Getting Thrown Under The Bus As The OW

[BaileyB]

Yes, it actual does matter. If you read on 'emotional rape', 'psychopath love' and how men 'groom' women so that they will give them what they want, you'd understand how affairs really can be the responsibility of the man. I know who I am and this wasn't in my nature to do. If you are ignorant to believe that all affairs are by men and women who have low moral, low self esteem, are broken, etc., you are sadly mistaken. A psychopath has the ability to mess with your mind, make you believe all his lies, fall for his charm, brainwash you into doing things you would never normally do, etc.

It's so good to finally have an answer to how I ever got into an affair type situation.

 

I'm starting to wonder if you have some psychopathic tendencies...

 

Seriously, I have no doubt that he was a smooth operator who manipulated you into believing that you would be together. What he did to you was really awful. But, the way you shift the blame such that you don't have to accept any personal responsibility for your own decisions is something else...

Edited July 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[JuneL]

If some married man love-bombed me like that, it would have creeped the hell out of me.

[Ahurtgirl]

I'm starting to believe that you have some psychopathic tendencies...

 

I have no doubt that he was a smooth operator who manipulated you into believing that you would be together. But, the way you shift the blame such that you don't have to accept any personal responsibility for your own decisions is something else...

 

Nope, I will not take responsibility for what he did to me. I have taken responsibility for how the affair affected my daughter, how it affected a couple of my friendships, and how my exhusband had his hopes up for it to work out for me and my exMM because my exhusband fell for his BS also (exhusband is gay and was happy I had found someone), and for the 3K I spent on legal fees dealing with exMM threatening my safety, BUT saying I have some psychopathic tendencies is not true.

[BaileyB]

If some married man love-bombed me like that, it would have creeped the hell out of me.

 

Absolutely!

[BaileyB]

Nope, I will not take responsibility for what he did to me. I have taken responsibility for how the affair affected my daughter, how it affected a couple of my friendships, and how my exhusband had his hopes up for it to work out for me and my exMM because my exhusband fell for his BS also (exhusband is gay and was happy I had found someone), and for the 3K I spent on legal fees dealing with exMM threatening my safety, BUT saying I have some psychopathic tendencies is not true.

 

It was not intended to be a true statement. And, you should definitely not take responsibility for what he did to you. HE is responsible for his despicable actions.

 

At the end of the day, you are responsible for YOUR decisions. Your big mistake was getting involved with a untrustworthy, married man. That was not on your list... And it probably should be at the top of your list.

Edited July 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[Ahurtgirl]

Ha... now that I have learned what a psychopath presents himself as, yes, I would now run like hell the other way. If my daughter ever dates any man that showers her with affection like the exMM did and any other red flags I now am aware of, I'll do my best to guide her to let that one go.

[Ahurtgirl]

It was not intended to be a true statement. And, you should definitely not take responsibility for what he did to you. HE is responsible for his despicable actions.

 

At the end of the day, you are responsible for YOUR decisions. Your big mistake was getting involved with a untrustworthy, married man. That was not on your list... And it probably should be at the top of your list. Quote.

 

Obviously it's on the top of my list. Once you experience being involved with any married man, let alone a phychopath married man, you never get involved with another married man. I would think anyone who has read my story would realize that I never want to be involved with a MM again. Any reader who can relate or understand the nightmare would know that.

[GeekLover]

Ha... now that I have learned what a psychopath presents himself as, yes, I would now run like hell the other way. If my daughter ever dates any man that showers her with affection like the exMM did and any other red flags I now am aware of, I'll do my best to guide her to let that one go.

 

Perfect. You've learned something from this. But keep going!

 

I think what some of the other posters are saying, is that you need to also look deep inside YOURSELF and figure out why you were able to get swept away in the affair.

 

This is what I meant by my post. I needed some answers that explained my xOM's actions so that I could start to figure out my own mistakes. I desperately want to learn from this so I can be a better person and never find myself in the same kind of scenario again. Too many people were hurt, myself included.

 

It's what I was hoping for when I chose to go back to therapy (with a NEW therapist than I had before as well). I went through the first 6 months self-reflecting...but I knew I needed more, so I searched for a new therapist that I felt I would match well with. At the time, I wasn't really sure what I needed...I just knew I wanted to improve myself as a person.

 

It's a great step to look into the other person's faults. It will eventually provide you with answers. But it shouldn't stop there. Your next best step is to now look inside (as difficult as it might be), and repair yourself.

 

Two sessions ago, my therapist mentioned that she was happy with the progress I was making and she asked me, "What do you want from these sessions going forward?" I didn't have much of an answer, apart from a very vague, "I want to be happy."

 

I now know how I'm starting my next session with her...I will be telling her exactly what I would like from our sessions. I want to explore the reasons why I missed those red flags. They are so obvious to me now, but I need to make sure I fully understand my own mistakes and why I made them so I am confident not to make them again. To me, that is taking responsibility of MY OWN issues, not just learning from other those of others.

Edited July 23, 2017 by GeekLover

[Ahurtgirl]

Perfect. You've learned something from this. But keep going!

 

I think what some of the other posters are saying, is that you need to also look deep inside YOURSELF and figure out why you were able to get swept away in the affair.

 

This is what I meant by my post. I needed some answers that explained my xOM's actions so that I could start to figure out my own mistakes. I desperately want to learn from this so I can be a better person and never find myself in the same kind of scenario again. Too many people were hurt, myself included.

 

It's what I was hoping for when I chose to go back to therapy (with a NEW therapist than I had before as well). I went through the first 6 months self-reflecting...but I knew I needed more, so I searched for a new therapist that I felt I would match well with. At the time, I wasn't really sure what I needed...I just knew I wanted to improve myself as a person.

 

It's a great step to look into the other person's faults. It will eventually provide you with answers. But it shouldn't stop there. Your next best step is to now look inside (as difficult as it might be), and repair yourself.

 

Two sessions ago, my therapist mentioned that she was happy with the progress I was making and she asked me, "What do you want from these sessions going forward?" I didn't have much of an answer, apart from a very vague, "I want to be happy."

 

I now know how I'm starting my next session with her...I will be telling her exactly what I would like from our sessions. I want to explore the reasons why I missed those red flags. They are so obvious to me now, but I need to make sure I fully understand my own mistakes and why I made them so I am confident not to make them again. To me, that is taking responsibility of MY OWN issues, not just learning from other those of others.

 

Like I said before, the reason I fell into it was because of him being a psychopath. I know how strong willed I am and know that I am better than most women. You have no idea how hard he pursued and worked to get me to give him any sort of attention. I was naive though, in my understanding of this type of man. It's not me at all. I'm emotional healthy, have an awesome support of friends and family, my neighbors adore me, all my daughter's friends call me their second mom, and even my exhusband loves me so much. If he hadn't been gay, I wouldn't have given another man a second thought.

I have an amazing life ahead of me. Once I heal from this, I will be back to my amazing self again.

[Ahurtgirl]

I actually have no doubt I was the better woman. It really was his lose in staying with his wife. I also have no doubt that the reason things blew up the way they did was that God was protecting me from something I thought I wanted. I have a feeling someday he is going to realize that he lost the best thing that could have happened for him and his kids. I already realize what a mistake it would have been for me. I know I deserve someone so much better.

[GollumsNightmare]

Gently, what people are trying to tell you is this:

 

He did what he did because of HIS shortcomings. Maybe he is a psychopath, maybe not. It DOESn'T matter. He is irrevelant.

 

You did what you did because of YOUR issues. Not all of the blame can be placed at his feet. It would be very helpful for you to continue to dig for YOUR "whys". Forget him and focus on you. Focus on why you allowed yourself to be treated with such disrespect. THEN, you will have personal growth and be able to avoid this kind of unhealthy relationship in the future.

[Deidre]

My affair is over but I find funny things to think about it at times. One thing I remember doing is comparing myself to his wife. He would tell me that I was more beautiful than her, that I was more compassionate, better sense of humor, understood him better and he said our sex was the best he ever had.

His wife and I were two very different people. She saw herself as high value and I struggled with my self esteem. She was blonde, I have very long dark hair. We were both successful and both church involved women. We both loved our kids. She liked to drink socially. I didn't. She would tell him off and I did the same at times.

I have no doubt he told her that SHE was more beautiful and that the sex with her is the best, etc. Just funny how women try and compare themselves to try and compete. My ex married man's wife actually said to me, "don't you think we should let him choose who he wants to be with" as she was so self confident in herself. She did win but in reality, she won herself a cheater.

 

Exactly, she won nothing. And he'll cheat again. She's not confident, she's co-dependent. A confident woman would have told him to go eff himself and dumped him.

[anika99]

Like I said before, the reason I fell into it was because of him being a psychopath. I know how strong willed I am and know that I am better than most women. You have no idea how hard he pursued and worked to get me to give him any sort of attention. I was naive though, in my understanding of this type of man. It's not me at all. I'm emotional healthy, have an awesome support of friends and family, my neighbors adore me, all my daughter's friends call me their second mom, and even my exhusband loves me so much. If he hadn't been gay, I wouldn't have given another man a second thought.

I have an amazing life ahead of me. Once I heal from this, I will be back to my amazing self again.

 

I don't mean to offend you but emotionally healthy women do not spend years being the OW. There is a reason that the MM picked you and there is a reason that you agreed to be his secret.

 

As I said before I spent some years with a personality disordered abusive man. After a horrific breakup I spent some time obsessing over his behaviour, his flaws. I wanted to figure out what was wrong with HIM. Eventually my preoccupation with his issues became somewhat repetitive and boring, and unsatisfactory. Over time questions like "why did he do that?" turned into "why did I accept that?" "How could he do this to me?" turned into "why did I let this happen to me?"

 

It was hard to accept that I had allowed myself to be pulled into a unhealthy relationship due to my own issues. I wanted it to be all his fault, I wanted to believe that I was perfectly fine and he was the screw up. But I wasn't fine, I was devastated, I felt destroyed. The pain humbled me enough to become willing to examine myself. When I met him I had recently ended a 7yr relationship with an alcoholic. The alcoholic was a man who starved me of affection and intimacy. He behaved as though it pained him to spend any meaningful time with me. Besides being a drinker he was a man's man who didn't really value women as much more than sexual pleasure. He didn't abuse me, most of the time he was actually quite kind and respectful towards me, he just didn't have much use for me.

 

I finally gathered the courage to walk away from mr alcoholic and shortly thereafter I met mr personality disorder. I was attention starved and love starved. When mr personality disorder started laying on the charm I lapped it up like a person dying of thirst. He told me everyday how beautiful I was, how special. Like your MM, mr personality disorder also compared other women unfavourably to me. Told me I was better than other women, I was prettier, I was smarter, I was more fun, I was kinder. He had nothing but unkind and nasty things to tell me about his exes, while heaping compliments and flattery upon me. Being the pathetic creature I was at the time, I actually basked in his flattery. I was too needy and dumb to realize that it's actually disgusting and insulting for a man to badmouth his ex gf to his new gf. I realized in time that my first downfall was my need for attention and ego strokes.

 

OP, with all due respect, you are not better than most women. You have qualities and flaws just like most women have qualities and flaws. You spent 4 yrs being the OW. 4 yrs hanging your hopes on the destruction of another woman's marriage and family. You spent years listening to this man say horrible things about the woman he married, the woman he had children with, the woman HE was cheating on, and you liked it because it made you feel good about yourself. That says something about you, not him, you. It doesn't say you are a terrible person or that you are undeserving or unworthy. It also doesn't say that you are better than other women. It says that maybe there are things in your past and in your personality that led you to this place and that maybe those things need to be examined and corrected.

 

There is no shame in admitting one's flaws. We all have them. You can sing from the rooftops how perfect you are and how you are better then others but nobody believes you, you are not convincing anyone. Why is it so hard for you to accept that you have some responsibility in all of this? The MM is 100% responsible for his decisions and you are 100% responsible for yours.

[elaine567]

I actually have no doubt I was the better woman. It really was his lose in staying with his wife. I also have no doubt that the reason things blew up the way they did was that God was protecting me from something I thought I wanted. I have a feeling someday he is going to realize that he lost the best thing that could have happened for him and his kids. I already realize what a mistake it would have been for me. I know I deserve someone so much better.

 

This is your ego talking, no doubt bolstered by your OM's flattery, fancy words and promises.

Overinflated ego is often the downfall of many OWs.

"I am younger, prettier, funnier, more intelligent, sexier, more talented and an all round better person than his wife."

"He WILL choose me as there is NO contest."

 

The ego loves competition, especially one in which it believes it is sure to win...

 

Many MM looking for "extra", know that the "competition" will keep many OWs sweet and on their toes.

Smug in the fact that she is "better" than his wife, the OW will do just about anything for him, add in a bit of future faking for good measure and it is a done deal. He gets what he wants, and she is on a slippery slope.

 

Whether or not this man is a psychopath I have no idea, but your ego did you no favours here.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Check out this video on YouTube:

 

 

This video explains a bit of what might be going on here.

[JuneL]

Anika wrote a great post!

 

OP: Now that you've learned about the traits of a psychopath, perhaps it's time to read up on what constitute the easy preys of psychopaths.

[ItStartsFromWithin]

Exactly, she won nothing. And he'll cheat again. She's not confident, she's co-dependent. A confident woman would have told him to go eff himself and dumped him.

 

 

A confidant woman wouldn't have even put herself in that position in the first place. A confidant woman doesn't get involved with a married man (as a married woman) and wait around for four years in hopes that he would throw his wife, marriage, and family into the trash bin and choose her. A confidant woman would not make an adult consensual choice to have an affair & place the blame on everyone and everything; other than herself. A confidant woman acknowledges her adult choices & takes responsibility for her decisions.

 

So, tell me again, how a mistress is NOT co-dependant? Engaging in an affair, accepting second place in MM's life. Being someone's "secret". Pushed aside on family holidays and vacations; . Always made to 'tow the line' keep sweet in a constant competition with the wife- to feel special, to feel loved, to feel like maybe; just maybe, soon: he will leave his wife & family for her & finally be a higher priority above MM wife.

 

So, you want to call a woman who wants to work on her marriage co-dependant? Ok. Fair enough. But what part of being a mistress is not co-dependant to you? Just trying to understand your rationale.

Cheers.

[wmacbride]

I think it does. Not to place all the blame on someone else and take no ownership, but to help better yourself.

 

There are reasons why some people are unable to see the red flags that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths wave. Some people see them and know to avoid them-emotionally healthy people. Others miss them. I am one of those people. The OP is one of those people. Many people on these boards are those people.

 

I think it helps put things more in perspective for those involved in relationships such as these and provides a starting point for acknowledging what needs to be changed/fixed in someone's life so they can become one of those emotionally healthy people.

 

I don't agree.

No one is qualified to diagnose someone as being psychopath unless they have had the training to do so. reading an online pop psychology article doesn't qualify a person as a psychologist/psychiatrist.

 

Secondly, the op was just as responsible for causing all this disruption as the mm. Does that make her a psychopath? Of course not.

 

The married man in the equation make not be a nice guy, and he may even be a first class jerk. Labeling him as a psychopath serves no purpose, except to assuage guilt.

[wmacbride]

Then that draw would also apply to their spouses they chose as well. I believe trying to figure out what mistakes were made to avoid them in the future is being pro active and has nothing to do with blame shifting.

 

Unless a person uses this to learn what to avoid int he future it serves no purpose except to try and wiggle out of taking any responsibility for their actions.

 

'it's not my fault...he/she is a psychopath"

 

I don't why this is all being made so complicated. If a man or woman is married, that tells a person all they need to know. If a person doesn't want to get hurt, getting involved with a mm/mw is a bad idea, no matter what personality type they may have.

[Bittersweetie]

I do see the point of your recent posts...I do think there is an aspect of affairs where one AP does groom/manipulate the other AP. I can clearly see how my AP said and did things to keep me roped in, even when he had an OOW (or I may have even been the OOW). TBH it's embarrassing the words/actions I fell for thinking there was something real between us.

 

I realized though I can do nothing about him and instead looked at why I allowed myself to listen to his crap. Why I allowed myself to walk down that path even though I knew it was wrong. Because in the end, my actions are mine regardless of who he was and I needed to deal with them myself.

 

I hope you can turn this new realization into something positive, and move toward healing and become even more stronger and better in the future. Like Anika said, there is no shame in admitting flaws and working on them. I am far from perfect but right now I am at my happiest and healthiest. Good luck.

[Ahurtgirl]

How do you cope with not being physical after your divorce?

My exhusband is gay so we rarely had sex, but the affair I had with a MM was filled with amazing daily sex for over four years. I loved and miss being physical with my exMM (he was a phychopath and wouldn't want him back but the sex was amazing). I don't want to be in any relationship right now and really have no desire to ever be in one again after what happened with my exMM. However, I miss the affection both emotional and physical. I'm very sexual and passionate by nature and I feel like the biggest part of my life that I enjoyed is gone.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If you're done with relationships in general and aren't a prude as seen by your ability to have sex with another man other than your hubby why not check out OLD and find someone to hook up with or have a casual NSA sex with?

 

I'm not sure what's so hard about this.

[Ahurtgirl]

I think of all the std and other diseases that can be aquired by sexual contact. In our affair, I knew I was safe since I only had been with my exhusband who was only with me. However, my xMM had been with 10 other women in college and other women during our affair. He told his wife it was only me and that he used protection. One of his many threatening things he yelled at me right after d day was to never tell his wife we didn't use protection... for the four+ years that we were sexually active on a mostly daily basis, we never used protection. I know I need to get tested before I start a new relationship but does the spouse who decides to stay with his/her cheater think about possible diseases that may have been transferred? It completely grosses me out now that I am realizing how many women he had his d*ck in... Nasty!!!

[Ahurtgirl]

I learned that what I thought was love, that sharing everything with each other, planning a future together, all the ups and downs in life and in a relationship, the daily good and bad, difference in how we raise our kids, etc., all the dreams and hopes we had to become a family and be involved together in our kids sports, etc.... was all lies on his part. Future faking is one of the cruelest things a man can do to a women.

I will never forgive him for what he did to me, the emotional distress he caused and the pain he put my family through. I have forgiven myself for falling deeply in love with a married man who kept telling me he wanted to pursue a life with me.

What I thought was real love for over four years turned out to be him just having fun.

[elaine567]

Unfortunately that is often the reality, but the trick is really to notice and take heed of the word "married" before swallowing anything he may say.