Need to solve 3 major issues!

[AlwaysWantingYou48]

I could have elaborated more on my issues, but will start off briefly & will gradually see how it evolves from here on. Here goes:

 

CURRENT RELATIONSHIP

Have been married for more than 3 years now. I feel I should split as there has been no progress for last 2 years; why I feel this way is that I am not very physically attracted to her & in fact our marriage has not been consummated in spite of both of us having a high sex drive + I cannot ‘work’ with her as a husband would want to work with his wife to carry out duties within a relationship + she has various physical/mental ailments that were not properly discussed before marriage. In hindsight we got married too early (we knew each other for a few months that's all). It was an arranged marriage.

I have discussed this with W over the last 2 months, she has slowly started to understand this however she kinda oscillates between separating & being in an open relationship (i.e. where both of us stay together but fulfill our sexual needs with other people).

 

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES

I had never been in any relationship before my marriage, and am still technically a virgin in my early 30’s. There are various reasons as to why it did not happen with me, such as me being not social, having trust issues, fearful of being rejected/cheated/possibility of STDs, etc.

 

PROBLEMS I NEED TO SOLVE

1. Separation with my W in the most amicable way possible; I do trust & respect her and her family and would want to remain great friends.

2. Finding a long-term life partner

3. Fulfilling sexual needs

 

So can the good folks here tell me on the best way to go about solving these 3 issues. Will elaborate more on my situation as the thread evolves. Thx!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Focus on problem #1 at this time. It will most likely take some time and effort. Don't even think about problems #2 & 3 until after you're divorced.

[road]

Yes open marriage is the way to go. She gets to bring home

STD's to you. Then her OM knock her up a few times and

even if you divorce her the courts will make you pay child support.

 

Or

 

Divorce her for this marriage will never be the marriage you want.

 

Which way do you want?

 

I would pick divorce.

[AlwaysWantingYou48]

@LivingWaterPlease, @road - thank you for your responses!

 

I guess one PoV of looking at this is that since the separation/divorce will take time, it kinda makes sense to look for that someone other sooner rather than later. That way, once we finally separate, both of us might already be in a relationship so we won't feel empty or lonely. In fact we kinda discussed that we would help each other find someone!

 

The open marriage thing was actually her suggestion. She will find it harder to leave me, as this separation has been initiated by me. But things are moving in the right direction; I have to give it time - I understand that.

 

@road: Option #1 is interesting - I didn't think of that. Then it does seem like Option #2 is the right move.

 

@LivingWaterPlease: I forgot to mention that my bro's getting married in 6 month's time, and the family will be kinda involved with that. So the separation/divorce talk can only be between us till then I suppose, the families would come into it only after that. Also, at least I can do some kind of preparation for solving problems #2 & #3. I have registered on OLD sites, Tinder & casual sex sites as well to solve these issues. So I presume you are saying I should keep these things on hold until the divorce is done & dusted?

[reboot]

Is there some reason you HAVE to be in another relationship that quickly? Seriously, take some time and find the right one this time.

[d0nnivain]

Let me get this straight. You are in a culture that believes in arranged marriage. You have been married for 3 years but haven't lost your virginity or consummated your marriage but you think an open marriage is the solution?

 

 

I can't believe that a culture which embraces arranged marriage would allow an open marriage.

 

 

Just make love with your wife already. The chemicals & hormones which are released in your brains during the sex act will fix most of what is wrong with your relationship.

 

 

Set the stage: candles, soft music, quiet, clean space. Talk & touch each other, non sexually for a while. Lie down. Start to remove clothes. Keep caressing each other. Have plenty of lube on hand. Go slow. Take your time.

 

 

Once you get past this hurdle, things will be better.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Alwayswantingyou48, you need to finish one relationship before beginning another. That way you can give your full attention to the relationship at hand, doing both the right way. Especially then you'll be able to treat the new relationship with the respect it deserves.

 

Divorce can be difficult at times and would put a strain on a new relationship. Plus, it's only fair to both you and your wife to respect the marriage you now have without bringing someone new into the picture before your marriage is dissolved.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why an arranged married the first time, but presumably it's not what you're going for if you divorce?

[AlwaysWantingYou48]

reboot, d0nnivain, LivingWaterPlease, CautiouslyOptimistic: thanks again!

 

@ d0nnivain:

- Oh we have tried those things many times! I just don't feel attracted towards her at a high level (she finds me very attractive however).

- Even though I don't have a lot of practical experience, I do theoretically know a lot having read & watched a lot of stuff on sex (not just porn!).

- I am kinda turned off by her having hygiene issues, lack of knowledge & physical limitations.

- But the worst thing of all is that in spite of me pointing out these issues, and helping her to find solutions to them a number of times, there hasn't been much attempts from her side to improve....or maybe she just isn't capable of progressing/learning (mind you I don't want to entirely blame her as the poor thing does have a mental issue as well). So that's a much bigger problem when the person is probably unwilling as well as incapable of progressing in all aspects of their life.

 

@ LivingWaterPlease: Yes of course...even thought the both of us might be willing to look elsewhere, and let's say we do both find partners, would they be comfortable with us being married? What about their own issues? I know it could get more complex like that. I still wonder though what sort of reaction I would get, if I state that I am married & in an open relationship...although d0nnivain might have a point here.

 

@ CautiouslyOptimistic:

- Well as you know this arranged marriage thing is initiated by the parents...not that there's anything wrong with that...I mean you are getting introduced to dates so that's good right?

- Looking back, I wanted to focus more on my career and wasn't ready for relationships. The only mistake or problem what happened was that when we met, we became friends quite quickly due to common beliefs or values, and when parents noticed this they kinda said 'Well then hurry up and wrap it up then!' so that they could spend tons of money to please society that they're doing great! So they got what they wanted. This is what I have a problem with: it's clearly wrong, and I didn't realise it back then.

- We should have taken more time to know each other, and should have stayed together to get a complete picture of each other....this would have been the right approach, even though it might create a few more difficulties in the kind of society we are in.

- So to answer your question, it's not that it's wrong, just have to find more avenues to meet people (via family, via friends, via colleagues, being social, OLD etc.) to increase chances of success. Though now parents might get a little angry due to the money they spent, and now having to explain to people on us splitting, so they won't want to be involved in it again perhaps. But then I don't care really...I'll find other ways.

[BaileyB]

I guess one PoV of looking at this is that since the separation/divorce will take time, it kinda makes sense to look for that someone other sooner rather than later. That way, once we finally separate, both of us might already be in a relationship so we won't feel empty or lonely.

 

With all due respect, that's not how it works...

[d0nnivain]

 

@ d0nnivain:

- Oh we have tried those things many times! I just don't feel attracted towards her at a high level (she finds me very attractive however).

- Even though I don't have a lot of practical experience, I do theoretically know a lot having read & watched a lot of stuff on sex (not just porn!).

- I am kinda turned off by her having hygiene issues, lack of knowledge & physical limitations.

- But the worst thing of all is that in spite of me pointing out these issues, and helping her to find solutions to them a number of times, there hasn't been much attempts from her side to improve....or maybe she just isn't capable of progressing/learning (mind you I don't want to entirely blame her as the poor thing does have a mental issue as well). So that's a much bigger problem when the person is probably unwilling as well as incapable of progressing in all aspects of their life.

 

 

In arranged marriages I never thought attraction or lust was high on the list of what was supposed to be important but I'm going on antidotal stereotypes here, not practical knowledge

 

 

I can understand not being happy if there are hygiene issues but consider bathing together. That can be highly erotic & it will solve your problem

[AlwaysWantingYou48]

BaileyB, d0nnivain - thanks again!

 

@ BaileyB: I do understand that the new people in the relationship may not accept that we are married if we do it this way, but perhaps you can elaborate a bit more to shed light on why this isn't a good idea? I haven't completely ruled it out yet...maybe it might work according to the situation?

 

@ d0nnivain:

- Yes people do look at attraction in arranged marriages. Again this is a spectrum thing maybe...highly conservative people may not and those more liberal might. In my case I was definitely evaluating attraction levels, but I also have to look at the bigger picture and see other qualities as well. I mean you're not going to get a perfect person, so you'll have to compromise somewhere.

- When we met, though I wouldn't say she was physically attractive I never thought that she was downright ugly either, and I liked that she had a high sex drive and was willing to talk/experiment openly on sex. I did think she needed to work on a few things, but I had no idea she was incapable of progressing or improving to the extent that I now know of.

- Have tried the bathing idea too many times!

[MJJean]

In all of your reading about sex did you read anything about the hormones released during and immediately after sex? Sex bonds partners. In fact, one of the binding hormones released is the same one we release to bond with our infant children. Sex is powerful. Sex is how we differentiate between friendship and romantic relationships. It is an integral part of marriage. Sexual attraction is important. Mutual attraction and sexual compatibility can make or break a marriage.

 

It's definitely a bad idea to date while still married. First, you and your wife won't properly detach and move on from this experience while still living together. Second, most decent women wouldn't date a married man. Third, if you are religious, there are spiritual consequences to adultery. There may also be social and professional consequences if you are in a conservative society.

 

Divorce first, then date.

[BaileyB]

@ BaileyB: I do understand that the new people in the relationship may not accept that we are married if we do it this way, but perhaps you can elaborate a bit more to shed light on why this isn't a good idea? I haven't completely ruled it out yet...maybe it might work according to the situation?

 

I thought it was rather obvious that people who were married shouldn't really date. But, if you can find someone who is interested in starting a relationship while you are still married to another woman... more power to you.

 

I find it strange and somewhat disturbing how you assess the situation and speak about your wife. It's very cold and analytical with with no feeling or emotion. There are some things in life that defy logic and reason... falling in love in one of those things.

[d0nnivain]

I liked that she had a high sex drive and was willing to talk/experiment openly on sex.

 

 

I find it hard to believe that somebody with a high sex drive has yet to consummate her marriage after 3 years.

 

 

I suspect there is much more dysfunction in your relationship then is being disclosed here. I'm not suggesting that you have to spill all your deepest darkest secrets on an internet message board but things aren't adding up for me.

 

 

You don't have to answer me but after 3 years of marriage to a woman with a "high sex" drive you have yet to lose your Virginity. Do you really have a meaningful plan / understanding of how you will lose it with a different woman?

[AlwaysWantingYou48]

MJJean, BaileyB, d0nnivain - thanks again for your feedback!

 

@ MJJean: Yes I do agree with you that sexual compatibility is really important in a marriage. Appreciate your feedback that I should divorce first and then look for a new relationship.

 

@ BaileyB:

- Well now lets see what happens....whether I find a woman or not, I definitely want to put some sort of a timeline for the separation & divorce...though W again stated she would like an open relationship.

- Well I just felt this way is better for decision-making. As stated earlier, we should continue to be great friends. But I also feel to be in the position of a spouse is like a job, so I have to judge her on performance (vice-versa too!). So I did and after 3 years we are just good friends...I cannot say she is my romantic partner or a wife as her performance level hasn't reached to those stages.

- I can of course continue the way it's been, things won't be terrible. But I like improving, progressing & solving problems....in fact I married for the sole purpose of progressing in my life. So if progress isn't happening, that too after 3 years which is a long time, then I really do need to take action on it!

 

@ d0nnivain:

- During the first year we did try a lot of things, mostly foreplay. Before marriage, what was there was trust, friendship & respect...but not attraction I'm afraid. I took a logical approach to move forward & hoped she would improve...unfortunately that hasn't happened, and is unlikely to happen...we really should have stayed together so I could have found out about these issues.

- With a new woman, that attraction has to be there along with the other things of course. And it has to be mutual as well...that will allow us to move forward in this domain.

[BaileyB]

But I also feel to be in the position of a spouse is like a job, so I have to judge her on performance (vice-versa too!). I cannot say she is my romantic partner or a wife as her performance level hasn't reached to those stages.

 

Before marriage, what was there was trust, friendship & respect...but not attraction I'm afraid. I took a logical approach to move forward & hoped she would improve...unfortunately that hasn't happened, and is unlikely to happen...we really should have stayed together so I could have found out about these issues.

 

So, let's clarify. You are divorcing your wife because she will not have sex with you - which you view as a problem with performance? Is that correct?

 

What is the reason why she will not have sex with you? Because, it is very odd that you say she is a high sex drive person but you have never consummated the marriage?

 

And have you told your wife that you are not attracted to her? I can imagine if you have that this could be the reason why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Goodness help my boyfriend if he ever told me that he wasn't attracted to me and started grading my "performance" as a wife. He would not be having sex either!

 

And, why are you not attracted to her? The hygiene issues are easily improved. Surely, you wife can't be that unattractive or you never should have married her.

 

I have a feeling that there is much more to this story... I have a feeling that the problem here may not only be your wife...

[anika99]

So, let's clarify. You are divorcing your wife because she will not have sex with you - which you view as a problem with performance? Is that correct?

 

What is the reason why she will not have sex with you? Because, it is very odd that you say she is a high sex drive person but you have never consummated the marriage?

 

And have you told your wife that you are not attracted to her? I can imagine if you have that this could be the reason why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Goodness help my boyfriend if he ever told me that he wasn't attracted to me and started grading my "performance" as a wife. He would not be having sex either!

 

And, why are you not attracted to her? The hygiene issues are easily improved. Surely, you wife can't be that unattractive or you never should have married her.

 

I have a feeling that there is much more to this story... I have a feeling that the problem here may not only be your wife...

 

Has he said his wife is refusing to have sex with him? I was getting the impression that it is he who is unable to have sex and he blames her.

 

OP, I'm not understanding this at all. How can 2 people with high sex drives and who are married to each other be unable to consummate their relationship in 3yrs? What is going on? What exactly happens when the two of you try? Is that she refuses to let you penertrate her? Is she too dry or too tense to penetrate? Or is it that you are unable to get or maintain an erection?

 

If you both are virgins and have been unable to have sex then I would suggest that you both should visit a doctor to make sure neither of you have any medical issues that are preventing normal sexual responses. Before you go off blaming each other for the lack of sex perhaps you should each look within yourselves. Are there unrealistic expectations? excessive porn or masturbation?

 

Before you run off to find a new relationship you need to be sure that you are physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. These ideas you have about finding someone new before you seperate so that you don't have to spend a single moment alone or feeling lonely indicates a sort of selfishness or immaturity to me. You are already objectifying your next partner and you haven't even met her yet. Whoever this new woman will be, she is already burdened with having to rescue you from your unsatisfactory marriage and keep you from ever feeling lonely or empty.

 

If you have decided that your marriage is doomed and it's futile to stay together then I would suggest you end it in the right way and that you handle it as an adult, instead of waiting or looking for another woman to come hold your hand and lead you out like you are a helpless boy.

[BaileyB]

Has he said his wife is refusing to have sex with him? I was getting the impression that it is he who is unable to have sex and he blames her.

 

These ideas you have about finding someone new before you seperate so that you don't have to spend a single moment alone or feeling lonely indicates a sort of selfishness or immaturity to me. You are already objectifying your next partner and you haven't even met her yet. Whoever this new woman will be, she is already burdened with having to rescue you from your unsatisfactory marriage and keep you from ever feeling lonely or empty.

 

Interesting. I didn't really get that but I definitely understand the fact that he blames his wife for the problems is their relationship. I mean, really, most men will usually not say that they don't want to have sex with a woman because they feel a lack of attraction. Is this being used as an excuse - a convenient reason to blame the wife for the problems in the marriage? Or is it just very unrealistic expectations?

 

Objectify - that is the word that describes what he is doing to his wife. It is the reason why the hair stands up on the back of my neck when I hear him coldly discuss the lack of attraction and dissatisfaction with her performance. And yes, he is already objectifying the next woman in much the same way, believing somehow that there is another attractive woman out there who would be willing to have sex with a still married man and solve all his problems. But let's say that you do find another woman to hold your hand as you leave your marriage... I can imagine that the problems in your marriage will follow you to your next relationship because you seem to have a rather unrealistic and unhealthy view of women and relationships. But, I suppose you will discover this with time.

Edited July 9, 2017 by BaileyB

[Whodatdog]

So the OP has been married 3 years to a woman with a high sex drive, but he is a virgin and wont have sex with his wife. And its her fault.

 

So now he wants a divorce so he can find another woman to try and have sex with.

 

What part of this story are we all missing here?

[AlwaysWantingYou48]

BaileyB, anika99, Whodatdog - thanks for your responses!

 

@ BaileyB:

- No I think you have got it the other way round! I am refusing to have sex with her; she wants it very much so.

- Yes she has asked me many times & I have stated that I am not attracted to her because of issues mentioned previously.

- I agree with you that hygiene issues should be easily resolved. But after 3 years they still haven't been so; please keep in mind that she has mental issues: this could be a reason. So it's part of a bigger problem.

 

@ anika99:

- Well as you know people don't need to have penetrative sex to enjoy physical intimacy. I have stated the issues earlier: poor hygiene & physical limitations from her side. Overall, unfortunately I just don't look at her as someone I should be having sex with.

- Now of course it's not that only beautiful girls are good to have sex with; a person could be really ugly but have a great technique, attitude & approach.

- We have visited a doctor once. We have looked at each other; well I have anyway...knowing her, she's not good at finding issues & solving them. So I did let her know. She did try but progress if any has been perhaps not more than 5% which after a few years is not good enough for me. A normal, healthy person should be able to solve these issues in 6m to 1 year's time.

- Well there might be a little bit of truth in the comment where you have described me as perhaps selfish or immature. I do have a lack of experience in these matters. But I would like to state that I do not want a situation where I want to burden a possible new partner on having to rescue me.

- And on me feeling lonely or empty; I think I am quite independent & can carry on my life without a partner, else I would not have been able to stay so many years as a single man...i.e. I would have definitely attempted to be in a relationship or at least have casual sex.

 

 

Overall, I am getting a feeling from the comments posted that my issues are only related to sex. While it is important to me, I can assure you this is not the case; surely I could have had sex with anyone, paid or not, if I wanted to over the past 3 years? But I didn't; I was trying to solve our issues. Some lower forms of life would have perhaps treated her badly; but I never did! In fact I will try my best to find a suitable match for her too & want to remain good friends with her & her family. The thing is, I have to look at the relationship from all PoVs, and holistically I am not able to see any kind of progress in our future together.

 

I do not think I have unrealistic expectations either, as in expecting my wife to look like a pornstar or be a goddess in bed. I just want a normal, healthy relationship where we are more or less compatible with each other in all matters. I find it difficult to accept a situation where there is a big gap and after 3 years as well!

[anika99]

I didn't say to look at each other to find the problem, I said to look within yourselves. You keep talking about her hygiene as the problem but you have never consummated the marriage. Did she come to her wedding all dirty and smelly? Why wasn't the marriage consummated on your wedding night? Has she not had a single bath in 3yrs?

 

I still maintain that whatever is going on is at least as much your fault as it is hers and that you will take your issues with you wherever you go. I'm getting the sense that you have problems getting or maintaining an erection and you are placing all the blame for that on her. However I do think you should get a divorce. Spending years with your wife telling her she is unattractive and denying her sex is cruel to her. Just get a divorce, you will both be happier in the long run, or at least she will be.

[BaileyB]

Spending years with your wife telling her she is unattractive and denying her sex is cruel to her. Just get a divorce, you will both be happier in the long run, or at least she will be.

 

Agreed. Divorce is the best option. Be kind to your wife and let her go.