Why does everyone think the wife has it so good

[Chilli]

Yeah , of course he or she , whichever one is unhappy , should work all that out with their h or w first and then go start new.

That would be the way to go .

 

But sadly , very few people do.

Either wife or husband end up in an affair first,and then they leave usually for the new person, that's the most common scenario from what l've seen.

 

So l can well understand peoples views with the other man or women.

Because if your messing with a married person he or she , your probably destroying a family that might have survived if you didn't mess with him or her in the first place.

Because he or she probably would've stayed and worked on the marriage , if not for the affair.

 

Marriage goes through 100s of highs and lows and affairs usually turn up in the lows.

[shellybing]

I got a lot out of this post. I appreciate it. Thank you. I got a lot out of allll the posts. Thank you so much.

 

It opened my eyes what the betrayed spouse has to deal with. I don't think she has it good. It was just irritating to me that the other woman is treated less than human by all that find out about the affair. I mean completely less than human. Nobody sets out to hurt people. But what do they say- the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

 

Marriage is a serious thing to go in to. When relatives and friends, etc find this out it is obviously going to hurt some feelings. It is both the fault of the married person and the OW/OM. Yes, we are all certainly human, but marriage is supposed to be protected. It is supposed to feel protected, safe, and secure. The reason people get so pissed off and angry, is because this is "theirs" given we are all humans of our own selves and we are not "owned" we are in a sacred and beloved relationship when we are married. Someone intruding on that is not only annoying, but changes our whole lives.

 

And this is okay. It really is. Marriage is a peice of paper, literally. It is bonds that hold it together. If this man were bonded with his wife he would not need OW.

 

So basically, if he falls out of love with his wife for whatever reasons, he should leave first and then find someone. But we all know it almost never works that way. So if he does fall in love with another while married, he should set his wife down and tell her? Before he sleeps with the other woman. Who are we kidding- that's not going to happen either most likely. It's just the way it is.

 

 

I think the married person wants to be caught so that they get the decision decided for them in some cases. But usually the wife decides to keep him. That is what she feels is right. But the heartache probably never ends for her. Meanwhile the other woman eventually does move on.

 

This could be the case, it could be a number of different things as well though. And, news - the heart ache will end for her. Maybe not quickly - but she will move on too.

So being caught in a D day is the worst that you can do to the wife then I guess. Even telling her beforehand that they've fallen for another would be better than that.

 

I rarely works that way, but it SHOULD work that way!

 

What I think, is that people lie to themselves and to others to avoid "facing the music" It is a term that my dad used to teach me - it means to own up to it and face the consequences. That's not always easy. For me, it is - but that's how I was raised.

 

What a mess.

 

But this happens over and over and over again. The heart wants what it wants and will do anything to get it. Even lower themselves to sleeping with a married person.

 

I was one of those people that said not me. I thought I was too good to ever be caught up in such deceitful sh*t. But here I am. Sometimes it sneaks up on you before you can turn away.

 

We haven't slept together yet. We both know that once we go there, there's no turning back. No denying it if need be. I've left him alone for months at a time because I couldn't deal with the sickening feelings I have about it. But I know it's coming. He tells me all the same things that all married men tell their other women. His actions are matching his words after all this time though and I want to believe. But I'm not completely stupid. I read this forum. So I don't know where to go from here.

 

The last time I quit talking to him was torture. I kept thinking I was doing the right thing. Leaving him alone so he could resume with his wife. But God I missed him so much I thought I would die or end up in a nut farm.

 

Now I know I'm rambling .. but all I can see are his beautiful eyes. He's gorgeous. Beautiful. The sexiest man I've ever known. Now I bet some women maybe wouldn't even see him that way. But for me he is.

 

I need him. I want him. I have one life to live. One. I just need him in my bed. Gone out of my mind with love. Lovesick. I can't turn back. If all I can ever have from him is to hold him and make love to him sometimes, then that's all I will have.

 

It's better than never seeing him again wondering what if.

 

I know I'm probably in for a world of hurt. But I'm telling ya, the devil himself charging up out of the gates of hell on FIRE couldn't drag me away from this man.

 

 

Mind if I ask what HIS response is when you stop talking to him?

[shellybing]

I really have a hard time with such long opinions, so I apologize for just using your text to q & a

 

I am not judging you or your choices, I am hoping to help you understand what you need to know based on my own experiences and friends experiences.

 

I think it is right for you to be getting advice in the situation you are in.

 

I am sorry this is hard - it must be difficult for everyone involved.

[Chilli]

l don;t know how the wife has it good , or the kids when their family is destroyed and they have to grow up the way divorced families kids have to grow up.

[stillafool]

The wife doesn't have it good... Neither does the OW... But even in situations that aren't great, we can all find a way to cope and one of those is convincing yourself (and others) that poor MM is staying out of obligation, despite his undying love for his mistress.

 

The truth can be a bitter pill to swallow. I get it.

 

We see here on LS MM/MW who come here to expose their affairs and the first thing we tell them is to tell the truth to their betrayed spouses, divorce and go with the OM/OW. They agree on page 1 of their thread to come clean and ask for divorce and by page 20 they have convinced us that they actually do love and wish to stay with their spouse. Even after they have told the spouse of their affair and the spouse kicks them out the WS all of a sudden wants to try MC, IC and anything else to save their marriage. So it isn't a matter of the W holding him hostage to save the marriage. It's a matter of when the WS is faced with the reality of losing their marriage what is waiting all of a sudden doesn't look as appealing. I don't know if it was the exposure of the affair that took some of the heat out of it or what but we see this all the time with both MM and MW. As far as the BS taking them back that is their prerogative as this is the person who asked to marry them, bought a ring, had a ceremony and pledged their love in front of friends and family. If kids were born through their union it makes it even more serious. So they should not be blamed for forgiving their spouse.

[wmacbride]

Look, I get that people don't ask to fall in love, but using the line " the heart wants what it wants" to somehow rationalize behavior is, at least in my opinion, bunk. For proof of that, picture telling the kids that will be hurt by the A " sorry you have been hurt, but my heart wanted what it wanted". Still sound like a justification?

 

I don't believe that people are somehow simply drawn along, unable to stop themselves. An affair happens because the two people in it wanted it to happen. Neither on ow/om or a ws is an automaton who couldn't control their actions. The paradox of the situation is that a bs who accepts that his or her ws made the decision to cheat stands a better chance of reconciling. It it not a pleasant truth to face for any reason, but it is what it is.

 

I really don't think it's something you can understand unless you have been there. I know that sounds snarky, but it's true.

[mercy]

but to be a wife and having to ask the other woman to not answer her own husband's calls is pathetic. She flat out said to me "if we don't work out then he's all yours but I want to try". Like wtf??

 

 

I got a little teary eyed reading that. Such pain that woman must be in.

 

lostgirl, he doesn't deserve you. You may end up with gray hair waiting for him to 'man up' (whatever that means) I just don't think he has it in him.

 

And if you respond to this post, please address me as, little miss mercy. That was just too cute!

[K.K.]

"Mind if I ask what HIS response is when you stop talking to him?"

 

I had just asked him was I supposed to keep waiting around for him never seeing anyone else and he told me that he would be "distraught" if I went out with someone else but would understand. Sure, maybe big of him to say but you know... I'd have rather him have said oh man it would kill me. lol. Anything but what he said.

 

I got so mad that I just blurted out how he's the one that did this to his wife not me. That I felt sorry for her. That he was the one that married her, knifed her in her back. I told him that I was glad we didn't end up together because he probably would've cheated on me too!

 

I told him to stay the hell away from me and that I was GONE.

 

So you know what he did?

 

He stayed the hell away from me. :-/ He didn't fight to have me back. He didn't speak a word. Three months of this. Then I decided that I missed his lips. I missed his hugs. I missed the banter. It was eating a hole in me.

 

So I just started talking to him again one day. I asked him why he would make no attempt to talk to me. He said that after what I said, he thought I was long gone and wasn't going to talk to me if I said stay away. He said he had been in turmoil those three months. He said he was scared to talk to me. Thought I would come down on him with an iron hammer. He was also "offended" by what I said.

 

He's scared of a lot of things this guy.

 

Ever since then it's like he's changed his tune completely. He says he could never let me go again. Now he's at the other extreme- he flat out says that he wants to be caught by his wife. He wants her to catch him talking to me. He wants everybody to know. He says he's dragged his feet before but he's all in now. He looks at me and cries with emotion. He tells me he loves me constantly and misses me. Calls me when I've told him not to because now I'm the one that's scared and not so sure that I want him all to myself and really don't need any trouble from the wife. It took him years to get on board. He's thrown me under the bus before. When we were only friends. She had gotten a stupid text message that he meant for me. It was just a dumb jokey message. She called me and demanded that I stop talking to her husband. He didn't talk to me for months and months. I always thought he was such a wimp for that. She's also watched his every move ever since then and now he resents her for it. She controls his every move. He is only now breaking free. I mean really, if you have to CALL a stranger and tell her to not talk to your husband you have problems. I mean that's bad. She treated him like a 5 year old and scolded me over him being my friend. And that's ALL we were. In some ways, she brought this on herself with that phone call. I couldn't believe he had to live like that and so my feelings for him blossomed and grew. And I hated her for scolding me. And all bets were now off.

 

I don't trust this situation though. I don't want any D-Day.

 

I don't know what I want really and he's pushing and pushing for her to find out and throw him out so can be with me (so he says)

 

I think that's cowardly as hell.

 

I know I want him in some capacity, but like I said before, once we have sex, I know there's no going back. I'm feeling rushed and I simply can't believe all that he tells me based on our history.

 

He told me that it took him longer to fall in love with me than it did me -him. He had just married her a year before we met. I've loved him almost as long as she has. I never thought he'd tire of her but I guess he has. But now he's "all in" with me and gone crazy trying to make it happen.

 

I know it may not sound like it in this post but I'm apesh*it crazy for this man. And have been for years. From the outside, he looks like one of the most stand up guys you'd ever meet and he is in a lot of ways. I'm just trying to keep it real by telling you the parts that do embarrass me to even say or remember.

 

I am afraid, yes. Of all of it. I know the advice given will be to stay away from him obviously. But I can't.

 

So it just goes on and on.

 

It is an addiction for sure.

[whatnot]

"Why does everyone think the wife has it so good"

 

 

My ex girl friend was married 12 years to a serial cheater. She finally divorced him.

 

She got a 3 million dollar lump sum payment and 15k dollars a month child support for 13 years.

 

Now I'm not saying she wasn't hurt. But let's face facts. That's not a bad consolation prize. She's a nurse.

 

The court system has traditionally favored the wife in any divorce proceeding.

 

That's beginning to change however...

[whatnot]

Last I heard....she was back in his employ at his practice....as a nurse....making 6 figures. Not a bad gig for a nurse...if you can get it.

[knabe]

"Why does everyone think the wife has it so good"

 

 

My ex girl friend was married 12 years to a serial cheater. She finally divorced him.

 

She got a 3 million dollar lump sum payment and 15k dollars a month child support for 13 years.

 

Now I'm not saying she wasn't hurt. But let's face facts. That's not a bad consolation prize. She's a nurse.

 

The court system has traditionally favored the wife in any divorce proceeding.

 

That's beginning to change however...

 

 

Good for her. A serial cheater OUGHT to pay out the nose.

[K.K.]

^

 

Right because she OWNS him after all. Jesus. **** marriage.

[whatnot]

Good for her. A serial cheater OUGHT to pay out the nose.

That's an opinion based on an emotional foundation. Rationality be dammed....this is war baby.

 

Which is why the courts should be changing. The legal system should not be based on emotion.

[BluesPower]

"Why does everyone think the wife has it so good"

 

My ex girl friend was married 12 years to a serial cheater. She finally divorced him.

 

She got a 3 million dollar lump sum payment and 15k dollars a month child support for 13 years.

 

Now I'm not saying she wasn't hurt. But let's face facts. That's not a bad consolation prize. She's a nurse.

 

The court system has traditionally favored the wife in any divorce proceeding.

 

That's beginning to change however...

 

 

They still favor women almost exclusively with little or not proof that they deserve what they get.

 

 

It is completely ridicules...

[wmacbride]

"Mind if I ask what HIS response is when you stop talking to him?"

 

I had just asked him was I supposed to keep waiting around for him never seeing anyone else and he told me that he would be "distraught" if I went out with someone else but would understand. Sure, maybe big of him to say but you know... I'd have rather him have said oh man it would kill me. lol. Anything but what he said.

 

I got so mad that I just blurted out how he's the one that did this to his wife not me. That I felt sorry for her. That he was the one that married her, knifed her in her back. I told him that I was glad we didn't end up together because he probably would've cheated on me too!

 

I told him to stay the hell away from me and that I was GONE.

 

So you know what he did?

 

He stayed the hell away from me. :-/ He didn't fight to have me back. He didn't speak a word. Three months of this. Then I decided that I missed his lips. I missed his hugs. I missed the banter. It was eating a hole in me.

 

So I just started talking to him again one day. I asked him why he would make no attempt to talk to me. He said that after what I said, he thought I was long gone and wasn't going to talk to me if I said stay away. He said he had been in turmoil those three months. He said he was scared to talk to me. Thought I would come down on him with an iron hammer. He was also "offended" by what I said.

 

He's scared of a lot of things this guy.

 

Ever since then it's like he's changed his tune completely. He says he could never let me go again. Now he's at the other extreme- he flat out says that he wants to be caught by his wife. He wants her to catch him talking to me. He wants everybody to know. He says he's dragged his feet before but he's all in now. He looks at me and cries with emotion. He tells me he loves me constantly and misses me. Calls me when I've told him not to because now I'm the one that's scared and not so sure that I want him all to myself and really don't need any trouble from the wife. It took him years to get on board. He's thrown me under the bus before. When we were only friends. She had gotten a stupid text message that he meant for me. It was just a dumb jokey message. She called me and demanded that I stop talking to her husband. He didn't talk to me for months and months. I always thought he was such a wimp for that. She's also watched his every move ever since then and now he resents her for it. She controls his every move. He is only now breaking free. I mean really, if you have to CALL a stranger and tell her to not talk to your husband you have problems. I mean that's bad. She treated him like a 5 year old and scolded me over him being my friend. And that's ALL we were. In some ways, she brought this on herself with that phone call. I couldn't believe he had to live like that and so my feelings for him blossomed and grew. And I hated her for scolding me. And all bets were now off.

 

I don't trust this situation though. I don't want any D-Day.

 

I don't know what I want really and he's pushing and pushing for her to find out and throw him out so can be with me (so he says)

 

I think that's cowardly as hell.

 

I know I want him in some capacity, but like I said before, once we have sex, I know there's no going back. I'm feeling rushed and I simply can't believe all that he tells me based on our history.

 

He told me that it took him longer to fall in love with me than it did me -him. He had just married her a year before we met. I've loved him almost as long as she has. I never thought he'd tire of her but I guess he has. But now he's "all in" with me and gone crazy trying to make it happen.

 

I know it may not sound like it in this post but I'm apesh*it crazy for this man. And have been for years. From the outside, he looks like one of the most stand up guys you'd ever meet and he is in a lot of ways. I'm just trying to keep it real by telling you the parts that do embarrass me to even say or remember.

 

I am afraid, yes. Of all of it. I know the advice given will be to stay away from him obviously. But I can't.

 

So it just goes on and on.

 

It is an addiction for sure.

 

Love isn't always enough. You may love this guy so much it nearly kills you to stay away from him.

 

Does he love you the same way? I don't know, but consider this, If he loves you, why is he putting you through all of this crap? He can see it's hurting you ( or at least, anyone with common sense could figure it out) and yet he continues to ask you to go through all of this heartache for a future he may or may not be able to provide.

 

That doesn't sound loving to me. It sounds cruel.

[Redhead14]

Put yourself in his or her shoes . . . You are married to them and they are cheating . . . how does that work for you?

[shellybing]

"Mind if I ask what HIS response is when you stop talking to him?"

 

I had just asked him was I supposed to keep waiting around for him never seeing anyone else and he told me that he would be "distraught" if I went out with someone else but would understand. Sure, maybe big of him to say but you know... I'd have rather him have said oh man it would kill me. lol. Anything but what he said.

 

I got so mad that I just blurted out how he's the one that did this to his wife not me. That I felt sorry for her. That he was the one that married her, knifed her in her back. I told him that I was glad we didn't end up together because he probably would've cheated on me too!

 

I told him to stay the hell away from me and that I was GONE.

 

So you know what he did?

 

He stayed the hell away from me. :-/ He didn't fight to have me back. He didn't speak a word. Three months of this. Then I decided that I missed his lips. I missed his hugs. I missed the banter. It was eating a hole in me.

 

So I just started talking to him again one day. I asked him why he would make no attempt to talk to me. He said that after what I said, he thought I was long gone and wasn't going to talk to me if I said stay away. He said he had been in turmoil those three months. He said he was scared to talk to me. Thought I would come down on him with an iron hammer. He was also "offended" by what I said.

 

He's scared of a lot of things this guy.

 

Ever since then it's like he's changed his tune completely. He says he could never let me go again. Now he's at the other extreme- he flat out says that he wants to be caught by his wife. He wants her to catch him talking to me. He wants everybody to know. He says he's dragged his feet before but he's all in now. He looks at me and cries with emotion. He tells me he loves me constantly and misses me. Calls me when I've told him not to because now I'm the one that's scared and not so sure that I want him all to myself and really don't need any trouble from the wife. It took him years to get on board. He's thrown me under the bus before. When we were only friends. She had gotten a stupid text message that he meant for me. It was just a dumb jokey message. She called me and demanded that I stop talking to her husband. He didn't talk to me for months and months. I always thought he was such a wimp for that. She's also watched his every move ever since then and now he resents her for it. She controls his every move. He is only now breaking free. I mean really, if you have to CALL a stranger and tell her to not talk to your husband you have problems. I mean that's bad. She treated him like a 5 year old and scolded me over him being my friend. And that's ALL we were. In some ways, she brought this on herself with that phone call. I couldn't believe he had to live like that and so my feelings for him blossomed and grew. And I hated her for scolding me. And all bets were now off.

 

 

So here, you know what you want. You want this guy without his wife.

And, secondly - you are not a stranger. You are obviously good friends and this relationship has intruded on this marriage. The things you talk about with him take away from the the things and feelings he should be sharing with his wife. Because that is what creates the sacred bonds. If you were not respectful of someone's marriage, then you were simply not respectful of the marriage. You were a threat to their marriage, and she knew it, and she did say something and hold him to a consequence. If she had not held him to a consequence, then he would have continued. She talked to him, had conversations, and he respected them by not talking to you anymore. She was not holding him in a "vice" so to speak. She was seeing the threat and nipping it in the bud. It obviously has continued.

I don't trust this situation though. I don't want any D-Day.

 

I don't know what I want really and he's pushing and pushing for her to find out and throw him out so can be with me (so he says)

I think that's cowardly as hell.

 

You made your bed - you lie in it. That is all I have to say about that.

 

 

I know I want him in some capacity, but like I said before, once we have sex, I know there's no going back. I'm feeling rushed and I simply can't believe all that he tells me based on our history.

 

He told me that it took him longer to fall in love with me than it did me -him. He had just married her a year before we met. I've loved him almost as long as she has. I never thought he'd tire of her but I guess he has. But now he's "all in" with me and gone crazy trying to make it happen.

 

I know it may not sound like it in this post but I'm apesh*it crazy for this man. And have been for years. From the outside, he looks like one of the most stand up guys you'd ever meet and he is in a lot of ways. I'm just trying to keep it real by telling you the parts that do embarrass me to even say or remember.

 

I am afraid, yes. Of all of it. I know the advice given will be to stay away from him obviously. But I can't.

 

So it just goes on and on.

 

It is an addiction for sure.

 

ruining someone's marriage over an addiction to someone else (which is unhealthy in itself) is a horrible thing to do. Period.

[shellybing]

It sounds like he was never ready to marry this woman to begin with if he let an intruder into his marriage after only a year.

 

But, that being said - you should have been respectful of their relationship to begin with.

 

How can you be so "addicted" to someone you have not had sex with yet?

-if there is no physical intimacy, and you cannot accept a platonic relationship, then you need to move on and let them be. Find yourself someone new that is single.

 

Do you really think this man loves you and is going to be with you? What makes you think that if you DO land him, he will be any different. Don't you think if he tires of a woman whom he married, that he will tire of you too?

[elaine567]

It all boils down to a cost benefit analysis and at the moment her marriage is the thing she wants to save and to her he is worth holding onto and fighting for.

Plenty women never want to get divorced for all sorts of reasons, from "He is the "love of my life" and I will never leave him", to purely "business" or religious or family reasons.

They may all have told her "Don't marry this guy, he is no good" and she is holding on like grim death just to prove them all wrong...

[sandylee1]

It makes me wonder what the heck it is that keeps her tied to him.

 

 

In general terms....

 

The desire to win the husband/booby prize can take over.

 

Sometimes a BW knows she's done, but wants to end it on her own terms, in her own time.

 

She can live with the marriage ending and her husband being with another woman, but not the one who he had an affair with.

 

It's also a way of trying to gain a little control and assert yourself after a betrayal.

 

Must feel a tad good to tell the OW, she can have the cheater if it doesn't work out.

 

Kind of like getting hand me downs.

 

Sometimes I just shake my head when I hear the depth of betrayals and yet the BS stays.

 

I was supporting a woman whose husband cheated on his stag night and continued contact with the OW on the honeymoon... Yet and was trying to work things out.

 

Inside me I was saying "are you mad?", but I calmly told her she could get an annulment under the circumstances.

 

Another factor is that male infidelity is more acceptable in numerous African, Hispanic, Carribean and Asian cultures.

 

In fact it is accepted and expected, as long as he's discreet, it's not seen as a big deal.

[wmacbride]

In general terms....

 

The desire to win the husband/booby prize can take over.

 

Sometimes a BW knows she's done, but wants to end it on her own terms, in her own time.

 

She can live with the marriage ending and her husband being with another woman, but not the one who he had an affair with.

 

It's also a way of trying to gain a little control and assert yourself after a betrayal.

 

Must feel a tad good to tell the OW, she can have the cheater if it doesn't work out.

 

Kind of like getting hand me downs.

 

Sometimes I just shake my head when I hear the depth of betrayals and yet the BS stays.

 

I was supporting a woman whose husband cheated on his stag night and continued contact with the OW on the honeymoon... Yet and was trying to work things out.

 

Inside me I was saying "are you mad?", but I calmly told her she could get an annulment under the circumstances.

 

Another factor is that male infidelity is more acceptable in numerous African, Hispanic, Carribean and Asian cultures.

 

In fact it is accepted and expected, as long as he's discreet, it's not seen as a big deal.

 

I have met women from these cultures, and the really sad thing is not one of the wives found it as "acceptable" , even though their male dominated culture tells them they should be.

 

All this does is make them feel guilty for feeling hurt.

[anika99]

"Mind if I ask what HIS response is when you stop talking to him?"

 

I had just asked him was I supposed to keep waiting around for him never seeing anyone else and he told me that he would be "distraught" if I went out with someone else but would understand. Sure, maybe big of him to say but you know... I'd have rather him have said oh man it would kill me. lol. Anything but what he said.

 

I got so mad that I just blurted out how he's the one that did this to his wife not me. That I felt sorry for her. That he was the one that married her, knifed her in her back. I told him that I was glad we didn't end up together because he probably would've cheated on me too!

 

I told him to stay the hell away from me and that I was GONE.

 

So you know what he did?

 

He stayed the hell away from me. :-/ He didn't fight to have me back. He didn't speak a word. Three months of this. Then I decided that I missed his lips. I missed his hugs. I missed the banter. It was eating a hole in me.

 

So I just started talking to him again one day. I asked him why he would make no attempt to talk to me. He said that after what I said, he thought I was long gone and wasn't going to talk to me if I said stay away. He said he had been in turmoil those three months. He said he was scared to talk to me. Thought I would come down on him with an iron hammer. He was also "offended" by what I said.

 

He's scared of a lot of things this guy.

 

Ever since then it's like he's changed his tune completely. He says he could never let me go again. Now he's at the other extreme- he flat out says that he wants to be caught by his wife. He wants her to catch him talking to me. He wants everybody to know. He says he's dragged his feet before but he's all in now. He looks at me and cries with emotion. He tells me he loves me constantly and misses me. Calls me when I've told him not to because now I'm the one that's scared and not so sure that I want him all to myself and really don't need any trouble from the wife. It took him years to get on board. He's thrown me under the bus before. When we were only friends. She had gotten a stupid text message that he meant for me. It was just a dumb jokey message. She called me and demanded that I stop talking to her husband. He didn't talk to me for months and months. I always thought he was such a wimp for that. She's also watched his every move ever since then and now he resents her for it. She controls his every move. He is only now breaking free. I mean really, if you have to CALL a stranger and tell her to not talk to your husband you have problems. I mean that's bad. She treated him like a 5 year old and scolded me over him being my friend. And that's ALL we were. In some ways, she brought this on herself with that phone call. I couldn't believe he had to live like that and so my feelings for him blossomed and grew. And I hated her for scolding me. And all bets were now off.

 

I don't trust this situation though. I don't want any D-Day.

 

I don't know what I want really and he's pushing and pushing for her to find out and throw him out so can be with me (so he says)

 

I think that's cowardly as hell.

 

I know I want him in some capacity, but like I said before, once we have sex, I know there's no going back. I'm feeling rushed and I simply can't believe all that he tells me based on our history.

 

He told me that it took him longer to fall in love with me than it did me -him. He had just married her a year before we met. I've loved him almost as long as she has. I never thought he'd tire of her but I guess he has. But now he's "all in" with me and gone crazy trying to make it happen.

 

I know it may not sound like it in this post but I'm apesh*it crazy for this man. And have been for years. From the outside, he looks like one of the most stand up guys you'd ever meet and he is in a lot of ways. I'm just trying to keep it real by telling you the parts that do embarrass me to even say or remember.

 

I am afraid, yes. Of all of it. I know the advice given will be to stay away from him obviously. But I can't.

 

So it just goes on and on.

 

It is an addiction for sure.

 

Come on now. You know all this nonsense about how he wants his wife to find out, wants her to catch him talking to you, is pushing and pushing for her to find out is really just a bunch of nonsense right? I mean if he really wanted her to find out he could just tell her and if for some bizarre reason he doesn't want to be honest but wants to be caught, he could make that happen right now, in 5 minutes flat. He wants her to catch him talking to you? Okay so why isn't he asking you to call him when she is with him? Why doesn't he call you when she is with him and just start talking sweet to you right in front of her? That would be a good way for her to catch him talking to you don't you think?

 

He could have you mail him love letters to his house. Address the envelope to him and then right in big red ink on the other side "to the love of my life" and then put big red hearts and lipstick kisses all over it. That would be good way to get caught. Hell if you don't want do it he could mail himself love letters. He could write you a racy email and then "accidently" leave it open on the home computer. He could send his wife a anonymous email pretending to be a concerned friend who just wants to let her know that her husband is cheating on her. He could let her find condoms in his jeans when she does the laundry. He could take you out in public where he knows some nosy family member or friend is going to be. Then just start kissing all over you and let witnesses tell his wife. OMG I could go on all night with super easy ways for him to get caught, if thats what he really wanted.

 

He's not being a coward because he wants his wife to catch him. He doesn't want his wife to catch him. If you doubt this then call him right now and ask him if you can call his wife right away and tell her all about yourself and your affair with her husband. If he calls your bluff and says go ahead then follow through and do it. Let us know how that goes.

[Sweetfish]

If he is will willing to leave his wife... he will always be willing to leave you. Don't understand a woman who will fall in love with someone who is not loyal. Its like your best friend is a thief, but because he is your best friend there is no way he will steal from you right. You paint him as an out standing guy but he is a cheater and you feel free of guilt because you are not doing the cheating... But remember when he is pounding you, later he will be pounding his wife. You can cut this story out to look like a lifetime story and have all these people coddle you.. but the real question is why don't you find someone who can 100% commit to you and not split the difference between two women

 

You are simply a side chick and will always be a side chick. No matter how many excuses you make and how many times he says he loves you and cries. He will not leave her for you and if he does it will be a conflicting and difficult situation.

 

These situations always and usually end up bad... everyday your investing more time and heart into something that will probably fail and even if he does divorce his wife it is often that the guy will dump both women..

Edited July 6, 2017 by Sweetfish

[shellybing]

I agree with an awful lot of what you say. It makes me wonder what the heck it is that keeps her tied to him.

 

It is sad how affairs can hurt all three parties.

 

My personal opinion is that the cheater plays both ends of the deal here.

 

I am pretty sure that he is getting all that he can from his wife as well.

-I have been there myself, as the wife.

He puts this guilt on you, like you are not doing enough and these women who are intruding are supposedly "normal." There is usually a constant barrage of women over time and through the years, and it can get upsetting. But after all of the fighting and asking for respect, and explaining why it is not okay to be disrespectful (That does not mean not speaking to other women, but it means being respectful and acknowleding your relationship). Then there are fights and long arguements, and discussions that never end. It is a circle that never ends on the wife's end. It gives him constant fuel to go to the other woman for sympathy. . . .But the woman feel obligated, overwhelmed, confused. That is what is going on with the wife. He does that to her so that he has room to cheat. So when he is out cheating, she is probably happy to have a break from the discussion, the awkwardness, and all that. If there is anything holding this woman to her husband it is a.)finances b.)kids or c.) she is just too caught up in working on what "they have discussed" trying to be a "good wife"

 

But that is only my personal experience, I am sure other's have had the same experiences with that.

[somanymistakes]

 

So then what would be the right way to move on to someone else? What would be considered the right way to 'break up a home'? Or is the man expected to just stay in a marriage with someone who he doesn't love anymore? What is the right way for two people to get together if one of them is married to actually have a relationship with someone else without being labeled an *******?

 

Are they doomed to be with the one woman they married because they married her? Do feelings not change? Are you pegged for life. What is the RIGHT way to get out.

 

There is no right way to get out, everyone is going to judge the married person no matter what.

 

Had sex with the AP while still married? Everyone will rant they're a horrible person who could have "done the right thing" and gotten divorced first.

 

Didn't have sex with the AP while still married? Everyone will still rant that it was cheating because you were having an EMOTIONAL affair and you're just as horrible a person for leaving your spouse for someone else.

 

Weren't even carrying on an emotional affair before the divorce? Everyone will STILL rant that you're a horrible person because you committed adultery in your heart by noticing that someone else attractive existed.

 

Leave the marriage because your wife has turned abusive? People on this forum will argue that it's your fault because you looked at another woman and this upset her and drove her to do it, you're still a terrible person. (this line of reasoning has actually been posted in the infidelity forum. and yes, I used gendered terms here because some posters only seem to recognise that violent jealousy is bad when it's done by men. as a card-carrying feminist i stand on the side of 'it's bad regardless of gender'!)

 

Didn't leave the marriage for the AP right away? Well, that proves it isn't love or they'd do anything to be with you.

 

Did leave the marriage for the AP right away? Well, that proves it isn't love because the WS is clearly not capable of love or commitment so they'll cheat on you just as quickly in the future.

 

There is literally no scenario you can invent where people here aren't going to be down on the WS for being a horrible adulterer.

 

AND THAT'S OKAY.

 

The forum is allowed to hate adultery, and people are allowed to carry on their lives anyway. Don't twist yourself in knots trying to get the approval of strangers who don't really understand your life.