Heartbroken yet again...

[Cora]

Can you go somewhere else for your vacation? Or take a friend with you?

 

Well I'll be going with family so that should help. It's just my family knows nothing about him and I'd like to keep it that way so I'm going to have to put on a brave face and fake being happy.

[Cora]

I have to get this off my chest. I did something Thursday that I probably shouldn't have done. But I needed closure. I sent him a text...not expecting him to even reply. I asked him did he not want to see me anymore? He replied within minutes saying that that wasn't the case and asked if I could come over that night?

 

I figured he just wanted sex, but I went because I wanted answers. As soon I got there I could tell something was wrong because he looked as if someone close to him had just died. His eyes were all red and I couldn't tell if he'd been crying or if it was from the alcohol he'd been drinking. He sat me down on the couch and said "I have something I need to tell you...I need to be honest with you." I braced myself. He said he felt guilty for going silent on me and ignoring me. He said he knew I told him that's how my ex left me and how he didn't want to be that guy who did it to me again. How he didn't want me looking back and remembering him in that way. He then went on to say "you probably had a feeling I was dating other women huh?" I told him yes. He said "well I drove over 4 hours last weekend to see this girl." He told me he met her shortly after meeting me and that this was his second time seeing her. He told me it didn't go well. He said she found out about me because I text him while he was at her house. He said it also didn't go well because when they went out he had a drink after two months of being sober. (He's had a difficult time with alcohole ever since he got out of the military. He's had major health problems from it and almost died twice.) Anyway, he said he thought he could handle it, but one drink led to another and another and he became drunk and belligerent. She got upset with him and told him to never contact her again.

 

He said he was very upset and depressed over the whole thing, but mostly because he drank again. He told me that she later blamed herself for taking him out for drinks knowing he has an addiction to alcohol. I asked him if there was any way he could work things out with her? He said no. That it wasn't going to work between them. Here I am trying to help him patch things up with her and even apologized for ruining things by texting him while he was with her. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I trying to help him? He told me it had nothing to do with me at all and that I wasn't to blame...that this was all his fault.

 

We talked for a long time. He told me he felt like I was coming on too strong in the beginning, but how I've mellowed out a lot. I was totally confused by that because I felt like he was the one coming on too strong in the beginning and I became more intense and clingy as we kept seeing each other. He didn't agree with that. He asked me what I wanted? I told him I was just happy with the way things were going and happy to be his friend. He said "you don't want something serious?" "It doesn't bother you that I see other women?" I told him no, that he is free to date whomever he wants. Why was I lying to him? This wasn't the truth at all. It was eating me up inside. He said it bothered him to know I was dating that other guy. Then he asked me again if I was sure I didn't want something serious? And if I was sure it didn't bother me that he was seeing other women? So I finally bit the bullet and told him I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me and that I did indeed want something serious someday. At one point he asks if I'm ok because I look uncomfortable and like I had tears in my eyes. I told him I was fine. I told him if he wanted space from me and did not want to see me again that all he had to do was tell me. He says no, that he still wants me in his life. That he feels like he can really open up and tell me anything. He asks where I saw the two of us years down the road? I was completely thrown off by this question and asked him to clarify?

 

Before he could answer his phone started ringing and it was her. He said to me "I'm really sorry and I hate to be a dick, but I really need to face time her and talk to her to try to smooth things over after last weekend and her blaming herself. He asked what I was doing this weekend? That he'd like to see me. He told me he'd contact me later. I got up to quickly leave his place. He pulled me close and gave me the longest hug, kissed me and then I left.

 

I felt a sense of relief after this meeting because I felt like I got my closure, but at the same time I felt totally confused. He's obviously still very into this woman and much more than he is into me because he practically kicked me out to talk with her. So it's definitely not over between them. Don't know why he thinks I can't see that? It hurt to know he is more interested in this girl who lives 4 hours away than me who lives ten minutes from his house. I figured he wouldn't follow through with wanting to see me this weekend...that he'd forget as soon as he sobered up. He did text me later that night though after I had got home. I asked him how it went talking to her? He said the same and that he was pretty upset. He didn't end up seeing me this weekend as he was exhausted and not in a good place. I wasn't surprised.

 

I know I shouldn't have seen him. I just needed to know no matter how much it hurt me. I haven't heard from him since and I don't plan on contacting him. Sigh...I left his place feeling like a damn fool. It's been a rough couple of days.

[angel.eyes]

I know this is very hard, but you absolutely must cut all contact with him. If you don't he will continue to confuse you so that you sit on his back burner and guarantee him options. Don't allow yourself to be strung along.

 

The guy has a lot of issues. You don't need an active alcoholic who basically cheated on you for most of the short-lived relationship you had. That's not the type of person you entrust with your heart.

[Cora]

I know this is very hard, but you absolutely must cut all contact with him. If you don't he will continue to confuse you so that you sit on his back burner and guarantee him options. Don't allow yourself to be strung along.

 

The guy has a lot of issues. You don't need an active alcoholic who basically cheated on you for most of the short-lived relationship you had. That's not the type of person you entrust with your heart.

 

I know you are right. I don't plan on contacting him again. I got my answers from him. It may not be the complete truth, but I got the most important information that he's found someone else. I don't feel as though he was being honest with me regarding the details with this woman, but I wouldn't want to know the details anyway.

 

The point is he's seeing someone else who is more important to him. Someone he puts before me. I don't want to settle for someone whose feelings are only lukewarm for me. I fell hard for him way too fast, but his actions tell me he doesn't feel the same. Afterall, he drove 4 hours to see this woman, was clearly torn up over possibly losing her and basically kicked me out to patch things up with her. I care about him as a human being and truly hope he can overcome his alcohol addiction and take care of himself for his own wellbeing and for his kids. I told him that he's the only father his kids have and to please take care of himself. I hope for his sake that he can patch things up with this girl and be happy again. If not then I hope he can find his happiness elsewhere.

 

I miss him and I'm hurting, but I've been here before so I know in time my feelings will start to fade and I won't be so emotional. It's just going to suck in the meantime.

[anassa]

He told me he felt like I was coming on too strong in the beginning, but how I've mellowed out a lot. I was totally confused by that because I felt like he was the one coming on too strong in the beginning and I became more intense and clingy as we kept seeing each other. He didn't agree with that.

 

This feels kind of gaslight-y to me. I'd bet money you were right. My experience has always been that men push hard and fast to get sex, while women are initially cautious of such. Then they cool off and think about if they actually want to be with the woman. Don't let him make you doubt yourself.

 

He asked me what I wanted? I told him I was just happy with the way things were going and happy to be his friend. He said "you don't want something serious?" "It doesn't bother you that I see other women?" I told him no, that he is free to date whomever he wants. Why was I lying to him? This wasn't the truth at all. It was eating me up inside. He said it bothered him to know I was dating that other guy. Then he asked me again if I was sure I didn't want something serious? And if I was sure it didn't bother me that he was seeing other women? So I finally bit the bullet and told him I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me and that I did indeed want something serious someday. At one point he asks if I'm ok because I look uncomfortable and like I had tears in my eyes. I told him I was fine. I told him if he wanted space from me and did not want to see me again that all he had to do was tell me. He says no, that he still wants me in his life.

 

It seems to me this guy went to see another woman because he still wants to play the field, but wants to keep you around just in case. This reads like he was testing you to see how much you'll put up with. It hurts to read that you didn't feel strong enough (?) to express what you truly want, and how much it would hurt you otherwise. If he now knows that, he can feel comfortable manipulating your emotions, stringing you along by saying he wants you around.

 

 

He asks where I saw the two of us years down the road? I was completely thrown off by this question and asked him to clarify? Before he could answer his phone started ringing and it was her. He said to me "I'm really sorry and I hate to be a dick, but I really need to face time her and talk to her to try to smooth things over after last weekend and her blaming herself.

 

He is a dick. Neither you nor the other woman should feel guilty or needing to coddle him about his alcohol abuse. Aside from that, he brought up the important topic of the future yet left it hanging because the other woman called?! Remember he didn't say anything of how he viewed the future together. He didn't follow up on his plans for the weekend. Wanting you in his life is not the same thing as a committed relationship!

 

 

If you're tired of being sad, be mad! This guy prioritized a woman he has only seen twice over you, both in a general sense and in the middle of a conversation in which you were obviously emotionally vulnerable.

 

 

I suggest you write down a list of rational points to remind you that he is not as good as you think and refer to it when you're feeling vulnerable. I did this and it still took 2 months to end it, but it helped because I was sick of going through what essentially was a breakup process every single time.