How did you ask for a divorce?

[Mrs. Miserable]

I'm faced with the dreaded divorce conversation w hubs. He's going to be opposed. How did you break the bad news to your spouse? Looking for do's and don't advice.

[SammySammy]

Go to lawyers office. File for divorce. Have divorce papers served.

[Mrs. Miserable]

I have already met w an attorney and signed all papers to begin the process. I've even pain my retainer fee. Are you suggesting I serve him without first telling him I'm filing???

[SammySammy]

Why not?

 

You've decided to divorce without him knowing. Started the process without him knowing. How will "asking" him now make things better? When you already know he's going to resist. Just do it and move to the next stage in the process.

[thefooloftheyear]

Are there kids involved....Changes everything about how you choose to do this...If not,then do as the other poster suggested..

 

TFY

[littleblackheart]

Depends on how you think he will react. I chose the direct 'I want a divorce' said to his face approach because by that point I was past caring, but it could be tricky in some situations.

 

Just send him an email giving him the facts (ie that you have filed, the decision is made and he should have the papers soon) if you don't want to tell him face to face, but ultimately giving him warning seems like the right thing to do, unless he is a certified pyscho. He'll probably take it badly whichever way you tell him, so I'm not sure it makes much of a difference in the end.

 

Get it over and done with asap, so it won't play on your mind for too long.

[PegNosePete]

Are you suggesting I serve him without first telling him I'm filing???

No. YOU don't serve him.

 

The court serves the papers to him.

 

You could give him a heads up if you like. "By the way, I have filed for divorce. You'll be getting the papers in the post soon." But it's entirely optional.

 

But there's really very little point asking for a divorce. You don't need his permission, co-operation or even his signature, to get one.

[reboot]

Go to lawyers office. File for divorce. Have divorce papers served.

 

That's how I did it. There's no reason to have any confrontation.

[Mrs. Miserable]

Thanks everyone. Yes, we have a 16 yo son to consider. My hub is not psycho, and I do not fear him. I have asked for a divorce several times over the past five years. He always promises to do better, be more involved, spend more time with us, blah blah blah. It never lasts. I'm not going to

Ask for a divorce again. I want to just tell him I've filed. I can't , for the life of me, get the courage to do it. I'm strong and independent, but I can't seem to find the words or the right time to tell him. I don't want to be a coward.

[stillafool]

Have him served with divorce papers and then talk. Don't continue to keep this from him. The only words necessary are "I filed for divorce."

[dichotomy]

Its all related to the state of your marriage.

 

In my first - there was an affair and brief (stupid) separation - after it looked hopeless I said - its time to divorce. I had a lawyer lined up and papers done a day or two after that. She did not care one bit - cruel cheater she was.

 

If your husband is not a monster to you, if their is some basic civility - you might simply try being a little kind "Husband, I know you did not want this, but it has not worked out, I field papers and the divorce is moving forward. I am so sorry, but I can't go on" Or something like this.

 

Now - you say he is not a psycho - but even normal people can react badly to the final final end. I hope you have taken means to secure any personal or valuables (maybe photos or little trinkets, or family heirlooms) that are very special to you, and isolated any financial accounts. I know the lawyer will go after him if he did something - but better safe than sorry. Also a place you could go to if needed. I hope your 16 year old is ready for this as well - perhaps a therapist lined up for your kid.

Edited July 6, 2017 by dichotomy

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone. Yes, we have a 16 yo son to consider. My hub is not psycho, and I do not fear him. I have asked for a divorce several times over the past five years. He always promises to do better, be more involved, spend more time with us, blah blah blah. It never lasts. I'm not going to

Ask for a divorce again. I want to just tell him I've filed. I can't , for the life of me, get the courage to do it. I'm strong and independent, but I can't seem to find the words or the right time to tell him. I don't want to be a coward.

 

For the sake of your son, and the fact you've been married for over 20 years, you have to try to give your marriage one last shot and do marriage counseling. I read in your previous thread that your H was willing to go with you but never made an appt. You make the appt and go with him. If the love is there and there's a chance your marriage can get better with professional help, why not try and give it your absolute best together.

 

Would be a real shame in a year or two you regret divorcing without really trying to fix things and give him the opportunity to work on himself and try to reconnect with you.

[Mrs. Miserable]

Thanks everyone for the words of advice. This is something I have to do. Whew. Wish me luck for courage.

[mikeylo]

If you tell or ask him, he will find yet another way to reel you back. It has happened before, it will happen again.You know that already.

 

Let the sherrif do his job.

[beatcuff]

Its all related to the state of your marriage....If your husband is not a monster to you, if their is some basic civility - you might simply try being a little kind "Husband, I know you did not want this, but it has not worked out"...

i do not often agree with Dichotomy but this is good advice. having the sheriff 'do his job' will only get him fired up leading to a protracted 'messy' divorce. doing it 'friendly' is much easier on everyone, especially your child.

 

i came home on a Friday, asked W what are we doing tonight (typical question) and she looked at me and said "i can't do this anymore". i knew we were not doing well but to actually hear those words.... we talked for about 5 minutes. it did not help me feel any better but at least i had an understanding of her why. we ended up going to (for the sake of the children) MC. i found out later she was seeing an IC for months (the IC suggested MC) and had, with the help of friends, been search of an apartment.

 

so, OP i suggest something similar: make certain your son is out of the house, when H comes home, allow him to 'get settled' then say 'we need to talk' (it appears all persons are hard wired to realize this is not going to be good). leave out emotion, leave out the papers were written, do not waiver (at least in this conversation), stay on point (do not get into an argument over why). good luck.

[reboot]

I guess I don't understand why, if someone is REALLY done, if they're REALLY ready to end something they swore would last forever, if they're not just looking to give their spouse a wake up call, and especially as in this case have already hired a lawyer and drawn up the papers, what is there left to talk about? Just have them served. *shrug*

[Michelle ma Belle]

Its all related to the state of your marriage.

 

In my first - there was an affair and brief (stupid) separation - after it looked hopeless I said - its time to divorce. I had a lawyer lined up and papers done a day or two after that. She did not care one bit - cruel cheater she was.

 

If your husband is not a monster to you, if their is some basic civility - you might simply try being a little kind "Husband, I know you did not want this, but it has not worked out, I field papers and the divorce is moving forward. I am so sorry, but I can't go on" Or something like this.

Now - you say he is not a psycho - but even normal people can react badly to the final final end. I hope you have taken means to secure any personal or valuables (maybe photos or little trinkets, or family heirlooms) that are very special to you, and isolated any financial accounts. I know the lawyer will go after him if he did something - but better safe than sorry. Also a place you could go to if needed. I hope your 16 year old is ready for this as well - perhaps a therapist lined up for your kid.

 

THIS!!

 

I was with my ex hubby for 20 years (4 years dating/16 married) when we separated.

 

How you handle things has a lot to do with the state of your relationship AND how YOU want things to be between the two of you AFTER divorce.

 

Although my ex and I had a very tumultuous relationship I wanted to part on good terms or at least on neutral terms if only for the sake of our children. It was going to be hard enough as it was breaking up my family and just like I fought hard to save my marriage, I fought hard to ensure the transition was a smooth and as civil as possible.

 

How? I started the conversation. Like you, I threatened divorced countless times in marriage. It was like crying wolf. When I finally made the decision that I was officially done, I knew I needed to make sure he listened to what I was saying this time. This wasn't just another threat.

 

We went out to dinner one night and I brought it up. Started with reminding him how challenging things have been, how unhappy we both were, how we both deserved better as do our children. I promised myself to remain calm and not let my emotions take over and get caught up in yet another heated debate that went no where.

 

He listened. And we talked. And although he didn't want the separation, he could tell I was done. I think he tired too and realized this was the better option for everyone.

 

It was then when we talked about what kind of people we wanted to be for our children post separation/divorce. Our children have always been high priority and we've seen too many divorced couples use their children as pawns in their hatred of one another. Despite how things ended up between us, we vowed NEVER to become those people and always make them and their happiness a priority no matter what.

 

And we did. It took about a little over 18 months from the time we had that chat to when we sold our house and moved on with our lives. Once my ex hubby was on board, we worked together to settle up paperwork and finances and even get each other settled in our new places. It was bittersweet to say the least.

 

We are still the best of friends 9 years later because we work at our post-divorce relationship. It's ironic how divorce made us kinder and more patient with each other.

 

I know my story isn't the norm even if couples have an amicable divorce but I think it's important to see what is possible.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[Popsicle]

I had a talk with my ex-H about it first. I definitely had to warn him that the papers were coming, and they did a few days later. It wasn't a big surprise to him since I had tossed the idea Around before with him but I had never pulled the trigger before. I had to tell him that this was it. It seems courteous. And you will both have to plan together how you're going to tell the kids and handle their care. We sat our kids down and told them together.

[reboot]

By the time I got to the point that I was fed up enough to divorce, the last thing I was worried about was being courteous.

[beatcuff]

By the time I got to the point that I was fed up enough to divorce, the last thing I was worried about was being courteous.

you mind is already made up. nothing will change it. then what do you have to lose? 10 minutes of your time? especially because:

we have a 16 yo son to consider

so you want to say nothing, which will result in questions then resentment. that will be fun with the ensuing custody and D hearings. add their child's hs graduation, college graduation, marriage, births, and nearly every milestone for the remainder of his (child's) life.

 

you don't owe HIM anything. but 10 minutes of your time today will certainly make the remainder of your life easier. and if he is still 'bitter' as least you can rest easy knowing you did your part.

[Mrs. Miserable]

So true!! Thanks.

[Mrs. Miserable]

It makes it so hard bc we rarely fuss. From the outside looking in, we have a great life. Even he thinks it's great. I'm in such turmoil.

[amaysngrace]

My exH and I went to marriage counseling after I filed while we were still married. It didn't change much because I was absolutely done but you're in turmoil. That's different.

 

You can always do the counseling and can always drop the divorce action if you change your mind and begin to believe that you can spend the rest of your life with him again.

[GeekLover]

So my story in a nutshell (not as accepted probably...but my story nonetheless):

 

I found myself in an affair about 2 years after my first child was born. I didn't plan it (obviously), but I knew full well what I was getting involved in, yet I let it happen. I had my "reasons", so to speak. (And before people attack me, I recognize the personal faults I had that lead me to this point...as does my H...it's all part of our story and we can both acknowledge this).

 

Anyway...after lots of drama between my AP and I, my husband finally found out 2 years ago.

 

We began counselling right away and continued this together for about a year. Some sessions were individual, some were together. Overall though, we decided together that the main goal would be to improve our communication and better our relationship NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED. There were no real expectations...we mostly went into it to see what we could do. (Spoiler: Communication was the BIGGEST issue in our marriage. We NEVER HAD A FIGHT IN THE FIRST 15 YEARS of our relationship. This was literally the FIRST issue we dealt with head on together).

 

I continued therapy individually past a year, but my husband was not finding it as helpful as I was.

 

Husband and I worked together to bring ourselves closer, but my romantic feelings for him were gone. I'm pretty sure he knew this at this point, but he was still in denial.

 

In the fall, I was FINALLY able to admit this. It wasn't easy. I had reached a point where I relied A LOT on alcohol to lessen the pain I was going through. Today, I still struggle with this, but I have been setting some goals to improve my dependency.

 

One night when I was drinking, something came over me.

 

I remember leaving the house in my bare feet...I ran around the block twice in the rain, cutting my feet up on the glass and stones on the road.

 

When I finally stopped, I entered the house and doubled over the kitchen island...sobbing. My H heard me (as he was putting the kids to bed at the time)...when he came down I had already made my way to the couch.

 

He crouched beside me and that's when I told him: "I can't do this anymore. I love someone else."

 

He knew. He understood. We have worked so hard to make things work, but I just don't feel that way about him.

 

I love my husband to death AS A FRIEND. He's literally my BEST friend...but romantically I don't. I don't know why. I wish to GOD I did. But I don't, but I can't fight that fight anymore.

 

It makes me sad. He's such a good man, but for some reason I am not attracted to him in that way. I finally allowed myself to accept this, as hard as it's been.

 

However...we are both happy. We still live together and have been working on separating since the fall. What I'm most proud of is how we've gone about this.

 

Our top priority has been our children, and I am most confident that we have set ourselves up so that they will be effected as little as possible. We have learned to communicate better than we ever did before (after counselling) and we continue to be the best of friends.

 

We have worked together on our finances so that we will both be in a comfortable situation separately. Neither one of us wants the other to struggle.

 

I am so proud of what we have accomplished together, and I wish everyone could have the same experience, but I know we are not the norm.

 

That's unfortunate.

 

Anyway...that's how it all went down for me. Haha...maybe more than you needed, but there ya go!

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited July 8, 2017 by GeekLover

[dichotomy]

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Edited July 8, 2017 by dichotomy