Getting Thrown Under The Bus As The OW

[Ahurtgirl]

My affair is over but I find funny things to think about it at times. One thing I remember doing is comparing myself to his wife. He would tell me that I was more beautiful than her, that I was more compassionate, better sense of humor, understood him better and he said our sex was the best he ever had.

His wife and I were two very different people. She saw herself as high value and I struggled with my self esteem. She was blonde, I have very long dark hair. We were both successful and both church involved women. We both loved our kids. She liked to drink socially. I didn't. She would tell him off and I did the same at times.

I have no doubt he told her that SHE was more beautiful and that the sex with her is the best, etc. Just funny how women try and compare themselves to try and compete. My ex married man's wife actually said to me, "don't you think we should let him choose who he wants to be with" as she was so self confident in herself. She did win but in reality, she won herself a cheater.

Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[somanymistakes]

He would never compare us, that would be cruel. He'll talk about the ways we're similar, never how we're different, at least not directly. I know things that are different about us, but not because he'd say "she does this and you'd never do that" or anything.

 

I compare myself to her, privately, and of course in most respects I think I'm the better catch, except for the messed-up things I've done in my past and her being generally more self-sacrificing than I am. But I'd never say to him "look, I'm smarter and prettier and have a much higher sex drive and I understand you more than she ever will", that would sound awful of me.

 

If he told me I was prettier than her I would be grossed out, really. I don't think it's appropriate to make that sort of comparison about people you care about.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Aww yes, I did. I think when you get yourself into a situation like this it is par for the course to compare yourself to the 'competition'- you just can't help yourself. I am loud and rambunctious the typical life of the party whereas she is quiet and may enjoy a social gathering but doesn't care to be the center of attention. We are literally like night and day when it comes to our personalities though we shared one same quality- our love for the same type of man.

 

What did I come to learn? - Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses I have mine she has hers it is unfair to sit and pick at each one. Though to be completely transparent the other day I went to get a pedicure and I was picking colors and I refused to get a certain color because it wasn't loud enough and would be something she would have chosen.. so i chose the loudest brightest pink in the salon - guess some things take awhile to get work through.

[DKT3]

I remember when I was about 14 I was so in love with Mika....oh man, but she never paid attention to me. I was whining to my mom about it one day and she told me this. "Do you show her alot of attention? Stop, pick out one of her friends and show her that same attention, Mika will come to you" as sure as the sun came up, Mika came to me.

 

I think women compete with women more so then competition for the man. I think it's part of what makes affairs so addictive, "I'm better then her, he should want me more"

 

Men that truly understand this use it as a weapon. By feeding the OW the you're more beautiful B's and sex is off the chart stuff but still staying with his wife makes OW try harder, give more of herself. And it feeds right into that female competition.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He compared me to her but it was obvious to me that the whole A was more about his hating her than his "loving" me. He said how she was a fat pig, a slob, a lazy bum, contributed nothing, spent his money...the list went on and on about all the things he hated about her. She is short and heavy and not attractive, but he married her so...

 

He had me on a pedestal but I knew I was not the magical creature he thought I was. He only saw me once a week and did not live with me. I'm far from perfect. His cruelty was not endearing and I had that thought that if I ever did end up with this guy, one day he would be sitting with some woman saying things about me.

[Ahurtgirl]

I have no doubt he created a very negative picture of me to her once d day happened. I can only imagine the lies he had to tell to save his marriage.

[FoundMyStrength]

I have no doubt he created a very negative picture of me to her once d day happened. I can only imagine the lies he had to tell to save his marriage.

 

My xMM only said one or two slightly negative things about her, although he did have a note of condescension in his voice about other areas. He professed his "deep love" for both her and myself. I didn't necessarily believe everything was peaches and cream in their marriage, but I don't think I could've fallen for him the way I did if he'd trash talked his wife. Who knows, maybe he figured that out early on and adjusted his schtick accordingly. I've come to believe my xMM was far more of a schemer and manipulator than I thought at the time.

[Doublegold]

No, I don't compare myself to her. There are some similarities and there are vast differences.

 

Now I am comparing lol.

[BreakingWave]

I compare myself to MW's H all the time - sometimes favorably and sometimes not so much. She assures me it's "not a competition" and that I shouldn't think that way. I think for her, we fill very different needs in her life. He provides the income and security and societal acceptance she craves. I provide the emotional intimacy and joy that she's often lacking at home.

 

I agree that it's a slippery slope and brings out my ugly side, because it puts me in a place where I begin to have very negative thoughts toward him. The truth is he's a deeply flawed person, but no more than the rest of us. I have known them for years and have personally observed the way he takes her for granted and is sometimes downright unlikeable - this isn't her giving me a version of facts to make him look bad. In fact, she's pretty defensive of him, which I think is her guilt at work.

[aileD]

I remember when I was about 14 I was so in love with Mika....oh man, but she never paid attention to me. I was whining to my mom about it one day and she told me this. "Do you show her alot of attention? Stop, pick out one of her friends and show her that same attention, Mika will come to you" as sure as the sun came up, Mika came to me.

 

I think women compete with women more so then competition for the man. I think it's part of what makes affairs so addictive, "I'm better then her, he should want me more"

 

Men that truly understand this use it as a weapon. By feeding the OW the you're more beautiful B's and sex is off the chart stuff but still staying with his wife makes OW try harder, give more of herself. And it feeds right into that female competition.

 

 

WOW. Awesome insight !!!!!!

[freengreen]

Somehow I never cared if she was better or I looked better... I was at a point where, taking to him made me feel guilty, I never went further than him, to think about his wife.

[cocorico]

I didn't, but his family did. His mum would thank me for helping wash up after a meal, then mention that "she" never did. Or his sister would mention that "she" never joined in with the family, always went and sat by herself with a newspaper. Or his dad would tell me how happy he was to be getting a "real" DIL who loved his son and the family. I suspect they welcomed me not because of who I was, but because I wasn't "her".

[smalltownwriter]

I do compare myself to her, I know it's a fruitless endeavor but I can't help it. We are so different. I am into makeup, fashion, nutrition, dieting. I don't think I've seen a picture of her where she looks like she cares about any of those things. Not a knock on her, just saying how we are different. I try not to but I can't help it.

[lostgirl87]

I think all women compare themselves to other women on some level. Definitely in an affair situation. I know I did and still do. I'm prettier, thinner/have a better body, more educated, come from a better background. MM didnt like to compare us- at least not to me. He did mention how we were similar in some ways and from what I've seen on social media or from his descriptions, she and I are similar in a lot of ways. He was very honest when he said there are good things about me and good things about her. Things he loves about me and things he loves about her but also the faults that each of us had.

 

At the end of the day, no matter how much better we (OW) may be on paper, we are still "competing" with history and commitment and that's a tough hurdle for us to overcome.

[RewindRomancer]

YES!!! I compared myself to exMM's wife all the time! Even though she was much younger than me (she was exMM's late life "trophy wife" and I was his college sweetheart, his "dream girl"), I know I was more attractive physically to exMM because I was his "type"....tiny, fit, tan. She was tall and blonde but looked awkward as she towered next to him - he's kind of a shortish guy. She was also big-boned and...ewww...I'm sorry...she kinda looked like a linebacker. But her face was very pretty. I'm attractive as well but, again, I am exMM's type. I'm cute and tan - we love the beach and riding his Harley, so a deep tan is part of my "look." Believe me when I tell you that serious tan lines turn MM on... and I've know that for 40 years! ha! <grin>

 

 

Yeah so, to get back to the original question. Yes I compared myself to exMM's wife. How can we not? It became a pretty big FB obsession for a while. That's why the constant LoveShack advice of NO CONTACT and blocking on social media to get over an affair is so important. When I stopped looking at her picture every day, I started to heal.

[Poppy47]

No. I never did.

 

I didn't need to do that. I am myself.

 

Poppy.

[Daisy2013]

Yes. I thought she must be one heck of a woman for him to stay after all he told me. She isn't attractive, although beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He said she is negative and bitter, and was told so by her siblings when he married her, and said he'd made his bed and had to lie in it. She told him last year sex isn't going to happen and oh well. They've been married a long time so he mustn't care. He had been divorced twice and refused to divorce a third time, and had thought they were a good match because they were both Christians, but realizes now that's not all it takes.

 

I often wondered what I lacked and why I wasn't good enough for him in real life as we were friends for years prior to the A, laughed together and had amazing chemistry, and this woman gets mad at him if he even laughs and has a good time with his grown kids or should sip a non-alcoholic beer. We just fit.

[Vivir]

I did ... and I still do

The affair caused significant damage to my self-esteem, so much so that I am finding it difficult to repair the damage.

 

It turned out that she was much younger than me, and quite pretty. At 23, she had been able to do *something* to gain and keep his affections to the point that he married her and set her up with a nice lifestyle... I think about how hard it has been for me since I began dating to even get to the relationship part.... how I worked and worked, thinking this ability to provide for myself would make me a good catch. All it has done instead was remove me from the dating pool. Growing up, the elders stressed how men wouldn't want a woman with even one child... when they met, she already had one. I am still childless. I finished a masters program. She has an associates. And on and on...

 

Sometimes I have good days and can be objective, countering the negative and hurtful self-talk... but mostly, I continue to find myself bitter and wondering how some women end up with everything and others with nothing. I feel that I am left with nothing. And I am still angry. So I still compare.

 

Today has been one of the bad days eveyone on LS talks about.

[ice3784]

i do.

Especially at the current moment where he try to reconcile with my MM.

She decided to leave but now wants to take him back and uses the children as excuse.

She successfully makes MM love me less and got her and the kids stuck in his head everyday.

They were texting every day and night.

I compare myself with her everyday even when he was sleeping next to me, i still feels insecure.

I check her fb everyday, i just never in peace.

I don't want her to take him away from me.

[cluelesswoman]

He's actually not "yours" he's her husband. You knew (may have hoped he would be yours) he wasn't yours so try to imagine your place in her shoes.

[Ahurtgirl]

Only took me 10 months but...Finally shredded and burned all the memories I had from the affair that hadn't been turned over to the attorney for the legal settlement. It feels so freeing! I still need to sell the diamond engagement ring he gave me (hopefully in the next few days) and I've accepted that proof of our relationship will always exist because of his over reaction causing the legal settlement (attorney required as much proof as possible of the existence of the length of our involvement to prove what was said was true so the attorney has a two inch file of saved texts, call logs, pics, love letters, etc. that I had saved over the 4.5 years to protect me if my exMM would try to pursue another lawsuit against me). However, that is retained in the lawyers office so I no longer need to concern myself with those. I would love to have been able to destroy everything so I could delete it completely but at least my home is almost free of all reminders.

 

How many of you have also deleted/destroyed what you could of the proof of your affair once it was done?

[Life lessons]

Nice! That was a good decision on your part.

 

I didn't have much saved from my A, but the little I did have, I deleted it. That definitely helps closure a bit......considering there are not constant reminders around that could cause triggers.

[Hope4Healing]

I have done similar things, especially when it comes to doing something I know is the complete opposite of her.

 

Do you still find yourself doing this? Does he notice you still? I find myself doing things just to get his attention, and then I go home and ignore my husband. I don't know if I can dig myself out of this hole. Will I ever be healed? Are you?

[crystalstevens]

I used too, ALL THE TIME. She's 15 years older than me, looks like she's never heard of a hairbrush, not into makeup and her clothes are out of style. Everytime xMM used to talk about her ALWAYS negatively and he always put me on a pedestal, even towards the end of our affair.

 

I was "funner" more interesting to talk to, super understating, outgoing, smart, easy going.... you get it. Anything to sweet talk my ear.

 

As much as he used to trash talk about his wife, she obviously has some qualities that I don't. Hence, why he married her in the first place.

 

I don't compare ourselves anymore, our A ended almost a month ago because I chose to work on my marriage instead of continuing our affair. I'm about 80% healed. I don't think I loved him, I was just greatly infatuated. It's over now and I couldn't be happier ?

 

You will get there too!

[Origin]

I think we all do at the beginning but afterwards it doesn't matter