Getting Thrown Under The Bus As The OW

[Ahurtgirl]

You are right in that this is only me that is still focusing on this. I have always realized that he immediately moved on with his life. What I am asking is if anyone else has felt the same way. That they allowed their AP to cause them to feel out of control in one specific experience in life. I've always been able to get through every obstacle and hardship in my life but this experience was crazy.

[freengreen]

You need to WAKE UP! I read several posts of your suicidal thoughts. This is your life and it is now at toxic levels. Take the trash out to the dump. it is piling up and the neighbors are complaining of it's stench! You need to block this person with no way to contact you. You need to send a clear message that you highly value yourself and have raised your standards considerably. Your emotions could become a better asset at driving you to become the most successful version of yourself. I do hope you are seeking therapy for these suicidal thoughts. If someone hands you breadcrumbs,tell them that you have raised your standards and qualifications for a partner and they no longer qualify. Let THEM wallow in that.

Your post is threrapitic...* bow*

[freengreen]

I see a few people who really struggle to move on than rest of us.I feel for them . I am in the middle, not fast, not slow.

 

AHG and BW... there is no shortcut, through hell us the only way to heaven. One tip I can give is that beleving that you ARE strong enough to pull this and you will not delay it.

 

wishing good luck

[whichwayisup]

You are right in that this is only me that is still focusing on this. I have always realized that he immediately moved on with his life. What I am asking is if anyone else has felt the same way. That they allowed their AP to cause them to feel out of control in one specific experience in life. I've always been able to get through every obstacle and hardship in my life but this experience was crazy.

 

What can you do for yourself to make it better? Do a list for only you.

 

Would you consider counseling? Having suicidal thoughts is dangerous and you need a good therapist or life coach to help you.

[anika99]

I once had a relationship with a personality disordered man. Unsurprisingly our relationship didn't last but the way he ended it was horrible. It was so sudden and so cruel. I knew he had serious issues but I thought I knew him at his core. I thought that in spite of his mental problems he had integrity and principles and mostly i truly believed he loved me and would always treat me and our relationship with respect even if we ended. Overnight he seemingly turned into a man I didn't know, someone I hadn't even met. It made me question reality and my sanity. It was so traumatic and it messed me up for a really long time. It was the hardest breakup I had ever gone through and I couldn't even explain why. Why was the pain still so crushing 6, 10, 12 months later. My family were both concerned and frustrated by how long it was taking me to pull myself together and I couldn't explain it to them because I didn't understand it myself.

 

I think anytime a relationship comes to a sudden halt, especially if the other person turns on you and becomes someone different then who you believed them to be, that it's traumatic. When one has been traumatized they can't expect to get over it quickly. The mind wants to make sense of it and it takes a long time to process. Sometimes it becomes necessary to get professional help.

 

OP you were traumatized by the way this affair ended and so you should not feel crazy or like you are not normal because you cannot just brush yourself off and move on in a short period of time. I think many people have been in your shoes where a relationship or break up has left them feeling and acting crazy. I'm not sure what exactly his wife has done to make you feel wronged by her but keep in mind that she was also traumatized by this and likely feels crazy at times too.

 

All you can do is keep taking it one day at a time. It would probably help a great deal if you could stop focussing on he and his wife but I also get why that's hard to do. When I went through my traumatic ending my counsellor said i should expect it take about 2 yrs to heal. I balked at that because that sounded too long and also how on earth could she pin it down to specific timeline like that? But it turns out she was right at least in my case. I had obsessive thoughts and daily excruciating pain for the first 6 months. The next 6 months were much the same with periods of relief and good days sprinkled in here and there. Then in the next six months the good days started to outnumber the bad, it stopped being the very first thing I thought about every morning and the last thing I thought about before falling asleep. The next six months I was in the home stretch. I still thought about it but didn't have much pain attached. I started picturing my future instead of hurting over the past. The breakup had become a memory. A bad memory, but still just a memory instead of something I lived and breathed every day.

 

If I'm not mistaken I believe you are coming up soon on the 1 year mark of ending this affair. That means you are about to turn a corner and your healing will begin to accelerate so don't despair because you are still suffering. As long as you remain in complete no contact you will continue to get better and better.

[BaileyB]

You are right in that this is only me that is still focusing on this. I have always realized that he immediately moved on with his life. What I am asking is if anyone else has felt the same way. That they allowed their AP to cause them to feel out of control in one specific experience in life. I've always been able to get through every obstacle and hardship in my life but this experience was crazy.

 

With time, dear girl.

 

You will move forward exactly when you start to take responsibility for your decisions and stop feeling like this is something that happened to you - that they did, to you. The feeling that you are a victim in this situation jumps off the page when you post. That is what you need to change.

 

You were a married woman who made a terrible decision to get involved with a married man. The risk was high, and it didn't work out for you. Perhaps, you were very naive to think that it would work out for you given the situation. We all make mistakes in life, learn from this. Accept responsibility and understand that only you are responsible for creating happiness in your life. You will move past the pain and hurt only when you decide that you will not carry it around with you any more... only when you decide to let it go...

[MidnightBlue1980]

You are right in that this is only me that is still focusing on this. I have always realized that he immediately moved on with his life. What I am asking is if anyone else has felt the same way. That they allowed their AP to cause them to feel out of control in one specific experience in life. I've always been able to get through every obstacle and hardship in my life but this experience was crazy.

 

Yes, of course. I cannot remember what happened with the legal issues in your situation and I was lucky in that his wife actually was the one who removed him from my life, so I have no ill will towards her at all. But yes, I also watched him move on effortlessly with his life and felt very out of sorts for the entire 2016.

 

There is no magic answer. I felt a lot better after 6 months of NC and I've since blocked them both on FB and broke the link on LinkedIn. It was more for me, although she would check up on me through his page. I don't really think about them much anymore.

 

Plus it is important to realize that while he was a real class act, I was not a victim. Anyone who gets involved with someone who is married has to realize that the married person is no prize and that if he/she is lying to their spouse, they are totally lying to you. And that you getting involved in someone else's relationship does not make you a fabulous person here either. It's important to realize the role you played in this situation, that you willingly chose this role and you can also un-choose it.

 

As long as you remain thinking that this is something happening TO you, you will feel like a helpless victim and have no power to move on. Better to say, yea, that was a sleezy thing I did and not my finest moment. I probably got what I deserved getting involved with someone also of low moral fiber. I'll do better next time with my choices in life.

 

If you own it, then you reclaim your personal power.

[misspalmy]

Yes he did, I couldnt handle it. one of the reason i had to tell his wife too as it wasnt heathy for me.

 

but now im trying to move on. have painting rocks for kids and hiding them in parks. its big over here the rock hunt:p

[misspalmy]

I am a bit confused with your post as it's quite contradictory to your actions

 

On the day of the affair started was he not a pig then /a cheater a liar or was he gods gift to womankind then

 

Did he become that after Dday and would not take steps to leave his wife For you ...so he becomes a pig

 

If she rang you up and said you knew he was married does not mean she does not blame him ...but you knew he was married so take responsibility for your actions in the affair too.or were you that gullible to believe a man who throws his wife under the bus would not one day do the same to you.

 

I don't understand why are ws a liar a cheater a pig / with no backbone after Dday when he is all of the above on the day the affair started ...

 

after dday as he was playing games, saying he was doing a dna test and never turn up

[travelbug1996]

No one can make you feel crazy unless you give them the power to do so. Especially not someone's cheating a$$ husband. let him make someone crazy.

 

Own your power. Take control of your own emotional life and well being. Its called "personal responsibility'.

[Poppy47]

You have been through a traumatic and probably, hopefully, one offm never to be repeated experience.

 

I can tell that you are still working through it. It would be normal to feel bitter and crazy.

 

See how you feel after the 12 month mark. Sometimes with that first anniversary, the rawness tends to subside.

 

It would be great if you sought some help from somewhere. It is fine for people to tell you that you are strong, but what do people on a forum really know about each other? You sound very vulnerable and unsteady.

 

Best wishes,

Poppy.

[Ahurtgirl]

There wouldn't have been any contact since last August but he lost his mind about him feeling slighted by something said about him six months earlier and contacted me this Feb. He acted like a three year old having a tantrum, contacted my extended family members, and I had to contact the police and an attorney. Spent over 3K on attorney fees because his wife and him teamed up against me. We added in a no contact clause for my safety and him acting like he was the victim, for him also. The attorney said it was the most frivolous lawsuit he has ever seen and that this guy was just being a big baby and also because the guy knew what was stated was true. He is a coward on all accounts. What a mess!

So I guess if I base the time frame from when it ended in august, I should be doing better soon. However, the lawsuit was more recent and added more hurt to the devestation he had previously caused.

[Ahurtgirl]

Quote: Anyone who gets involved with someone who is married has to realize that the married person is no prize and that if he/she is lying to their spouse, they are totally lying to you.

 

Thank you for reminding me of this. I was married to someone who was gay and we were no longer living as a married couple. I guess that is how I tend to rationalize the difference from how he was probably in a normal marriage and didn't have his spouses support on his involvement with me... I was clueless to the fact that he was cheating on her since he made me believe he loved me and not her and was working at being with me in the future. My ex husband supported the relationship I had with my exMM and was also hoping my affair partner was going to marry me. Very different type of situation than most I would guess.

[BaileyB]

There wouldn't have been any contact since last August but he lost his mind about him feeling slighted by something said about him six months earlier and contacted me this Feb. He acted like a three year old having a tantrum, contacted my extended family members, and I had to contact the police and an attorney. Spent over 3K on attorney fees because his wife and him teamed up against me. We added in a no contact clause for my safety and him acting like he was the victim, for him also. The attorney said it was the most frivolous lawsuit he has ever seen and that this guy was just being a big baby and also because the guy knew what was stated was true. He is a coward on all accounts. What a mess!

So I guess if I base the time frame from when it ended in august, I should be doing better soon. However, the lawsuit was more recent and added more hurt to the devestation he had previously caused.

 

Based on this information, I'm surprised you have any feelings left for him at all. What a terrible human being. Be glad that you are free of him and focus on the good things that are to come.

 

Have you spent any time talking to a counsellor?

[What_Did_I_Do]

No, the AFFAIR made me crazy. All logic and reason was completely thrown out the window. I became a needy, shaky, co-dependent, drivelling mess. Said and did things I would never do in a normal relationship. It was almost like I watching myself from the outside, or watching some lost, hopeless, hapless character on a TV set where I was yelling "get a grip woman" at the screen but she couldn't hear me. What a nightmare.

[freengreen]

No, the AFFAIR made me crazy. All logic and reason was completely thrown out the window. I became a needy, shaky, co-dependent, drivelling mess. Said and did things I would never do in a normal relationship. It was almost like I watching myself from the outside, or watching some lost, hopeless, hapless character on a TV set where I was yelling "get a grip woman" at the screen but she couldn't hear me. What a nightmare.

same here .. the embarassment and the cringe is enormous when I think about it

[freengreen]

There wouldn't have been any contact since last August but he lost his mind about him feeling slighted by something said about him six months earlier and contacted me this Feb. He acted like a three year old having a tantrum, contacted my extended family members, and I had to contact the police and an attorney. Spent over 3K on attorney fees because his wife and him teamed up against me. We added in a no contact clause for my safety and him acting like he was the victim, for him also. The attorney said it was the most frivolous lawsuit he has ever seen and that this guy was just being a big baby and also because the guy knew what was stated was true. He is a coward on all accounts. What a mess!

So I guess if I base the time frame from when it ended in august, I should be doing better soon. However, the lawsuit was more recent and added more hurt to the devestation he had previously caused.

how do you still have any positive feelings for him?!..

[Arieswoman]

I don't agree with all of Truthsmack's post - a bit of a cynical view of marriage IMO.

However, these nuggets of wisdom jumped out at me;

 

Apparently you have replaced actual deep emotional feelings with a massive desire to appear better than others and a fear-based obsession with attaining false security.

 

So think about what you're actually fighting over.

 

Wise words

[goodyblue]

Ew. This mentality is so gross. Do you women not realize that you make it easy for men to have their cake, pie, ice cream, blonde, Asian, Latina, milkshake?

 

Have you not noticed that fugly ass narrow-shouldered, small d*ck, pot-bellied morons are walking around with Barbie dolls on stilts because you are all so easy to manipulate and pit against each other?

 

Do you not understand what they are doing? They recycle women. A man hooks one woman just so he can make another jealous and "climb the ladder." The only time they keep a wife is if she has money or she's constantly cooking, cleaning and wiping his ass. If and when that man is able to find an upgrade he will dump her for the next. In the meantime, dudes will keep a wife or girlfriend to use as a tool to score others.

 

"Wife material" actually means: "this ho will look the other way when I cheat aaaand she makes me dinner." To modern men, a good wife is one who will NOT question his questionable behavior.

 

And females are making it SO EASY!

 

Why are women so attracted to men in relationships? Why are women so attracted to men with money?

 

Apparently you have replaced actual deep emotional feelings with a massive desire to appear better than others and a fear-based obsession with attaining false security.

 

Yo man is getting off on watching women fight over his ass, ladies. Look at these pieces of junk objectively for once. Strip away his facade of money, his cheap talk, his expensive clothes, his fancy car, the illusion of worth that he's built up around himself via manipulating other women... and what do you have?

 

Is he even good in bed? Or are you imagining things based off a mirage he's created.

 

If his solid c*ck doesn't give you a mind blowing orgasm every day as he's looking into your eyes and kissing you so passionately that you can imagine yourself doing it in a f**king wild ass jungle scene... then he's trash. And a man who's sleeping with more than one woman at a time can't do that.

So think about what you're actually fighting over.

 

What are you, 25? You sound very naive when it comes to... well, anything I don't know a single man who behaves the way you are describing

[elaine567]

And females are making it SO EASY!

I agree that women in general make it so easy for men to be manipulative, self serving and disrespectful to women.

 

Throw a few "I love yous" at a woman and she is putty in his hands.

Naivety rules.

Every day on this forum, women in dreadful relationships with frankly awful men (married or unmarried) exhibiting horrendous behaviours and doling out obvious manipulative nonsense, are absolving him of any blame, as he says he loves her...

 

NO rational thinking whatsoever.

If it was another women treating her this way she would be up in arms, but because she is "programmed" to accept such garbage from men she puts up with it.

A woman "in love" is supposed to put up with just about anything and even be grateful...

Many men especially married men in affairs, know that very well and take full advantage.

 

Is it then any wonder that his "I love yous" turn to dust on D-day?

[freengreen]

Truthsmack has some valid points..

 

But it gets closer to accuracy when we see a person as a 'type' rather than gender, race or age. People who are damaged are weak in knees to start with and even a drop of a pin makes them waver already.

 

Its such irony that damaged people stteact more damage...

[elaine567]

 

Its such irony that damaged people stteact more damage...

 

Blood in the water entices the shark.

[freengreen]

Blood in the water entices the shark.

when the comment on the quote is better than the quote itself...

[wmacbride]

I'm not so sure I agree with the scenario of all married men are leches preying on poor, unsuspecting and foolish women.

 

That just feeds into the whole "it's not my fault" scenario, and turns women into perpetual victims, like sheep at the mercy of the wolf.

 

I'm sorry, but unless a man ( or a woman) is a serial cheater, then it's pretty hard to accept they are preying on people of the opposite sex who are powerless to say "no".

[cocorico]

I'm not so sure I agree with the scenario of all married men are leches preying on poor, unsuspecting and foolish women.

 

That just feeds into the whole "it's not my fault" scenario, and turns women into perpetual victims, like sheep at the mercy of the wolf.

 

I'm sorry, but unless a man ( or a woman) is a serial cheater, then it's pretty hard to accept they are preying on people of the opposite sex who are powerless to say "no".

 

I think even when they are serial adulterers, they're still not (automatically) predators. The AP always has the option of saying No.

 

There are some con artists out there, and some abusers, and people who do genuinely prey on others - but they're a minority, and probably as likely to be single as married (and if they're married, more likely to present as single). Most MM / MW are not con artists, nor predators. Most OW / OM are not victims - unless they choose to become such, or to deny their own agency so as to rationalise their behaviour to be consistent with their morality.