Love her, but so so hurt...

[CnfsdTXDad1]

Well, here we are nearly at New Years, and I am still married to this thing. She has become even worse.

 

Her recommendation was to get through the holidays and to make a decision after the holidays. It is now to the point where my father is STRONGLY recommending filing (he's been divorced to an awful woman, and his comment today was 'I just don't understand how she does these things. . .her actions make no sense. You need to get out.'

 

I'm not going to go into details, but let the following items sum it up for you:

1. last year I spent $3K on her for Christmas, she spent $200

2. This year I spent $1K for her at Christmas, she spent $150. To boot, she gave HERSELF a present at Christmas that cost more than all of mine put together.

3. She went out with another man until midnight, including going back to 'his hotel bar' with him.

 

Sorry, guys, I need to bolt. . .if I type any more, I'm going to have a breakdown.

 

I truly wish that the me from 5 years from now would visit me tonight and absolutely pimp slap me for even giving any oxygen to this witch and her family. They are awful awful people. Christmas Eve I was all alone because she made plans with our little boy and didn't even ask me what I would like.

 

Selfish. SELFISH.

 

I'm leaving next week. Enough is enough. She can have her cuckoo family and her inappropriate relationship with her college-aged son.

[PegNosePete]

Goodness, why on earth did you wait this long in an obviously failed marriage? You keep saying you're done, but you never actually mean it. I hope this time you do. You seem to have been flogging that dead horse for many months now. You can't claim to be surprised or shocked by her actions this holiday season because she acted exactly in accordance to what you should have expected from her! She did exactly what she has always done!

 

Glad you're finally smelling the coffee. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Why are YOU leaving when she is the unreasonable one? Leaving the marital home is almost always a BAD idea.

 

Good luck, let us know if you have any other questions or need help with anything. But most importantly, see a lawyer.

[Been]

Man I feel sorry for you but........

 

1. When she has to take her phone EVERYWHERE she goes its a huge red flag. When she goes around corners to talk so YOU won't hear that isn't good.

2. You laid the foundation for her to have 0 respect for you because you allowed her to treat you bad.

3. No amount of counseling will help you. She has no respect for you.

4. File. That's really the only thing possible at this moment.

[Downtown]

As we discussed last July, TexasDad, it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times. A BPDfamily survey found that 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending for good. I hope you're successful next week!

[bluecastle]

Man, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. Your wife sounds a bit like my ex-gf.

 

Without quite realizing it, I got sucked into a kind of Stockholm Syndrome where I was doing everything, she was doing nothing, and somehow I was always being blamed for what was wrong. It turned out she was having two affairs the whole time—and whatever guilt/self-hatred she felt for her behavior always manifested in lashing out at me. The less kind she was, the more kind I was, until one day I realized my spirit and soul were on life support. It took such a toll—and it was only a 5 month period before I pulled the plug, despite loving her.

 

You need to just get out. You know this, but you're not doing it. At this point, it sounds like you're making gestures ($1000 Xmas gifts) just to reinforce your worst ideas about her while inadvertently reinforcing the very dynamic that's draining you. You need to stop that—scorekeeping isn't healthy for anyone.

 

Again: just get out. Somewhere in there was a very real connection—savor that, and the lessons learned, and apply them to the next chapter in your journey. It's going to be a good one.

[burnt]

I have told her for years that her behavior is unacceptable. . .doesn't register. Craziness.

 

You are the poster here, so I'll comment on your behavior based on what you wrote--not hers.

 

To be absolutely honest, if I knew your wife, I would advise her to RUN from you. It is YOU whose actions, words, and behaviors that seem "crazy" to me the most.

 

Based on your posts, I do not feel for a single second that you are the kind of man who can take criticisms well, even when they are well intended. You deflect any comment about yourself and justify all your actions playing the victim role.

But I will make my comments/observations with the hope that you realize I am trying to help you:

 

WHY did you come to this site and post here? Was it to rant about your "witch" wife and get some people to cheer for you and validate your anger or was it to get some advice?

 

You are absolutely anonymous on this site; nobody knows what continent you live in. Yet, why is it that virtually everything you have written here are criticisms about your wife, and virtually not a single word is about your faults or areas that need improvements about yourself? You said she has been bad-mouthing you--about what? You have not given us any information about what exactly that she has been complaining about you so that we can perhaps get a fair picture of both of your behaviors.

 

You are so incredibly and carefully leaving out all details about yourself and only vilifying her.

When a marriage fails--both parties have some responsibilities. You seem to portray yourself as the absolute victim with nothing but sweet gentle nice guy qualities.

 

Spend a bit of time self reflecting on yourself.

 

It would be a far more productive and healthy thing for you to do to make the post about yourself and how you can improve yourself than just about bashing her had behaviors. It is YOU who needs to change.

 

A few of many things for you to think about:

• You leave her; find another place to live separately and consider filing but not discuss it with her. Yet, just a few months prior to this you spend 3K on Christmas gift for her. That is ridiculous behavior. You complain about her spending only $200 for you. I would say SHE is the sensible one. Why would you spend that much money for gifts especially when things are going downhill between you two?

You say she didn't include you in anything financially. That would make sense to me because you actually sound financially very irresponsible.

As if that is not horrific enough--months after you leave her and contemplate divorcing her--while calling her selfish, a witch, and and bashing her on this site, you go spend another 1K for gifts this Christmas? Why?

You are complaining about her spending $150. You left her. Why would she spend any money on you?

You say you kept on sending cookies and cards and sweet texts--seriously? After leaving her, those things carry virtually no meaning to a woman.

 

• More than anything else, WHY, why on earth did you marry her? Why did you stay married to her? Why did you continue on this long?

 

You seem to have an answer for everything "I love her". No, you don't.

 

No man who loves a woman would write "I am still married to this thing."

Grotesque. Simply grotesque a way to speak of anyone.

 

End the marriage.

Work on yourself.

See a counselor to figure out what is going on with YOU and why you choose such dysfunctional states for yourself.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

Goodness, why on earth did you wait this long in an obviously failed marriage? You keep saying you're done, but you never actually mean it. I hope this time you do. You seem to have been flogging that dead horse for many months now. You can't claim to be surprised or shocked by her actions this holiday season because she acted exactly in accordance to what you should have expected from her! She did exactly what she has always done!

 

Glad you're finally smelling the coffee. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Why are YOU leaving when she is the unreasonable one? Leaving the marital home is almost always a BAD idea.

 

Good luck, let us know if you have any other questions or need help with anything. But most importantly, see a lawyer.

I waited this long because I thought she might realize what she's done to our family, but with her sister-in-law in her ear constantly badmouthing me while telling her how great she is, it's doomed. The sad thing is that I've realized so much about her lately. Her whole life is a castle of cards: when it comes tumbling down. . .and it will. . .it's going to be ugly. She has no idea, and I can't try and explain to her any longer. I need to live my life. I held on because of how seriously I take the institution of marriage, but I've realized that I can't be married to the institution of marriage: I am married to a woman, and when that woman turns out to be as cruel, spiteful, and vindictive as this one, it's time to jet. I wish her well, but she's doomed, I fear. Her next one will be marriage #3, and I know that's what scares her.

 

Yes, I have seen a lawyer, and that is all set. I just don't want to pay that much when we have no divisible assets, etc. The lawyer wants $5K, but I can't justify that when we've been completely separate financially for the duration of our relationship. But then again, I don't feel like doing all of this crap on my own, so I'm going to ask her to pay for half.

[BaileyB]

Nobody can treat you badly without your permission.

 

If you are done with this relationship, then file for divorce.

 

You don't need her permission to make this decision.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

Man I feel sorry for you but........

 

1. When she has to take her phone EVERYWHERE she goes its a huge red flag. When she goes around corners to talk so YOU won't hear that isn't good.

2. You laid the foundation for her to have 0 respect for you because you allowed her to treat you bad.

3. No amount of counseling will help you. She has no respect for you.

4. File. That's really the only thing possible at this moment.

You're absolutely correct. There is no coming back from any of this. Respect has been gone for way too long for her, and I did allow it. It's never coming back. She even pulled this crap last night, too: she was supposed to go out to a 'quick dinner' with family while I watched our son, which ended up going back to a family member's house without telling me. Meanwhile, I had a large project for work due last night that I couldn't complete in time because of her lack of respect.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

As we discussed last July, TexasDad, it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times. A BPDfamily survey found that 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending for good. I hope you're successful next week!

Thanks, man. It kills me for our son, but as my friends and family have told me: you need to start looking out for yourself.

 

The big sign for me was when multiple guy friends told me the same thing separately: 'I wouldn't have done 5% of what you've done', 'I never would have put up with a fraction of that crap', and the last one was 'I consider myself a good guy. . .a really good guy. You? You're a f***ing saint for doing what you've done.'

 

I even started going to church over this, and that has been a huge saving grace (no pun intended) for me. Never thought I'd attend, but it's usually when we're going through something horrible that we end up at church.

 

I just want my life, my sanity, and my happiness back again.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

scorekeeping isn't healthy for anyone.

 

apply them to the next chapter in your journey. It's going to be a good one.

Wow, great words, and great advice. Thank you very, very much. I know the future is going to be amazing. It's just that right now I can't see that due to this veil of darkness in front of me. I just want sunshine again. I'm a very happy positive person, but this is absolutely sucking the life right out of me. I'm a shell of the person that I once was.

[BluesPower]

The sad thing is that I've realized so much about her lately. Her whole life is a castle of cards: when it comes tumbling down. . .and it will. . .it's going to be ugly. She has no idea, and I can't try and explain to her any longer.... I held on because of how seriously I take the institution of marriage, but I've realized that I can't be married to the institution of marriage: I am married to a woman, and when that woman turns out to be as cruel, ... it's time to jet. I wish her well, but she's doomed, I fear. Her next one will be marriage #3, and I know that's what scares her.

 

You know I felt this way once... I was so worried that my wife could not take care of herself and she might, might, get custody of my kids who were little at the time, that I stayed for at least 10 years longer than I should have, really maybe 15.

 

The thing is, look man, she has been having an affair for what a year that you know of???

 

It is way past time to end this thing for good, don't waste anymore time on her...

[CnfsdTXDad1]

You are the poster here, so I'll comment on your behavior based on what you wrote--not hers.

 

To be absolutely honest, if I knew your wife, I would advise her to RUN from you. It is YOU whose actions, words, and behaviors that seem "crazy" to me the most.

 

Based on your posts, I do not feel for a single second that you are the kind of man who can take criticisms well, even when they are well intended. You deflect any comment about yourself and justify all your actions playing the victim role.

But I will make my comments/observations with the hope that you realize I am trying to help you:

 

WHY did you come to this site and post here? Was it to rant about your "witch" wife and get some people to cheer for you and validate your anger or was it to get some advice?

 

You are absolutely anonymous on this site; nobody knows what continent you live in. Yet, why is it that virtually everything you have written here are criticisms about your wife, and virtually not a single word is about your faults or areas that need improvements about yourself? You said she has been bad-mouthing you--about what? You have not given us any information about what exactly that she has been complaining about you so that we can perhaps get a fair picture of both of your behaviors.

 

You are so incredibly and carefully leaving out all details about yourself and only vilifying her.

When a marriage fails--both parties have some responsibilities. You seem to portray yourself as the absolute victim with nothing but sweet gentle nice guy qualities.

 

Spend a bit of time self reflecting on yourself.

 

It would be a far more productive and healthy thing for you to do to make the post about yourself and how you can improve yourself than just about bashing her had behaviors. It is YOU who needs to change.

 

A few of many things for you to think about:

• You leave her; find another place to live separately and consider filing but not discuss it with her. Yet, just a few months prior to this you spend 3K on Christmas gift for her. That is ridiculous behavior. You complain about her spending only $200 for you. I would say SHE is the sensible one. Why would you spend that much money for gifts especially when things are going downhill between you two?

You say she didn't include you in anything financially. That would make sense to me because you actually sound financially very irresponsible.

As if that is not horrific enough--months after you leave her and contemplate divorcing her--while calling her selfish, a witch, and and bashing her on this site, you go spend another 1K for gifts this Christmas? Why?

You are complaining about her spending $150. You left her. Why would she spend any money on you?

You say you kept on sending cookies and cards and sweet texts--seriously? After leaving her, those things carry virtually no meaning to a woman.

 

• More than anything else, WHY, why on earth did you marry her? Why did you stay married to her? Why did you continue on this long?

 

You seem to have an answer for everything "I love her". No, you don't.

 

No man who loves a woman would write "I am still married to this thing."

Grotesque. Simply grotesque a way to speak of anyone.

 

End the marriage.

Work on yourself.

See a counselor to figure out what is going on with YOU and why you choose such dysfunctional states for yourself.

Wow. You seem really angry, almost as if this was your situation and I just brought the nightmare back up. If so, apologies, and simultaneously: welcome to my world. You use a lot of bold lettering, and speak with a fairly angry tone. Not sure if that's your intention. I would politely ask for you to please ask more questions, instead of assuming.

 

Your comments about me are not even remotely close, yet I will better explain.

 

Criticisms: I welcome any criticism, constructive or not. The issue was she didn't talk with me. . .she only talked about our marriage to her family and friends. I tried until I was blue in the face, but it ended up with her yelling and screaming, and I can't communicate like that. That's anti-productive behavior. As well, I have been apologizing for the LAST 7 MONTHS, yet her first apology came last week, and I told her how proud I was of her for apologizing and admitting fault. She said that she'd apologized before, so I told her yes, but that was the first heartfelt apology and the first where she wasn't yelling it. She cried when she apologized for involving her family and subsequently banning me from her family's get-togethers. That still hurts like hell. My stepson won't talk to me because of her actions. That hurts unbelievably, considering how much I love him.

 

What I've done: trust me, I went to a lot of solo counseling, as well as a LOT of reflective time to realize my contributions to our demise. I left repeatedly (would go to stay at a hotel due to her yelling and screaming and not wanting our little boy to experience that, which he unfortunately did, far too often); I moved out without discussing it with her (we had not spoken in a week, and I was already so excluded from her life at that point); I used to pick at her about things (out of frustration because I only ever asked her to not do 4 things when we spoke (yell/scream, interrupt, roll her eyes, and walk away) and she did all 4 every single time; after a while of someone not caring how their actions hurt me, I start to fight back); I would cut off communications with her when she got too ugly with me; the first year of marriage I spent late nights in our home office working (yep, that one still hurts her, and I'm absolutely in the wrong for that one; was just working, NEVER doing anything inappropriate) - eventually her and my stepson casually mentioned it at dinner about how it stunk that I was always in there (family intervention, I guess!), and I was floored - stopped working late in the office that very night and didn't do it again unless it was absolutely necessary or unless we were fighting again; I was tough on her stepson (house rules, and he didn't like that because his dad became a Disneyland Dad with no rules); etc, etc. There were a LOT of things I did wrong. I made peace with that, told her how sorry I was MULTIPLE times after moving out, but she never said sorry, that she loved me, that she missed me. . .nothing. Our marriage counselor finally called her on that and right after told us that we're hopeless until my wife decides to do the 'homework' assignments and to contribute to fixing the marriage.

 

I've done a lot, but nothing even in the same universe as to the damage she inflicted. What should have stayed in our home and in our marriage went everywhere. Way too many cooks in the kitchen, and I don't think the damage can ever be undone.

 

Spend a bit of time reflecting on myself: lots of counseling, letters to her that I never sent her...wait, something big just happened. . .will post separately. . .

[CnfsdTXDad1]

So, I've been asked this a lot on here: why have you stayed? The answer: I know a few things about her. The main things: she needs me, loves me, and wants me. The woman I fell in love with was in there. I knew it.

 

And I think she's finally coming back out again. Church has taught me forgiveness, kindness (life has a way of souring us), and patience. I've instituted these throughout my life, with phenomenal results.

 

This week alone, she has: tried reintroducing my stepson to me through comments and a card and last night mentioned him seeing me; she brought the sister-in-law over to pick up Lucas last night (it's a positive step, even if the sister-in-law is very negative and a parasite!); she has invited me to stay for naps (weekends only; boy I miss naps!); she has made me multiple dishes and invited me over to eat; and just now (drumroll) she invited me to go with her and Lucas to see The Nutcracker. We decided against it because of his age and the duration, but that's a huge step forward.

 

She said something recently that really got to me: "I feel so lost, I feel so alone. . . .I'm starting to feel like I'm depressed". . .this was said while she was absolutely bawling. I told her how proud of her I was for finally opening up.

 

She's coming around. THIS is why I waited. I knew she was still in there. It's not gonna be easy, and there is no surefire guarantee that it'll work, but I promised to her and to God 'in sickness and in health', and our marriage got to be pretty sick.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

The thing is, look man, she has been having an affair for what a year that you know of???

Dang, forgot about that phone thing. That will need to get addressed, and pronto. Baby steps, and there is ZERO guarantee.

 

I got excited, but thanks for putting me back in check. I think she's realizing that she's probably going to lose me and is now trying. Great: now I'm lost again. That's not a bad thing. I needed someone to remind me of the damaging things.

[Downtown]

Church has taught me forgiveness, kindness (life has a way of souring us), and patience.

TexasDad, if your W exhibits most BPD symptoms at a strong and persistent level -- as you stated this past July -- you are married to a woman who likely has the emotional development of a four year old. You cannot change that with "forgiveness, kindness, and patience."

 

She's coming around. THIS is why I waited. I knew she was still in there.

If she is a BPDer, "coming around" is exactly what you should be seeing. Like the smokers who are always seen throwing away their "last pack" every two months, a BPDer typically will be seen making dramatic improvements every couple of months. That is the way emotionally unstable people behave. Remember, even a roller coaster will be seen making dramatic gains half the time.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

Lesson learned, and the final lesson: we went out as a family tonight, got back to my place, after a while I head into the bathroom, and as I round the corner returning to the family room, I see her on her phone and immediately put it away. Then she texts someone but turns so that I only see the back of the phone as she's texting. She then says 'Sorry, I missed a phone call from my mom.' Ummm....:laugh::laugh: Are you f***ing kidding me? Do you really think I'm that dumb?!?!

 

I can't keep hurting like this, and allowing her to hurt me. The woman I fell in love with is dead and gone inside. If she's with someone, I wish her well, and may God have mercy on his soul for what this woman is going to do to him. Looks like Black Widow has victim #3 in her sights.

 

I just went for a drive and got so mad at myself initially, but then realized very quickly that 'why should I be mad at myself?! Anger implies a change in behavior, and she's just continuing her narcissistic and BPD behavior. I have to change from showing emotions to becoming cold like her.'

 

Yep, I'm done. I'm going to limit interactions to minimal and only involving Lucas. No more hugging, etc. This whole thing is just so twisted, gross, and disgusting. I wanted to believe so badly, but. . .lol. . . .it's almost like some monster grew to 50 feet in front of me tonight and yelled 'THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUSE!!!' right in my face. :laugh:

 

I'm trying to crack jokes, but it's frightfully sad, really. Life must go on, and as several friends have told me: you need to try to leave with as much dignity and sanity as possible. I'm going to try to do that. Wish me luck. This will be the hardest week of my life, as I just failed at my biggest endeavor ever. . .

[CnfsdTXDad1]

TexasDad, if your W exhibits most BPD symptoms at a strong and persistent level -- as you stated this past July -- you are married to a woman who likely has the emotional development of a four year old. You cannot change that with "forgiveness, kindness, and patience."

 

If she is a BPDer, "coming around" is exactly what you should be seeing. Like the smokers who are always seen throwing away their "last pack" every two months, a BPDer typically will be seen making dramatic improvements every couple of months. That is the way emotionally unstable people behave. Remember, even a roller coaster will be seen making dramatic gains half the time.

Last time I don't listen to you and everyone else in my life. This is just like dealing with an addict: it never ends, it's full of lies, and there will only be heartbreak. Ever. I honestly can't believe how weak I've become. Unreal. I was NEVER like this before with relationships. But, then again: I was never married with a child before, so the entire dynamic changes.

[BluesPower]

Lesson learned, and the final lesson: we went out as a family tonight, got back to my place, after a while I head into the bathroom, and as I round the corner returning to the family room, I see her on her phone and immediately put it away. Then she texts someone but turns so that I only see the back of the phone as she's texting. She then says 'Sorry, I missed a phone call from my mom.' Ummm....:laugh::laugh: Are you f***ing kidding me? Do you really think I'm that dumb?!?!

 

I can't keep hurting like this, and allowing her to hurt me. The woman I fell in love with is dead and gone inside. If she's with someone, I wish her well, and may God have mercy on his soul for what this woman is going to do to him. Looks like Black Widow has victim #3 in her sights.

 

I just went for a drive and got so mad at myself initially, but then realized very quickly that 'why should I be mad at myself?! Anger implies a change in behavior, and she's just continuing her narcissistic and BPD behavior. I have to change from showing emotions to becoming cold like her.'

 

Yep, I'm done. I'm going to limit interactions to minimal and only involving Lucas. No more hugging, etc. This whole thing is just so twisted, gross, and disgusting. I wanted to believe so badly, but. . .lol. . . .it's almost like some monster grew to 50 feet in front of me tonight and yelled 'THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUSE!!!' right in my face. :laugh:

 

I'm trying to crack jokes, but it's frightfully sad, really. Life must go on, and as several friends have told me: you need to try to leave with as much dignity and sanity as possible. I'm going to try to do that. Wish me luck. This will be the hardest week of my life, as I just failed at my biggest endeavor ever. . .

 

Please listen CTD... everyone has to get to THIS point by themselves.

 

Everyone told you from the start, she is still having an affair, nothing that you do, have done, or will do will ever make any difference.

 

We told you that she is playing you because you are a good solid plan b guy in case her new lover dumps her.

 

Now after all of this time you are finally starting to understand, you may be a fool, you may have been weak, you in fact have actually done almost every thing wrong. But guess what, if you had done everything right, it still would have made no difference.

 

She is messed up. And really she always has been. You simply refused to see it.

 

Here is the good news. You have not failed, she has. She has failed you, she has failed her child and, although she does not realize it, she has failed herself.

 

Do you really think you are the only man or woman that loved someone that was a bad person, a toxic person. I will bet nearly everyone on LS has done that at one level or another.

 

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT NEVER WAS YOUR FAULT. It is 1000% her fault.

 

The only thing you have to do now is GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE as much as possible.

 

Please continue on the path that you are on and get a divorce ASAP.

 

Then you will not care who she is screwing at all. She will be out of your life for the most part and you can move on.

 

Stay strong...

[CnfsdTXDad1]

Please listen CTD... everyone has to get to THIS point by themselves.

 

Everyone told you from the start, she is still having an affair, nothing that you do, have done, or will do will ever make any difference.

 

We told you that she is playing you because you are a good solid plan b guy in case her new lover dumps her.

 

Now after all of this time you are finally starting to understand, you may be a fool, you may have been weak, you in fact have actually done almost every thing wrong. But guess what, if you had done everything right, it still would have made no difference.

 

She is messed up. And really she always has been. You simply refused to see it.

 

Here is the good news. You have not failed, she has. She has failed you, she has failed her child and, although she does not realize it, she has failed herself.

 

Do you really think you are the only man or woman that loved someone that was a bad person, a toxic person. I will bet nearly everyone on LS has done that at one level or another.

 

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT NEVER WAS YOUR FAULT. It is 1000% her fault.

 

The only thing you have to do now is GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE as much as possible.

 

Please continue on the path that you are on and get a divorce ASAP.

 

Then you will not care who she is screwing at all. She will be out of your life for the most part and you can move on.

 

Stay strong...

Thanks, brother. . .more than you know. I truly, truly appreciate the heartfelt reply and pick-me-up. It's been a tough night. When I saw her on the phone, I politely went and changed my son's diaper and then politely asked them to leave. She had to know why. If she doesn't, I honestly don't give a f***. Apologies for the foul language, but I'm at my bottom. Now I need to climb out of this hellhole to get back to sunshine.

 

Life should be fun, not a living hell. This is crazy that we allow ourselves to feel these things, and allow others to control us. The funny thing is that I was always in control of my life until her.

 

F*** it, I'm done. The next long while will be filled with emotions, but I have to get some direction in my life and look forward to meeting a woman who will give me back the same energy and love that I give them. She's calling right now, but I'm just going to speak to my baby boy. I'm starting to get sickened by her. I just took down all of her photos that were up at my place.

[Marc878]

I found out some things that I didn't want to know. My heart is absolutely broken. I know now that she is just a horribly cruel person. This month apart, I have been so incredibly sweet and kind, and I thought she was starting to come around and be nice, but she wasn't. She has been saying awful, awful things about me.

 

No good deed goes unpunished. You are getting walked on and your actions are just making it worse. You can't sto the Mr Nice Guy routine you'll just get more. When are you gonna wake up to reality?

 

The positive in all of this? My son. He only wants to be with me and doesn't want to stay over there. I don't blame him. He has a ton of fun and love with me and is surrounded by negativity over there.

 

I'm going to move forward and just focus on being the best Dad that I can be for my son, and to give myself time to heal my shattered heart.

 

Part of me wants to say 'I'm in disbelief', but the truth is that I'm not. She's been this way for a long time. I can't believe I stayed this long.

 

My heart aches for what this is going to do to my little boy. . .I feel so, so, so badly for what this is going to do to him.

 

Move on already

[Marc878]

To rehash this whole episode you're getting played and walked on regularly. Nothing dissuades you from coming back for more time and time again.

 

At this point you are your own worst enemy. You'll either wake up and quit just talking about it or you'll continue in this nightmare.

 

If your don was in this predicament what would you tell him?

 

Do you have any idea how painfull this is for your father, family and friends to witness your deplorable behavior in letting yourself take this crap over and over?

 

My god man!!!!

 

Wake up

[anika99]

So, I've been asked this a lot on here: why have you stayed? The answer: I know a few things about her. The main things: she needs me, loves me, and wants me. The woman I fell in love with was in there. I knew it.

 

And I think she's finally coming back out again. Church has taught me forgiveness, kindness (life has a way of souring us), and patience. I've instituted these throughout my life, with phenomenal results.

 

This week alone, she has: tried reintroducing my stepson to me through comments and a card and last night mentioned him seeing me; she brought the sister-in-law over to pick up Lucas last night (it's a positive step, even if the sister-in-law is very negative and a parasite!); she has invited me to stay for naps (weekends only; boy I miss naps!); she has made me multiple dishes and invited me over to eat; and just now (drumroll) she invited me to go with her and Lucas to see The Nutcracker. We decided against it because of his age and the duration, but that's a huge step forward.

 

She said something recently that really got to me: "I feel so lost, I feel so alone. . . .I'm starting to feel like I'm depressed". . .this was said while she was absolutely bawling. I told her how proud of her I was for finally opening up.

 

She's coming around. THIS is why I waited. I knew she was still in there. It's not gonna be easy, and there is no surefire guarantee that it'll work, but I promised to her and to God 'in sickness and in health', and our marriage got to be pretty sick.

 

Oh good Lord. You are so weak and easily manipulated. Yes I know that you have since posted that you are once again done with her but that's nothing new either. This thread has been going on for months.

 

You need to start owning your half of this sick relationship. There is something very weird about your behavior. You come here and describe your wife as an absolutel beast and I believe you but then you post about how you spent thousands of dollars on her, how you bend over backwards to meet her needs and desires while she treats you like a total worthless doormat not worthy of even one crumb respect. Why are you still bowing to her when she treats you no better that some dirty gum stuck on her shoe. Don't tell me it's because you're a hopeless romantic or because you believe in love cause that's not it. There is nothing romantic or loving about having no self respect.

 

Your wife is obviously disordered in some way but it still takes two to tango. She's dysfunctional but so are you. You're both getting something out of this dance. Perhaps you are like my mom. She used to be treated pretty bad by my stepfather. When I was younger I hated him and couldn't understand why on earth she put up with it. When I grew up I saw why. Everytime my stepfather would behave in some outrageous way or treat her in some horrible way she would call me and tell me all about it. I would sympathize and tell her how good she was and how she deserved better. Then she would call her sister and tell her all about it and her sister would say the same encouraging validating things I would and then she would call a couple of her friends and tell them and they would also sympathize and tell her what a saint she was for putting up with it. Then one day it hit me. She was basking in her victim hood. She was getting her validation through the attention and ego strokes she got from everyone telling her how awful he was and how she was too good for him. Now I don't know if it's the same for you but I do know that you have gone out of your way to martyr yourself and that you have spent a lot of time here bemoaning your horrible wife while choosing to continue to reward her bad behavior with expensive gifts and positive attention. I know that a dysfunctional dance requires two dysfunctional dancers and that you wouldn't keep dancing if you weren't getting something out of it. Be that attention and pity from others or some need to be a cuckholded man or something else, I don't know but it sure as heck isn't because of love or because your a romantic because there is nothing romantic about your marriage.

 

I hope you really do leave your wife but I think you need to dig a lot deeper into what makes you tick and why you have chosen to dance with your wife for so long. You deserve to be happy just like everyone but until you realize that you have been half the problem the entire time, you run the risk of just getting into another twisted relationship.

[bluecastle]

I agree with @anika99 100%.

 

As mentioned, I just got out of a mini-version of this. I know how hard it is. You do love her, and, aside from love, you've invested a lot of time in this and remain eager to get a return on that investment.

 

But that's not how relationships work. Hell, that's not how any investments work; sometimes they just don't pan out. Like a bad businesses investment, sometimes the only move is to move on, and you've known in your core for months that that time has come for you.

 

Right now you have to own that you are partly addicted to this game. It has become, in a sense, your identity: were it to all stop, you'd have to find a new purpose, a new identity, and as spiritually exhausting as your situation is the thought of the unknown, consciously or otherwise, is even more frightening. Staying tethered to the drama is in ways easier than having to ask yourself WHY you're staying tethered to it: what is it that continues to draw you into the fire? That's a hard question to face, because the answer will hurt, but you need to start asking it.

 

I don't say this from any kind of mountaintop, but from a deep trench. I too love someone who treated me this way, and I too reinforced her behavior and had to own that, in doing so, I was an equal partner in the dysfunction. For some reason, I was seeking it too.

 

What's that reason? Ego, mainly. I wanted to be right. I wanted to be good. I wanted to win. Just writing that down is hard, because I know how silly it is, yet at the same time it is humbling and enlightening.

 

I'm not religious, but, like you, I have a large capacity for forgiveness, and that's a beautiful thing. I have no regrets about being walked on and manipulated for a few months, because it taught me that I'm more capable of loving selflessly than I knew and more capable of engaging in conflict than I knew. Great lessons there, even if they were learned in a nuclear zone. In my case, as in yours, the thing is that I need a partner who shares this outlook; otherwise the energy amounts to exhaust fumes, and will continue to gut you.

 

So savor those lessons, and think of them as an extension of your love for your wife, the lesson that love taught you. But don't mistake that for a reason to stay. She is loving you right now the best way she knows how, the only way she can, and you know what? It is far, far, FAR from enough—hence you feel like a shell of yourself.

 

You'll continue to feel that way as you divorce. You'll feel empty and purposeless. You'll have no more vessel for the energy you're expending, and that will be disorienting. But you know what? Being emptied and gutted is ultimately a wonderful place to be. It means you can refill, and be more intentional in what you seek to fill you up.

 

Embrace it, man. You're capable.

[Been]

Been there man and it sucks. I know you love her but at some point your going to have to accept she isn't who you thought she is. And its a horrible feeling.

What you have to do is realize everything she ever told you is suspect.

And that's painful to do because you want to believe that SOMETHING she told you had some truth to it. But it didn't. And the sooner you realize that the better off you'll be.

You have a child with her so your going to have to interact with her but LIMIT it. Your conversations should be about the child and only the child.

Don't care how she's doing or what she is up to unless it involves your child.

Think how many chances you gave her and what did you get from it? NOTHING.