the papers. And that is going to be a lot worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Guzzard Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 I know this post is a week old, but having faced a somewhat similar situation, I thought if you have not made your decision already that my case may help. I was faced with a spouse that walked away one day stating that although she loved me, I was wonderful, she was happy in our time together... and the kicker... was glad she met me... but she wanted to do everything alone with no responsibility to anyone/thing. She kept me baited with statements about not being in a hurry to file, no rush to work on the divorce, she doesn't need us to proceed right away on the divorce, etc. All just head games to keep me on the hook. I pulled myself together and created the paperwork to file. On the day of needing her signature, I got the "i miss you"... I took the signature and filed. Probably stupidly, the day I submitted I thought I would call her so she knew it was in. The response I got.. "oh I hadn't even thought about that anyway". What else followed this was more not in a rush to do the next paperwork, we don't have to complete the next document for a few weeks, etc. More head games. Sign, file, get it done and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 There is no point in waiting. Sign and start working on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 I believe continual growth is necessary whether in a relationship or not. Why can't you two grow within the marriage? Grow individually and grow the marriage? Is there any reason he thinks that can't be done? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Is there any reason he thinks that can't be done? Well the fact that he has walked out and said he wants to be single is a pretty big indicator that he doesn't want to "grow the marriage". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I think it's pretty sh*tty that he's leaving it up to YOU to decide about the divorce. What a f*cking coward. My ex hubby used to pull stunts like this with me all the time while we were married, where he'd express his opinions about whatever but then leave it to me to 'decide' whatever needed to be decided. When I talked about it in my therapy sessions, my therapist said it was passive aggressive behavior. He would avoid taking any responsibility on some decisions and instead put the onus on me to make the decisions only to then turn around and blame ME when things went sour or sideways. OP, what do YOU really want? Forget what HE wants and what he's doing for a moment and think about what it is you truly ache for? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Hi Lavender.. You said the marriage is only a piece of paper. Well, sign the divorce. If you two end up together again, then re marry. Its all paper work. However, maybe the stigma of actually being divorced, and knowing he is divorced, may knock him a little. Once your on the market, he may well get a little jealous. If he doesn't, girl, its OVER.. Sorry, as no fixing can help you there. One is all gutsy and brave, until they actually have to take the jump out of an aeroplane when skydiving. Let him go first, and you second.. Ted. Link to post Share on other sites
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