Getting Over Losing a Love and Friend

[JamesNorrington15]

So, I told a girl I had a crush on her after she showed extreme interest and the fact that we were in a relationship without a name in a sense. She talked about having kids and junk with me. A lot of future talk. She initially seemed okay and wanted to make plans to hang out. I sent her a thank you note that weekend for help on a project, but it became gushy at times and was 5 pages long. Fast forward to the following Monday, she writes a beautiful response saying she is sorry for toying with my emotions and that I am a respectable person and great friend. Well, that night, I avoided her and seemed a bit embarrassed and I know it was noticeable, but she gave me a handshake after hugging literally everyone else. The following night, I apologized for my behavior and said she is a great friend. She told me she cannot remain in a strong friendship with me out of respect for her future husband. I asked her if she was sure, wanted a date (dumb), and wrote a goodbye saying I understand, thank you for the year of friendship and I wished her luck. I immediately unfollowed her on social media because I promised her that I will not be an intrusive presence, that I would maintain an open social media profile so she could keep tabs on me if she wished with no pressure to be on a friend's list, and that was the best way for me to honor my word as I worked on myself.

 

Since then, I found out that she is hanging out from a mutual friend that she is hanging out more with a guy friend of hers that is supposedly my polar opposite and a bit of a loser, she has a few more guy friends, she gets extremely shy around men even if she is extremely flirty, and she probably thought I came on too strong. A mutual friend said she has buried herself in family and work since then probably because of how things unfolded.

 

A few weeks of NC later, she unfollowed and blocked me on one social media platform (I noticed my follower count drop and investigated) and she is no longer a network contact on a networking site with me, but I found out that she is still viewing all of my posts and profile as her credentials pop up in weekly activity reports. She also unblocked my briefly on one outlet, but I let it be and did not follow or block. I posted pictures of a wedding and being happy and was blocked again the following morning. I went one month of NC and sent an email and a network request to check up on her, tell her I have no anger towards her, and that just because I want to move forward with life does not mean I will not forget her kindness and that my heart grew fonder without her and that I felt a spiritual love for her in God (dumb thing to say, I know). She rejected the network request, but did not block me. I sent a request to join my network through a page for her club at school (I know she runs the page) and I accepted and like a bozo I deleted removed her club page. She has not responded in a week, so I sent an email and apologized for putting her in a bad spot with my feelings, that I respect the fact that she was professional, that I am sorry for everything I said or did and do not expect an apology, and that I would be moving on to start my career.

 

I have had a hard time dealing with this. We were very close as whatever we were, but it hurts not talking to her. The fact that she made it sound like she was going to erase me from memory really hurt, but she has to cope that way, it is her right, she is probably smart for doing that, and I am not entitled to her friendship. She was literally my shadow who knew everything about me and copied everything from my movements, lingo, and where to purchase clothes. Her friends also said she was really into me. I admit it, I now know it was love that I felt. I am going NC again because I think I am being ghosted and might deserve that and I need to get over this. I have a hard time sleeping now, I see her in everything I do, and I only feel good things for her. I erased our texts and emails yesterday, but it was a trip down memory lane and I saw that I put in way too much interest at the end and she was into me when I was more passive. I sit and think about in my downtime at work, I cry a bit, and I hope that one day we can just talk in some way. She was my friend and I just want to know if she is happy, with or without me.

 

How should I move on from here? I wasted a month scheming to win her back when there is no path for that and I clung on to hope. Her and my friends say she is doing a rebound relationship and she has even admitted it. A few girls at my friend's wedding hit me up to give them a ring, but I do not want to use someone to fill a void so early on. I hangout with friends and they say that I seem off.I am trying to learn piano, but my abilities have long way to go. I try to exercise, but I get flashbacks to pictures she sent me everyday from her morning run. I try and paint her as a villain in my mind so I do not feel such good thoughts and want to release them, but she was in the same boat as me, two college kids in our first relationship, both awkward and not knowing how to interact with each other when we were more than friends, but neither of us made a proportional move to address it. I go to church a lot more, but even that reminds me of her. How did you guys fill the void as you moved on? Any hobbies that you took up? I want to self-improve, but for myself, not the fantasy of her coming back that I still cannot shake.