jerrygordon3 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Okay met someone who is worth a shot and we are talking about mmving in together so here's the issue I need advice on. Pros: she's gorgeous, sweet, caring, and selfless. Wonderful mother of two and hard worker. She treats me good and the sex is great. We get along pretty well Cons: she has two kids. One of whom is special needs and will never leave the house. She has no degree. She is a serve at Applebee's. her entire family and support system lives two hours away and she moved to San Diego two months ago and is trying to get on her feet because her children are moving here and she will be juggling two jobs and taking kids to school etc. So my question is... I'm concerned this isn't for me. I may end up being primary bread winner, sacrificing a lot etc. A little about me. Very ambitious. Degree. Nurse. Make good money. Competitive bodybuilder. I plan on continuing my education, investing in real estate, and being very busy professionally for the next few years at least.. I also train once to twice a day. I feel like she's worth a shot, but I'm wondering if the " shot" is going to be shooting myself and my dreams in the foot. It's a huge responsibility and wonder if the intimidation is giving me cold feet for the right.... or the WRONG reasons. HALPPPPPP!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 You posted about this months ago and it sounded like a bad idea then. Still a bad idea. Pro tip: a relationship where you refer to someone's children as a negative is not a relationship for you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Dude, don't do it. I quickly read your past posts. This girl sounds pretty jealous. And that doesn't even touch on her financial stability. If she's already planning on moving to San Diego, is she already assuming she's moving in with you? San Diego is pretty expensive from what I can remember. Would she be able to support herself if she got her own place? Because it sounds like she's banking on you to help her out. And with all your plans it definitely sounds like this would get in your way. (BTW, this is coming from a single mom of two who lives in a pretty expensive area. My boyfriend (who makes double what I make) moved in with me, but even if he moved out, I'd still be able to make it on my own. It doesn't sound like that would be the case in your situation.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 But I'm not sure if that means her and I should break up cause... I mean if she could change HER financial situation and all that eventually cool.... idk... moving in together. If it's a HARD no... then does that mean we should also break up cause it's not like this situation is going to change. I don't know what to do... tings are going great but just the kids and my goals thing. I feel like I bring a lot to the table and she brings a lot of.... hang ups to the table. sometimes when I think about it I feel like we would be splitting rent and I would have freedoms still and financially it would be easier on both of us. If we split rent equally ya know... but the more I think about it the more I'm honestly just not sure Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) try spending a couple of weeks living with her just as a trial, see if it is ok discuss money Edited July 4, 2017 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 How long have you been together? If less than 1 year do not move in. Have you ever cared for her special needs child all alone for 24 hours? If not, don't move in. This kid is FOREVER & the kid needs a lot. Since you used the phrase "ball & chain" don't marry. You are not ready. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) There are too many unknowns to decide anything about moving in together, and once you do so, it is very difficult to disengage without a lot of drama and hurt. If you want to pursue this relationship, let her live in her own place, move her kids down and deal with them on her own, and stay over at her place for increasing periods of time so that you'll know what to expect from the entire situation. Only then - if you can handle it all and still want to pursue the relationship - should you seriously consider moving in together. She needs to be able to make it on her own, without you, because if this does not work out, she'll have to anyway. You don't want to feel the guilt of kicking her and her kids out if it doesn't work. So, proceed carefully - if at all. This is a complex and difficult situation, and that will carry into any long term relationship, so do your due diligence in the short term. If she pressures you to move in anyway, then she is probably using you. That would be a red flag to immediately end this relationship. Edited July 4, 2017 by central 5 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Honestly, you make this all sound like a business arrangement. You haven't brought up the most important question at all. Do you love her? If you loved her, who makes the most money wouldn't matter. If you loved her you'd love her children. I'm impressed that she works two jobs to care for her children, and still finds time to give you great sex and treat you well. Personally, and no offense intended but, I think you'd be doing her a big favor by moving on. You seem way more concerned about what she can do for you than what you can do for her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 I make good money, have an education, no children, no baggage. Whatever you wanna call it. I'm only going to keep moving forward too financially etc. She does not make good money. She doesn't have a great job. She has two kids one of whom is special needs. I bring a lot of financial help both now and later to the table. She brings the complete opposite. Less freedom for sure at least. I'll probably have to sacrifice a lot financially to help her w the kids... I'm not against it... but being together 6 months. I'm finally really getting my life together and I feel like I'm completely in my right mind by weighing who and what is being " brought to the table ". I love her... but I've loved before where I was 100% about the girl. I wanted to marry her. I stuck w her through everything. In turn she cheated and abused the **** outta me. This one I don't love her crazy head over heels it's more like... relaxed. Happy. Easy going. We both work a lot and live an hour away from each other. I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts because I almost think I'm sabotaging things because the kids thing scares me and I should just stop being a baby and give this an honest shot. Kids and all. And if after a year I'm not sold then time to break things off idk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 I e worked hard to get where I'm at and I'm protecting myself from bad situations so I just need advice. I've never live with two kids or been a family man before I'm single!!! ? Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I think you need to go back and re-read all your own posts. You do NOT sound like a man who wants this anymore than we want it for you. If anything, I think you're trying to convince yourself that this is the natural next step despite a host of red flags. Why must you move in together at all?? I agree with d0nnivain, if you have been dating for less than a year, this is a very bad idea. Moving in together is always challenging even at the best of times never mind adding in financial challenges, lack of goal setting, absence of family support and a special needs child that isn't yours. I don't understand why moving into together is your best option. Tread carefully. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 If you even have to ask this question then she's not the one for you. Wait till you find a girl you feel so strongly about that it would be your honor to be a stepfather and care and provide for her disabled child. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Find someone else. She is not the one for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 I've been trying to barter about this because she's such a good girl to me. But it is a giant responsibility. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I've been trying to barter about this because she's such a good girl to me. But it is a giant responsibility. :/ I'm sure she's good to you now. Once you settle down with her and you start living together, that can change between running the household, childcare, and paying the bills. If you two live together long enough, the state might consider you married and you could be liable to pay child support should you break up. Moving in together would mean accepting the role of step-father for her children. I'd take that responsibility only if I really loved the children and they loved me back. It would still be a risk because as a step-father you'd have no parental rights under any scenario. This whole thing seems very one-sided to me. You have many goals and dreams you'd be sacrificing for a woman and her two children who aren't even yours. You should realize those dreams first. Marry only to create a family of your own and even that only after you have attained your other goals. Otherwise you risk a life of regret and resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 If you two live together long enough, the state might consider you married and you could be liable to pay child support should you break up. Very few states recognize new common law marriages. California is not one of them. Even if it were, there are more criteria to be met than just living together. In the few states that do recognize common law, the couple must present themselves as married socially and legally for a certain number of years. This includes filing taxes as married and sharing a last name. So, no, in the U.S. it isn't really possible to be married by common law accidentally. Also, he wouldn't be liable for child support even if he legally married his GF and they divorced later. The children were fathered before they even met. Unless he were to legally adopt them, the only person who will be on the hook for support is their father(s). Now that that's all said... I met my DH at 24. I had 2 children who were 6 years old and 1 year old at the time. He'd never even so much as held a baby. Yes, the children limited what he and I could do and when we could do it. Yes, the children required sacrifice financially and personally. That's all naturally part of being a parent and/or step-parent. It was a huge adjustment for him. OP, have you tried spending a week or two living with them to get a feel for what life would be like if you moved in permanently? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 If she read what you wrote here and knew how you *really* felt about this - and how you're weighing up a ledger of who brings what to the table - do you think she'd want to marry you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Dirt Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Single mom? No money? No future? It isn't hard to figure out why she is with you. RUN 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 You've been going back and forth on this relationship for months now, and you still cant make a decision. Because of this, I think even considering moving in together is a really bad idea. You may need another six months on your own to be able to make a decision. You probably need to let her move, get settled, get a job and take care of her own life. You dont have to make any decisions right now. Dont be pressured to move in together, because once you do, its extremely difficult for one of you to move out again. Especially with her having 2 kids. Give it some more time. You need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 If she read what you wrote here and knew how you *really* felt about this - and how you're weighing up a ledger of who brings what to the table - do you think she'd want to marry you? Yep, this. Your relationship is a math problem, and you see her child - HER CHILD - as a burden. Don't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) So July 5 I turned 31 ( yesterday). I told you how she accuses me of stuff. Let's her insecurities turn into reality. Last week I've seen her once. That day she was distant because she had a yeast infection. But the entire week and that day she was distant because she believed that I have her an std. two weeks before it was she contacted a girl I used to date on instagram. A week before that she had a dream where I was cheating and it made her " want to hate me". So she goes to the doctor yesterday and the doctor tells her that she has bacterial vaginosis and she may have gotten it for a number of reasons and she asks him if it's possible to get that from a sexual partner but she said it's highly unlikely but it's possible so she still calls me and is trying to pin the bacterial vaginosis thing on me on my birthday even though she has proof that I didn't give her an STD. she goes on to say that I'm not supportive or patient with her because I'm getting pissed off that she keeps having insecurities and then taking them out on me and then she says I am toxic and I know why my ex treated me like this because I make girls crazy and I asked what I did to make her crazy and she said you're verbally abusive because you said that I was stressing you out and dragging you down . Which I did say. Which is not absuive. Because we've been fighting about her " anxieties and insecurities" so this goes on for 30 minutes and finally in like. Hey, it's my birthday and this is ridiculous. I gotta go. She hangs up on me. We go back and forth and she says she needs someone whose more patient. Because when she wants to believe an insecurity she should be able to bring it up whenever and I just deal with it??? So she dumps me!!!!! On my birthday. For the third time. Now I understand she's very stressed because she's trying to get on her feet in a new city and she has two kids and you know she's having these issues trusting me and she doesn't have a good job just trying to get another job so I get why she stressed, but- So I go. Hey. Third time's a charm this is the third time you've broken up with me take care and don't bother contacting me anymore. She then apologized and begged to get back together. I went on to say no. Now. I'm bummed. She was a wonderful gf in so many ways. And it would be easy to go back and be able to enjoy her company again. But I've watched her do things like this more and more often and she's started telling me I'm manipulative and I make her feel bad and I'm not patient... I've helped her in so many ways and told her big or skinny I'd love her. I tell her she's beautiful all the time and make her a priority. I've done a lot for this girl. So now she's on her way up here and I don't know what to say to ... pick her things up... totally at a loss of words at this point Edited July 6, 2017 by jerrygordon3 Needed more work Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 If anything, you should thank her for freeing you up so that you have the time to finally address why you are so drawn to unhealthy relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Don't settle for 'safe and comfortable'. If you're not head over heels in love with this girl then don't move in and don't ever marry her! She will latch onto you making it harder for you to leave if you're unhappy in the future. The responsibility you'll have (providing for her and her children) is a lot and fact that she doesn't work, she'll be relying on you for everything. Really think hard before you move in. Link to post Share on other sites
jamieoak Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I will say don't do it - just my opinion. I live in the bay area in northern CA and have many friends living in san diego and both these places are super expensive. Its impossible to survive with one income alone. Also, consider this - health insurance for special needs child I am not sure if the state of CA covers it for free so that would be a challenge. Also, whenever your gut feeling tells you that you bring a lot to the table and the other one doesn't, then it is best not to do it because that's where 'respect' becomes a bone of contention going forward. Raising kids in an expensive place like san diego is very very tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 When you're with her you dont want to be, and when she dumps you, you think you should stay with her. If she wants to dump you, then be dumped. It shouldnt take you 3 times to realize this doesnt work. Link to post Share on other sites
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