No self respect, even after earning a degree

[Johnsmith1003]

Going to fit two questions in this because I don't think its necessary for two separate threads.

 

I've never been one to feel proud or satisfied with myself (probably at times but not wholly). I went to a private college after HS (under the impression forever I wouldn't be financially happy in life without it). I don't have self respect most times and that consequently allows many other silly things to happen. There was a two year hiatus during the acquisition of my bachelors fine art degree. I got in debt $68k and kept doubting myself for many years, thinking I'd never graduate. It became quite an obsession to prove to myself I wasn't just like someone else (again, no pride or self respect). After spending many hours away from wife and son (incidentally whom I love to death) to pay $15k from my own pocket back to the school to finish, I finally did finish this year. I was very happy, but only for a bit. I finally accomplished what I set out to do, but now I'm on that low again. Seems like nothing can make me happy or respect myself. I had a very high anger problem much of my teens and early twenties. That reduced considerably but there still are times. I don't know. Even when I KNOW there are countless others who suffer far far more than me in this life I still can't help but being upset at my circumstances. It isn't as instant gratifying as I want it to be (not like it was realistically anyway). I don't have a job within the field I graduated from but it isn't something that was to happen a month later anyway. Now just doubting what I went to school for is what I really want in life. Unsure if entertaining the idea of a stem degree is something spontaneous to convince me to do better or a genuine and sincere move that I always had a fascination for. I focused too heavily to earn a bachelors but now I still don't feel all that great, so I can no longer see it as a status/money thing. It's how I view myself and things and I'll probably never feel satisfied with my own accomplishments until I view life in a different way.

[d0nnivain]

You need to improve your own self esteem. (Mine is a work in progress too).

 

Read some self help books. Consider therapy. At the very least try looking at yourself through the loving eyes of your wife & kid.

 

self esteem can be bolstered.

[iphica]

I've found that when I achieve a goal I had set for myself, I feel good for a while but then seem to hit a sense of complacency. I've heard of it happening for some people after running a marathon (not me, I'm too unfit ) where they may stall or plateau with their running routine, perhaps due to no longer having a goal to work towards.

 

I think our culture tries to teach us that our value is measured by external achievements, forgetting that we have value simply in being who we are. Whilst a degree certainly is an achievement to be proud of, people are too complex to be measured by something so arbitrary. Be proud of what you've achieved - but don't feel defined by it.

[Redhead14]

Going to fit two questions in this because I don't think its necessary for two separate threads.

 

I've never been one to feel proud or satisfied with myself (probably at times but not wholly). I went to a private college after HS (under the impression forever I wouldn't be financially happy in life without it). I don't have self respect most times and that consequently allows many other silly things to happen. There was a two year hiatus during the acquisition of my bachelors fine art degree. I got in debt $68k and kept doubting myself for many years, thinking I'd never graduate. It became quite an obsession to prove to myself I wasn't just like someone else (again, no pride or self respect). After spending many hours away from wife and son (incidentally whom I love to death) to pay $15k from my own pocket back to the school to finish, I finally did finish this year. I was very happy, but only for a bit. I finally accomplished what I set out to do, but now I'm on that low again. Seems like nothing can make me happy or respect myself. I had a very high anger problem much of my teens and early twenties. That reduced considerably but there still are times. I don't know. Even when I KNOW there are countless others who suffer far far more than me in this life I still can't help but being upset at my circumstances. It isn't as instant gratifying as I want it to be (not like it was realistically anyway). I don't have a job within the field I graduated from but it isn't something that was to happen a month later anyway. Now just doubting what I went to school for is what I really want in life. Unsure if entertaining the idea of a stem degree is something spontaneous to convince me to do better or a genuine and sincere move that I always had a fascination for. I focused too heavily to earn a bachelors but now I still don't feel all that great, so I can no longer see it as a status/money thing. It's how I view myself and things and I'll probably never feel satisfied with my own accomplishments until I view life in a different way.

 

Self-esteem/respect starts at a young age and is fostered by example/bolstering in parenting and upbringing. And, it's not necessarily that the parenting was completely lacking, but, more in how you "perceived" things that may or may not have happened then. This is a journey of self-discovery and you need to start at the beginning.

 

until I view life in a different way -- talking and getting stuff out of your head and into the limelight so to speak, creates the environment for that.

 

And, you may say, "oh, here we go, someone else recommending therapy", but there is no harm in trying it because what you have been doing isn't working for you and so a little direction from someone who isn't too close to the situation might help you alot.

[whatnot]

"The value of a college education isn't the learning of many facts but the training of the mind to think". - Albert Einstein

 

I've found this to be the case. It's something people takes with them the rest of their lives. That particular benefit will never, and can never, be taken away from you. It's more than an accomplishment...it's a permanent change in how you're able to use your mind. It trains the mind to work in a unique fashion. It will work differently for the rest of your life. It will work more critically.

 

It's a certificate that certifies that this individual is able to follow through on a long-term commitment.

 

It tells a potential employer that the person sitting in front of him/her values self-improvement. It also tells others that same thing about you.

 

For me, it has paid for itself financially...many times over.

 

It's not a panacea for low-self esteem. But it is something one can be proud of for the rest of their lives.

 

We all have regrets in life. Getting a college education isn't one of them...for most who have.

 

Congratulations.

 

To your other questions...seeking the answers may prove more harmful and helpful.

 

Good luck and take care

 

David

[ClassyTaste]

Having a degree is an accomplishment, but does not necessarily mean anything if you are not doing what you love doing. That is a job! I was depressed until I found my gift and passion. It has to be more then extra curriculum activities, marathons, walking a far distance etc. Find out who you are and what impact you want to make in your own world and onto the world. Once you have done this, you could die tomorrow and be dead happy.

[Bastile]

Read some development books. "King, warrior, magician, lover" is a good one for example.

 

Take up a martial art. Take your son with you too - it can be a bonding experience. It's a completely different challenge. Boxing, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, etc.

 

Focus on your relationship with your wife. Make that a blast.

 

There's just so much to life, than just viewing it through that lense.

[SammySammy]

Happiness is a choice.

 

It does not reside in things, situations, accomplishments, or even other people. If you expect anything external from you to GIVE you happiness, you'll never have it.

 

Happiness starts inside and flows outward.

[truthtripper]

I have two bachelor degrees, one of science and the other of music, yet I also have suffered all my life from low self-esteem, anxiety, social phobia. I was abused in childhood by my grandfather, but was in denial about how much it affected me for most of my life. Talk therapy helped me to make connections between my past and present. It was really body work that helped me with the self-esteem issues. Through this I discovered that my problems stemmed from a lack of self-belonging, a subconscious belief that I belonged to others. Imo, the body holds solutions to problems the mind does not.

[littleblackheart]

You need to start looking into the root cause of this lack of confidence so it doesn't creep back on you.

 

I have quite a few degrees under my belt and I'm about to complete a PhD after a very hard slog as I'm also a working single mother to 2 young kids, one of whom is on the autism spectrum (as am I). My life is now so full that I don't really have time for self-pitying and feeling less than, but it wasn't always the case.

 

Like you, I used to have serious self-confidence issues that I managed to mostly sort of resolve, ironically, by spending less time thinking about me, myself and I and how stuff is affecting me. Having kids, then raising them on my own have meant that I'm not the centre of my world, and that's done me a lot of good. I really used to spend an inordinate amount of time on introspection, over-analysing, feeling bad for not conforming and guilt-tripping about all sorts of stuff.

 

I still have some bad days but what's keeping me grounded is consciously, deliberately choosing to be a positive role model to my kids at all times and not beating myself up when plans fall through. Keeping the focus off me has definitely been helpful, and so is realising that doing my best is better than trying to be perfect, which is a loosing battle at the best of times anyway!

 

Being aware of your limitations is half the battle; you now need to find the right path for you to keep your head up and keep smiling. It's hard work, but it's worth it .

[truthtripper]

You need to start looking into the root cause of this lack of confidence so it doesn't creep back on you........

 

.........Like you, I used to have serious self-confidence issues that I managed to mostly sort of resolve, ironically, by spending less time thinking about me, myself and I and how stuff is affecting me.

.

These two comments are incongruent. Once the distractions are over, all your problems will re-emerge, crashing down on you like a ton of bricks. Believe me, I've been there, done that.

[littleblackheart]

These two comments are incongruent. Once the distractions are over, all your problems will re-emerge, crashing down on you like a ton of bricks. Believe me, I've been there, done that.

 

I'm not sure what you mean. Also, I wouldn't call raising kids on my own a 'distraction' - labelling it that way means you are still looking at everything that isn't to do with you like something of lesser value, in a way.

 

We as individual are not that important, in the scheme of things; someone, somewhere in the world will be experiencing worse than you at any given moment so no-one has the monopoly on martyrdom, lack of self-respect or lack of confidence. This also doesn't give you licence to wallow in self-pity, imo.

 

That's not to undermine personal battles at all. I know it's very difficult to lift your head up the parapet sometimes.

 

As an example, I'm a quite severely affected Apergian but lucky for me, I'm high functioning and I tend to believe that most everything is down to choice - I didn't choose to feel like an alien in a world that makes little sense to me, but what I did choose is to learn to engage and push my own boundaries at some personal cost to myself so I can show my autstic kid the way, and my NT kid how to accept others with an open mind.

 

It may be trite and contrived but in my personal experience, making active efforts to at least try and challenges my perceptions about myself and others have helped.

 

Of course this won't be the right course for everyone, but it was for me.

Edited July 24, 2017 by littleblackheart

[truthtripper]

I'm not sure what you mean. Also, I wouldn't call raising kids on my own a 'distraction' - labelling it that way means you are still looking at everything that isn't to do with you like something of lesser value, in a way.

 

We as individual are not that important, in the scheme of things; someone, somewhere in the world will be experiencing worse than you at any given moment so no-one has the monopoly on martyrdom, lack of self-respect or lack of confidence. This also doesn't give you licence to wallow in self-pity, imo.

 

That's not to undermine personal battles at all. I know it's very difficult to lift your head up the parapet sometimes.

 

As an example, I'm a quite severely affected Apergian but lucky for me, I'm high functioning and I tend to believe that most everything is down to choice - I didn't choose to feel like an alien in a world that makes little sense to me, but what I did choose is to learn to engage and push my own boundaries at some personal cost to myself so I can show my autstic kid the way, and my NT kid how to accept others with an open mind.

 

It may be trite and contrived but in my personal experience, making active efforts to at least try and challenges my perceptions about myself and others have helped.

 

Of course this won't be the right course for everyone, but it was for me.

Hi littleblackheart, thanks for your response. Being an Aspergian and healing from the effects of child abuse are two completely different situations, so perhaps we should not be comparing notes! I have no idea what it must be like to be in your shoes, but congratulations on your efforts. You are succeeding in life, that's wonderful:)

[littleblackheart]

Hi littleblackheart, thanks for your response. Being an Aspergian and healing from the effects of child abuse are two completely different situations, so perhaps we should not be comparing notes! I have no idea what it must be like to be in your shoes, but congratulations on your efforts. You are succeeding in life, that's wonderful:)

 

Thanks, and I totally understand that our backstories are not comparable! Your experience sounds harrowing, and I'm sorry you went through so much pain.

 

As an Aspergian, you are the ideal target for all sorts of emotional and mental abuse, some more severe than others, and I'm no exception even though I couldn't make sense of them at the time.

 

I have learnt to deal with it better and I can now recognise the signs. The condition also comes with a host of daily challenges that are difficult for NTs to understand because it's a hidden disability but that's not stopping me from making the most of it, because we only have one life.

 

Our circumstances are different but this doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to your fate - I really hope you find your own way to make peace with yourself, and I hope OP can find his own way too .

[truthtripper]

Thanks, and I totally understand that our backstories are not comparable! Your experience sounds harrowing, and I'm sorry you went through so much pain.

 

As an Aspergian, you are the ideal target for all sorts of emotional and mental abuse, some more severe than others, and I'm no exception even though I couldn't make sense of them at the time.

 

I have learnt to deal with it better and I can now recognise the signs. The condition also comes with a host of daily challenges that are difficult for NTs to understand because it's a hidden disability but that's not stopping me from making the most of it, because we only have one life.

 

Our circumstances are different but this doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to your fate - I really hope you find your own way to make peace with yourself, and I hope OP can find his own way too .

Yes, I'm with you. I don't believe there is such a thing as fate, things just happen, that's life. As you say, awareness is the key.

[AHopelessRomantic]

Hey, there.

You need to figure out what your true values are. If none of these systems were in place to tell you what is *supposedly* valuable, what would your values be?

 

Tony Robbins says you're mastering the science of achievement, but not the art of fulfillment.

 

You really need to think of what your values are as if societal norms were non-existent. Make up your own. Earning another meaningless piece of paper will not make you happy.

 

You need to remember that the only thing that makes humans happy is progress. Nothing more or less. Simply progress.

 

There is no person, no thing, no idea that can make you happy. Happiness comes from within you as you find yourself living with reason.

 

How to gain self-respect: You gain self-respect by respecting YOUR own values. You went into debt to earn a receipt for someone else's approval saying you're capable of using this one skill (which is also something you could have learned from YouTube, especially if you didn't plan to get into an area using that degree)

 

What's important to YOU? Not society.

Side note: It's not important to society, either, by the way. You have to remember these degrees are formed as a way for corporations to easily narrow potential employees. These schools cost so much because they know people are desperate for these degrees for a better chance of hire, so they're convincing you to spend $68k on a receipt saying you read the same material that you could have found in a library, or in this day and age, on the internet for free. Also, don't forget, the people running these corporations don't even have these degrees. The US educational system is a business the same as corporations. Equal benefit. The schools earn money creating potential employees to make the corporations more money. Money, money, money.

 

So, no. A degree is not yours or anyone else's value. It's business. Don't get another degree if STEM isn't your passion, which it clearly isn't.

 

 

Find out what your TRUE spiritual values are and work towards achieving THOSE. What makes you feel good that you don't place high attention on? Sewing? Feeding cats? Traveling? Being with your family and riding in an RV to weird places that make you uncomfortable? That stuff is fun and fulfilling because there is always something new behind it - and ultimately because it’s truly valuable time spent to you.

 

Whatever genuinely fulfills you - spiritually - focus on using your degrees to make the money to support THOSE goals.

 

My mother has a friend who does exactly that. He feels his purpose is to travel the world and learn new things (which is human progression. That's why he's so happy). That's all he does. He has a pattern. Spends 2 years working a basic job, lives in an small apartment, cheap transportation, healthy food , and he saves allll that money he makes and spends his next two years traveling the world and living anywhere he can during that period of time - meeting and living with new people, learning their culture and language, learning the world - then when he runs out of the money after those two years, he comes back to the US and does the same thing again. Because those are his true values. He doesn't value having a degree and a few letters behind his name, or the biggest house, or a Lexus and all those superficial liabilities, so why would he invests his money and time into it? His true values lie in learning, so that's what he invests in. He is as happy as a clam.

 

Figure out what your true values are. If you had no obstacles, from physically monetary to mentally challenging, what would you do? Then create a plan to be able to achieve and maintain that dream. If you knew you were to die soon, what will bring you to peace knowing you achieved it?

Edited July 27, 2017 by AHopelessRomantic
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