Why does everyone think the wife has it so good

[lostgirl87]

An affair doesnt say one damn thing about a BS. It doesnt speak to the BS integrity, attractiveness,character, morals...nothing at all.

 

An affair highlights quite a bit about the WS and the AP.

 

A persons sense of self (esteem,worth) should never be anchored to the whims of another. Not all women feel that "they are not enough" due to their spouses infidelity, nor should they. It isnt healthy. Again, an affair doesnt say one thing about the betrayed partner.

 

Yes, there are folks who would rather be yielding the knife than be the one with the knife in their back. Those that prefer to have the knife are the ones that other folks make character judgements on....because they are the ones that had actions to judge them on.

 

For many FWS/FAP the greatest "lesson they learned" is to never sell out their Self Respect/Integrity because the internal view of self being a good person was severely discredited by themselves to themselves. And aint nobody worth that.

I'm confused as to why I'm quoted on this response. I don't think I ever made any character assumptions about a BS. I'm talking only about what she has to go through when she "wins". Everything she has to experience in order to try and save her marriage and recover from her cheating husband's affair.

 

And I'll agree with your last paragraph.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm confused as to why I'm quoted on this response. I don't think I ever made any character assumptions about a BS. I'm talking only about what she has to go through when she "wins". Everything she has to experience in order to try and save her marriage and recover from her cheating husband's affair.

 

And I'll agree with your last paragraph.

 

Your post stated that a BS would feel that they werent enough for their spouse. And that to you, that is more hurtful than actually being the AP.

 

The assumption that the BS has more "work" to do and an AP just goes on to have infidelity free relationship/s afterwards is simply incorrect.

 

The WS and the AP have way more on their plate than the BS.

 

It is easier to accept that you have been hurt than it is to accept that you have done the hurting. That is why there are serial WS and serial AP. It isnt easy to view oneself as being a person who has intentionally hurt another. It isnt easy to accept responsibility without a "but" following it. We see FAP/FWS that still berate the FBS years and years afterwards....even if the FAP went on to marry the WS. Or FAP berating the FWS. Or FWS berating the FAP. Why? Because it is just that difficult to view oneself in such a negative light, so they hide it...behind bravado..behind "look they were/are worse"...forever tied to who they were during the affair...never growing beyond it.

 

There is so much more that one can be....one has to be willing.

[lostgirl87]

Your post stated that a BS would feel that they werent enough for their spouse. And that to you, that is more hurtful than actually being the AP.

 

The assumption that the BS has more "work" to do and an AP just goes on to have infidelity free relationship/s afterwards is simply incorrect.

 

The WS and the AP have way more on their plate than the BS.

 

It is easier to accept that you have been hurt than it is to accept that you have done the hurting. That is why there are serial WS and serial AP. It isnt easy to view oneself as being a person who has intentionally hurt another. It isnt easy to accept responsibility without a "but" following it. We see FAP/FWS that still berate the FBS years and years afterwards....even if the FAP went on to marry the WS. Or FAP berating the FWS. Or FWS berating the FAP. Why? Because it is just that difficult to view oneself in such a negative light, so they hide it...behind bravado..behind "look they were/are worse"...forever tied to who they were during the affair...never growing beyond it.

 

There is so much more that one can be....one has to be willing.

I was responding to another poster who said "his needs weren't being met at home" so that's why he had an affair. Context is important.

 

And yes, that to me would be way more hurtful than being an AP. and yes the BS has more work to do b/c she is married to a man who cheated on her and together they are trying to "fix it". That's not to mean a BS has work to do on herself but unless every single BS or WS on here is wrong, it takes 2 people working at the relationship to save the marriage.

 

I'm not saying an AP goes on to have infidelity free relationships b/c anyone can be cheated on. What I AM saying is most wouldn't get into another relationship where they are the AP...again. If they do, then they're just stupid. In my case, lesson learned and I won't be in that situation ever again. And honestly, I never thought I'd find myself in that situation to begin with. I've always despised cheaters.

Edited July 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[mercy]

Are they doomed to be with the one woman they married because they married her?

 

Yes, that's exactly it, he's doomed.

 

The title was ' Why does everyone think the wife has it so good'.

 

Because I do.

 

I have a husband who adores and loves me and I respect and adore him.

 

He was angry and disillusioned, I brought him to his knees when I said I wanted a divorce.

 

The affair brought us both to our knees. Faith lifted us. She didn't matter, it could have been anyone offering themselves up to him.

 

So now I keep him locked in a basement and things are going fantastic!

[lostgirl87]

Yes, that's exactly it, he's doomed.

 

The title was ' Why does everyone think the wife has it so good'.

 

Because I do.

 

I have a husband who adores and loves me and I respect and adore him.

 

He was angry and disillusioned, I brought him to his knees when I said I wanted a divorce.

 

The affair brought us both to our knees. Faith lifted us. She didn't matter, it could have been anyone offering themselves up to him.

 

So now I keep him locked in a basement and things are going fantastic!

You're one of the lucky ones for sure! And he's more lucky to have you. Glad it worked it for y'all!

[AlwaysGrowing]

I was responding to another poster who said "his needs weren't being met at home" so that's why he had an affair. Context is important.

 

And yes, that to me would be way more hurtful than being an AP. and yes the BS has more work to do b/c she is married to a man who cheated on her and together they are trying to "fix it". That's not to mean a BS has work to do on herself but unless every single BS or WS on here is wrong, it takes 2 people working at the relationship to save the marriage.

 

I'm not saying an AP goes on to have infidelity free relationships b/c anyone can be cheated on. What I AM saying is most wouldn't get into another relationship where they are the AP...again. If they do, then they're just stupid. In my case, lesson learned and I won't be in that situation ever again. And honestly, I never thought I'd find myself in that situation to begin with. I've always despised cheaters.

 

This is where we differ.

 

For myself, I have found that wrongs against me are easier to work through/conceive than wrongs that I have committed. Letting myself down was the single largest blow to my sense of self. Self inflicted wrongs that went against my belief of what/who I am took me years to work through. I learned that I really didnt know myself at all. I didnt know how I "ticked" or why. I lived without really considering why I did or didnt act/think a certain way. I didnt understand that everything I do/do not do was completely my choice. I held childlike views of "everything happens for a reason", "s/he did that so they deserve this", "if I am not happy it is the fault of those around me", or "everyone deserves to BE happy".

 

Many FWS who are madhatters would say being the WS was much more soul crushing than when they were the BS. They had choice when they were the WS, they chose it, when there were many other options. It is hard to come to terms with. Choosing to betray.

 

Now, that is not to say all FWS/FAP get to that place. Those that do, hardly recognize the previous old "I", as they are that far removed in character/person from their former self.

 

Yes, BS have early self evaluation examination to do. Most is whether or not infidelity is a dealbreaker for them and acceptance that it occured in the marriage.

 

But, like I have already stated, there are folks who would rather be wielding the knife than to have one in their back. Maybe they view that as a powerful position, others like myself, view it as weak.

Edited July 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Arieswoman]

KK,

you said in your original post;

 

Why does everyone think the wife has it so good?

 

Firstly, I'm not sure that everyone does think that.

 

Secondly, the only thing the wife gains after DD is insight about her WSs character, which she can use to make decisions about her future life with/without him.

 

The AP already accepted that her lover was a cheater and entered the affair with that knowledge.

The wife did not know what her husbands proclivities were, so she did not have the information necessary to make informed choices.

 

When the spaghetti hits the windmill on DD everyone gets to be on the same footing

[sandylee1]

If he chose you over her, why is he still married to her?

 

Exactly

 

It's pure delusion. How can OW claim she was chosen when MM is firmly with his wife

 

When MM begged OW to leave him alone and stop pressuring him.

 

I guess human nature means you convince yourself to stop feeling you were used.

 

There was no choosing in this affair, because being with OW was not ever going to happen.

 

All these proclamations that "he loved me for most of his marriage" are just twaddle and wishful thinking.

Edited July 4, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

[shellybing]

I read this forum all the time. All of the stories seem the same or some version of the same. It seems so cut and dry what a lot of people think about the other woman/man. That they "deserve what they get." Etc...

 

Just wanted to ask a few questions.

 

• Are men really ONLY in it for sex? I mean come on. That can't be so. Couldn't it be possible that the man actually fell in love with the woman? Couldn't it be possible that they met someone, married them, loved them and then .. didn't love them anymore? Maybe it turned into a roommate thing. Maybe she was a ball busting control freak? Maybe the man (or woman but I'm using man scenario here) just met someone he liked better?? Maybe he fell in LOVE.

 

Not all men are in it for the sex, but it is a big deal for most men. I would have to say that, given I have spoken with alot of men online in chat rooms, being a friend, and on forums like this. I was married for a long long time, and for a lot of reasons we drifted apart. I did not cheat, but did find solace in talking to other married men and women who were no longer close to their spouse. I ended up leaving for sex, affection, attention.

 

So then what would be the right way to move on to someone else? What would be considered the right way to 'break up a home'? Or is the man expected to just stay in a marriage with someone who he doesn't love anymore? What is the right way for two people to get together if one of them is married to actually have a relationship with someone else without being labeled an

*******?

I would say that this would be up to the couple. If an open relationship is an option, go for it. If that is not an option that I would say that leaving before anything happened would be best. I think, the key here is to be "open" and "honest" about what is going on. The hurt feelings mostly come from the cheating and betrayel, so if everyone is open and honest about what is going on, a lot of that can be avoided.

 

Are they doomed to be with the one woman they married because they married her? Do feelings not change? Are you pegged for life. What is the RIGHT way to get out.

 

I would say being open and honest from the start would be the right way. If a person is married, and they have needs elsewhere - and cheating is a no-no in that particular relationship - Just be honest. Telling the person that they have needs and want to be single, or have met someone else - then they should go with the other person, rather than living a lie, and cheating.

 

• Why does everyone say that the wife calls the shots and has the man and will continue to have the man while the affair partner has nothing. Seems to me if I was married and my husband was cheating on me, I'd be the one feeling 'less than'. Maybe he stays because of kids or guilt or bills or money. How does that mean that the wife is so special. Just means she has his balls in a vice doesn't it?

The wife is obviously not special if they are married and the agreement is to be monogamous. I have heard a theory that men tend to "put their wives on pedestals" over time - and then end up feeling a lack of respect for themselves. They have desires that can no longer be met by the wife, because she is "above" all of that. It is hard to bang your wife in a dirty bathroom stall when the need arises, because the kids are waiting in the car, and she is wearing her new heels. They have steamy sexy desires, and some of that goes away over time. As for the "wife having his balls in a vice" - wives expect husbands to treat them and their relationships with respect. That is owed to them. If a man is out cheating on his wife - his balls are in a vice. If a woman is cheating on a man - she is a slut. That is a double standard if i have ever heard one. Women are not always controlling, women are not always cracking the whip. Some women, just ask for respect, and ask for their relationships to be respected. That does not mean "cracking a whip" it means 2 people are in a relationship that they should not be in - if one person wants to go out and play, and they other one is under the assumption that he is being a good partner.

 

• Why is it a crime to have fallen out of love with someone and in love with someone else.

 

It is not a crime. It feels more like failure. 2 people have spent their entire lives planning a future together, and some of it has taken its course and is underway. Falling out of love feels like losing your future, and can cause grief.

 

• Why does the other woman (man) get all the blame when they weren't the ones making any vows to anyone.

The other woman is not to blame. The person who is cheating is to blame. The other woman is an accessory.Again, being open and honest (to yourself and to eachother in a relationship is key)

 

• Do people really "own" another person because they have a piece of paper?

They do not "own" eachother, but there is alot at stake legally, especially if there are children involved.

 

• Why do you think more people don't stay single so they can do whatever and whoever they want?

I think people stay single because they are "waiting" for the right person, or because they simply do not want to get married and have a variety of choice. Monogamy is not for everyone. Some people like it, some don't. I choose to be in relationships sometimes if I think it is worth it, but I prefer to be single and do what I want because I do not like the stress of jealousy, pressure, and such.

 

What if you can't walk away. What if you are both insanely in love. Is it real? It is never real in this case?

 

You can always walk away. Sometimes it is more difficult than others, but you can always walk away. If two people are in love, then the third must be cut out. This is only given everyone is being open and honest. If there is cheating, and a man is married is he being honest? Has he said he will leave his wife? Is that indicative of his actions? Is he "actually" planning a divorce and to run away with the other woman, or is that just part of the fantasy. Some men get off on the thrill of cheating, it could all just be part of the story to continue on with the cheating.

 

 

Seems to me the wife is just as screwed as the other woman. He chooses to love, have sex with, fantasize about, dream of, share part of his life with the other woman (or damnit .. man) so how is the wife winning anything in this case? How is she faring any better than the other woman?

 

Nobody wins in this case. Ever. This is not sex and the city, this is IRL and there are always high stakes when people are married because of legalities.

[waterwoman]

I'm sorry but WTF???? Nobody thinks the wife has it 'so good'. Well no-one with any common sense or emotional intelligence at least. What on earth makes you think that.

 

I certainly didn't have it 'so good'. I was in pieces for ages. Yes, he chose to be with me and not the OW but that was never in doubt - and since I didn't have any choice to have an A that didn't feel that much of a victory for me.

 

You ask a lot of questions that have been asked and answered a million times on here and elsewhere. And apart from your strawman of an answering statement the answers to your questions are ..sometimes yes and sometimes no.

[waterwoman]

A fear of the unknown can definitely keep people together. with that kind of security and comfort, sometimes love isn't enough to leave.

 

And sometimes its enough to stay.

[lostgirl87]

And sometimes its enough to stay.

Absolutely. Every situation is different and unique in its own way.

[Chilli]

There can be any reason why he has an affair.

She might be a pain in the arse, he might not be able to talk to her anymore, might not be attracted to her anymore , might've been making him miserable for years, might be no closeness anymore or fun anymore, might have piled on weight or 50 other mixes and reasons.

So much can change or go wrong in marriage, it's hard stuff.

He could also still love and respect the person but not be in love anymore.

But leaving , there's he's kids , that is huge, ig you leave a marriage you destroy your children family , there's the house, financially, years and years together and history.

 

The affair w , they might get along really well and be really close, talk more, better, be heaps of fun, sexual or same again 50 other things.

[Starswillshine]

I definitely don't think us BS get the good end of the stick. We get our lives turned upside down and had zero hand in it. The OW, she gets to walk away and move on with her life. She didn't share a home, children (at least in most cases), families, retirement, etc. Years of life. Life intertwined. Sure, the ow has pain and heartbreak. But typically the time frame is much shorter than the marriage (again, in most cases).

Edited July 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic commentary ~T

[purplesorrow]

There can be any reason why he has an affair.

She might be a pain in the arse, he might not be able to talk to her anymore, might not be attracted to her anymore , might've been making him miserable for years, might be no closeness anymore or fun anymore, might have piled on weight or 50 other mixes and reasons.

So much can change or go wrong in marriage, it's hard stuff.

He could also still love and respect the person but not be in love anymore.

But leaving , there's he's kids , that is huge, ig you leave a marriage you destroy your children family , there's the house, financially, years and years together and history.

 

The affair w , they might get along really well and be really close, talk more, better, be heaps of fun, sexual or same again 50 other things.

 

He could also just be your run of the mill butt hole. Why does something have to be wrong with the spouse? If one is lying, cheating and deceiving, something is seriously wrong with that person.

[Starswillshine]

There can be any reason why he has an affair.

She might be a pain in the arse, he might not be able to talk to her anymore, might not be attracted to her anymore , might've been making him miserable for years, might be no closeness anymore or fun anymore, might have piled on weight or 50 other mixes and reasons.

So much can change or go wrong in marriage, it's hard stuff.

He could also still love and respect the person but not be in love anymore.

But leaving , there's he's kids , that is huge, ig you leave a marriage you destroy your children family , there's the house, financially, years and years together and history.

 

The affair w , they might get along really well and be really close, talk more, better, be heaps of fun, sexual or same again 50 other things.

 

I think there is another element that we never discuss on LS. If we make a list of all these things we want in a partner, we know that it is impossible to find someone who checks off every single thing on that list. And in some cases, our lists contradicts itself. Especially with men. So you find someone who hits the big points on your lists and you fall in love. Most healthy people recognize this and appreciate and are grateful that they have this person... some people still want it all. And since it is impossible to have it all, they take multiple people to check off all the boxes. Most men (this goes for single men) have the girls they want to have a boat load of fun with but they don't necessarily fit the one they want to marry and have children with. There is that whole madonna/whore complex. So you sow your oats, you find the wife material, you hit mid life and freak out... and you go find a 20-something that partying hard and reminds you of your youth. Etc.

 

(I just realized I rambled and went way off and started to project some.)

[stillafool]

I actually said "AT ONE POINT" chose someone else, as in when the affair was still happening. When he was picking fights with her or lying to her to get out of the house b/c I demanded to see him or I needed him. When she knew about the affair and he continued to speak to me and would find ways to see me regardless of what she was feeling.

 

And he's still married to her for several reasons: security, guilt, he cares for her, he has love for her, they have a history, families intertwined, etc.. Does he still call or send me "I love you"s talking about how unhappy he is and how much he's missing me? Yes. My response? "Figure yourself out and if you decide to man up and divorce, then you can call". She even called me and asked me to not speak to her husband if he reaches out. I don't know why either of them are still with the other.

 

Call me crazy but that doesn't sound like a husband I want.

 

Your statements are contradicting each other. So basically if he gets a divorce he will be the husband you want and the circle of cheating starts all over again with you as the BS.

[stillafool]

There can be any reason why he has an affair.

She might be a pain in the arse, he might not be able to talk to her anymore, might not be attracted to her anymore , might've been making him miserable for years, might be no closeness anymore or fun anymore, might have piled on weight or 50 other mixes and reasons.

So much can change or go wrong in marriage, it's hard stuff.

He could also still love and respect the person but not be in love anymore.

But leaving , there's he's kids , that is huge, ig you leave a marriage you destroy your children family , there's the house, financially, years and years together and history.

 

The affair w , they might get along really well and be really close, talk more, better, be heaps of fun, sexual or same again 50 other things.

 

So why do the MM who have no kids go back to the wife?

[lostgirl87]

Well him divorcing would be the only way I even speak to him again so that was more my way of getting him to stop this nonsense.

 

I do still love him. But my logical side says I don't want or need a man like him. That's what I'm listening to these days

[Chilli]

So why do the MM who have no kids go back to the wife?

 

Could be 100 reasons but maybe he realizes he still loves her.

[Chilli]

He could also just be your run of the mill butt hole. Why does something have to be wrong with the spouse? If one is lying, cheating and deceiving, something is seriously wrong with that person.

 

 

Yep , he could be too. There's plenty of female and male butt holes around ruining perfectly good marriages.

But , l was also married 20yrs and believe me, people change, saw heaps of it in mine and in everyone elses, so there's all that too is all l was saying.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

I think there is another element that we never discuss on LS. If we make a list of all these things we want in a partner, we know that it is impossible to find someone who checks off every single thing on that list. And in some cases, our lists contradicts itself. Especially with men. So you find someone who hits the big points on your lists and you fall in love. Most healthy people recognize this and appreciate and are grateful that they have this person... some people still want it all. And since it is impossible to have it all, they take multiple people to check off all the boxes. Most men (this goes for single men) have the girls they want to have a boat load of fun with but they don't necessarily fit the one they want to marry and have children with. There is that whole madonna/whore complex. So you sow your oats, you find the wife material, you hit mid life and freak out... and you go find a 20-something that partying hard and reminds you of your youth. Etc.

 

(I just realized I rambled and went way off and started to project some.)

 

 

Well , l dunno.

l've never had a list in my life , but if you read through the women on a date site , believe me they all have their list , 40 and 50 yr olds with this long list, they write it right it all up right there and ya just think wtf

 

but all l was saying is that people change, a whole whole lot , through marriage over years and years. especially physically.

l dunno if you've ever been married , but it is hard and becomes a slog with the kids and mortgage and you both change a lot not only physically but with each other.

Sometimes l wondered why people even got married if they could see ahead 20yrs.

And you often read and hear all this crap ideas about one partner chasing their youth and hey , some , yeah ,for sure , that's an MLC, women and men can go through that.

 

But there are also many other reasons why someone might have an affair .

Not that many people are actually happily married yaknow.

They did some stats , like don't they always for everything now haha, of course.

But it was only like 10 or 20% of married people that were actually happily married.

Well l've been there and seen that first hand and l'd say that's about right myself.

Hence , affairs for all sorts of reasons , not only because one or the other going through mlc.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Chilli

[K.K.]

I read this forum all the time. All of the stories seem the same or some version of the same. It seems so cut and dry what a lot of people think about the other woman/man. That they "deserve what they get." Etc...

 

Just wanted to ask a few questions.

 

• Are men really ONLY in it for sex? I mean come on. That can't be so. Couldn't it be possible that the man actually fell in love with the woman? Couldn't it be possible that they met someone, married them, loved them and then .. didn't love them anymore? Maybe it turned into a roommate thing. Maybe she was a ball busting control freak? Maybe the man (or woman but I'm using man scenario here) just met someone he liked better?? Maybe he fell in LOVE.

 

Not all men are in it for the sex, but it is a big deal for most men. I would have to say that, given I have spoken with alot of men online in chat rooms, being a friend, and on forums like this. I was married for a long long time, and for a lot of reasons we drifted apart. I did not cheat, but did find solace in talking to other married men and women who were no longer close to their spouse. I ended up leaving for sex, affection, attention.

 

So then what would be the right way to move on to someone else? What would be considered the right way to 'break up a home'? Or is the man expected to just stay in a marriage with someone who he doesn't love anymore? What is the right way for two people to get together if one of them is married to actually have a relationship with someone else without being labeled an

*******?

I would say that this would be up to the couple. If an open relationship is an option, go for it. If that is not an option that I would say that leaving before anything happened would be best. I think, the key here is to be "open" and "honest" about what is going on. The hurt feelings mostly come from the cheating and betrayel, so if everyone is open and honest about what is going on, a lot of that can be avoided.

 

Are they doomed to be with the one woman they married because they married her? Do feelings not change? Are you pegged for life. What is the RIGHT way to get out.

 

I would say being open and honest from the start would be the right way. If a person is married, and they have needs elsewhere - and cheating is a no-no in that particular relationship - Just be honest. Telling the person that they have needs and want to be single, or have met someone else - then they should go with the other person, rather than living a lie, and cheating.

 

• Why does everyone say that the wife calls the shots and has the man and will continue to have the man while the affair partner has nothing. Seems to me if I was married and my husband was cheating on me, I'd be the one feeling 'less than'. Maybe he stays because of kids or guilt or bills or money. How does that mean that the wife is so special. Just means she has his balls in a vice doesn't it?

The wife is obviously not special if they are married and the agreement is to be monogamous. I have heard a theory that men tend to "put their wives on pedestals" over time - and then end up feeling a lack of respect for themselves. They have desires that can no longer be met by the wife, because she is "above" all of that. It is hard to bang your wife in a dirty bathroom stall when the need arises, because the kids are waiting in the car, and she is wearing her new heels. They have steamy sexy desires, and some of that goes away over time. As for the "wife having his balls in a vice" - wives expect husbands to treat them and their relationships with respect. That is owed to them. If a man is out cheating on his wife - his balls are in a vice. If a woman is cheating on a man - she is a slut. That is a double standard if i have ever heard one. Women are not always controlling, women are not always cracking the whip. Some women, just ask for respect, and ask for their relationships to be respected. That does not mean "cracking a whip" it means 2 people are in a relationship that they should not be in - if one person wants to go out and play, and they other one is under the assumption that he is being a good partner.

 

• Why is it a crime to have fallen out of love with someone and in love with someone else.

 

It is not a crime. It feels more like failure. 2 people have spent their entire lives planning a future together, and some of it has taken its course and is underway. Falling out of love feels like losing your future, and can cause grief.

 

• Why does the other woman (man) get all the blame when they weren't the ones making any vows to anyone.

The other woman is not to blame. The person who is cheating is to blame. The other woman is an accessory.Again, being open and honest (to yourself and to eachother in a relationship is key)

 

• Do people really "own" another person because they have a piece of paper?

They do not "own" eachother, but there is alot at stake legally, especially if there are children involved.

 

• Why do you think more people don't stay single so they can do whatever and whoever they want?

I think people stay single because they are "waiting" for the right person, or because they simply do not want to get married and have a variety of choice. Monogamy is not for everyone. Some people like it, some don't. I choose to be in relationships sometimes if I think it is worth it, but I prefer to be single and do what I want because I do not like the stress of jealousy, pressure, and such.

 

What if you can't walk away. What if you are both insanely in love. Is it real? It is never real in this case?

 

You can always walk away. Sometimes it is more difficult than others, but you can always walk away. If two people are in love, then the third must be cut out. This is only given everyone is being open and honest. If there is cheating, and a man is married is he being honest? Has he said he will leave his wife? Is that indicative of his actions? Is he "actually" planning a divorce and to run away with the other woman, or is that just part of the fantasy. Some men get off on the thrill of cheating, it could all just be part of the story to continue on with the cheating.

 

 

Seems to me the wife is just as screwed as the other woman. He chooses to love, have sex with, fantasize about, dream of, share part of his life with the other woman (or damnit .. man) so how is the wife winning anything in this case? How is she faring any better than the other woman?

 

Nobody wins in this case. Ever. This is not sex and the city, this is IRL and there are always high stakes when people are married because of legalities.

 

 

I got a lot out of this post. I appreciate it. Thank you. I got a lot out of allll the posts. Thank you so much.

 

It opened my eyes what the betrayed spouse has to deal with. I don't think she has it good. It was just irritating to me that the other woman is treated less than human by all that find out about the affair. I mean completely less than human. Nobody sets out to hurt people. But what do they say- the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

So basically, if he falls out of love with his wife for whatever reasons, he should leave first and then find someone. But we all know it almost never works that way. So if he does fall in love with another while married, he should set his wife down and tell her? Before he sleeps with the other woman. Who are we kidding- that's not going to happen either most likely. It's just the way it is.

 

I think the married person wants to be caught so that they get the decision decided for them in some cases. But usually the wife decides to keep him. That is what she feels is right. But the heartache probably never ends for her. Meanwhile the other woman eventually does move on.

 

So being caught in a D day is the worst that you can do to the wife then I guess. Even telling her beforehand that they've fallen for another would be better than that.

 

What a mess.

 

But this happens over and over and over again. The heart wants what it wants and will do anything to get it. Even lower themselves to sleeping with a married person.

 

I was one of those people that said not me. I thought I was too good to ever be caught up in such deceitful sh*t. But here I am. Sometimes it sneaks up on you before you can turn away.

 

We haven't slept together yet. We both know that once we go there, there's no turning back. No denying it if need be. I've left him alone for months at a time because I couldn't deal with the sickening feelings I have about it. But I know it's coming. He tells me all the same things that all married men tell their other women. His actions are matching his words after all this time though and I want to believe. But I'm not completely stupid. I read this forum. So I don't know where to go from here.

 

The last time I quit talking to him was torture. I kept thinking I was doing the right thing. Leaving him alone so he could resume with his wife. But God I missed him so much I thought I would die or end up in a nut farm.

 

Now I know I'm rambling .. but all I can see are his beautiful eyes. He's gorgeous. Beautiful. The sexiest man I've ever known. Now I bet some women maybe wouldn't even see him that way. But for me he is.

 

I need him. I want him. I have one life to live. One. I just need him in my bed. Gone out of my mind with love. Lovesick. I can't turn back. If all I can ever have from him is to hold him and make love to him sometimes, then that's all I will have.

 

It's better than never seeing him again wondering what if.

 

I know I'm probably in for a world of hurt. But I'm telling ya, the devil himself charging up out of the gates of hell on FIRE couldn't drag me away from this man.

[lostgirl87]

I got a lot out of this post. I appreciate it. Thank you. I got a lot out of allll the posts. Thank you so much.

 

It opened my eyes what the betrayed spouse has to deal with. I don't think she has it good. It was just irritating to me that the other woman is treated less than human by all that find out about the affair. I mean completely less than human. Nobody sets out to hurt people. But what do they say- the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

So basically, if he falls out of love with his wife for whatever reasons, he should leave first and then find someone. But we all know it almost never works that way. So if he does fall in love with another while married, he should set his wife down and tell her? Before he sleeps with the other woman. Who are we kidding- that's not going to happen either most likely. It's just the way it is.

 

I think the married person wants to be caught so that they get the decision decided for them in some cases. But usually the wife decides to keep him. That is what she feels is right. But the heartache probably never ends for her. Meanwhile the other woman eventually does move on.

 

So being caught in a D day is the worst that you can do to the wife then I guess. Even telling her beforehand that they've fallen for another would be better than that.

 

What a mess.

 

But this happens over and over and over again. The heart wants what it wants and will do anything to get it. Even lower themselves to sleeping with a married person.

 

I was one of those people that said not me. I thought I was too good to ever be caught up in such deceitful sh*t. But here I am. Sometimes it sneaks up on you before you can turn away.

 

We haven't slept together yet. We both know that once we go there, there's no turning back. No denying it if need be. I've left him alone for months at a time because I couldn't deal with the sickening feelings I have about it. But I know it's coming. He tells me all the same things that all married men tell their other women. His actions are matching his words after all this time though and I want to believe. But I'm not completely stupid. I read this forum. So I don't know where to go from here.

 

The last time I quit talking to him was torture. I kept thinking I was doing the right thing. Leaving him alone so he could resume with his wife. But God I missed him so much I thought I would die or end up in a nut farm.

 

Now I know I'm rambling .. but all I can see are his beautiful eyes. He's gorgeous. Beautiful. The sexiest man I've ever known. Now I bet some women maybe wouldn't even see him that way. But for me he is.

 

I need him. I want him. I have one life to live. One. I just need him in my bed. Gone out of my mind with love. Lovesick. I can't turn back. If all I can ever have from him is to hold him and make love to him sometimes, then that's all I will have.

 

It's better than never seeing him again wondering what if.

 

I know I'm probably in for a world of hurt. But I'm telling ya, the devil himself charging up out of the gates of hell on FIRE couldn't drag me away from this man.

Oh bless your heart. If you think it's tough now it'll be harder the longer you stay. If his actions are matching his words, then let him come to you as a single man.

 

I'm not judging. I love my MM and I should be ashamed to say this but I don't regret the relationship I had with him. We DO love each other. He was my best friend. Nobody here will understand it and will diminish it and that's ok b/c i know what we had/have. But I do wish our timing had been different. I do wish that before I got in so deep, i would've backed off and done things the right way. However if I had to choose between never having known him or the affair, I'd choose th affair a million times over. Again, sorry to whoever is offended by that.

 

All I say to you is give yourself some time and soace. It'll suck in the beginning. You'll feel like you're dying. You won't be able to breathe, you'll have to take 5-6 sleeping pills in 1 night but that won't compare to the hurt you'll feel if you continue with him and have DDay drama or a forced breakup.

 

Good luck! Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.

[NikonRN]

I got a lot out of this post. I appreciate it. Thank you. I got a lot out of allll the posts. Thank you so much.

 

It opened my eyes what the betrayed spouse has to deal with. I don't think she has it good. It was just irritating to me that the other woman is treated less than human by all that find out about the affair. I mean completely less than human. Nobody sets out to hurt people. But what do they say- the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

So basically, if he falls out of love with his wife for whatever reasons, he should leave first and then find someone. But we all know it almost never works that way. So if he does fall in love with another while married, he should set his wife down and tell her? Before he sleeps with the other woman. Who are we kidding- that's not going to happen either most likely. It's just the way it is.

 

I think the married person wants to be caught so that they get the decision decided for them in some cases. But usually the wife decides to keep him. That is what she feels is right. But the heartache probably never ends for her. Meanwhile the other woman eventually does move on.

 

So being caught in a D day is the worst that you can do to the wife then I guess. Even telling her beforehand that they've fallen for another would be better than that.

 

What a mess.

 

But this happens over and over and over again. The heart wants what it wants and will do anything to get it. Even lower themselves to sleeping with a married person.

 

I was one of those people that said not me. I thought I was too good to ever be caught up in such deceitful sh*t. But here I am. Sometimes it sneaks up on you before you can turn away.

 

We haven't slept together yet. We both know that once we go there, there's no turning back. No denying it if need be. I've left him alone for months at a time because I couldn't deal with the sickening feelings I have about it. But I know it's coming. He tells me all the same things that all married men tell their other women. His actions are matching his words after all this time though and I want to believe. But I'm not completely stupid. I read this forum. So I don't know where to go from here.

 

The last time I quit talking to him was torture. I kept thinking I was doing the right thing. Leaving him alone so he could resume with his wife. But God I missed him so much I thought I would die or end up in a nut farm.

 

Now I know I'm rambling .. but all I can see are his beautiful eyes. He's gorgeous. Beautiful. The sexiest man I've ever known. Now I bet some women maybe wouldn't even see him that way. But for me he is.

 

I need him. I want him. I have one life to live. One. I just need him in my bed. Gone out of my mind with love. Lovesick. I can't turn back. If all I can ever have from him is to hold him and make love to him sometimes, then that's all I will have.

 

It's better than never seeing him again wondering what if.

 

I know I'm probably in for a world of hurt. But I'm telling ya, the devil himself charging up out of the gates of hell on FIRE couldn't drag me away from this man.

 

I can relate, but be prepared for the intense lonliness, the roller coaster ride, the hot and cold and the many betrayed spouses on this forum who will point their fingers at you and add to those feelings.