Dumper acting weird?

[eXistential]

Hello everyone,

 

My girl broke up with me nearly six months ago... I seriously thought I was going to marry that girl, and I actually was prepairing to propose to her just weeks before she broke up with me.

 

I didn't took the breakup well but I didn't beg or plead.. I was SERIOUSLY devastated for months though, suffering by myself. I was feeling better and better during the last months but recently, I have a serious relapse. I miss her like crazy... but nevermind I posted another thread for anyone that wants to have a look.

 

Anyways, I didn't reach out to her for months following the breakup. She contacted me for business stuff, she was cooooooold, cold, cold, cold ice cold!

 

Then one day after 4-5 months she told me to meet up for a coffee and bring some of her stuff back, I agreed, it was friendly but she was hesitant to bring up the breakup. Did I mention that she never gave me a reason?

 

Then another month passes by (today), I am once again devastated and she calls me to tell me that someone was looking for me and "that's all"... She didn't sound "robotically" cold as before, she sounded as if she is "shy" (smiley and anxious) or something... but she was just to the point! I asked her how's going, and she was eager to hang up: "How are you doing?, I am fine, hehe..." and then remind me again of the reason she called me "X was looking for you, you should call him..." and hang up.. wtf?!

 

I would understand if she didn't want to be with me, but is it so hard to ask me "how am I doing?".... And it's not that question per se, but I think it is humane to have at least a little, tiny, small, bit of interest about someone you have know for 10 YEARS!

 

 

How do you explain this behavior?

[mike.c]

It's probably a mix of emotions together with guilt and not knowing how to talk to you after all that. Don't read into it too much, bottom line is if she didn't say anything more, she didn't really mean anything more. That's how I would be looking at it. Although I know the feeling of grasping for anything that would give me hope again.

[eXistential]

It's probably a mix of emotions together with guilt and not knowing how to talk to you after all that. Don't read into it too much, bottom line is if she didn't say anything more, she didn't really mean anything more. That's how I would be looking at it. Although I know the feeling of grasping for anything that would give me hope again.

 

 

But it has been 6 months. We have met together, we have talked already. Why is it so hard for her to act like a human? Each time she reaches out and talks to me like that I feel as if I am a sexual offender or something... lol. I certainly cling onto any hope, and I want to reach out to her and start over somehow, but each time I realize that this cannot happen, because of that wall she has around her. And to prevent any comments, no I didn't pressured her, not smothered her, I barely reached out in the first few weeks and then I became silent.

 

The point is that she broke up with me so suddenly, out of nowhere (she became from being clingy to acting as if I don't exist or never existed - she almost ghosted me), that I am still in denial somehow i cannot believe that she turned off so drastically and so abruptly...

[Sweetfish]

Hello everyone,

 

My girl broke up with me nearly six months ago... I seriously thought I was going to marry that girl, and I actually was prepairing to propose to her just weeks before she broke up with me.

 

I didn't took the breakup well but I didn't beg or plead.. I was SERIOUSLY devastated for months though, suffering by myself. I was feeling better and better during the last months but recently, I have a serious relapse. I miss her like crazy... but nevermind I posted another thread for anyone that wants to have a look.

 

Anyways, I didn't reach out to her for months following the breakup. She contacted me for business stuff, she was cooooooold, cold, cold, cold ice cold!

 

Then one day after 4-5 months she told me to meet up for a coffee and bring some of her stuff back, I agreed, it was friendly but she was hesitant to bring up the breakup. Did I mention that she never gave me a reason?

 

Then another month passes by (today), I am once again devastated and she calls me to tell me that someone was looking for me and "that's all"... She didn't sound "robotically" cold as before, she sounded as if she is "shy" (smiley and anxious) or something... but she was just to the point! I asked her how's going, and she was eager to hang up: "How are you doing?, I am fine, hehe..." and then remind me again of the reason she called me "X was looking for you, you should call him..." and hang up.. wtf?!

 

I would understand if she didn't want to be with me, but is it so hard to ask me "how am I doing?".... And it's not that question per se, but I think it is humane to have at least a little, tiny, small, bit of interest about someone you have know for 10 YEARS!

 

 

How do you explain this behavior?

 

 

This is very common scenario and nothing new and mostly unique to women. After a break up, people sometimes cannot fully justify a breakup so there are safety nets they build to avoid pain and reality and they file the relationship deep within. This is where the cold behavior kicks and they take on a new partner or new life. Eventually, the old relationship will surface in the future and they will have to confront the breakup or they will actually begin processing the breakup similar to how you processed the breakup. Is the grass greener, where you a great boyfriend, and can she confront her mistakes in the relationship.

 

At this point you need to stay NC because if she wanted to be with you.. it will be clear as day and its not. You may get bread crumbs and when you take those bread crumbs they will push you back in healing because a bread crumb means your not getting the whole loaf. You will be a bridge for attention until a new relationship manifest for her which is new to her. A reconcile can happen but it depends how good the relationship was and how long was it.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Sweetfish

[eXistential]

This is very common scenario and nothing new and mostly unique to women. After a break up, people sometimes cannot fully justify a breakup so there are safety nets they build to avoid pain and reality and they file the relationship deep within. This is where the cold behavior kicks and they take on a new partner or new life. Eventually, the old relationship will surface in the future and they will have to confront the breakup or they will actually begin processing the breakup similar to how you processed the breakup. Is the grass greener, where you a great boyfriend, and can she confront her mistakes in the relationship.

 

At this point you need to stay NC because if she wanted to be with you.. it will be clear as day and its not. You may get bread crumbs and when you take those bread crumbs they will push you back in healing because a bread crumb means your not getting the whole loaf. You will be a bridge for attention until a new relationship manifest for her which is new to her. A reconcile can happen but it depends how good the relationship was and how long was it.

 

Thanks for sharing your ideas Sweetfish!

 

It makes sense, because otherwise she doesn't have to be so distant. I wasn't clingy or anything post-breakup to justify that behavior.. Also she acts as if the breakup never happened, as if the relationship never existed, and the one time I tried to bring it up she dismissed it totally.

 

It is as if she doesn't want to deal with it and at the same time she pressumes (or want to assume) that I want to reconcile (I never said that to her, nor I have shown her such behavior that would justify her thinking that I still want to reconcile. It is as if she takes it for granted that I will be forever there...).

 

But what doesn't makes sense is that there has been SIX months already.

 

Shouldn't she face that feelings already.. Obviously for the past 6 months I am getting depressed, getting angry, sometimes relieved then relapse to depression and anger and so on, how could she be so NUMB?!

[LivingWaterPlease]

There's no way to know what she's thinking or feeling, really. But, just want to compliment you on how cooly you're handling things.

 

She may be attempting to be "just friends." She may be wondering if she made a mistake. She may be hoping (even subconsciously) you'll ask her back to get her ego stroked, missing the attention you gave her. No telling.

 

But, you have handled this like a champ with her. All those depressed/angry feelings are natural and will go away at some point.

 

To me, the classiest way she could have handled post break up is to step back out of your life totally until life brings you together in some way, if it does. Or if she were to decide she wants to resume the R then reach out to you.

 

She sounds a little immature. How old is she?

[preraph]

to me she sounds bored. You should start being too busy for these little jackups.

[Sweetfish]

Thanks for sharing your ideas Sweetfish!

 

It makes sense, because otherwise she doesn't have to be so distant. I wasn't clingy or anything post-breakup to justify that behavior.. Also she acts as if the breakup never happened, as if the relationship never existed, and the one time I tried to bring it up she dismissed it totally.

 

It is as if she doesn't want to deal with it and at the same time she pressumes (or want to assume) that I want to reconcile (I never said that to her, nor I have shown her such behavior that would justify her thinking that I still want to reconcile. It is as if she takes it for granted that I will be forever there...).

 

But what doesn't makes sense is that there has been SIX months already.

 

Shouldn't she face that feelings already.. Obviously for the past 6 months I am getting depressed, getting angry, sometimes relieved then relapse to depression and anger and so on, how could she be so NUMB?!

 

 

The cycle of healing is not linear. One minute you will be angry, sad, and another feeling like your moving on. Taking these breadcrumb will set you back and you will have to start the process all over again. Like a recovering alcoholic you will think you've learned your lesson and grown. You will think "I can drink responsibly", but yet the reality is you will be going back to square one.

 

It may takemonths or years for particularly "females" to reconcile and that is if they cannot find better. Men its usually within a year and for both genders its when the rebound fails. In both situations its either too early or too late. The pain is too great and facing the mirror is too much and so many times reconciles do not transpire. The coldness and numbness is the protective barrier to protect her self and often they do not even realize it and will even blame you for the break-up. You will be treated worse than a stranger.. do not focus on this and do not take it to heart... these are just subtle clues that a long term relationship would have failed in the future anyway (maybe with kids, maybe married or who knows when.)

 

Making your self twice the man (or women) in 1-3 years time will not only help you mentally, physically, and spiritually. You will place the efforts you've put into pleasing someone else into you exclusively. If they do come crawling back, you will be twice as better from before and they will have fallen back. Unfortunately many times being with another person pulls you back or puts you on a plateau. Quote Bromeo: pain is the best teacher and when you are in love there is no pain and no pain no gain.

 

On rare occurrences two people grow together truly and these are the relationships that do not fail.

[angel.eyes]

You're handling the breakup superbly.

 

That being said, she's dismissive because she doesn't want to give you straws that you can hang on to or risk doing something that you might take as a sign of hope that you might get back together. No dumpee is ever happy with the breakup. They always criticize the way the breakup went down and/or the way they are treated by their dumper following the breakup. If she were nice, you would criticize her for trying to string you along and giving you bread crumbs.

 

The breakup seems abrupt to you. But remember, most women when they initiate a breakup, have been thinking about it for quite a long time. They've weighed and analyzed the decision repeatedly already. So while it seems sudden and out of the blue for you, she had come to terms with the breakup long before it actually happened. That's why dumpers seem to have an easier time moving forward, while dumpees struggle. They had a long head start in the process.

 

I know it's hard not to ask why or analyze every detail of your ex' behavior, but avoid that if you can. It serves no purpose. Stay busy. Hang out with your friends. Take up new hobbies. Be kind to yourself.

 

Recovery is usually a long process with many setbacks.

 

Best of luck!

[eXistential]

She sounds a little immature. How old is she?

 

She is old enough (28) to expect her to act more mature than that. She is the kind of person that justifies her way of explaining things as the only "natural" without any questioning at all... and without even realizing she is doing it...: "It's not that I rejected you, it's that I don't want you in my life anymore, AT ALL!" , "it's not that I have made any mistakes in the relationship, it's that we don't fit together..". "It's not that I am indifferent towards you, it's that I don't care if you are alive or dead anymore..."

 

It is imposible for her to see through the perspective of the other person and challenge even a little bit her views and beliefs about herself. She in a "de facto" way assumes that the only natural explanation of things is her views and then she justifies these views..

 

It's called "egocentrism" for those interested in psychology. A childish, immature behavior.

 

I am working in a psychology field (not a therapist though) so I know what to look for (signs etc), but this woman is beyond any explanation

 

And you might ask, why do I want a person like this back in my life?.. Well the logical part of me, doesn't... But it is that attached to her, part of me that cannot comprehent how this person can weeks before talk about marriage and stuff, even be clingy to the point of smothering, and then suddenly break up and disappear as if I never existed...

 

Anyway.. I am open to more ideas and experiences from you (in general)!

[rushed]

My ex and I broke up over a year ago. We loved each other fiercely, but boy was that a volatile relationship. We were together for about three years and went through a lot together. We argued a lot, and I knew I was done with the last argument. He wanted to stay friends, but I told him that wasn't a good idea as I needed to get over him and staying in contact with him would just impede that.

 

He still gets some mail at my place, most recently a couple of paychecks (he works at different locations so it's understandable that he might not have changed his address at every single one). When I texted him that he had some checks at my place, I made sure to make the text pretty impersonal - "Hey, I think you got a paycheck here." I did not want to give him any ideas that I was interested in becoming friends. Nor did I ask him how he was doing in the text because frankly I didn't care. I don't wish ill on the guy, but he's no longer my concern.

[eXistential]

Nor did I ask him how he was doing in the text because frankly I didn't care. I don't wish ill on the guy, but he's no longer my concern.

 

Oh, man... women are BRUTAL! How can you not care? how that's possible?! It seems that I care and miss more the garbage that I dump, than you girls miss a human being that was in your life for so long..

 

 

I am guessing that this stems from the fact that you want to feel powerful.

 

You want to be able to say "I don't care about you" therefore "I am better than you" therefore "I am powerful", "therefore I make the decision".

 

So if we (the dumpees) feed that need to feel powerful by begging and pleading and showing interest we do nothing but confirm that..

 

On the other hand if we remove the attention, you unavoidably lose that power: "I don't care about you" "reply": "who are you?",

 

then all the "I don't care about you" attitude loses its meaning and that's when you start feeling like losing control. I was there, I "didn't care" about an ex, and when she "didn't care" that "I didn't care", I "cared", does that makes sense?

 

 

It's what Sweetfish said above.. The dumpers justify their decision by usually constructing a meaning of "power". When you remove attention, that "power" loses its meaning and it's then when all these emotions resurface the consciousness of the dumper.. That would explain my ex'es need to affirm that "I want recon", without even hinting something like that to her, and also her way of being indifferent to the point of rudeness.

 

This is very common scenario and nothing new and mostly unique to women. After a break up, people sometimes cannot fully justify a breakup so there are safety nets they build to avoid pain and reality and they file the relationship deep within

 

Real indifference is when someone reaches a point where he treats you like anybody else. And most commonly, when someone (random) asks me "how are you", I reply: "fine, AND YOU?" (it's almost like a reflex) . But to consciously or unconsciously censor any interest is not indifference, it is defense.

 

So I don't believe the "frankly I didn't care" attitute, because you have to be a psychopath (which I am guessing you are not ). You subconsciously tried to convince yourself you didn't care, and probably that other guy feeded somehow that need.

Edited July 5, 2017 by eXistential

[eXistential]

Damn Time Difference!

 

Are you awake yet? Lol

 

Any ideas, experiences?

[rushed]

Oh, man... women are BRUTAL! How can you not care? how that's possible?! It seems that I care and miss more the garbage that I dump, than you girls miss a human being that was in your life for so long..

 

 

I am guessing that this stems from the fact that you want to feel powerful.

 

You want to be able to say "I don't care about you" therefore "I am better than you" therefore "I am powerful", "therefore I make the decision".

 

So if we (the dumpees) feed that need to feel powerful by begging and pleading and showing interest we do nothing but confirm that..

 

On the other hand if we remove the attention, you unavoidably lose that power: "I don't care about you" "reply": "who are you?",

 

then all the "I don't care about you" attitude loses its meaning and that's when you start feeling like losing control. I was there, I "didn't care" about an ex, and when she "didn't care" that "I didn't care", I "cared", does that makes sense?

 

Interesting theory, but not true, at least in my case. Me no longer caring means precisely that - I no longer care. I get no joy or sense of power over "yielding this indifference over him." I just don't care. My ex doesn't cross my mind most days and I have never thought, "Man, this feels good to have this over him." They say the opposite of love isn't hate, but apathy. My ex doesn't take up any of my head space - good or bad. He's just pretty much absent from my thoughts.

 

It's what Sweetfish said above.. The dumpers justify their decision by usually constructing a meaning of "power". When you remove attention, that "power" loses its meaning and it's then when all these emotions resurface the consciousness of the dumper.. That would explain my ex'es need to affirm that "I want recon", without even hinting something like that to her, and also her way of being indifferent to the point of rudeness.

 

If this were true in my scenario then my emotions should have resurfaced, as my ex hadn't shown me any attention either. I would have felt that loss of power. But since that sense of power never existed to begin with, I felt no gain or loss. I kept my texts with him very direct so there would be question that I was not interested in anything other than notifying him about his checks. I did not want to leave any breadcrumbs.

 

Real indifference is when someone reaches a point where he treats you like anybody else. And most commonly, when someone (random) asks me "how are you", I reply: "fine, AND YOU?" (it's almost like a reflex) . But to consciously or unconsciously censor any interest is not indifference, it is defense.

 

So I don't believe the "frankly I didn't care" attitute, because you have to be a psychopath (which I am guessing you are not ). You subconsciously tried to convince yourself you didn't care, and probably that other guy feeded somehow that need.

 

Lol thank you for guessing I'm not a psychopath. But I really don't care about my ex. I mean one can argue that because I did put some thought into my text that I do care about it to some extent. However, that extent is the fact that I want things to stay how they are between us, which is pretty much no relationship at all.

 

Now, all that being said, let me just reiterate that this is just in my case. I can only tell you my thoughts in my experience. I cannot speak for your ex. I don't know her motives, or lack there of. But as others have already told you, you are doing awesome with how you're handling everything. Keep it up and you will get to that place of apathy about your ex.

[Sweetfish]

If this were true in my scenario then my emotions should have resurfaced, as my ex hadn't shown me any attention either. I would have felt that loss of power. But since that sense of power never existed to begin with, I felt no gain or loss. I kept my texts with him very direct so there would be question that I was not interested in anything other than notifying him about his checks. I did not want to leave any breadcrumbs.

 

Leaving a perfectly good relationship and a relationship that was hacked away over time is two different scenarios. If you gave your ex ample time and tried to work with him and he did not work with you and did not compromise the relationship is dead. If a person simply walked away for another relationship or idea (thinking the grass is greener) is when suppressing your feeling comes to play and this is usually with women who have low self esteem.. eventually they will seek something new and shiny because they can not be happy within.. (you know the girl/guy that has to always be with someone: low self-esteem)

 

The only possible way you can walk away from a person that has done absolutely nothing wrong to you and garnish up no feelings towards the person is one that fits a cluster B or C type personality. Sociopath fits into cluster C. People hear the word sociopath and automatically think Hollywood. Its just another term for anti social personality and like Narcissist you may never know you are dating one.

[eXistential]

Leaving a perfectly good relationship and a relationship that was hacked away over time is two different scenarios. If you gave your ex ample time and tried to work with him and he did not work with you and did not compromise the relationship is dead. If a person simply walked away for another relationship or idea (thinking the grass is greener) is when suppressing your feeling comes to play and this is usually with women who have low self esteem.. eventually they will seek something new and shiny because they can not be happy within.. (you know the girl/guy that has to always be with someone: low self-esteem)

 

I think in my case is somewhere in the middle. There were issues in the relationship, but she would always be the most loving person. I mean I can have no doubt that she loved me more than I did at some point in the relationship.

 

Then suddenly (maybe a month before the breakup) her behavior slowly began to shift. It was as if she was bored. It gave me the impression that she has lost the romantic feelings or something.. She also met new people, new interests etc (it is where the GIGS part comes into my story I guess), and many of the problems existing in the RS (many of them was not our fault), remained (it is where the relationship dying part comes into my story).

 

What gives me hope, is that I have known her for a decade. We were best friends prior to the relationship, and nothing major on my part occured (cheating, violence etc). I had made mistakes that would turn her off or impact the relationship negatively, but not to the point of justifying that total reversal of emotions in a serious relationship like that.

So I guess, and I hope, although I am beyond that phase where I was dependant on hope to function, that some feelings will some day resurface and have second thoughts... when? I don't know, 7 months, 10 months, 10 years... I can't really know..

[eXistential]

Anyone that as a Dumper after a Long Term Relationship (3+ years) had their feelings revived and thought about reconciling? what were you thinking, how long did it take, and what how was the dumpee acting?

 

In a lot of cases I have read that the Dumper might begin missing the Dumpee later on (after months) after a honeymoon period that the Dumper is happy with his new found freedom and the potentiality that this freedom brings.

 

In a sense I have also as a Dumpee gone through that. During the 4-5 months I was happy, excited I felt free to do things that I couldn't do while in a relationship, and suddenly one day it all came back full throttle. The residual feelings that were dormant under that impression of freedom during these months, resurfaced and I miss her as hell..

 

I am wondering if this is what Dumpers are experiencing (I have read about it in many blogs, and forums like this one) and how ofter they experience this.

Edited July 6, 2017 by eXistential

[Pumpingiron34]

na dude you can kiss her goodbye, mine did very similar **** after 5 years and i still have trouble with coping with the idea of how she just cut me out and acted like we never had anything a year later. Its just crazy bitches man, she'll end up dating some one new soon too, just like mine and than you'll see how cold she can truly be. Just seen mine at the bar the other night, doesn't even look me in the face as if im an insect to her or something fkin crazy world.

[eXistential]

na dude you can kiss her goodbye, mine did very similar **** after 5 years and i still have trouble with coping with the idea of how she just cut me out and acted like we never had anything a year later. Its just crazy bitches man, she'll end up dating some one new soon too, just like mine and than you'll see how cold she can truly be. Just seen mine at the bar the other night, doesn't even look me in the face as if im an insect to her or something fkin crazy world.

 

how did you handled the breakup? and the reason for the breakup?

 

How can they be so cold? Six months later and I cannot comprehend the fact that how that person turned into a completely different person over night, literally. I don't mean to sound sexist, but is it a woman thing? from what I hear it is more common for women to act like that.