Getting Thrown Under The Bus As The OW

[freengreen]

Throwing under the bus is a stronger phase for not taking the blame...it starts at the age of 4

 

...and this is an affair we are taking about, obviously, it will be all over the place... initially the BS, then the affair partner; but someone will always be run over by that bus.

[aileD]

Yes. I got all the blame she look him back. rings me up and says i know he was married so on, what about him hes the one who broke his vows.

 

most married woman are to blind to see there man is the pig, sorry for that word, I dont even what him now. I dont need a cheater that lairs and cant man up.

 

He will say anytime to his wife what she wants to hear. most mm will say shes crazy so on.

 

Hold up. Let's be realistic here. You were okay with a lying cheater UNTIL he started lying and cheating to YOU. Because you signed up real quick when he was lying and cheating on his wife. If you cared about those aspects of someone's character, you would not have even been the other woman to a married man. We talk about BS and MM being delusional, this is the OW version.

 

Everyone in an affair needs to take responsibility for their own actions and the consequences of those Actions.

[Maraud3r]

Sounds like your husband was one of the few married men who actually loved and respected his other woman which helped him take his responsibility in his part of the affair. Most blame the OW when it all falls apart.

Well, obviously. Usually their partner has an attachement to them, while they often have a vested interest in maintaining the relationship. So the cheater whether male or female will often throw the person they cheated with under the bus and the betrayed spouse who tries to salvage the relationship will leap at the chance of shifting some blame

 

I'm not certain why some people are so surprised by this. While the spouse cheated, the person they cheated with is the intruder. The cheated on spouse has no relationship to them in most cases or not as close a relationship. So they end up as lightning rod. If they knew the person they had an affair with was in a commited relationship, they have none to blame but themselves and wholly deserve it.

 

Yes. I got all the blame she look him back. rings me up and says i know he was married so on, what about him hes the one who broke his vows.

 

most married woman are to blind to see there man is the pig, sorry for that word, I dont even what him now. I dont need a cheater that lairs and cant man up.

 

He will say anytime to his wife what she wants to hear. most mm will say shes crazy so on.

Here's the thing. You are just as bad as him. You were fine with him untill he turned on you. You are shifting all the blame to him, he to you.

Edited July 5, 2017 by Maraud3r

[pheonixrisen]

Does the MM usually blame the OW for the a:p:pffair when it ends and his wife finds out? What stories have you heard about affairs and did the MM blame the OW when it ended to make himself look innocent?

 

Yeah they do ....on dday he went from she pursued him she is psycho a loose loud woman whom he did not like and he would never marry even if I left him

 

so he had an affair with a woman for 2 years and he did not even like her ..he was being forced.

 

But take heart ...they likely throw everyone under the bus

To the ow ...my wife is not good enough marriage was plagued from day one

To the wife ...she pursued me I was forced .

 

They change alter stories /history/ reality to how it suits their needs or thier reasoning .

[pheonixrisen]

Yes. I got all the blame she look him back. rings me up and says i know he was married so on, what about him hes the one who broke his vows.

 

most married woman are to blind to see there man is the pig, sorry for that word, I dont even what him now. I dont need a cheater that lairs and cant man up.

 

He will say anytime to his wife what she wants to hear. most mm will say shes crazy so on.

 

I am a bit confused with your post as it's quite contradictory to your actions

 

On the day of the affair started was he not a pig then /a cheater a liar or was he gods gift to womankind then

 

Did he become that after Dday and would not take steps to leave his wife For you ...so he becomes a pig

 

If she rang you up and said you knew he was married does not mean she does not blame him ...but you knew he was married so take responsibility for your actions in the affair too.or were you that gullible to believe a man who throws his wife under the bus would not one day do the same to you.

 

I don't understand why are ws a liar a cheater a pig / with no backbone after Dday when he is all of the above on the day the affair started ...

[Joie]

My WH didn't blame the OW.

 

In the beginning I certainly gave him the chance. I would have loved it if he joined me in placing all the blame on her, calling her names, and dreaming about destroying her. Once I calmed down I realized that no one forced him to be a cheating idiot.

 

He acknowledged that it was his fault. That she isn't an evil person (though he does let me call her names). He never claimed she forced him or tricked him.

 

She believes that he wronged her because he ended the contact via text. But he never blamed her.

[Ahurtgirl]

Quote: "So, again, I agree, most men tend to be in As for sex/fun/escape, but for women it often goes deeper than this. When they start having sex with another man regularly, it is very difficult for deeper emotions...and dreams not to develoip. This is not to say I did not develop feelings, because I did, but the bottom line was - I never planned to leave, the A was wonderful...in it's bubble. But had no place in the "real" world.

 

Having been a member here now for 2 years, this is as obvious as the nose on my face, but prior to my own A, I genuinely didn't know that men and women could be so different in this way."

 

If it had no place in the real world, why did my exMM propose to me with a diamond ring, gave me copies of his 401K, pension plan, house financial market value for selling to buy a house with me, took me to look at houses his dad had for sale (his dad was a realtor), talked about how custody and child support would work for his kids, wanted me to get a job in his city, and would talk about how he wanted to be happy. He even CALLED my husband at the time, to ask him to allow him to pursue happiness with me so we could be together.

I guess I don't see where you state how how men and women could be so different. When you tell a female all of the above and even call her spouse, how do you expect her to interpret it? Jeez!

I was thrown under the bus after being made to believe I was the one he wanted to be married to. He has no idea how hurt and devestated he left me. He never should have future faked. I would have never slept with a man I wasn't planning on marrying. Never!!!

Edited July 5, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[BaileyB]

I was thrown under the bus after being made to believe I was the one he wanted to be married to. He has no idea how hurt and devestated he left me. He never should have future faked. I would have never slept with a man I wasn't planning on marrying. Never!!!

 

Well, with all due respect, this is probably the reason why he did what he did. He likely knew that you wouldn't sleep with a man you were not planning to marry, so he led you to believe that he was planning a future with you. I can appreciate how you must have believed him, because he went to a lot of effort to convince you that you would be together. It was a cruel and hurtful thing to do. But still, you must expect when you begin an extramarital affair that someone was going to get thrown under the bus... It was either going to be you, or your respective spouses.

[wmacbride]

Well, obviously. Usually their partner has an attachement to them, while they often have a vested interest in maintaining the relationship. So the cheater whether male or female will often throw the person they cheated with under the bus and the betrayed spouse who tries to salvage the relationship will leap at the chance of shifting some blame

I'm not certain why some people are so surprised by this. While the spouse cheated, the person they cheated with is the intruder. The cheated on spouse has no relationship to them in most cases or not as close a relationship. So they end up as lightning rod. If they knew the person they had an affair with was in a commited relationship, they have none to blame but themselves and wholly deserve it.

 

 

Here's the thing. You are just as bad as him. You were fine with him until he turned on you. You are shifting all the blame to him, he to you.

 

 

I sure didn't "leap". I assigned blame the way I felt it was earned.

 

I wanted her out of my life. I tried everything from being as nice to her as I could be to seeking legal help, and she still hung on. The whole A was only a coupe of weeks, and I'm not even the one who she had the affair with!

 

About ten years later, I had finally had enough. I explained the situation ( briefly) and asked him to help her find a way to move on.

 

I feel bad for her, as at least as far as I can tell, a lot of this comes from her being badly treated when she was a child. I wish that hadn't happened to her. Not just for my own reasons, but because I hate the idea of a child having to go through a rough time and then still carry the wounds as an adult.

 

No matter how much she p@ssed me off, I can't help but think of her as still being the little girl who was abused. It's horrible, and I hope she gets help.

[wmacbride]

Quote: "So, again, I agree, most men tend to be in As for sex/fun/escape, but for women it often goes deeper than this. When they start having sex with another man regularly, it is very difficult for deeper emotions...and dreams not to develoip. This is not to say I did not develop feelings, because I did, but the bottom line was - I never planned to leave, the A was wonderful...in it's bubble. But had no place in the "real" world.

 

Having been a member here now for 2 years, this is as obvious as the nose on my face, but prior to my own A, I genuinely didn't know that men and women could be so different in this way."

 

If it had no place in the real world, why did my exMM propose to me with a diamond ring, gave me copies of his 401K, pension plan, house financial market value for selling to buy a house with me, took me to look at houses his dad had for sale (his dad was a realtor), talked about how custody and child support would work for his kids, wanted me to get a job in his city, and would talk about how he wanted to be happy. He even CALLED my husband at the time, to ask him to allow him to pursue happiness with me so we could be together.

I guess I don't see where you state how how men and women could be so different. When you tell a female all of the above and even call her spouse, how do you expect her to interpret it? Jeez!

I was thrown under the bus after being made to believe I was the one he wanted to be married to. He has no idea how hurt and devestated he left me. He never should have future faked. I would have never slept with a man I wasn't planning on marrying. Never!!!

 

I'm really sorry he lied to you like that. It sounds like it was horribly painful for you.

[aileD]

Quote: "So, again, I agree, most men tend to be in As for sex/fun/escape, but for women it often goes deeper than this. When they start having sex with another man regularly, it is very difficult for deeper emotions...and dreams not to develoip. This is not to say I did not develop feelings, because I did, but the bottom line was - I never planned to leave, the A was wonderful...in it's bubble. But had no place in the "real" world.

 

Having been a member here now for 2 years, this is as obvious as the nose on my face, but prior to my own A, I genuinely didn't know that men and women could be so different in this way."

 

If it had no place in the real world, why did my exMM propose to me with a diamond ring, gave me copies of his 401K, pension plan, house financial market value for selling to buy a house with me, took me to look at houses his dad had for sale (his dad was a realtor), talked about how custody and child support would work for his kids, wanted me to get a job in his city, and would talk about how he wanted to be happy. He even CALLED my husband at the time, to ask him to allow him to pursue happiness with me so we could be together.

I guess I don't see where you state how how men and women could be so different. When you tell a female all of the above and even call her spouse, how do you expect her to interpret it? Jeez!

I was thrown under the bus after being made to believe I was the one he wanted to be married to. He has no idea how hurt and devestated he left me. He never should have future faked. I would have never slept with a man I wasn't planning on marrying. Never!!!

 

 

My husband did similar things with his OW.....and the only way I can explain it is like this. It's a fantasy. A dream.... It may be a fantasy he thinks he wants...he may even really want it.....but obviously when it came right down to the time to pull the trigger on it.....he couldn't do it...that's when fantasy meets reality and things change.

 

It's almost like dreaming about having a mansion on an island with beautiful views and perfect weather....it may be something you talk about all the time and pine for..discuss how you'll decorate and the parties you'll have and all that stuff. ...but then if someone gives you a mansion on an island and wants to bulldoze your current home...you suddenly have to think about the reality "oh, I can't leave my town...my whole family is here, my kids friends, my job....it would be so nice to just up and move but it's just not possible, I'd have to give up too much. And we've been in this house so long, so many memories, I'd hate to see it bulldozed ".

 

Suddenly you start to see your house and your town isn't that bad, it could actually be great if you put an addition on or redo the kitchen. Etc etc etc

 

I don't think some mm intentionally lead their ow on (and some do)....here's just a mental and emotional disconnect between the fantasy life and the reality of life and when those two words collide and overlap one usually gets pushed out.

Edited July 6, 2017 by aileD

[jenkins95]

Quote: "So, again, I agree, most men tend to be in As for sex/fun/escape, but for women it often goes deeper than this. When they start having sex with another man regularly, it is very difficult for deeper emotions...and dreams not to develoip. This is not to say I did not develop feelings, because I did, but the bottom line was - I never planned to leave, the A was wonderful...in it's bubble. But had no place in the "real" world.

 

Having been a member here now for 2 years, this is as obvious as the nose on my face, but prior to my own A, I genuinely didn't know that men and women could be so different in this way."

 

If it had no place in the real world, why did my exMM propose to me with a diamond ring, gave me copies of his 401K, pension plan, house financial market value for selling to buy a house with me, took me to look at houses his dad had for sale (his dad was a realtor), talked about how custody and child support would work for his kids, wanted me to get a job in his city, and would talk about how he wanted to be happy. He even CALLED my husband at the time, to ask him to allow him to pursue happiness with me so we could be together.

I guess I don't see where you state how how men and women could be so different. When you tell a female all of the above and even call her spouse, how do you expect her to interpret it? Jeez!

I was thrown under the bus after being made to believe I was the one he wanted to be married to. He has no idea how hurt and devestated he left me. He never should have future faked. I would have never slept with a man I wasn't planning on marrying. Never!!!

 

It sucks Ahurtgirl it really does and your xMM seems to have gone further than most - I mean, a diamind ring? Wow! And to actually call your husband. I can see that you, perhaps more than most, really thought that it was going to happen. With those actions, why wouldn't you? It is so unbelievably cruel.

 

Sorry if my post hurt you. I can see that on some level he really did intend to be with you. Perhaps he meant it, but simply couldn't do it. You see, here's the thing - it's one thing to make plans (and mean them) with the AP when lying in each others arms, probably post-coital, full of hormones, so connected, infatuated, that warm fuzzy feeling fizzing through both of your bodies, with a bottle of wine on ice, all alone in your own little bubble completely isolated from the rest of the world.

 

However, when the WH arrives back in his home - there in front of him are all his home comforts, his nice car, etc - and then he sees his BW working hard to make his dinner while at the same time looking after his kids - kids who love him, look up to him and come running up to him for a hug. It's quite a different thing to put your plan into action when hit with this kind of reality. In fact those plans may take on a very different light when viewed in the cold light of day when he really sees what he could be losing and what damage he would be doing.

 

It's a bit like some of the ideas we have when we are drunk. They can seem like the best ideas in the world at the time and we are sure we are going to follow them up and that they will improve our lives. But the next morning in the cold light of day, with a hangover - they often don't seem like such a good idea!

 

I'm not saying he didn't love you, but at the end of the day, he couldn't leave them. Was he a coward? Was he Selfish? Was he stupid? Did he allow himself to be seduced by the whole fantasy? Guilty on all counts. No question about it.

 

It's a story that we see again and again and in the end, we all hurt - BS, WS, AP. You can get past this (((Ahurtgirl))). Keep posting and know that LS posters are here for you.

 

Bottom line - never have an affair. They destroy lives.

Edited July 6, 2017 by jenkins95

[elaine567]

If it had no place in the real world, why did my exMM propose to me with a diamond ring, gave me copies of his 401K, pension plan, house financial market value for selling to buy a house with me, took me to look at houses his dad had for sale (his dad was a realtor), talked about how custody and child support would work for his kids, wanted me to get a job in his city, and would talk about how he wanted to be happy. He even CALLED my husband at the time, to ask him to allow him to pursue happiness with me so we could be together.

I guess I don't see where you state how how men and women could be so different. When you tell a female all of the above and even call her spouse, how do you expect her to interpret it? Jeez!

I was thrown under the bus after being made to believe I was the one he wanted to be married to. He has no idea how hurt and devestated he left me. He never should have future faked. I would have never slept with a man I wasn't planning on marrying. Never!!!

 

Ok, but all of this would be totally understandable apart from the fact you knew he was married and he had been for all of the 4.5 years you knew him.

I am not being sarcastic or trying to bash you but how did you rationalise that?

What were your thought processes?

Did you never go "Wait a minute this is 6/12 now and nothing has really changed, ...1 year and nothing has changed...2 years still nothing...3 years nothing... almost 4.5 years ...and nothing...

 

"He is still married, still creeping around and his wife knows nothing about me."

Did that not worry you?

[BaileyB]

Exactly Elaine.

 

Let's say that he chose to leave his wife and she and the kids got thrown under the bus. How do you reconcile that? Would it somehow feel ok that they got thrown under the bus because you were "in love" and finally together. No. It shouldn't.

 

You knew he was married... You knew that you were doing something you shouldn't be doing and you knew that it was a big risk... So yes, he got carried away and really made you believe that it would be ok and you would be together... But, there is some responsibility to accept in knowing that this could be the result when you chose to have a relationship with a married man.

[jenkins95]

He even CALLED my husband at the time, to ask him to allow him to pursue happiness with me so we could be together.

 

Can I ask how your husband reacted to this? Did the MM approach your husband with your consent or off his own back? Did he also tell his own wife? Are you still with your H? I assume not? Apologies - I realise the answers to these questions are probably somewhere in your other posts.

[Ahurtgirl]

"Can I ask how your husband reacted to this? Did the MM approach your husband with your consent or off his own back? Did he also tell his own wife? Are you still with your H? I assume not? Apologies - I realise the answers to these questions are probably somewhere in your other posts."

 

My ex husband is GAY. However, my exMM did not realize this and I wasn't fully aware of it at the beginning of my affair. So when the MM called my ex husband, if anything, he was relieved I had found someone who loved me in a way that he couldn't. My ex husband was very supportive about my relationship with my exMM.

No, my exMM did not have my consent to call my husband at the time. I only found out he did that recently.

[jenkins95]

"Can I ask how your husband reacted to this? Did the MM approach your husband with your consent or off his own back? Did he also tell his own wife? Are you still with your H? I assume not? Apologies - I realise the answers to these questions are probably somewhere in your other posts."

 

My ex husband is GAY. However, my exMM did not realize this and I wasn't fully aware of it at the beginning of my affair. So when the MM called my ex husband, if anything, he was relieved I had found someone who loved me in a way that he couldn't. My ex husband was very supportive about my relationship with my exMM.

No, my exMM did not have my consent to call my husband at the time. I only found out he did that recently.

 

Thanks for answering my questions Ahurtgirl. I am pulling for you in your recovery - you will get there. Your exH sounds like he could still be a very good friend and support for you? I hope so.

 

Keep posting.

[Ahurtgirl]

When I look at my life, I have it together. I have friends and family that love and support me, a great career, an exhusband who is a wonderful friend, the most sweet and caring daughter any mother could dream of, and having lost my parents and a baby, God has helped me through those difficult times. However, I was an absolute hot mess when it came down to dealing with all the emotions during and after the affair. I still am on a roller coaster of emotions from the legal settlement he caused and I fully believe I will never forgive him or his wife for that. I want to be at that neutral point of healing where it doesn't matter the harm and financial cost he caused in my life but boy is it hard to get there. I believe God will take care of what he did to me as what goes around comes around, but I hope by that time, I won't care if the Karma bus hit him and his wife or not. I really dislike how for this one specific situation in my life, my mind won't let go and heal like I want it to. The resentment against him and his wife consumes me.

Edited July 7, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[Bastile]

Women have driven me around the bend more times than I've had hot dinners.

 

My modus operandi has been to put things down to experience. Though I suppose you can invoke the wrath of god on this fellow, if you like.

 

We all deal with things differently *shrugs*

[ClassyTaste]

Never allow anyone to 'make you,' feel negative about yourself or inferior. You are in control of this, not him. You are giving this waste of space too much power in your life. Turn the pain into hate mixed with indifference. There is no such thing as karma. Go on to use these intense feelings to do wonders in your life. Succeed beyond your expectations. Success and happiness for your self is the best revenge. He is baggage you do not need in your life.

[BreakingWave]

I understand, AHG. I have a lot of things going on in my life. From the outside, things look pretty good. Inside, I'm a mess. Had an affair with someone I considered one of my best friends and she's thrown me away like a piece of trash. My entire sense of self-worth and pride has been shattered.

 

No, it doesn't make sense. Yes, our rational brains understand that we are not defined by how one person chose to treat us. Our emotional selves, however, are retarded - I mean that in a literal sense, not a perjorative one. Our emotional selves simply don't process things on time, they are delayed for reasons seemingly beyond our control. Some people do move on much faster. I think they probably have healthier senses of self-worth and self-esteem to begin with. For those of us who struggle with those, these things can be absolutely devastating.

[ClassyTaste]

I understand, AHG. I have a lot of things going on in my life. From the outside, things look pretty good. Inside, I'm a mess. Had an affair with someone I considered one of my best friends and she's thrown me away like a piece of trash. My entire sense of self-worth and pride has been shattered.

 

No, it doesn't make sense. Yes, our rational brains understand that we are not defined by how one person chose to treat us. Our emotional selves, however, are retarded - I mean that in a literal sense, not a perjorative one. Our emotional selves simply don't process things on time, they are delayed for reasons seemingly beyond our control. Some people do move on much faster. I think they probably have healthier senses of self-worth and self-esteem to begin with. For those of us who struggle with those, these things can be absolutely devastating.

 

 

You need to WAKE UP! I read several posts of your suicidal thoughts. This is your life and it is now at toxic levels. Take the trash out to the dump. it is piling up and the neighbors are complaining of it's stench! You need to block this person with no way to contact you. You need to send a clear message that you highly value yourself and have raised your standards considerably. Your emotions could become a better asset at driving you to become the most successful version of yourself. I do hope you are seeking therapy for these suicidal thoughts. If someone hands you breadcrumbs,tell them that you have raised your standards and qualifications for a partner and they no longer qualify. Let THEM wallow in that.

[stillafool]

When I look at my life, I have it together. I have friends and family that love and support me, a great career, an exhusband who is a wonderful friend, the most sweet and caring daughter any mother could dream of, and having lost my parents and a baby, God has helped me through those difficult times. However, I was an absolute hot mess when it came down to dealing with all the emotions during and after the affair. I still am on a roller coaster of emotions from the legal settlement he caused and I fully believe I will never forgive him or his wife for that. I want to be at that neutral point of healing where it doesn't matter the harm and financial cost he caused in my life but boy is it hard to get there. I believe God will take care of what he did to me as what goes around comes around, but I hope by that time, I won't care if the Karma bus hit him and his wife or not. I really dislike how for this one specific situation in my life, my mind won't let go and heal like I want it to. The resentment against him and his wife consumes me.

 

If you want God's help you have to start with forgiveness. As long as you don't forgive expect to be stuck in this same position of bitterness and hate. It is only affecting you, not them.

[DKT3]

I'm not looking to be an a hole but you are not a victim. You made decisions that put you in a inappropriate situation. One could say it's your karmic payment.

 

I believe part of healing is accepting responsibility, MM didn't do anything to you that you didn't put yourself in position to have done to you.

 

Simply put, you ,a MARRIED woman, made a decision to get involved with a MARRIED man, whatever happened after was/is a direct result of that decision. Had you never had sex with a married man, would any of the resulting situations have happened?

[whichwayisup]

If you want God's help you have to start with forgiveness. As long as you don't forgive expect to be stuck in this same position of bitterness and hate. It is only affecting you, not them.

 

I agree, forgive yourself for choices. Forgiveness is for you so you can move on.

 

Bolded. As long as you hang onto the anger and hate, the more unhappy you'll feel. That's preventing you from healing and moving on. Get counseling so you can heal in a healthy and productive way.

 

They aren't focusing on you nor losing sleep over this, yet you are!

 

I hope you can work through this and come out stronger and feel at peace so you can live a happier life overall.