Does OLD make us too picky?

[Jamie_1]

I say this mostly in reference to appearance.

From my limited experience in pubs and clubs, it seems that appearances only play a small part in developing an interest in someone else. and that a shared experience or interaction with someone goes a long way.

 

The problem isn't that the top 10% of most attractive people on OLD rob everyone else of attention, it's that we are all so willing to give them it. For whatever reason, OLD makes us (including me) artificially picky and superficial when decide who to contact. It seems that we would all give up someone of greater compatibility for the stunner that may or may not mesh with our own personality.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, has OLD made you more picky than you would be in real life? Should we re-calibrate our standards or is it as it should be?

[JustGettingBy]

I definitely pass up women on OLD that I'd probably give more of a chance to IRL. I'll admit that it is partially on me, its difficult when you have dozen of pretty faces as options. If I was on a real world place where I was surrounded by 'average' women, I'd probably find someone who I have enough chemistry with to ask out, despite that fact I'd just pass over her profile on OLD.

[GunslingerRoland]

I remember going online and talking to people back in the 90's. I got to know quite a few girls that way, had some dates and eventually met my wife that way. I thought dating from online was the greatest thing ever, because very few people had pictures, and you really got to know people before getting distracted by minor physical things.

 

Modern online dating is the complete opposite. It's all about looking at superficial things, like pictures and bio highlights. It's like the bar on steroids.

[tetrahedral]

I say this mostly in reference to appearance.

From my limited experience in pubs and clubs, it seems that appearances only play a small part in developing an interest in someone else. and that a shared experience or interaction with someone goes a long way.

 

The problem isn't that the top 10% of most attractive people on OLD rob everyone else of attention, it's that we are all so willing to give them it. For whatever reason, OLD makes us (including me) artificially picky and superficial when decide who to contact. It seems that we would all give up someone of greater compatibility for the stunner that may or may not mesh with our own personality.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, has OLD made you more picky than you would be in real life? Should we re-calibrate our standards or is it as it should be?

 

Online dating exists specifically to give you more options at the expense of actually knowing them.

 

For people to be pickier on a dating site isn't weird or wrong. It's a logical extension of why dating sites exist.

 

That's why to me, complaining about online daters being picky is silly. Expecting more options, without more alternatives, is expecting to have your cake and eat it too.

 

Personally, I don't like online dating. I don't have a profile unless you count cell phone apps. Doesn't feel right.

[preraph]

I do think the 10% factor is even worse on OLD, but it always existed in real life too, but not to that extreme. I mean, in real life, I remember when I was barhopping (music gigs) all the guys were watching the same two girls too hot for them and then come closing time, making a desperate play for whatever girl looked drunkest.

 

In OLD, it's like everyone is catalog shopping and they all want the same thing, so those items are always out of stock or on backorder, but instead of buying something that fits and is available, they keep waiting for hot new stock to come in and hoping they can beg, borrow or steal one.

[Jamie_1]

Online dating exists specifically to give you more options at the expense of actually knowing them.

 

For people to be pickier on a dating site isn't weird or wrong. It's a logical extension of why dating sites exist.

 

That's why to me, complaining about online daters being picky is silly. Expecting more options, without more alternatives, is expecting to have your cake and eat it too.

 

Personally, I don't like online dating. I don't have a profile unless you count cell phone apps. Doesn't feel right.

 

I think you're right in that we must accept that with more options comes more competition and I'm not begrudging people for being too picky and this isn't tale of woe on my end. I just don't understand the logic in everyone raising their standards to the apex of what OLD has to offer: All you're doing is entering competition with many many others, and realistically if you're not close to being in their league, you're dead in the water.

 

It seems that everyone assumes that more options is a good thing, but if you don't know what to do with those options then you're probably wasting your time.

 

I don't know. I guess I'm trying to inspire a culture were people realize that by hounding down the top 10% you're more likely than not just cutting yourself off from meeting someone. More options shouldn't mean that we all rush for what we're unlikely to attract, it should mean that we all have more people in and around our own league that we CAN attract. But if everyone chases the top 10% then it's to everyone's disadvantage.

[rushed]

I say this mostly in reference to appearance.

From my limited experience in pubs and clubs, it seems that appearances only play a small part in developing an interest in someone else. and that a shared experience or interaction with someone goes a long way.

 

The problem isn't that the top 10% of most attractive people on OLD rob everyone else of attention, it's that we are all so willing to give them it. For whatever reason, OLD makes us (including me) artificially picky and superficial when decide who to contact. It seems that we would all give up someone of greater compatibility for the stunner that may or may not mesh with our own personality.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, has OLD made you more picky than you would be in real life? Should we re-calibrate our standards or is it as it should be?

 

I was going to disagree with you. But then as I started to think about it, I realized that you are right. OLD has made me picky. I met a guy on OLD, and he was sweet and hilarious and I loved texting with him. Best. Personality. Ever. When we met, this guy looked nothing like his pictures. Throughout the date, I kept wondering to myself if I could get past his looks, because his personality was pretty awesome. (BTW, his looks weren't too bad, but he wasn't the cutie I thought he was from his pics.)

 

Well, instead of going out on a second date with the guy, I decided to go out with another guy from OLD who I thought was a hottie (who is now my boyfriend). Because hey, I had choices.

 

Had this happened pre OLD, I probably would have gone out with the guy again because I probably wouldn't have had more choices at my fingertips.

[Maggie4]

If pictures are all you've got, then pictures are what you're going to focus on. A person's other qualities don't come through online. So you might be picky, but you actually don't have enough info to pick well.

[bluefeather]

I remember going online and talking to people back in the 90's. I got to know quite a few girls that way, had some dates and eventually met my wife that way. I thought dating from online was the greatest thing ever, because very few people had pictures, and you really got to know people before getting distracted by minor physical things.

 

Modern online dating is the complete opposite. It's all about looking at superficial things, like pictures and bio highlights. It's like the bar on steroids.

 

That's a really interesting point I never thought of - comparing original online interaction to modern-day. I was there too, and yeah, a lot of it was more about chatting and less about pics. A lot of times, pics didn't come until later as it was all so new, and also pics weren't the easiest things to take and send back then lol

 

I'm not sure if it makes me any more picky, though. I still just go for what I am attracted to. If anything, it might make me a little less selective, as all I'm doing is chatting at first, so there isn't much effort to put into it. I can say that when I use it, it's pretty fun. Most of the time, I make a few solid connections and then the rest is fluff, but that's kinda how real life is for me too. I think the way to go about it is to just use it as another tool to meet people, and that's it. If you put too much energy into it, you might end up becoming disappointed, frustrated, bitter, etc., and that is no fun.

Edited July 4, 2017 by bluefeather

[Phoenician]

Does OLD make us too picky?

 

not always , I am seperated in the time being , and any reasonably looking and thinking lady could satisfy me and blow my mind .

 

So the answer IMO is : depending on situation rather than age .

[Maggie4]

I remember going online and talking to people back in the 90's.

 

I did that too! But it was not online. In 1995, the LA Times still had personal ads in the print newspaper. You read the "SWM (or SWF) iso..." in print, then you call (no cell phones back then) key in the number for the ad you liked, and listen to the person's recording. Then if you want to make contact, you pay. There was no way to send a photo electronically. I didn't have an IBM until 1996, and even internet connection was by dial-up through the old phone lines for years. Haha. Very slow.

 

So you had to just exchange home phone numbers or agree to meet somewhere without having seen a picture of that person. Hard to be very picky when those print ads were only a few lines of abbreviations that all said similar things.

[salparadise]

It's explained to a large degree by The Paradox of Choice. The more options we have, the more difficult it is to make a choice, and to be confident about our decision after we do.

 

Related, although not unique to OLD, we also must deal with Optimal Stop Theory as illustrated by The Secretary Problem. We never really know whether the current option is the best, of if we should continue searching. Mathematicians have a formula for optimizing this quandary. This works best when the number of possibilities are finite and known, but of course in dating it is not.

[Luigi1212]

I personally dont do OLD but am still a bit too picky :/. I always get the feeling that I'm missing out on something better.

[OatsAndHall]

To be blunt, I do think that OLD makes people more picky and I have many stories to back up my experience. But, a conversation I had with long-time female friend last weekend pretty much solidifies it for me. She is a pleasant woman with a professional career but she is unhappy with her current station in life right now as she wants a husband and kids. However, she uses OLD exclusively and it's not going well for her:

 

Me: "So, how'd the weekend go?"

 

Her: "It was kind of rough, I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks and called it off with him."

 

Me: "What went wrong with this guy" (I desperately wanted to refer to him as Suitor Number 1037)

 

Her: "I don't know.. He's smart, funny and has been really nice to me. But, there just wasn't a spark and he wasn't as cute as his profile pic."

 

Me: "Was he like forty pounds heavier than his pic? And what do you mean by a spark?"

 

Her: "No, his hair was just quite a bit shorter than it was in his pics and I like men with long hair. And, the spark is that gut feeling you get when you're going to fall in love with someone.."

 

Me (being sarcastic): "So... Like "The Notebook"?"

 

Her: "Exactly!"

 

Me: "Hun, that's just not realistic.. You're talking about Hollywood here.."

 

Her: "I don't think it's unrealistic to be looking for true love. It's out there, I just need to find it!"

 

Me: "Well, I suppose..."

 

End of conversation. Now, this isn't a one-time occurrence.. I have heard the same basic stories from her and other women I know that use OLD on a continual basis. In my mind, OLD breeds two bad habits in people; the "shopping mentality" and an romanticized view of what dating is truly is. And, it's not just women I have fallen into the same traps. I have never been guilty of being unrealistic but I have done my fair share of shopping around...

[GunslingerRoland]

To be blunt, I do think that OLD makes people more picky and I have many stories to back up my experience. But, a conversation I had with long-time female friend last weekend pretty much solidifies it for me. She is a pleasant woman with a professional career but she is unhappy with her current station in life right now as she wants a husband and kids. However, she uses OLD exclusively and it's not going well for her:

 

Me: "So, how'd the weekend go?"

 

Her: "It was kind of rough, I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks and called it off with him."

 

Me: "What went wrong with this guy" (I desperately wanted to refer to him as Suitor Number 1037)

 

Her: "I don't know.. He's smart, funny and has been really nice to me. But, there just wasn't a spark and he wasn't as cute as his profile pic."

 

Me: "Was he like forty pounds heavier than his pic? And what do you mean by a spark?"

 

Her: "No, his hair was just quite a bit shorter than it was in his pics and I like men with long hair. And, the spark is that gut feeling you get when you're going to fall in love with someone.."

 

Me (being sarcastic): "So... Like "The Notebook"?"

 

Her: "Exactly!"

 

Me: "Hun, that's just not realistic.. You're talking about Hollywood here.."

 

Her: "I don't think it's unrealistic to be looking for true love. It's out there, I just need to find it!"

 

Me: "Well, I suppose..."

 

End of conversation. Now, this isn't a one-time occurrence.. I have heard the same basic stories from her and other women I know that use OLD on a continual basis. In my mind, OLD breeds two bad habits in people; the "shopping mentality" and an romanticized view of what dating is truly is. And, it's not just women I have fallen into the same traps. I have never been guilty of being unrealistic but I have done my fair share of shopping around...

 

She broke up with him over the shortness of his hair? Geez, if only there was a way to change that.. like saying waiting a month?

[preraph]

Back in the day, after a breakup or during an unrequited love, I used to pray the guy cut off his hair or started going bald because then I knew I probably wouldn't find him very attractive anymore and it would be easier to get over him.

 

It doesn't stop you loving them, but it just helps if you still are going to run into them to not have that painful pull towards them physically.

 

One reason online dating has changed since the 90s is because it did just evolve into mainly about photos, and from time to time I hear on the radio stats from the social media outlets reporting that the majority of OLD users don't even look at the profiles -- and of course one reason that has evolved is that just as many people put up fake profiles as fake photos.

[Leigh 87]

To be blunt, I do think that OLD makes people more picky and I have many stories to back up my experience. But, a conversation I had with long-time female friend last weekend pretty much solidifies it for me. She is a pleasant woman with a professional career but she is unhappy with her current station in life right now as she wants a husband and kids. However, she uses OLD exclusively and it's not going well for her:

 

Me: "So, how'd the weekend go?"

 

Her: "It was kind of rough, I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks and called it off with him."

 

Me: "What went wrong with this guy" (I desperately wanted to refer to him as Suitor Number 1037)

 

Her: "I don't know.. He's smart, funny and has been really nice to me. But, there just wasn't a spark and he wasn't as cute as his profile pic."

 

Me: "Was he like forty pounds heavier than his pic? And what do you mean by a spark?"

 

Her: "No, his hair was just quite a bit shorter than it was in his pics and I like men with long hair. And, the spark is that gut feeling you get when you're going to fall in love with someone.."

 

Me (being sarcastic): "So... Like "The Notebook"?"

 

Her: "Exactly!"

 

Me: "Hun, that's just not realistic.. You're talking about Hollywood here.."

 

Her: "I don't think it's unrealistic to be looking for true love. It's out there, I just need to find it!"

 

Me: "Well, I suppose..."

 

End of conversation. Now, this isn't a one-time occurrence.. I have heard the same basic stories from her and other women I know that use OLD on a continual basis. In my mind, OLD breeds two bad habits in people; the "shopping mentality" and an romanticized view of what dating is truly is. And, it's not just women I have fallen into the same traps. I have never been guilty of being unrealistic but I have done my fair share of shopping around...

 

 

 

A spark isn't idealistic or unrealistic for most people.

 

I am personally not a monogamous person, if there is no gut level spark.

 

I also happen to feel sparks with a huge array of men though; fat, thin (thinner than me), nerdy, shorter than me.

 

So for some of us, we are truly happier alone than to settle with no spark. Why force ourselves to date men we are just not excited about?

 

I don't think it's all like the notebook. But I do believe in instant chemistry and strong sparks - for those of us who need it in order to even want to date in the first place. I would be too tempted by men I felt the magic with. I would be prone to affairs and infidelity of I FORCED myself to settle with no spark. Because that is what it would be; me FORCING myself to be someones partner SANS spark.

 

The unrealistic side of the whole spark debate? When average women only feek the "spark" with hot men that have better options than them....

 

If you are otherwise open to feeling sparks with ANY looking man.. no stupid standards or restrictions in place.. then having a good deal of the magic is not so far fetched.

Edited July 5, 2017 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

In real life my partner and I felt instant sparks galore.

 

But if we first sighted each others profiles online, then out looks may well not have excited each other enough alone- in absence of the chemistry.

 

I am an average looked yet I have felt sparks with men in my real everyday life. Often enough to know that average woman can be perceived to be gorgeous if there is the real life chemistry.

 

Versus online, where I am sure I wouldn't even get a hit from most of the men who instantly found be to be very attractive.

 

Online sucks in that way! Average people are overlooked by people who may have been enamoured by their looks in real life, due to chemistry.

 

Also. That woman above.. the fussy one. She needs to get off her laptop. To be blunt - only very attractive women have much luck online. My mate is a stunner and has already found amazing chemistry and comparability after 2 weeks on tinder. They will likely date for a long time.

 

The most desirable people that also have decent personalities are rarely single, unless they have emotional or mental issues. My stunning model look alike friend cannot stay single because too many men both online and in real life, notice her and fall for her; and she invariably feels sparks for one of her many suitors.

 

Some women need to get a grip; their less than stunning pnline pics won't likely make many men excited enough to talk to, and they are better off meeting people in real life, where amazing chemistry can compensate for their lacl of full lips, pretty eyes and the hourglass figure (what 99% of men naturally lust after first and foremost)

 

In real life.. men AND women go by feel, and not looks alone. Online is for the pretty people to play on.

[SwordofFlame]

I think OLD is designed well for overly picky people and people that aren't social enough offline. I mean if you're so picky offline, how are you going to find someone? OLD gives you so many options, the odds are so much better.

[knabe]

OLD is just one of many things that have made the new gen of daters more picky. The "instant" and "disposable" world we live in has done that as well.

 

In OLD there is this array of dozens or hundreds of attractive people w "could choose from." The problem is, the real world rules still apply. If you're a basement dweller with few socials skills, an abmornal affinity for busty WoW warrioresses, a neck beard, and awkward social skills, you ain't gonna get Jessica Alba no matter how much you think you deserve her. If you're a "curvy" size 36W woman wearing an assortment of Hawaiian muumuus, you aren't gonna get Channing Tatum.

 

And yet for some reason everyone still holds out...

[Michelle ma Belle]

Being picky changes the longer you're online. At least it did for me.

 

In the early years of doing OLD, my picky meter went after and responded favorably to men who looked great in their pics. Purely based on physical attributes. Although I read profiles, so much of my decision making came from how I responded to their profile pics. It was like an online shopping mall of hotties and all I had to do was circle the ones I wanted to test drive. As a newbie to OLD, it was exciting to see the endless variety of men at my fingertips and just a click away.

 

Fast forward a couple of years later and far too many hollow and disappointing dates with a host of hotties and I started realize that sometimes all someone has to offer is their looks and nothing more. And that wasn't enough for me.

 

And so my 'pickiness' shifted. I began searching for and responded to profiles with substance not just a great pic. I took what I'd normally do in real life and applied to OLD.

Does he have manners? Can he carry a conversation? Does he care enough to ask me questions in an effort to get to know me? Can he string together more than 3 words and complete one single thought? Does he respond in a timely manner? And on and on.

 

Am I picky? Yes. Has OLD dating made me pickier? Perhaps but I see it as a great thing because it's helped me zero in on the things I now know are paramount for me regarding a partner, or even a decent date.

[CptInsano]

In OLD there is this array of dozens or hundreds of attractive people w "could choose from." The problem is, the real world rules still apply. If you're a basement dweller with few socials skills, an abmornal affinity for busty WoW warrioresses, a neck beard, and awkward social skills, you ain't gonna get Jessica Alba no matter how much you think you deserve her. If you're a "curvy" size 36W woman wearing an assortment of Hawaiian muumuus, you aren't gonna get Channing Tatum.

 

Reminds me of a grandmother in her 70s who I met on jury duty. She played WoW and guys would hit on her in-game rather frequently. Even though she was fun to talk to, so doubt the results would have been the same IRL.

[preraph]

Sadly, I think we've seen ample evidence just here on this forum that just talking to the opposite sex online is about all some people can handle anyway and is further than they'd get face to face because of various issues, so it's a novelty to them and sometimes even feels like an accomplishment, and they get too wrapped up in fantasizing that it's something real and of substance, kinda like game addicts who get the inevitable reward and victory, but it doesn't translate to real life.

[bluefeather]

Being old makes you see more flaws in people. I honestly think online dating is heavily flawed. It takes away one factor: personality. That's whats wrong with online dating. It takes away a portion of humanity that you find in real life and you don't really find any weird circumstances that could happen. It's always narrowed down to a community online. For example, you can't talk about that girl who tripped down the stairs or talk crap about someone you know in real life, but you can always talk about your interests online even if it means not doing them in real life. All online dating is just a watered down version of real life. Plus you don't even know if the other person is catfishing or a lowlife loser who thrown away his opportunity at life because you don't know them in real life.

 

That is why you should use it for what it is: just another tool to communicate with (and potentially meet) new people. But if you are depending on it as your only source of finding your one true love, you might be doing it wrong.

[OatsAndHall]

A spark isn't idealistic or unrealistic for most people.

 

I am personally not a monogamous person, if there is no gut level spark.

 

I also happen to feel sparks with a huge array of men though; fat, thin (thinner than me), nerdy, shorter than me.

 

So for some of us, we are truly happier alone than to settle with no spark. Why force ourselves to date men we are just not excited about?

 

I don't think it's all like the notebook. But I do believe in instant chemistry and strong sparks - for those of us who need it in order to even want to date in the first place. I would be too tempted by men I felt the magic with. I would be prone to affairs and infidelity of I FORCED myself to settle with no spark. Because that is what it would be; me FORCING myself to be someones partner SANS spark.

 

The unrealistic side of the whole spark debate? When average women only feek the "spark" with hot men that have better options than them....

 

If you are otherwise open to feeling sparks with ANY looking man.. no stupid standards or restrictions in place.. then having a good deal of the magic is not so far fetched.

 

So.... "Magic" equates to being realistic? I'm pretty sure the term "magic" is an adjective or a noun used to describe the opposite of reality..

 

The most "magic", "chemistry", or "spark" I had was with a woman who subsequently screwed around on me and became my ex-wife. And, I am not shocked to hear similar stories out of people. The elusive "spark" everyone talks about is a biologically driven response. You're strongly attracted to someone on an emotional and physical level, your body floods with "feel-good' neurotransmitters and it's a Love Tale To Stand The Ages! And, what's the down side to that? It blinds you to red-flags.. They can display all kinds of poor behavior but the "magic" is alive.

 

You're fine being alone, that's great. So am I. But, I am certainly realistic in my dating endeavors. When/if I meet someone I want to be in a long term relationship, I ask that there be a physical attraction, that they be responsible, mature, treat me with the same respect I treat them, and that we have a few things in common. In the long run, THOSE are the things that are going to keep us together. Ask any couple that's been together for 20+ years and they will tell you the same thing.

Edited July 7, 2017 by OatsAndHall