Funny bunny Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 (edited) So I really screwed up my relationship with jealousy and control issues for which I'm seeing a counselor for (my dad has 7 children with 3 different women & all my uncles have cheated on my aunts) He wasn't emotionally available I now realize. He smokes pot every day and wouldn't communicate feelings or things he was going through and on my end I let resentment build up inside of me. We broke up exactly two months ago today. I had to move back home to cope with the breakup because everything in my apartment reminded me of him. I guess you could say I've run away from it. I got really drunk the night we broke up (I rarely drink) where I looked through his phone and saw him telling a female friend how he things one of his coworkers is pretty. I called him to the room, read the texts to him, then proceeded to slap him which is an action that will forever haunt me. It was also his birthday. He told me to gtfo and i frantically apologized and asked for forgiveness all night but in the morning he dumped me. I know what I did asked for a breakup. It just sucks... Now I'm just dealing with the aftermath.. Who am I? How could I do something like that to my loved one? I've been going through feelings of remorse and I self-flagellate for what I did to him every day. I'm just trying better myself and be thoughtful with each action that I do. The last day I saw him he was cold and distant and when I asked him for one last kiss because I'll never see him again in my life he said "No because I don't want to give you false hope." So this is the part where I feel I've made SOME progress from the breakup..I just woke up from a dream where he is talking to me as if nothing had happened and he starts to kiss me but instead of me thinking "yes I want you back! I love that this is happening!" I started feeling something different...I got feelings of being afraid that he left me, abandoned me, and didn't love me enough to work things out. He knew I loved him and that I made a mistake. The problems we had we could have worked through-it wasn't impossible but he chose not to and this made me feel weird towards him. I think I'm glad I felt this way because it makes me feel he isn't the right person for me and that I'm not for him. This in itself makes me feel so sad.. I still haven't deleted his number, have all our pics up on facebook but have been completely NC. I haven't looked since at any social media for a month and I don't plan to. Chin up everybody. Lets help each other get through this! Edited July 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator OP request ~T Link to post Share on other sites
djung87 Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 (edited) Hey Funny bunny it's clear you aren't that happy in your relationship. Dig deep and look within I think you are just afraid to be alone and that's why you stayed. Find yourself I know that sounds really vague but look deep and see what you want for yourself and go for those goals. A great person will come along. You said you would do everything to become a better person make sure that is for yourself and not for a partner that is when we lose ourselves. Love yourself and put yourself first. I tried to PM you but weird it's not working. Keep your head up there will be bad days and amazing days as you discover yourself. Edited July 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 I sold a half a million dollar boat that I'd lived on for 7 years because it reminded me of her. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. And getting slapped by a woman is on my bucket list. Don't beat yourself up over it.... Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Life goes on.....today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Funny bunny Posted July 3, 2017 Author Share Posted July 3, 2017 Whatnot that made me laugh so hard!! No but really it was extremely disrespectful of me because he said "if you had just finished reading the messages you would have seen that I said "but i'm not looking right now" Link to post Share on other sites
Chin Up Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I know what you mean about the shift in feelings and it being a strange progress (also broke up 2 months ago) we lived together for a month after for obv reason such as packing, securing a place and funds for moving/rent/blahblah) so it kinda felt like we hadn't entirely broken up that point. He's been moved out for a month now with extremely LC and I made a decision to go full NC starting on the 1st this month. I had hoped being without me would smarten him up. That he'd realize he wanted me in his life, I was worth the effort and changes, and happily ever after blahblah. Every day I felt crappy when he continued on his merry way, and really put myself through the wringer over it. Now, I see it's a blessing he hasn't done that because to be honest, when I imagine him in front of me asking for another chance, I feel really awkward and uncomfortable. Super confusing and draining feeling cuz I do miss and love him, but the thought of getting back together now makes me feel very weird. I'm taking that as progress, and you should too! I'm guessing that's the brain slowly taking back over and putting a little rational thought into the mix, instead of the heart going insane, pulling levers, hitting buttons, and running the show. Cheesy, but I found an empty notebook and I've been journaling as I go. Whenever I miss or am mad at him, I write him a letter. If I'm struggling with feelings, I write about them. Anything to do with him goes in the journal. I've found it helps get it all out and stops me from contacting him. I even journal about wanting to contact him lol! I really think you should unfriend him from social medias, and of your phone. I'm going to wager you're peeping his stuff like mad and that's no way to go, esp when you see something you don't like and it sets you right back to ground zero. It's hard and hurty and scary, but you can do it! (plus it makes you mysterious cuz he can't peep your stuff either!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Funny bunny Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 Chin up thanks for that.. I have been sticking to my guns and haven't had a peep since the last day I saw him. I guess it is the rational thought kicking in and not my heart and what it wants. Instead of journaling I've been on here non stop and talking to you guys has helped so much! It's crazy! I feel strangely better today. Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I'm so sorry you're going thru this; it must be really difficult for you. People who smoke weed do not process emotions or thoughts the same as the rest of us. They are emotionally unavailable and distant. Since you're not into smoking, its probably for the best that you've let this guy go. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones. Enjoy activities and hobbies. You will get thru this just fine. Good luck my friend! Hugs!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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