Getting Thrown Under The Bus As The OW

[BTDT2012]

Please don't tell your daughter that she should pursue men. I hope you will tell her to avoid advances from married men.

[Girlfromcali]

It's weird but I remember watching a Netflix show called "love" when the couple started dating but it was a rocky start.

 

I was feeling sorry for them and thinking my love with MM was so intense and over the top emotional that it surely has to mean more. I felt sorry for those who didn't feel the crazy drug like intense being crazy in love emotions.

 

Now I never want to feel those feelings again because they are roller coaster emotions based on hurt and inconsistency, fear of rejection, insecurity, and obsession.

[BTDT2012]

Let's see... no, it's not me and who I attract. My exhusband who I was married to for over 20 years was NOT that type of man. He never pursued. He was very kind and caring. We are still best friends. He is an example to all men of how to treat and respect a woman. If he wasn't gay, we would still be married.

 

Why were you open to an affair?

[Starswillshine]

AHG, it is time you start taking some responsibility in your role here. You were not the victim. This is keeping you stuck and you are unable to move forward.

[BaileyB]

Let's see... no, it's not me and who I attract. My exhusband who I was married to for over 20 years was NOT that type of man. He never pursued. He was very kind and caring. We are still best friends. He is an example to all men of how to treat and respect a woman. If he wasn't gay, we would still be married.

 

 

Your husband was GAY! Respectfully, you have not attracted or had a healthy relationship with a healthy, available, single, straight man!

 

My goodness, of course men pursue women... They do it all the time. Please do not tell your daughter that men should not pursue her or she will grow up with a totally warped view of relationships and she will never be able to have and/or enjoy a healthy relationship...

 

With all due respect, if people are telling you that this should be made into a lifetime movie, that's not a compliment. YOU made a very bad decision to get involved with a married man and it turned out badly for you. Any other woman would have seen this man for what he was and said "I'm not doing this with you..." But you, and your husband, thought he was your future...

 

I'm sorry, but you really must accept responsibility for your decisions - YOU made the decision to get yourself into this mess. Don't worry about teaching others from your mistakes because the person who still has not learned the lesson from this whole affair - is YOU!

Edited August 17, 2017 by BaileyB

[anika99]

Actually, no, real men don't pursue. Men who have a narcissist personality pursue. I have spoken to counselors, relationship experts, religious leaders, and many happily married couples. ALL of them have explained to me that men like my exMM pursue... not good moral minded men. Good men let women come to them.

 

You seem to be confusing men who pursue a woman in a normal healthy fashion with men who come on too hard and too strong. It's true that men who come on really hard in fast, for example, calling or texting multiple times a day before a relationship has even been established, talking about love and marriage or moving in together within the first few months of dating, putting pressure on the woman to reciprocate their sentiments...yes those are red flags and it's not a bad idea to tell your daughter to be wary of men who do that. However that's a lot different than telling her that every man who pursues her is evil and up to no good. There is nothing wrong with a man asking a woman out, taking her on dates and bringing her flowers or gifts when it's time appropriate. Women don't generally make the first move and so how on earth would the species survive if society decided that only bad men pursue women?

 

Furthermore the fact that your MM pursued you wasn't even the biggest or most major red flag in your situation. The main red flag is that he was MARRIED. The biggest lesson you should have learned and that you should pass on to your daughter is Don't Date Married Men...ever. For some reason you seem to want to dance around the inappropriateness of getting deeply involved with a man who was married and very much living with his wife. You give a whole host of other reasons, such as "he pursued me" "he lied", "he's a narcissist" etc, in order to absolve yourself on any personal responsibility for your decisions.

 

Why do you refuse to accept responsibility? When you are able to accept that you made a huge error in judgement and you made some very poor decisions you will be empowered, because it is empowering to realize that we have complete control over ourselves and our lives. It's empowering to recognize our own faults because we can work on those faults to become wiser happier individuals. As long as you keep heaping all of the blame on the MM and his lies you will remain unenlightened and powerless.

[Grammie]

Men shouldn't pursue women? Women should pursue men? what????

 

Men who give flowers and pay attention to someone are bad?

 

Being in an affair with a married man was your issue - not necessarily the man. You willingly and willfully chose to engage in an affair and accept a ring from a married man.

 

You really should be careful what you are telling your child -- it seems like you are still very angry about the ending of your affair.

 

People PURSUE people - men, women --- there is no rule on who should do the pursing. But someone has to pursue or else it is two strangers not saying a word to each other, not letting the other know they are interested.

 

Try showing her a healthy relationship - with a single man (or a divorced man) with healthy boundaries and healthy respect for each other.

[RecentChange]

Hurtgirl.....

 

From what you have told us, it sounds like you have never had a healthy relationship, have a very hard time recognising red flags, and engaged in doozy of an affair.

 

Your experience is atypical, at best - more like an extreme outlier.

 

Generally in HEALTHY relationships men persue, women choose. Laws of nature and all of that. Persuing a man who does not show a strong interest in you is not how most healthy relationships are formed.

 

My husband chased the hell out of me, and didn't give up when I first scoffed at his advances.

 

But ya know, he wasn't married, I wasn't married. I gave him a chance and discovered we are quite compatible.

 

It's worked for us for over 15 years.

 

Your experience.....so very very far from what most of us understand when it comes to relationships.

 

I think these "lessons" you are teaching your daughter will do her a great disservice.

 

Know what my dad taught me? Love a man who respects you. Who places your needs first. Who shows you love above all others. Who can communicate and understand you, and you can understand him.

 

Start there... Don't tell her that men that persue are bad. Tell her not to engage in extramarital affairs.

[Hip Pocket]

Interesting concept, that real men don't pursue. I disagree and say they do, it's human nature.

 

I'm thinking you're confusing narcissistic men with real men. Narcissists are boys wrapped up in a man's body. You were likely pursued by one because you were found to be weak, compassionate, intuitive, or a combination of all of the above. Your story is not unique, it's only unique to you, except for the law suit which I've not read up on.

 

Many of us have dealt with a narcissist or two. We learn and then we move on. And many good Rs are formed no matter who does the pursuing. I have a friend who once rationalized with me that if I only allow myself to be pursued then I only have a pool of those who pursued me to choose from, and what if none of them were good enough? She was right! So if I ever decide to end things with my MM I will likely do the pursuing in the future.

[travelbug1996]

Actually, no, real men don't pursue. Men who have a narcissist personality pursue. I have spoken to counselors, relationship experts, religious leaders, and many happily married couples. ALL of them have explained to me that men like my exMM pursue... not good moral minded men. Good men let women come to them.

 

 

Please don't teach your child this. She will be chasing men the rest of her life. I hope you don't determine this as a belief for yourself. This is very unhealthy to believe. The bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. It doesn't say a woman who pursues a man will find a good thing.

 

You were pursued by a psychopath. This is not typical. If you teach your daughter to have healthy boundaries she will attract healthy people. Don't project your trauma onto her.

[Poppy47]

Tell her what you did when she is old enough and advise her not to do the same.

 

Lead by example and by being truthful.

 

I do not agree that men do not pursue women. Of course they express their interest. Giving a gift or flowers, does not automatically make a man a psychopath. You would do your daughter a disservice if you teach her this.

 

Teach her that MARRIED MEN who do this with single women are dangerous.

 

Poppy.

[somanymistakes]

Men and women are both people. At our hearts we're a lot less different than we like to believe. Men can be kind and nurturing, women can be lecherous, BOTH of them can be horrible narcissists who will use you for their own purposes and discard you. People lie, cheat, and steal. But not all people, never all people, just some people.

 

There's nothing wrong with a man honorably pursuing a woman, or a woman honorably pursuing a man. It's all in how they go about it.

[wmacbride]

AHG, it is time you start taking some responsibility in your role here. You were not the victim. This is keeping you stuck and you are unable to move forward.

 

It's easy t blame the mm for the affair, but really, it takes two. Two people who. for whatever reason, decided that the relationship is one they wanted.

 

One of the most important words a woman can learn is how to say "no" when they don't feel a relationship will be good for them, and really mean it.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean, but because it really gives a woman ( or man) a lot of power over their life.

[Globug]

Actually, no, real men don't pursue. Men who have a narcissist personality pursue. I have spoken to counselors, relationship experts, religious leaders, and many happily married couples. ALL of them have explained to me that men like my exMM pursue... not good moral minded men. Good men let women come to them.

 

 

 

WHAT??? LOLOLOL I am sorry not trying to be rude but this is the silliest thing I EVER heard. Real men pursue. Not in a crazy all consuming way but in a respectful, getting to know you courtship way. My DH pursed me we have been together 20 years. My Dad pursused my mom. They were married for 40+ years till he passed away.

 

 

It is very simple. Have NOTHING to do with a married man. A MARRIED man that will pursue another woman has issues. Do not look TWICE at someone who is married. Do not have a friendship with just a married man. If you teach your daughter to be the pursuer all the time that is a whole other level of getting messed up and used by men that like to feel full of themselves & use women.

 

 

I am not trying to be mean but PLEASE go to another counselor if you think a man pursuing you has issues & you need to pursue the man. You need to have self worth, know your worth & wait till a man treats you accordingly. NEVER pursue a man. You are worthy for him to make the effort.

Edited August 18, 2017 by Globug