knabe Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 But in God's eyes once adultery has been committed the marriage vows are broken and you've been abandoned. So people using the excuse "God says" is bull. Nothing is keeping them in the marriage but themselves. You know, I read this a lot. I have never encountered ANY religious person who actually believes that one person cheating actually makes them divorced. Because it doesn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 True... But it's also been my experience that there is sympathy, support, understanding and concern for divorced women, and guys are usually seen as selfish, unfair, lacking compassion, "letting down the family" etc... Doesn't really matter who initiated, or the circumstances, of what happened, this seems to be the norm in many cases.....About the only case where the woman is seen in a bad light is if she was known to be abusive or slept with every guy in town... Not really sure why this is....and id imagine some guys take this into account.. TFY That's funny, because I see the opposite. We probably see based on our own biases. BUT you do have a point. A man with children automatically takes a hit if he divorces because most of the time he gets screwed on custody. Things are slowly changing, but it all depends on geography. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 God only releases the person that was cheated on. So you can't say "I cheated on my wife therefore adultery happened so God says I can divorce". What the Bible actually says is that the wife of the adulterer can divorce...but even if She does...that doesn't relaease the cheater from their marriage convenent and even if they are divorced and he goes on to remarry--he will still be committing adultery with his new wife in gods eyes. (Ignore pronouns). I think I made my point badly. I didn't intend a theologically sound discussion. All I was saying is that there ARE people who divorce simply because "they are unhappy" who are scorned and even shunned by their churches and/or other believers because they didn't divorce for a biblical reason. I wasn't even talking about divorcing AFTER cheating. Bottom line, while it makes more sense to ME to divorce instead of cheat, some people are going to have all sorts of reasons not to. But those reasons should also be reasons not to cheat. "I'm staying married for the kids" should easily translate into "I'm not going to be a cheating scuzzy example for my kids." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 You know, I read this a lot. I have never encountered ANY religious person who actually believes that one person cheating actually makes them divorced. Because it doesn't. No one said that it "makes" them divorce. I am talking about people who blame being cheated on and staying in a bad marriage on God's rules. If their spouse cheated they are released from the marriage in God's eyes so that excuse doesn't fly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 No one said that it "makes" them divorce. I am talking about people who blame being cheated on and staying in a bad marriage on God's rules. If their spouse cheated they are released from the marriage in God's eyes so that excuse doesn't fly. Yes. WE get that. But I sadly know of a few couples who have experienced cheating, and the BS was told that they should "forgive as God forgives" and "not to break the covenant." Be glad if you haven't been exposed to this kind of legalism. I also have a friend who was abused by her hubby, and she was told to pray for him and submit more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K.K. Posted July 7, 2017 Author Share Posted July 7, 2017 The whole religion thing doesn't even come into play here I don't believe. Not that I'm an atheist or anything. I believe in God. I just choose to hope God would forgive me of my supposed sins when I take my last breath. But then again I'm a baptist. lol. My mm is Catholic though. But I don't think religion comes into play with him either. We don't go to church. Lust is a sin. Thinking of someone is a sin. What isn't a sin. Shoot... Let's face it ... I'm going to hell in a hand basket anyway. Might as well live first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
shellybing Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 A big bunch of people will tell you that religion is what keeps them married while unhappy. Of course, not leaving for religious reasons and then going ahead and committing adultery requires an astounding level of cognitive dissonance. I think there is alot of cognitive dissonance going on in here. :eek: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 A big bunch of people will tell you that religion is what keeps them married while unhappy. Of course, not leaving for religious reasons and then going ahead and committing adultery requires an astounding level of cognitive dissonance. Yup. My MM couldn't leave his miserable marriage due to religion and vows, but he could commit adultery for 5 years. He is still there and absolutely miserable, but will die sticking to his vow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 Yup. My MM couldn't leave his miserable marriage due to religion and vows, but he could commit adultery for 5 years. He is still there and absolutely miserable, but will die sticking to his vow. He's gonna have fun explaining that one to god when he dies ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 • Why is it a crime to have fallen out of love with someone and in love with someone else. IMO, it's a crime because when you're committed to somebody in a relationship or a marriage, then you should not even be putting yourself in a position where you can fall in love with another person. Like having talk sessions on the phone, or going on several one-on-one meetings. If you think somebody else might be a better fit, then break it off, and pursue that other person and deal with the consequences of losing the first. Of course, that's just my opinion. Infidelity and affairs are almost a badge of honor to some people. Different folks, different strokes. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I think there is alot of cognitive dissonance going on in here. :eek: I know. People will justify a lot of things, even illegal things, when it fits their agenda. I've seen that kind of crazy first hand. Yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 That's funny, because I see the opposite. We probably see based on our own biases. BUT you do have a point. A man with children automatically takes a hit if he divorces because most of the time he gets screwed on custody. Things are slowly changing, but it all depends on geography. I hear this a lot form men, and I call bull@#$^ on it as an excuse for cheating. If a man is so terrified that he might have to pay child support or lose everything in a divorce, then why is he making a conscious decision to do the one thing that could lead to a very messy and acrimonious divorce. I can only speak for me, but if my husband came to me and said he was unhappy and wanted a divorce, sure I'd be hurt, angry and sad, but at the situation and not at him. If he came to me and said he had been cheating and wanted to divorce, I might be a whole lot more angry, and in this situation, it would be at him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 Yup. My MM couldn't leave his miserable marriage due to religion and vows, but he could commit adultery for 5 years. He is still there and absolutely miserable, but will die sticking to his vow. When I hear this, I always wonder why people think "god" is going to be a-okay with people cherry picking which of his/her rules they should follow. He's probably the same type of guy who will blame his wife for not divorcing him, you for somehow seducing him, etc. He's a little boy who never grew up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 IMO, it's a crime because when you're committed to somebody in a relationship or a marriage, then you should not even be putting yourself in a position where you can fall in love with another person. Like having talk sessions on the phone, or going on several one-on-one meetings. If you think somebody else might be a better fit, then break it off, and pursue that other person and deal with the consequences of losing the first. Of course, that's just my opinion. Infidelity and affairs are almost a badge of honor to some people. Different folks, different strokes. I don't know that I'd call it a crime. personally, I see it more as an example of the human failings we can all prey to, and it's how they handle the aftermath that shows their true mettle. A woman or man who cheats, comes to their bs ( whether they remain together or split) with a genuine apology and humility in their heart, if they take full responsibility for their actions, and they then use what they learned to grow so that they will never allow themselves to cheat again stands and excellent chance of going on to be a trustworthy spouse or relationship partner. Someone who is a serial cheater isn't a criminal per se, but they sure have a lot of issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 post # 112 I can only speak for me, but if my husband came to me and said he was unhappy and wanted a divorce, sure I'd be hurt, angry and sad, but at the situation and not at him. If he came to me and said he had been cheating and wanted to divorce, I might be a whole lot more angry, and in this situation, it would be at him. Agree ^^^^^ 300% If my husband had come to me and said he'd fallen out of love with me/wasn't happy etc etc and wanted us to split up, then, reluctantly, I would have agreed to a divorce. Instead, he cheated, lied and gaslighted me for 6 months, got caught out, got his sorry @r$e kicked out and we ended up divorced anyway, but with a whole load of acrimony 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 No one is perfect or beyond reproach. Yes, people do leave marriage and it's very rare for a 'that was easy' divorce/seperation. As other posters have said, easy isn't a part of the scenario if you are involved with someone who is married and without the spouses' knowledge/consent. Isn't this cheater 101 or am I missing something? Respect is an action that I would like to interject. For the ow/om and for the betrayed spouse, if a person is in a relationship that involves deceit and a general sense of loss...it's not a good thing. It's difficult to explain a good relationship to a person who has never experienced it. The only thing to say is to trust your intuition, it isn't wrong and to let go of fear. There is no place for fear in love....and that love, real love is rare. There isn't a person experiencing real love and also being deceitful at the same time, it isn't possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 Because she has him and i am nothing. But you have a husband too... Your husband has you like your MM has his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I don't know that I'd call it a crime. personally, I see it more as an example of the human failings we can all prey to, and it's how they handle the aftermath that shows their true mettle. A woman or man who cheats, comes to their bs ( whether they remain together or split) with a genuine apology and humility in their heart, if they take full responsibility for their actions, and they then use what they learned to grow so that they will never allow themselves to cheat again stands and excellent chance of going on to be a trustworthy spouse or relationship partner. Someone who is a serial cheater isn't a criminal per se, but they sure have a lot of issues. Crime was the word the OP presented. I was just carrying it over. It's not a crime per se. I think there's lots of different types of people in this world. I think of a cheater as basically somebody who puts their needs for passion, love, sex, etc over more practical matters of loyalty. For me, I'm so old fashioned loyal and sensitive, I don't need mind-blowing sex and never have had it. So, it'd be harder for me to forgive . Depends on the transgression too. A drunken kiss is totally different from several, repeated trysts over a long period of time done with full realization of what you are doing. I knew this girl in college who cheated on her boyfriend with two different guys in three days. That's just part of her personality I think. It reflects what she prioritizes in life. Link to post Share on other sites
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