Why does everyone think the wife has it so good

[thefooloftheyear]

There is no right way to get out, everyone is going to judge the married person no matter what.

 

Had sex with the AP while still married? Everyone will rant they're a horrible person who could have "done the right thing" and gotten divorced first.

 

Didn't have sex with the AP while still married? Everyone will still rant that it was cheating because you were having an EMOTIONAL affair and you're just as horrible a person for leaving your spouse for someone else.

 

Weren't even carrying on an emotional affair before the divorce? Everyone will STILL rant that you're a horrible person because you committed adultery in your heart by noticing that someone else attractive existed.

 

Leave the marriage because your wife has turned abusive? People on this forum will argue that it's your fault because you looked at another woman and this upset her and drove her to do it, you're still a terrible person. (this line of reasoning has actually been posted in the infidelity forum. and yes, I used gendered terms here because some posters only seem to recognise that violent jealousy is bad when it's done by men. as a card-carrying feminist i stand on the side of 'it's bad regardless of gender'!)

 

Didn't leave the marriage for the AP right away? Well, that proves it isn't love or they'd do anything to be with you.

 

Did leave the marriage for the AP right away? Well, that proves it isn't love because the WS is clearly not capable of love or commitment so they'll cheat on you just as quickly in the future.

 

There is literally no scenario you can invent where people here aren't going to be down on the WS for being a horrible adulterer.

 

AND THAT'S OKAY.

 

The forum is allowed to hate adultery, and people are allowed to carry on their lives anyway. Don't twist yourself in knots trying to get the approval of strangers who don't really understand your life.

 

 

Very well said....

 

TFY

[purplesorrow]

There is no right way to get out, everyone is going to judge the married person no matter what.

 

Had sex with the AP while still married? Everyone will rant they're a horrible person who could have "done the right thing" and gotten divorced first.

 

Didn't have sex with the AP while still married? Everyone will still rant that it was cheating because you were having an EMOTIONAL affair and you're just as horrible a person for leaving your spouse for someone else.

 

Weren't even carrying on an emotional affair before the divorce? Everyone will STILL rant that you're a horrible person because you committed adultery in your heart by noticing that someone else attractive existed.

 

Leave the marriage because your wife has turned abusive? People on this forum will argue that it's your fault because you looked at another woman and this upset her and drove her to do it, you're still a terrible person. (this line of reasoning has actually been posted in the infidelity forum. and yes, I used gendered terms here because some posters only seem to recognise that violent jealousy is bad when it's done by men. as a card-carrying feminist i stand on the side of 'it's bad regardless of gender'!)

 

Didn't leave the marriage for the AP right away? Well, that proves it isn't love or they'd do anything to be with you.

 

Did leave the marriage for the AP right away? Well, that proves it isn't love because the WS is clearly not capable of love or commitment so they'll cheat on you just as quickly in the future.

 

There is literally no scenario you can invent where people here aren't going to be down on the WS for being a horrible adulterer.

 

AND THAT'S OKAY.

 

The forum is allowed to hate adultery, and people are allowed to carry on their lives anyway. Don't twist yourself in knots trying to get the approval of strangers who don't really understand your life.

 

Should they get a pat on the back for putting other people through unnecessary pain? Be an adult, handle your relationship as such. I wish my ex would have just said he was unhappy and left. At least I could have respected him after so many years together.

[somanymistakes]

Should they get a pat on the back for putting other people through unnecessary pain?

 

Of course not.

 

Be an adult, handle your relationship as such. I wish my ex would have just said he was unhappy and left. At least I could have respected him after so many years together.

 

Definitely better than sleeping with someone else while still being with you, IMO.

 

But no matter what course someone chooses, the end of the relationship is almost certainly going to cause pain. No matter how maturely he handled it, if you came here and posted that he'd left you and broken your heart, people would be sympathetic and probably slag him off a bit.

 

Searching for the "perfect" way to break up with someone is kind of pointless. It's going to cause pain, some people are going to blame you, you just have to shoulder that and go on. You can't expect a pat on the back no matter what.

[Timshel]

The forum is allowed to hate adultery, and people are allowed to carry on their lives anyway. Don't twist yourself in knots trying to get the approval of strangers who don't really understand your life.

 

Of course....and to elaborate, don't twist yourself in knots for the approval of any person, if you are a sane and reasonable human being.

 

Reading this thread, what gives me pause is the vitriol directed toward the betrayed spouse. "Life must suck for her," "how pathetic," and so on.

 

The underlying current is of competition. *I* am better than her, the only reason he is with *her* is this or that.

This contradicts a nonjudgmental and compassionate disposition and the irony is difficult to ignore.

 

No matter the true nature of any one affair, whether or not there is sincere love and intention/...the desire to have the unwitting partner perceived as being stupid, pathetic, controlling and the arbiter/stumbling block to 'true love' exemplifies weakness imo.

 

There are people who are forthright and honest in their relationships and actually do so without histrionics, excuses or dragging themselves or others over the mountains and through the woods.

 

Good luck OP.

[purplesorrow]

Of course not.

 

 

 

Definitely better than sleeping with someone else while still being with you, IMO.

 

But no matter what course someone chooses, the end of the relationship is almost certainly going to cause pain. No matter how maturely he handled it, if you came here and posted that he'd left you and broken your heart, people would be sympathetic and probably slag him off a bit.

 

Searching for the "perfect" way to break up with someone is kind of pointless. It's going to cause pain, some people are going to blame you, you just have to shoulder that and go on. You can't expect a pat on the back no matter what.

 

It's really not pointless to treat yourself, your marriage and your spouse with respect by exiting before screwing someone else. He could have expected to maintain the friendship and mutual respect had he left without exposing himself to be a deceiver. His affair hurt way more than the divorce. It doesn't matter what other people said, we were the only two that should matter. I don't need anyone's sympathy.

[somanymistakes]

It's really not pointless to treat yourself, your marriage and your spouse with respect by exiting before screwing someone else.

 

I agree!

 

I'm sorry if it sounds otherwise I sometimes get distracted when trying to make a point and it can sound like I mean something different because I'm obsessed with trying to split hairs.

 

I was trying to point out that sometimes posters get angry about emotional-only affairs and say that they may as well have had sex because it's just as bad, if not worse. I don't think that reaction is helpful, but it does happen, so people can't expect that the forum will praise them for their restraint just because they didn't have sex.

 

I still definitely think they SHOULD wait and not have sex while married.

 

I'll stop now, if I repeat myself I'll probably shoot myself in the foot

[aileD]

I read this forum all the time. All of the stories seem the same or some version of the same. It seems so cut and dry what a lot of people think about the other woman/man. That they "deserve what they get." Etc...

 

Just wanted to ask a few questions.

 

• Are men really ONLY in it for sex?not all men but a great deal. Even when there is love involved I'm willing to bet there's a great majority of men that would end things if the OW cut off sex I mean come on. That can't be so. Couldn't it be possible that the man actually fell in love with the woman? yesCouldn't it be possible that they met someone, married them, loved them and then .. didn't love them anymore? yes Maybe it turned into a roommate thing. Maybe she was a ball busting control freak? Maybe the man (or woman but I'm using man scenario here) just met someone he liked better?? Maybe he fell in LOVE. yup all those things could happen

 

 

So then what would be the right way to move on to someone else? end the first relationship honestly before you start the next one What would be considered the right way to 'break up a home'? file for divorce just like millions of people do every day Or is the man expected to just stay in a marriage with someone who he doesn't love anymore? no, that's what divorce is for What is the right way for two people to get together if one of them is married to actually have a relationship with someone else without being labeled an *******? there isn't a right way. The "right" way is to end one relationship before embarking on another

 

Are they doomed to be with the one woman they married because they married her? no, again. Divorce was invented so this doesn't happenDo feelings not change? sure they can Are you pegged for life. no, again. Divorce exists and is pretty commonWhat is the RIGHT way to get out. file for divorce and end the marriage

 

• Why does everyone say that the wife calls the shots and has the man and will continue to have the man while the affair partner has nothing. be sure if he really wanted to not be in the marriage then he would have just gotten divorced. And since he doesn't want that most times, he's willing to do what the wife wants to save his marriage Seems to me if I was married and my husband was cheating on me, I'd be the one feeling 'less than'. oh believe me. It destroys your soulMaybe he stays because of kids or guilt or bills or money. How does that mean that the wife is so special. Just means she has his balls in a vice doesn't it? no, it just means he made a conscious decision for his life to stay in his marriage for whatever reasons are important to him

 

• Why is it a crime to have fallen out of love with someone and in love with someone else. its not a crime to fall out of love. It's not a crime to fall in love with someone else while married, it's just bad character to cheat

 

• Why does the other woman (man) get all the blame when they weren't the ones making any vows to anyone. because the MM needs to blame you to save his marriage, and the BW needs to blame you because it's easier to hate someone you don't know

 

• Do people really "own" another person because they have a piece of paper? no. Even with a piece of paper no one is owned but you do have legal rights from that paper

 

• Why do you think more people don' stay single so they can do whatever and whoever they want? because no one wants to be alone....really alone. And most people have good intentions when they get married but don't realize what marriage really is, not all the roses and rainbows all the time

 

What if you can't walk away. What if you are both insanely in love. Is it real? It is never real in this case? could be real...but hard to know because the situation you are in is not based in reality. Only way to know for sure if it's REAL is to do it right, be single and date each other , enter a relationship and do real life unbidden and with all the crap that comes along with real world

 

Seems to me the wife is just as screwed as the other woman. He chooses to love, have sex with, fantasize about, dream of, share part of his life with the other woman (or damnit .. man) so how is the wife winning anything in this case? well, he still is choosing the wife. She's still the one he sleeps to, shares finances and will be buried next to. She's still the one he'll dump you for when push comes to shove. how is she faring any better than the other woman?im sure each case is different, but she's not faring well because affairs hurt everyone involved.

.

 

My answers in bold

Edited July 6, 2017 by aileD

[Redhead14]

Both the betrayed spouse and the OW/OM are being cheated . . . both are being used.

[Starswillshine]

I don't get the competition thing going on in this thread? Affairs are crappy. We all lose. No one comes out happy. It is painful. Whether the WS stays with the B.S. or the OW. There are a few affair "success" stories on here and all but one poster will tell you it was hard and painful.

 

And to the posters calling the BS weak and pathetic for keeping their WS.... I find that just odd. Considering in most cases, you would jump to him if his wife gave him the boot. I don't think it is right nor healthy to consider the BS weak/pathetic when you would be willing to do the same... and in actuality have been putting up with that behavior. The BS wasn't aware that he was cheating, the OW is aware... maybe the OW doesn't feel as if the MM is cheating on them with their wives, but isn't it pretty much the same? Especially in cases where he future fakes?

[K.K.]

I don't think the bs is weak. My point in the original post is that people are always saying how the man runs home to his wife while the other woman is alone. It's like 'ha ha you are nothing.' But I mean really, he has to go home sometimes doesn't he. Maybe home isn't a calm nice place. Maybe home is a hellhole. He still has to go there sometimes to maintain the picture of marriage so the wife doesn't find out. At least until he decides what he wants to do.

 

The other woman isn't nothing. If she was, he wouldn't risk everything to be with her- to see her when he can.

 

Maybe it is just sex. Maybe it's just recapturing all those 'in love' feelings that he used to have for the wife until kids and dirty laundry and dishes in the sink took it away after so long.

 

Or maybe he goes home because it is nice and calm. Somewhere he can kick his shoes off and just be himself without having to be 'on' all the time. Maybe that is enough to keep him there. I'm learning from this thread that it is. Security is, I guess, hard to give up. Even for sex and warm fuzzy feelings for someone else.

 

And yea.. even if the other woman "lands" him. How long would it be before she turns into the nagging wife where the sex goes away and he once again looks elsewhere to feed his need for the in love feelings and the sex.

 

I'm in a bad place today. I'm lying around feeling like an idiot. My married man is off to Florida with his wife and her kid. He'll probably be walking along the beach with her, eating fancy dinners with her and other things I can't even bare to think about. And I'm lying here with my stomach in my throat.

 

This is why I always quit talking to him. I just don't think I'm cut out for this. It hurts. Being second best. Trying to compete with their history.

 

And just as I finish that last line, he texts me- "I love you and I'm missing you terribly". He's a million miles away and she is right there with him and he texts me.

 

And I'm right back in again. F*ck!!!!

 

[elaine567]

I'm in a bad place today. I'm lying around feeling like an idiot. My married man is off to Florida with his wife and her kid. He'll probably be walking along the beach with her, eating fancy dinners with her and other things I can't even bare to think about. And I'm lying here with my stomach in my throat.

 

This is why I always quit talking to him. I just don't think I'm cut out for this. It hurts. Being second best. Trying to compete with their history.

 

And just as I finish that last line, he texts me- "I love you and I'm missing you terribly". He's a million miles away and she is right there with him and he texts me.

 

And I'm right back in again. F*ck!!!!

 

 

You have to realise that that text took approx 5 secs to send.

He probably sent it when his wife went to the toilet...

 

Meanwhile while you are basking in the light of a few short words from him, he is having a great holiday with his wife and kid in the sunshine.

 

Don't you think you deserve more than the time it took him to send that text?

[Starswillshine]

This is why affairs suck. Gotta read into actions and words which typically contradict each other.

 

My H was up front with his OW. Told her he was happily married and was never going to leave and had no desire to leave. That he loved me and that our marriage was great. (This came from her and even after her trying to do everything in her power to split us up, the never wavered from that, so I believe them both on that...and maybe that is the ONLY thing I can believe because that is where their stories stop aligning). But his actions probably told her another story. Why, if his marriage is so great, is he pursuing me? Why, if he loves her so much, does he continue to risk his marriage by staying in touch? Etc. Etc. He wanted us both. She provided him with an escape and that escape was addictive (But also.... there is always the element, once you enter into an affair, you have to be VERY careful how you exit.... see the countless threads here where the OW wants to tell the wife).

 

I can't tell you what your MM is thinking. But no doubt he knows you are upset that he is with his wife on vacation. Maybe he cares a good deal about you and sent you that note because he knows you are hurting and he feels bad. Or.... he knows you are upset and he is worried you will go off the deep end and tell his wife, so he gives you a sweet note to calm you down. So you think you are winning.... he is sitting next to her thinking about you... And now you are calmer about it. He can be with her, as long as he is thinking about you.

 

Who knows.... I can't say for sure. What I can say.... affairs suck the soul out of all parties involved. And it goes further.... kids, parents, etc. Nothing good comes from an affair.

[Timshel]

K.K., what kind of man is this though? He can't leave because his wife won't let him....she is almighty OZ behind the curtain? He is afraid of her?

What logic is this, that a man who is not in fear for his physical safety to blame the mother of his children as some behemoth to tip toe, shhh, don't wake the thing or else....what?

Effeminate, if that's what your into but this is point blank unbelievable to an objective mind.

 

What a wuss. Seriously, I do not know how you can keep a straight face while he informs you how to stay vigilant and waiting while he is off living his life.

 

How sad for his wife that while they are on vacation, enjoying their children and having romance that he is less than a twit and should lose both of you.

 

As far as 'I'll lose the house and see my kids half the time' crowd;

I can only reiterate, what an idiot. It's done frequently, unfortunately and the key is authenticity.

 

What kind of man would choose being a liar over losing his home?

[aileD]

Both the betrayed spouse and the OW/OM are being cheated . . . both are being used.

 

The difference is that the OW is aware and consents to being used (even though she may not think she is being used) while in most cases the BS has no idea they are being used

[wmacbride]

I don't think the bs is weak. My point in the original post is that people are always saying how the man runs home to his wife while the other woman is alone. It's like 'ha ha you are nothing.' But I mean really, he has to go home sometimes doesn't he. Maybe home isn't a calm nice place. Maybe home is a hellhole. He still has to go there sometimes to maintain the picture of marriage so the wife doesn't find out. At least until he decides what he wants to do.

 

The other woman isn't nothing. If she was, he wouldn't risk everything to be with her- to see her when he can.

 

Maybe it is just sex. Maybe it's just recapturing all those 'in love' feelings that he used to have for the wife until kids and dirty laundry and dishes in the sink took it away after so long.

 

Or maybe he goes home because it is nice and calm. Somewhere he can kick his shoes off and just be himself without having to be 'on' all the time. Maybe that is enough to keep him there. I'm learning from this thread that it is. Security is, I guess, hard to give up. Even for sex and warm fuzzy feelings for someone else.

 

And yea.. even if the other woman "lands" him. How long would it be before she turns into the nagging wife where the sex goes away and he once again looks elsewhere to feed his need for the in love feelings and the sex.

 

I'm in a bad place today. I'm lying around feeling like an idiot. My married man is off to Florida with his wife and her kid. He'll probably be walking along the beach with her, eating fancy dinners with her and other things I can't even bare to think about. And I'm lying here with my stomach in my throat.

 

This is why I always quit talking to him. I just don't think I'm cut out for this. It hurts. Being second best. Trying to compete with their history.

 

And just as I finish that last line, he texts me- "I love you and I'm missing you terribly". He's a million miles away and she is right there with him and he texts me.

 

And I'm right back in again. F*ck!!!!

 

 

This makes me mad at him for you.

 

He knows you left behind and feeling bad, and he sends you a short text to placate you and keep you waiting, even though you are hurting?

 

How can he do that to someone who loves him? Whatever his feelings may or may not be for you, why does he feel it's okay for you to feel like crap while he;s out having fun, and then to try and salve his self image and to keep you holding on, he sends you a text? How did he think that was supposed to make you feel?

 

That's really rotten of him.

[sandylee1]

I don't see why leaving an unhappy marriage would result in blame on anyone.

 

My brother and many others I know have amicably left unhappy marriages and no fingers have been pointed or blame cast.

 

His Ex wasn't thrilled, but she accepted he wasn't happy with her.

 

He wanted to be happy and left. No OW. They had young children, there was never divorce in our family before that and it cost him and still costs him.... But he left and found happiness.

 

For those that don't... I question what the difference is. Why can't they leave unhappy marriages.

 

Some reasons are that they place more value on the views of other people... They seek approval for their actions... These aren't great signs for a partner, as it's a clear indication of how they handle such situations.

 

They are not being true to themselves and speaking out to express what they want. It's cowardly behaviour and in a man.. It's not that attractive.

 

That's assuming he actually wants to leave and isn't happy having 2 women to juggle.

 

What bull from the man who wants his wife to catch him talking to the OW. As Jeremy Kyle says, he needs to grow a pair and man up.

 

He wants to be thrown out and doesn't have it in him to end his marriage... Is that the kind of man you really want.

[elaine567]

The other woman isn't nothing. If she was, he wouldn't risk everything to be with her- to see her when he can.

 

That is often the hook.

"He must love me a lot to risk his whole life to spend the time with me."

 

BUT what he is often doing is a calculated risk, he has all the bases covered, and maybe there is very little actual risk involved at all.

MM may be a lot of things but most are not that stupid.

If his OW thinks he is taking massive risks FOR her then I guess he will not want to burst that bubble.

[thefooloftheyear]

I didn't read the entire thread and don't know the whole story, but these stories all play out the same, when put here for analysis...

 

All female posters(and some men) label the guy the devil with horns, "he's having sex with his wife"(which he may not be), and the only viable scenario is that he drops everything cold, abandons his entire life and runs off with the woman...No other scenario is acceptable...I get it...There is this "sisterhood" undercurrent that believes every guy needs to do things on their terms, and they feel like every guy that does this is just "getting over"(some are and some aren't)....It's understandable, I suppose...Women are more apt to drop everything when they meet someone, but in many cases, it's because they have less to lose..

 

I'm not justifying anything here...but it's real simple....

 

Either you believe in him and this scenario, or you don't...Period and end of story...The reality is that many(Id even say potentially most) people that wind up eventually divorced, did so because someone else caught their fancy..Sure, they may have been other problems, but that's usually the final impetus..I know more than one guy that currently are together with women they were seeing before they divorced.. Some for many years..You don't hear of them on here, because they had a plan in place, everyone was on board, and therefore no need for the histrionics...They aren't concerned with judgement from others...That's their life and they did what they thought worked best for them..

 

There are no rules in this game...Basically anything goes,..Single people often wind up with other single people that screw them over in a variety of ways..Some way worse than this....Just take a look at the stories on here, and see what goes down....People that promise others the moon and the stars, only to leave them holding the bag...People often waste years with others for nothing but lies...Its not just these scenarios that can end horribly....ANY could...

 

OP....With any relationship out there, you will have to accept some risk...This is no different ...Like stated, I didn't read the entire thread...If you feel he's just playing you, and you don't want to be played, then get out of it...If you believe in him, but can't handle it the way it is now, then get out....At the end of the day, its not what anyone says on here that really matters...They can go about their lives and you have to make the decisions that work best for you..

 

TFY

Edited July 7, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[knabe]

I don't see why leaving an unhappy marriage would result in blame on anyone.

 

My brother and many others I know have amicably left unhappy marriages and no fingers have been pointed or blame cast.

 

His Ex wasn't thrilled, but she accepted he wasn't happy with her.

 

He wanted to be happy and left. No OW. They had young children, there was never divorce in our family before that and it cost him and still costs him.... But he left and found happiness.

 

For those that don't... I question what the difference is. Why can't they leave unhappy marriages.

 

Some reasons are that they place more value on the views of other people... They seek approval for their actions... These aren't great signs for a partner, as it's a clear indication of how they handle such situations.

 

They are not being true to themselves and speaking out to express what they want. It's cowardly behaviour and in a man.. It's not that attractive.

 

That's assuming he actually wants to leave and isn't happy having 2 women to juggle.

 

What bull from the man who wants his wife to catch him talking to the OW. As Jeremy Kyle says, he needs to grow a pair and man up.

 

He wants to be thrown out and doesn't have it in him to end his marriage... Is that the kind of man you really want.

 

A big bunch of people will tell you that religion is what keeps them married while unhappy.

 

Of course, not leaving for religious reasons and then going ahead and committing adultery requires an astounding level of cognitive dissonance.

[stillafool]

A big bunch of people will tell you that religion is what keeps them married while unhappy.

 

Of course, not leaving for religious reasons and then going ahead and committing adultery requires an astounding level of cognitive dissonance.

 

But in God's eyes once adultery has been committed the marriage vows are broken and you've been abandoned. So people using the excuse "God says" is bull. Nothing is keeping them in the marriage but themselves.

[wmacbride]

A big bunch of people will tell you that religion is what keeps them married while unhappy.

 

Of course, not leaving for religious reasons and then going ahead and committing adultery requires an astounding level of cognitive dissonance.

 

The human ability to rationalize crappy behavior knows no bounds.

[somanymistakes]

A big bunch of people will tell you that religion is what keeps them married while unhappy.

 

Of course, not leaving for religious reasons and then going ahead and committing adultery requires an astounding level of cognitive dissonance.

 

it's simple - if they get a divorce their friends and families and neighbors will know that they failed to live up to their idea of good religious standards! but as long as the affair is secret they can still LOOK good even while not BEING good...

 

It's not always explicitly that, but I think that's a factor for many people. Less concerned with what's actually the right thing to do than they are with how things look on the outside.

[thefooloftheyear]

i

It's not always explicitly that, but I think that's a factor for many people. Less concerned with what's actually the right thing to do than they are with how things look on the outside.

 

True...

 

But it's also been my experience that there is sympathy, support, understanding and concern for divorced women, and guys are usually seen as selfish, unfair, lacking compassion, "letting down the family" etc...

 

Doesn't really matter who initiated, or the circumstances, of what happened, this seems to be the norm in many cases.....About the only case where the woman is seen in a bad light is if she was known to be abusive or slept with every guy in town...

 

Not really sure why this is....and id imagine some guys take this into account..

 

TFY

[aileD]

A big bunch of people will tell you that religion is what keeps them married while unhappy.

 

Of course, not leaving for religious reasons and then going ahead and committing adultery requires an astounding level of cognitive dissonance.

 

Yup. Those two just cancel each other out and is just another line of bull****

[aileD]

But in God's eyes once adultery has been committed the marriage vows are broken and you've been abandoned. So people using the excuse "God says" is bull. Nothing is keeping them in the marriage but themselves.

 

God only releases the person that was cheated on. So you can't say "I cheated on my wife therefore adultery happened so God says I can divorce". What the Bible actually says is that the wife of the adulterer can divorce...but even if She does...that doesn't relaease the cheater from their marriage convenent and even if they are divorced and he goes on to remarry--he will still be committing adultery with his new wife in gods eyes. (Ignore pronouns).