Getting Thrown Under The Bus As The OW

[Raena]

Yeah, my ex tried to blame his OW for why he cheated too. He said she blackmailed him, forcing him to buy things for her and to continue contact with her long after he wanted to stop the affair.

 

I, of course, thought he was full of crap. If she did blackmail him, it was because he had already slept with her and she had something to tell me that he didn't want her to tell me. That's all it boiled down to.

 

The reality is, he chose to cheat. She didn't make that happen, she allowed it to happen but she didn't force it to happen no matter what my ex said.

 

It's easy to blame the OW as if she's the only one who caused the cheating but it's just not possible to MAKE a man cheat if he really doesn't want to. If he values his marriage and wants to remain in a healthy marriage, he wouldn't be able to be tempted. If he's weak and selfish and thinks he can get away with it, he'll cheat and then he'll blame her when he gets caught. The BW can get easily caught up in wanting to blame anyone other than her husband but the blame falls squarely on his shoulders in the end no matter what story he tells.

[anika99]

I don't think it's possible to blame the OW unless the wife is completely delusional and wants to believe anything her husband says to justify her staying.

 

I mean how could you blame someone else? "Sorry, wife. She forced me to call her, lie to you, go see her, take her out on dates, open up to her about stuff I don't even tell you, spend my money on her, tell her I love her AND she forced my pants down and shoved my penis into her"?? I mean come on!

 

I'd like to believe that no man is that dumb and no woman is that delusional!

 

The MM throws his OW under the bus after the affair in much the same way he throws his wife under the bus during the affair. Of course he doesn't say to his OW that his wife literally dragged him into a church and forced him at gun point to say marital vows to her. That would be dumb and no OW would believe him.

 

Instead he finds more clever and understated ways to make cheating on his wife not his fault. Things like he didn't want to get married but his family or her family or voices in his head pressured him into it. He doesn't want to cheat on his wife but she is frigid/controlling/fat/whatever so what's a guy to do? He'd divorce his wife but she'd take his kids away forever or she will commit suicide or she will find some means to ruin him till the end of time. OW usually believe these things because not believing him would mean that's he's just a selfish cheater.

 

Then when the affair is discovered the MM plays the same game but this time his scape goat is the OW. He didn't want to cheat but the OW got him at a vulnerable time. She pressured him until one day when he was drunk he gave in. Then he felt guilty and wanted to stop but the OW wouldn't let him. She threatened to expose him. She was going to commit suicide. He felt sorry for her because her entire family along with all of her houseplants died last year and she was all alone.. BW want to believe these things because not believing him would mean that he's just a selfish cheater.

[lostgirl87]

The MM throws his OW under the bus after the affair in much the same way he throws his wife under the bus during the affair. Of course he doesn't say to his OW that his wife literally dragged him into a church and forced him at gun point to say marital vows to her. That would be dumb and no OW would believe him.

 

Instead he finds more clever and understated ways to make cheating on his wife not his fault. Things like he didn't want to get married but his family or her family or voices in his head pressured him into it. He doesn't want to cheat on his wife but she is frigid/controlling/fat/whatever so what's a guy to do? He'd divorce his wife but she'd take his kids away forever or she will commit suicide or she will find some means to ruin him till the end of time. OW usually believe these things because not believing him would mean that's he's just a selfish cheater.

 

Then when the affair is discovered the MM plays the same game but this time his scape goat is the OW. He didn't want to cheat but the OW got him at a vulnerable time. She pressured him until one day when he was drunk he gave in. Then he felt guilty and wanted to stop but the OW wouldn't let him. She threatened to expose him. She was going to commit suicide. He felt sorry for her because her entire family along with all of her houseplants died last year and she was all alone.. BW want to believe these things because not believing him would mean that he's just a selfish cheater.

Hey I'm not arguing that at all. I'm positive it happens. My most recent post says MM lies to everyone b/c that's the only way he survives.

[Arieswoman]

anika99 post #13

 

Instead he finds more clever and understated ways to make cheating on his wife not his fault. Things like he didn't want to get married but his family or her family or voices in his head pressured him into it. He doesn't want to cheat on his wife but she is frigid/controlling/fat/whatever so what's a guy to do? He'd divorce his wife but she'd take his kids away forever or she will commit suicide or she will find some means to ruin him till the end of time. OW usually believe these things because not believing him would mean that's he's just a selfish cheater.

 

Then when the affair is discovered the MM plays the same game but this time his scape goat is the OW. He didn't want to cheat but the OW got him at a vulnerable time. She pressured him until one day when he was drunk he gave in. Then he felt guilty and wanted to stop but the OW wouldn't let him. She threatened to expose him. She was going to commit suicide. He felt sorry for her because her entire family along with all of her houseplants died last year and she was all alone.. BW want to believe these things because not believing him would mean that he's just a selfish cheater.

 

An excellent summation

[Midwestmissy]

It can be subtle or it can be flat out crazy. My wh wanted the mow to think he was an amazing husband. So he told her about taking me to marital counselling (where he lied non stop and which I had booked and begged for), and about all the amazing things he did for me in his effort to save his marriage. Week ends away, fancy hotels etc. He told me that he never wanted her to think he would leave me, but he liked that she wanted him.

 

Of course non of these things worked for us because he was having an affair. I didn't know, so I just thought I was failing at marriage and losing my husband and didn't know why.

 

I still don't understand how she was impressed by what a great husband he was, or how she could praise his efforts at working on our marriage while they were in a hotel together, hours after our therapy. But it somehow worked for them. She wanted him more because he was such an amazing husband compared to hers, and he got to hear her tell him that.

 

They were both horrific lying cheating spouses in their own la la land where rules of conduct or rules of logic didn't apply. It did not end well. He tried a few things: I did not sleep with her - I told him he must have been a loser for not closing the deal in 8 mos (I didn't believe him, clearly). He tried to blame me, uh, no, I was the only one who didn't know, so this isn't on me. And then she went under the bus: she's a loser, she didn't mean anything, I wasn't going to leave you for her, she's gross, she stinks at her job, she's embarrassing, we didn't fall in love, she just stroked my ego, she believed everything I told her, she never judged me, I used her, she could have been anyone.

 

He only blames himself now.

[Southwardbound]

Hey I'm not arguing that at all. I'm positive it happens. My most recent post says MM lies to everyone b/c that's the only way he survives.

 

Exactly. Every so often my MM tells me our affair is my fault. Perhaps, it's a self-defense mechanism, because no one ever likes to think about what a bad person they are? They don't like to think about the life of lies they are living, and about any nasty consequences that may follow on from that. I never let him get away with those thoughts. He knows he lies to her all the time. Yet, he still has no intention to quit our relationship. Just as he is perfectly willing to break his marriage boundary with me, as was I with him & my spouse when I was married. It takes two to do, otherwise there's no affair.

 

Really, he should just get a divorce, but he's too chicken to do it right now. And will he ever be brave enough to do it? I'm not so sure?

[BTDT2012]

My WH never blamed the OW for his decision to become a cheater.

[Ahurtgirl]

My WH never blamed the OW for his decision to become a cheater.

 

Sounds like your husband was one of the few married men who actually loved and respected his other woman which helped him take his responsibility in his part of the affair. Most blame the OW when it all falls apart.

[jenkins95]

I didn't blame the OW for my decisions in having an A. My wife did ask me questions that I could have spun that way: "Did she come on strong to you?", "Were you drunk and she took advantage?", "Did she make the first move?". It would have been ridiculous, and with hindsight to my W, obvious lies if I'd been weak enough to answer yes to those questions. I truthfully answered that everything we did was pretty much 50:50. Painful though it is, at least my W hopefully sees a genuine attempt at taking ownership there.

 

In the post D-day discussions I have also avoided character assassinating the OW, at least any more than myself. My stance is, was and always will be that we were both as selfish, irresponsible and stupid as each other. My wife has used terms such as "wh*re" (not always, but sometimes when she's been experiencing deep anger) I allowed her to say this but remained quiet myself. I also stated that I don't hate her, I am mostly indifferent to her but hope she learns from this, makes good decisions in her life from now on and has a happy life. When asked by W why I don't hate her, my reply is that firstly, hate would mean she occupies extra space in my head when I want to be 100% concentrating on my M and family and secondly, hating her would implicitly suggest that it's more her fault than mine, which it's not. My wife seems to generally respect and accept this stance.

Edited July 4, 2017 by jenkins95

[aileD]

The MM throws his OW under the bus after the affair in much the same way he throws his wife under the bus during the affair. Of course he doesn't say to his OW that his wife literally dragged him into a church and forced him at gun point to say marital vows to her. That would be dumb and no OW would believe him.

 

Instead he finds more clever and understated ways to make cheating on his wife not his fault. Things like he didn't want to get married but his family or her family or voices in his head pressured him into it. He doesn't want to cheat on his wife but she is frigid/controlling/fat/whatever so what's a guy to do? He'd divorce his wife but she'd take his kids away forever or she will commit suicide or she will find some means to ruin him till the end of time. OW usually believe these things because not believing him would mean that's he's just a selfish cheater.

 

Then when the affair is discovered the MM plays the same game but this time his scape goat is the OW. He didn't want to cheat but the OW got him at a vulnerable time. She pressured him until one day when he was drunk he gave in. Then he felt guilty and wanted to stop but the OW wouldn't let him. She threatened to expose him. She was going to commit suicide. He felt sorry for her because her entire family along with all of her houseplants died last year and she was all alone.. BW want to believe these things because not believing him would mean that he's just a selfish cheater.

 

This is the most perfect thing I have ever read on here

[elaine567]

My WH never blamed the OW for his decision to become a cheater.

Sounds like your husband was one of the few married men who actually loved and respected his other woman

 

That is not necessarily true at all.

Taking responsibility for his own actions may have nothing whatsoever to do with what he felt/did not feel for his OW.

He may in fact hate her and think she was a horrible human being, but he still knows he was weak and should not have gone there.

[wmacbride]

There is plenty of throwing under the bus on the part of both the ws and the om/ow.

 

How many threads on here are full of vitriol against the mm/mw because he or she didn't choose to divorce?

 

One minute he or she is god's gift to the world, the next, he or she is scum because he or she lied to their ap.

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I think that sort of treatment is okay, and I really believe there should be some sort of special punishment reserved for men or women who lie and say they aren't married. My issue is why the switch?

 

I'm not saying that all me/mm lie to their spouses, but logic will tell you lots do. These lies don't seem to carry any weight ( at least to some) ,and it's only the lies told to the ow/om that count. I guess they might see it as a means to an end ( he or she has to lie to their bs so they can be with me), but isn't dishonesty dishonesty. no matter the reasons why? After all, it's not just a harmless fib like telling someone a dress makes their rear look small when in fact, it make it look like the back end of a city bus. These are lies that can affect the very core of their life and ow they see the world and how they trust. Aren't these lies pretty significant?

 

Do I hold the ow in my situation 50 percent responsible for the A? You bet I do. Is she solely responsible, do I believe the "seduced" my spouse and he was just some poor fool who had no choice? You bet I don't. That's just dumb ( at least to me), and I don't want to be with a guy who has zero control over his impulses.

 

I hold her to the same standard. She knew he was married, and she made her decision. She wasn't seduced, she wasn't some innocent little lamb being led to the slaughter. She was an adult, and if she is old enough and responsible enough to drive, vote, drink, join the army, sign a contract, choose her medical care, rent a vehicle or hotel room etc., etc., etc. then she is not a child and I will not treat or see her as one. From what I ca tell, she is a very broken adult, but as much as I feel bad about that, she has to find a way to help herself. I can't do it.

 

All of this being said, I don't feel that most ow/om or wh/ww are horrible people who are evil to the core. They are human being, subject to flaws and foibles, just like anyone else, just like me. If i was to catalog all the bad choices i have made, the list would sure be a long one. From what I can tell, it's how parties involved handle the aftermath of an that counts. Many use what they learned and experienced to grow, and that will stand them in good stead.

 

There's lot of examples of that on here. For instance, Jenkins, Mrs JA., and others may have had an affair, but rather than blame anyone and everyone else, they accepted what they did, took responsibility for it and have found a way to move forward. There's lots of ow/om who have done the same thing.

 

I really admire that. It takes a lot of strength, and it says a lot about a person that they were able to do it.

[central]

Anyone who enters into an affair expecting anything other than eventual disappointment, lies, mistreatment, or abandonment, is delusional. The few exceptions aren't sufficient to give hope that your situation will be any different. At best, enjoy it while you can, as it almost certainly won't last, especially if discovered. And there could even be severe consequences if you're messing with the wrong BS.

 

If it's truly love, then the WS would leave their spouse as soon as they realize that. It's rare that any do.

Edited July 4, 2017 by central

[jenkins95]

There is plenty of throwing under the bus on the part of both the ws and the om/ow.

 

How many threads on here are full of vitriol against the mm/mw because he or she didn't choose to divorce?

 

One minute he or she is god's gift to the world, the next, he or she is scum because he or she lied to their ap.

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I think that sort of treatment is okay, and I really believe there should be some sort of special punishment reserved for men or women who lie and say they aren't married. My issue is why the switch?

 

I'm not saying that all me/mm lie to their spouses, but logic will tell you lots do. These lies don't seem to carry any weight ( at least to some) ,and it's only the lies told to the ow/om that count. I guess they might see it as a means to an end ( he or she has to lie to their bs so they can be with me), but isn't dishonesty dishonesty. no matter the reasons why? After all, it's not just a harmless fib like telling someone a dress makes their rear look small when in fact, it make it look like the back end of a city bus. These are lies that can affect the very core of their life and ow they see the world and how they trust. Aren't these lies pretty significant?

 

Do I hold the ow in my situation 50 percent responsible for the A? You bet I do. Is she solely responsible, do I believe the "seduced" my spouse and he was just some poor fool who had no choice? You bet I don't. That's just dumb ( at least to me), and I don't want to be with a guy who has zero control over his impulses.

 

I hold her to the same standard. She knew he was married, and she made her decision. She wasn't seduced, she wasn't some innocent little lamb being led to the slaughter. She was an adult, and if she is old enough and responsible enough to drive, vote, drink, join the army, sign a contract, choose her medical care, rent a vehicle or hotel room etc., etc., etc. then she is not a child and I will not treat or see her as one. From what I ca tell, she is a very broken adult, but as much as I feel bad about that, she has to find a way to help herself. I can't do it.

 

All of this being said, I don't feel that most ow/om or wh/ww are horrible people who are evil to the core. They are human being, subject to flaws and foibles, just like anyone else, just like me. If i was to catalog all the bad choices i have made, the list would sure be a long one. From what I can tell, it's how parties involved handle the aftermath of an that counts. Many use what they learned and experienced to grow, and that will stand them in good stead.

 

There's lot of examples of that on here. For instance, Jenkins, Mrs JA., and others may have had an affair, but rather than blame anyone and everyone else, they accepted what they did, took responsibility for it and have found a way to move forward. There's lots of ow/om who have done the same thing.

 

I really admire that. It takes a lot of strength, and it says a lot about a person that they were able to do it.

 

^^^^^^

THIS!

 

brilliant post wmac.

 

In most cases both parties know exactly what they are getting into and are 50:50 responsible. It is a weak (albeit understandable) stance when the sh*t hits the fan to try to deflect all the blame onto the other person.

 

In the fullness of time when the initial raw emotions fade down a little, I would guess that most BS will probably eventually see through it if the WS takes this type approach, even if, in the very early days after D-DAY day they believe it out of sheer desperation.

Edited July 4, 2017 by jenkins95

[Midwestmissy]

My wh didn't blame the ow- but he wasn't in love with her. He was hit pretty hard with the knowledge that if he continued living his life by blaming others for his bad choices, he'd just keep repeating them.

 

It was impossible for him to tell me I caused his cheating or the ow did. He got out money, booked hotels, hid his phone, lied to everyone. All on him.

 

He's told me that he could have blamed me and run off with the mow and accomplished nothing but running away. He'd still be dragging all his problems with him. He tried ditching his problems by having the affair. Just made the pile bigger and stickier.

 

He doesn't like what she represents about him. He also knows that neither one of them was a good person, they were both selfish lying cheaters, equally. But he invited her into our marriage, all on him. Her behaviour after the fact is what made him dislike her and get disgusted.

[Space Ritual]

Does the MM usually blame the OW for the affair when it ends and his wife finds out? What stories have you heard about affairs and did the MM blame the OW when it ended to make himself look innocent?

 

It happens more than anyone cares to admit.

 

I myself am a victim of infidelity and rarely post on this subforum because it's triggery for me, however from my near decade long membership on LS, the Lion's Share of MM are more than willing to throw an AP under the bus. Men who cheat usually are more enamored with the physical aspect of the affair, but that is as far as it goes. When discovered, they get a snapshot of what they stand to lose in a divorce, so it is easy to understand why they will go into CYA mode and blame everyone but themselves for their actions.

 

On the other hand, when it comes to female cheaters, from what I have experienced here at LS, quite often they have Exit affairs, totally knowing the desired outcome beforehand. And not necessarily to continue with the male AP, just to get out of the relationship or marriage.

 

The short answer though is that whether the AP is male or female, they must understand that being thrown under the bus is part of the consequence for their actions.

[misspalmy]

Yes. I got all the blame she look him back. rings me up and says i know he was married so on, what about him hes the one who broke his vows.

 

most married woman are to blind to see there man is the pig, sorry for that word, I dont even what him now. I dont need a cheater that lairs and cant man up.

 

He will say anytime to his wife what she wants to hear. most mm will say shes crazy so on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My situation is similar to Jenkins. I really don't post much as that side of it, I'm here because of xmm but the only reason my H and I are still married is because he was honest about OW. He did say some really crazy stuff which to be honest, never left my mind - like it was my fault his career failed, he hated his life, hated me, really out there stuff which we have never revisited and if I bring it up he will say he was just in a crazy time, that I can't take anything he said seriously at that time.

 

But to answer the question, he was pretty honest that he asked her out, he said he loved her, it was pretty mutual on both sides. I saw a lot of the communication, he did delete a lot but I saw enough to know that she was destroyed that he would not leave me and she did not understand as he told her that I had a boyfriend. It was not true. I had this horrible affair with this sociopathic loser who I saw once a month. It was not a relationship. And so I told her, so she knew my husband was lying to her. I said, I do not have a boyfriend. There is a married guy I see once a month and its toxic. She wanted to talk to me in person but I kept it at texting. I don't hate her at all, she is me.

 

So not all guys lie. I saw my husband curled up in a little ball over her. I have no idea why he didn't leave. He says he loved me. I don't know. He does love me but I think he liked being married. We have little kids. He does not work. We have a home, a history. An OW can't compete with that. Men like security. It is the woman who usually initiates the divorce.

 

I will tell you today that he says he doesn't feel sorry as she knew he was married and she should have known better than to get involved with a married guy. It's a parallel universe as through my husband I was able to see what xmm was going through and that is how I knew he was fine when it was over. These guys grieve for maybe 2 weeks.

 

A hurt girl, you have been here a long time and I do not see you moving on. You need to let go.

[Space Ritual]

He will say anytime to his wife what she wants to hear. most mm will say shes crazy so on.

 

A typical pattern for Affairs. It can be used by the married man/woman to keep the OW/OM from exposing to the Betrayed. You'll see that a lot how many women get told"Oh yes my wife is crazy, I don't love her, I don't even sleep next to her." All the while carrying on with his wife who is totally clueless.

 

When you stop and think about it, when that happens would you actually be so wrapped up in another person that you would buy it, or would you throw caution to the wind and expose yourself to the betrayed? I mean one thing all cheaters have in common is that they are Liars, either by commission or omission.

[elaine567]

...he liked being married.

 

I think that is usually the bottom line. I am not going to wax lyrical about MM loving their wives more or the joys of wedded bliss, but the subset of guys in affairs did not choose divorce to fix either themselves or their marriage, they chose to cheat instead.

 

They like being married.

They like the status, the stability, the financial security, the shared history, the kids, the house, the garden, the pets, the neighbours, the friends, the whole thing... and whilst they may have some affection for the OW or even "love" her, she cannot ever really compete.

 

She can only compete if the BW IS truly mad or the BW kicks him out or there is a bigger problem with his marriage ie bankruptcy or his wife is also cheating or he always saw the affair as an exit affair.

Otherwise he will string both women along until the marriage is at risk.

If that happens, then he is forced to choose the option where his bread is best buttered, and thus he usually throws the OW under a bus.

[jenkins95]

I think that is usually the bottom line. I am not going to wax lyrical about MM loving their wives more or the joys of wedded bliss, but the subset of guys in affairs did not choose divorce to fix either themselves or their marriage, they chose to cheat instead.

 

They like being married.

They like the status, the stability, the financial security, the shared history, the kids, the house, the garden, the pets, the neighbours, the friends, the whole thing... and whilst they may have some affection for the OW or even "love" her, she cannot ever really compete.

 

She can only compete if the BW IS truly mad or the BW kicks him out or there is a bigger problem with his marriage ie bankruptcy or his wife is also cheating or he always saw the affair as an exit affair.

Otherwise he will string both women along until the marriage is at risk.

If that happens, then he is forced to choose the option where his bread is best buttered, and thus he usually throws the OW under a bus.

 

Absolutely spot on Elaine - this describes me.

 

One thing I've learned is how different men and women can be in affairs. During my A, at the back of my mind, I always knew it would have to end one day and I just wanted to make the "best" of it while it lasted. I assumed that the OW was of exactly the same mindset - we never talked over this. When the sh*t hit the fan, our different stances were immediately exposed. I had no idea, but she was expecting our affair to eventually lead to me leaving my W and moving in with her. This had never crossed my mind. She was devastated when she realised I had no intention.

 

So, again, I agree, most men tend to be in As for sex/fun/escape, but for women it often goes deeper than this. When they start having sex with another man regularly, it is very difficult for deeper emotions...and dreams not to develoip. This is not to say I did not develop feelings, because I did, but the bottom line was - I never planned to leave, the A was wonderful...in it's bubble. But had no place in the "real" world.

 

Having been a member here now for 2 years, this is as obvious as the nose on my face, but prior to my own A, I genuinely didn't know that men and women could be so different in this way.

Edited July 5, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Yes. I got all the blame she look him back. rings me up and says i know he was married so on, what about him hes the one who broke his vows.

 

most married woman are to blind to see there man is the pig, sorry for that word, I dont even what him now. I dont need a cheater that lairs and cant man up.

 

He will say anytime to his wife what she wants to hear. most mm will say shes crazy so on.

 

I know you're angry MissP, but I'm sure he was given a VERY hard time too by his W - and deservedly so, even if it looks like they are playing happy families to you. I'm speaking from experience here. My W was furious with both of us and even though she took me back and we are reconciling, don't believe for a minute that I got an easy time - and neither would expect or want to. It does the WS good to know exactly how much damage they have done. I think it is necessary to genuinely commit to R.

[wmacbride]

Yes. I got all the blame she look him back. rings me up and says i know he was married so on, what about him hes the one who broke his vows.

 

most married woman are to blind to see there man is the pig, sorry for that word, I dont even what him now. I dont need a cheater that lairs and cant man up.

 

He will say anytime to his wife what she wants to hear. most mm will say shes crazy so on.

 

Um, the married man is a pig? At what point did that happen? He's no different than the guy who you thought was good enough to have an affair with to be this upset over and to get pregnant on purpose with his child?

 

Neither of you has clean hands here. Blaming him and his wife for your pain is just going to make things even worse for you.

 

From all you say, he didn't lie to you, you know he was married, and you made those choices you did.

 

Not great, but the good thing is you can move on and have a happy life= so soon as you stop blaming others for your choices. I could be wrong, but I think that's coming from a place of hurt for you. Lashing out might make the hurt stop for a minute, but it won't help long term.

Edited July 5, 2017 by wmacbride

[MidnightBlue1980]

Absolutely spot on Elaine - this describes me.

 

One thing I've learned is how different men and women can be in affairs. During my A, at the back of my mind, I always knew it would have to end one day and I just wanted to make the "best" of it while it lasted. I assumed that the OW was of exactly the same mindset - we never talked over this. When the sh*t hit the fan, our different stances were immediately exposed. I had no idea, but she was expecting our affair to eventually lead to me leaving my W and moving in with her. This had never crossed my mind. She was devastated when she realised I had no intention.

 

So, again, I agree, most men tend to be in As for sex/fun/escape, but for women it often goes deeper than this. When they start having sex with another man regularly, it is very difficult for deeper emotions...and dreams not to develoip. This is not to say I did not develop feelings, because I did, but the bottom line was - I never planned to leave, the A was wonderful...in it's bubble. But had no place in the "real" world.

 

Having been a member here now for 2 years, this is as obvious as the nose on my face, but prior to my own A, I genuinely didn't know that men and women could be so different in this way.

 

This describes me exactly. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and was ready to completely throw my life away for the wonderful chance of being with this guy I thought I was in love with, even if it meant living in a railroad apartment and eating Ramen Noodles. Women tend to place love above all else and tbh, that can lead to some really bad decisions. Luckily for me, xmm did not share my vision and instead wanted both a marriage and LTA, so it all came to a crashing halt. He did completely throw me under the bus but as I've posted, his wife found out the truth in her own way.

 

My H saw it all with his male brain and saw me not as in love, but in a heart of what appeared to be a mental breakdown. Looking back, it was.

 

Like Jenkins said though, there are no free passes. It was not fun for me after the A, life was really difficult here. I got off easier than xmm who has a tracker installed on his phone and car and has all email and social media completely monitored by his wife. I'm guessing he had multiple affairs going on so she had a lot to shut down.

 

About men staying because they like being married, while this is 100% true, it may be something that women should start looking into though. I took for granted my life and family and while you should not stay in a bad marriage, there is something to be said about working it out. I have been living vicariously though several people's divorces in my personal life - in all cases the woman wanted the divorce for a bunch of reasons but no specific reason - and it's just really bad in your late 30s and 40s - kids, splitting of assets, etc.

 

The women who thought it was going to be all roses on the other side, can't seem to meet anyone as guys who are available don't want a woman in her late 30s or 40s, or if they do, it's just casual. So they are alone and angry. And the men say dating is just as hard, although their choices are better, they lack the money to date and the kid thing presents a challenge. Plus in general, they don't cope as well as women after divorce as they lack the support system.

 

Reconciliation is more than just realizing you should not have had an affair - it is realizing that what you had, was actually pretty good, and if you are missing something in your life, you don't need to take a hammer to the good parts to find it. As being the OW to someone in their own mess of a marriage, you eventually realize the role you played and you just have to let go and move on and not do it again.

[jenkins95]

This describes me exactly. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and was ready to completely throw my life away for the wonderful chance of being with this guy I thought I was in love with, even if it meant living in a railroad apartment and eating Ramen Noodles. Women tend to place love above all else and tbh, that can lead to some really bad decisions. Luckily for me, xmm did not share my vision and instead wanted both a marriage and LTA, so it all came to a crashing halt. He did completely throw me under the bus but as I've posted, his wife found out the truth in her own way.

 

My H saw it all with his male brain and saw me not as in love, but in a heart of what appeared to be a mental breakdown. Looking back, it was.

 

Like Jenkins said though, there are no free passes. It was not fun for me after the A, life was really difficult here. I got off easier than xmm who has a tracker installed on his phone and car and has all email and social media completely monitored by his wife. I'm guessing he had multiple affairs going on so she had a lot to shut down.

 

About men staying because they like being married, while this is 100% true, it may be something that women should start looking into though. I took for granted my life and family and while you should not stay in a bad marriage, there is something to be said about working it out. I have been living vicariously though several people's divorces in my personal life - in all cases the woman wanted the divorce for a bunch of reasons but no specific reason - and it's just really bad in your late 30s and 40s - kids, splitting of assets, etc.

 

The women who thought it was going to be all roses on the other side, can't seem to meet anyone as guys who are available don't want a woman in her late 30s or 40s, or if they do, it's just casual. So they are alone and angry. And the men say dating is just as hard, although their choices are better, they lack the money to date and the kid thing presents a challenge. Plus in general, they don't cope as well as women after divorce as they lack the support system.

 

Reconciliation is more than just realizing you should not have had an affair - it is realizing that what you had, was actually pretty good, and if you are missing something in your life, you don't need to take a hammer to the good parts to find it. As being the OW to someone in their own mess of a marriage, you eventually realize the role you played and you just have to let go and move on and not do it again.

 

Amen to all that midnight and I'm so glsd to see you in soooooo much better a place than this time last year. You're a star

 

Affairs bring so much sh*t....but one positive side-effect is education! I now see how naive and "wet between the ears" I was - even as a 40 year old. Boy have I learned through all this. I have learned to appreciate and cherish what I have and to work on the bits that aren't quite right (and most everything ARE right). Having an affair is almost never the answer to anyone in any situation.

 

To the original question - I had an A and I don't blame the OW. We were jointly responsible and I hope she learns from this like I am and finds happinness.