Online dating leading to nothing

[amkxoxo]

So earlier this year, March to be exact, I joined Match.com. I’m 25, have been single for a year. I spent that year re-discovering myself, looking at what I want, and going to a counselor to sort out any old issues. I finally felt ready, so I joined.

 

At first, I didn’t like it. I felt like I was a piece of meat being picked at a butcher shop. But I soon realized that I had my own choice in meat. So I tried to stay positive. I was getting messages and lots of likes from men. The first man I talked to, we hit it off. We moved into texting and were talking a lot. Until a technical error hit. On my phone, his message was the last one, so to me it looked like he stopped responding to me. On his phone my message was shown last, and he thought I stopped responding. I waited days and I finally gave in and broke the ice again. He freaked out on me for leading him on, disappearing, and started saying how he isn’t looking for someone who isn’t serious etc…

 

We eventually realized the technical error and he apologized. He passively ghosted me a few days later. I think he still had a bad taste in his mouth. I remember thinking that he was so sensitive and testy about it.

 

But now, I am him. I keep meeting men. We chat, we seem to hit it off, and then they disappear. Poof! My favorite part if that they are passive. If I texted any one of them right now, they would answer, but they aren’t chasing me, nor putting in any effort to see me. I feel like my luck is getting worse and worse.

 

The second guy I met on there, seemed great. He had a lot of baggage, but I gave him a chance. He asked me out right away. We texted a lot, and talked on the phone, which was even better. Our first date was so amazing. We had chemistry. My friends were in awe of me, as my first online date was the best ever. I was on cloud nine. But his baggage still lurked around. He was engaged earlier this year to his high school sweetheart of 12 years. He still lived in their home together. Remnants of her all over it. She had moved out and he was living on his own. He was emotionally fragile, but we still dated. He seemed so into me. I couldn’t believe my first time meeting someone from online and I was on my way to having a boyfriend. Things were going so well that some of my friends signed up for Match too. It was short lived. Over a month into dating, he started disappearing, passively of course. I would text him. He would answer, but made no plans to see me. I looked back on everything I did, said, etc… and could find not one thing clearly wrong. My friends assured me he would come around, but he didn’t. I was devastated. It was the worst thing ever. He was telling me he was going to see me soon, kissing me, had me in his bed with him, and he seemed totally into me. Told me his mother would love me, and even brought up the “what are we” talk, with no prodding from me. Haven’t seen him in over 6 weeks and haven’t spoken in 4. He used the “I’m so busy” excuse to the fullest and I finally gave up trying. I wish he could have at least said something to me. After over a month of dating, telling me he really liked me etc... he could have had the decency to say something to me.

 

I pushed on. Depressed as I was, I was determined to keep trying. My friends assured me it wasn’t me, it was him and his baggage. They assured me that other men weren’t like him. So I started talking to another man. He seemed stable, secure, successful. No baggage in the distance. We talked for weeks, from morning until night. I finally mentioned meeting up. He said he’d love to, and he would even drive to see me. Everything seemed great, until slowly, but surely, the communication got less, and less, and less, until now it’s nothing. I messaged him, and he answered and we talked and talked, but then I never heard from him. Passively ghosted again.

 

I’m slowly losing hope. I’m now talking to two men. One guy, has been texting with me for probably close to a month now. What’s nice about him is that when I seem less communicative he seems to continue to keep the conversation going. I appreciate that. I mentioned meeting up and he said he’d like to, but we have no plans in the future. Another man, I have been talking to for a week or so. He seems great. Stable, secure. He even told me he is truly looking for someone to share his life with. He says he wants to see me. He has mentioned us doing things multiple times, but no plan is ever set into motion. He seems nice, and probably the most promising, but to be honest, I’m just waiting for the day he ghosts me.

 

I know this is how dating is, and this is how online culture works, but it’s a constant slap in the face. I feel like every guy seems great for a few weeks, but when it comes down to actually putting any effort into me, taking me out, or having to spend any time or money, they suddenly disappear. I feel like the first guy I talked to, wanting to freak out on these men for not being serious about dating. I am stable, secure, and successful, and I am looking to share my life with someone. I just feel like half of these guys I’m meeting preach that they are the same as me, stable, secure, looking to share their lives, but when it comes down to actually doing it, they don’t.

 

I'm 25, have a great salary job, my own nice apartment, nice car, good friends, family. I'm about 145 lbs, dress cute, and really try hard to always look nice. I am not perfect, but I try hard to take care of myself.

 

I keep getting feelings of “You’re not good enough”, because it feels that way when these men take off, as they seem to keep doing. I feel like I am at my wits end of dating. Like I can’t catch a break and I am almost ready to give up.

 

I laugh because most of these guys all do the same thing. They talk to you, ask all similar questions. They cal you cute, and want to know all about you. You talk for a long while. They seem hooked, and into you. And then when you least expect it they suddenly pull away. You text them, and they answer like nothing is wrong. It reassures you to try again, so you do, but after a while you realize that they are putting in zero effort, and not wanting to see you, or even text you. And then you don't text them anymore, and they never follow up with you. Its literally so terrible.

Edited July 5, 2017 by amkxoxo

[coolheadal]

Sorry your going through this but sometimes life is not the way you want it to be. Don't give up hope and just give it some time so the right guy can come into your life. But can I ask you a question? What sort of man are you looking for? How goes the first date with these guys? When do you notice the changes you speak of?

 

Are you going by birth signs?

Are you going by what they have, mean are they the same level as you?

Are you just seeking anyone?

Does age matter to you?

 

 

You say you have everything except at age 25 a boy friend? Have you ever had one, if so what happen to that guy. I mean before match.com. Why not try OKC = Okcupid you have a bit more choice on there. Just keep on trying it's so hard to meet anyone today. So much lies, cheats and people still married and just acting like it's okay to be married and still have someone on the side.

 

I am looking for someone but I am not looking now. I want to do some things first in life then I'll go back. I own my house not MORT, own my own SUV, no kids, not baggage, got my life together. But like you I find the same in women online as you do in men. I learn and grow and have a healthy ego you have to stay confident today. Can't be weak or show either. You mentioned depression. Do you suffer from that. Not being rude just asking.

 

I am like you got a JOB and I work and best person where I am friendly out going, but I choose to be this way, happy and free! But still we all need to have someone we can talk too and share our life with. You have GF to support you that's great. But you have to support yourself. Enjoy life go out and have fun! Too.. Join groups meet new people. See you have to do your part to make it work! I play drums tonight Wednesday in a group in the park near the beach. Everyone from everywhere comes out tourist also. They stop and ask me if I play the drums I say yes I do. I encourage them to come and out and dance and listen to drums.

 

I hope you still don't give up hope I sure don't!

[CptInsano]

[...]

I laugh because most of these guys all do the same thing. They talk to you, ask all similar questions. They cal you cute, and want to know all about you. You talk for a long while. They seem hooked, and into you. And then when you least expect it they suddenly pull away. You text them, and they answer like nothing is wrong. It reassures you to try again, so you do, but after a while you realize that they are putting in zero effort, and not wanting to see you, or even text you. And then you don't text them anymore, and they never follow up with you. Its literally so terrible.

 

Does this surprise you? After all, OLD allows you to contact a large number of members of the opposite sex, meaning that it is a numbers game. Electronic forms of communication are safe, non-committal, and don't require a lot of effort. It's the opposite of asking somebody out IRL, where you likely know the other person, and risk in-person rejection.

 

Of course the results on OLD are different, and nothing really counts until you meet the other person IRL.

 

May I ask why you seem to use as your primary tool to find somebody?

[amkxoxo]

Sorry your going through this but sometimes life is not the way you want it to be. Don't give up hope and just give it some time so the right guy can come into your life. But can I ask you a question? What sort of man are you looking for? How goes the first date with these guys? When do you notice the changes you speak of?

 

Are you going by birth signs?

Are you going by what they have, mean are they the same level as you?

Are you just seeking anyone?

Does age matter to you?

 

 

You say you have everything except at age 25 a boy friend? Have you ever had one, if so what happen to that guy. I mean before match.com. Why not try OKC = Okcupid you have a bit more choice on there. Just keep on trying it's so hard to meet anyone today. So much lies, cheats and people still married and just acting like it's okay to be married and still have someone on the side.

 

I am looking for someone but I am not looking now. I want to do some things first in life then I'll go back. I own my house not MORT, own my own SUV, no kids, not baggage, got my life together. But like you I find the same in women online as you do in men. I learn and grow and have a healthy ego you have to stay confident today. Can't be weak or show either. You mentioned depression. Do you suffer from that. Not being rude just asking.

 

I am like you got a JOB and I work and best person where I am friendly out going, but I choose to be this way, happy and free! But still we all need to have someone we can talk too and share our life with. You have GF to support you that's great. But you have to support yourself. Enjoy life go out and have fun! Too.. Join groups meet new people. See you have to do your part to make it work! I play drums tonight Wednesday in a group in the park near the beach. Everyone from everywhere comes out tourist also. They stop and ask me if I play the drums I say yes I do. I encourage them to come and out and dance and listen to drums.

 

I hope you still don't give up hope I sure don't!

 

 

I was in a toxic situation with a guy I met at 21. We met in college. He was fresh out of a relationship, and unsure of what he wanted. I was ready for a relationship and I wanted him. He kept me on a string. Keeping me away, but still tied to him. He manipulated me and I lost all sense of self and fell into depression, with an innate attachment to him. We were on and off for three years. He would act like my boyfriend and then disappear. He would never commit to me. He was always unsure, but then he would come around and treat me like his girlfriend. I eventually grew bitter and over his stringing me along, and started calling him out on things, which made him angry. We eventually were done with each other, and I don’t want anything to do with him or anyone like him. I let him invade my life for way too long and I regret it. He never chased me or fought for me. I want someone who does fight for me. He never loved me or made me a priority, and at times was disrespectful. I never felt important to him. I felt so far down his priority list. I chased him, which I regret. I was in love with the idea of him, of us, and what we could be, but not of the actual reality of it. I would have never been happy with him.

 

When he and I were on a break at one point. It was for many months, I did start dating someone else. A friend of mine. He wasn’t my type at all. Never someone I would ever date, but I think I fell for his personality first and the rest of him second. I think we never should have dated. He was my best friend and we never should have gotten romantic. He treated me well and he was my boyfriend for a short time, but inside he wasn’t truly the person I wanted. He fought for me and tried to do all the right things. He was in love with me. I wanted someone to treat me similar to him, but I wanted it to be someone else. That was out downfall in the end. We were good friends, but we had totally different life values. He partied too much with his friends, didn’t have a good job, with low aspirations to do anything else, and didn’t value family as important. Those were things I could not get over.

 

I want someone who makes time for me and puts in effort to spend time with me. I want someone who has a stable life and career and/or aspirations and goals for themselves. I want someone who wants to do fun things together, and someone who is over the whole party scene. Its fine if they like to drink a bit and occasionally go out, but I don’t want someone who goes and gets drunk every weekend. I’m looking for someone who is on equal footing as myself. Has a nice place of their own, job, car, etc… Someone who values family time and likes to go on vacations with me, and with me and my family. I’m looking for someone age 24-30, with toned to average build and decently attractive.

[amkxoxo]

Does this surprise you? After all, OLD allows you to contact a large number of members of the opposite sex, meaning that it is a numbers game. Electronic forms of communication are safe, non-committal, and don't require a lot of effort. It's the opposite of asking somebody out IRL, where you likely know the other person, and risk in-person rejection.

 

Of course the results on OLD are different, and nothing really counts until you meet the other person IRL.

 

May I ask why you seem to use as your primary tool to find somebody?

 

I use this as my primary source of meeting men, because I stopped meeting a lot of men my age. I work with all older people in an office, and our client base is teenagers. I rarely meet people my age at all in everyday life. And when I was going out with friends, I wasn't meeting a lot of nice men, looking for a girlfriend. They were all drunk and looking to hook up, and sometimes I would find out they were 21, and still in college. Not for me. I did recently get set up on a blind date that a friend set me up on. I didn't like him at all and felt absolutely nothing. I tried it, but he was not my type at all.

[d0nnivain]

I only did OLD for 90 days almost 10 years ago. It was one of the most demoralizing experiences of my life.

 

 

If you don't feel good about yourself & you are not in a good place, get off OLD. It will be the best thing you do.

[amkxoxo]

I like when guys are NOT clingy. I like when they aren't all over me and I feel pressure. I don't like to feel too much pressure. But over the years I have realized that its not a good thing, because it shows that they aren't all that invested in me and interested in being with me, as they aren't into me enough. They don't pressure me, because they don't care if they lose me. I need to someone to care if they lose me.

[CptInsano]

I use this as my primary source of meeting men, because I stopped meeting a lot of men my age. [...]

 

Then you may have to look develop something outside of work, may it be political activism, hobbies, team sports, fitness classes, or any other shared interests. I agree with you that the bar scene has its own pitfalls, but there are many other places outside of work. Your friends setting you up may still be a good approach, even though it didn't work that one time. Private parties are one of the best occasions to get to know somebody.

[salparadise]

 

I keep meeting men. We chat, we seem to hit it off, and then they disappear. Poof! My favorite part if that they are passive. If I texted any one of them right now, they would answer, but they aren’t chasing me, nor putting in any effort to see me. I feel like my luck is getting worse and worse.

 

We talked for weeks, from morning until night. I finally mentioned meeting up. He said he’d love to, and he would even drive to see me. Everything seemed great, until slowly, but surely, the communication got less, and less, and less, until now it’s nothing. I messaged him, and he answered and we talked and talked, but then I never heard from him. Passively ghosted again.

 

Another man... mentioned us doing things multiple times, but no plan is ever set into motion. He seems nice, and probably the most promising, but to be honest, I’m just waiting for the day he ghosts me.

 

I know this is how dating is, and this is how online culture works, but it’s a constant slap in the face. I feel like every guy seems great for a few weeks, but when it comes down to actually putting any effort into me, taking me out, or having to spend any time or money, they suddenly disappear. I feel like the first guy I talked to, wanting to freak out on these men for not being serious about dating.

 

I just feel like half of these guys I’m meeting preach that they are the same as me.. but when it comes down to actually doing it, they don’t.

 

I'm 25, have a great salary job, my own nice apartment, nice car, good friends, family. I'm about 145 lbs, dress cute, and really try hard to always look nice. I am not perfect, but I try hard to take care of myself.

 

I keep getting feelings of “You’re not good enough”, because it feels that way when these men take off, as they seem to keep doing.

 

They cal you cute, and want to know all about you. You talk for a long while. They seem hooked, and into you. And then when you least expect it they suddenly pull away.

 

 

I hardly know where to start, and I don't want to write a tome here. Both your methods and expectations are off. Plus you're hanging onto 19th century notions with regard to how people are supposed to behave in the 21st century with internet and online dating.

 

First, quit taking any of this personally. Yea, I know it's hard when you have several duds in a row, but if you flip a coin a hundred times, chances are good that you will have three runs of five in the hundred tosses. Accept that you're looking for a needle in a haystack, and most aren't it. The closer you lower the expectation to zero, the less disappointment you will have.

 

Secondly, just quit trying to date via text. Investing weeks or months of work and emotion in someone you haven't even met is ludicrous! Use the site as a way to meet men and quickly set up dates. Nothing more.

 

Don't expect men to chase. Only ignorant, immature, weenies with no options do that the way you expect. Quality men have options. If you are acting like a Victorian debutante they're going to move along and look for a WOMAN who can stand toe-to-toe and reciprocates.

 

If a guy doesn't ask to meet after several messages or several days, it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask him! If he isn't eager, next him quickly. Do not invest ANY emotion in these interactions until you've actually met in person, and even then don't invest unless and until you start dating and everything feels congruent.

 

Don't date people who are fresh off of a breakup of a serious relationship, separated, divorced less than a year or two, etc. Period. They aren't ready and you WILL get your heart broken if you fall for them.... which you seem to be prone to doing.

 

Its good to have self-confidence, but having a job and an apartment doesn't really make you the catch of the season. You said you weigh 145, which is good if you're above average height, but you'd have to be 6' tall for that to be on the lower en of normal (thin). So I'm guessing you're in the 5'9" range where this is a normal weight... neither an asset or liability. The point being, none of these factors are likely detrimental to your dating equity, but they don't set you up as the next Princess Grace either.

 

You ARE worthy and plenty good enough, but you aren't any more entitled to than the next person. This forum is filled with people struggling to find and maintain a good relationship. You have to separate those two concepts –– they're on parallel tracks and must never intersect.

 

Dating and mating a competitive endeavor. You should be proactive, not laying back being passive, expecting guys to chase like their genetic proliferation depends on it. Gender roles are much more egalitarian than they were when Darwin published his thesis.

 

Lastly, it's not OLD that's the problem. This is just dating. Yes, the ineffective texting is unique to the internet age, but you can fix that by giving up this notion that a guy is supposed to be hooked without ever seeing you in person.

 

I have gotten to the point where I often ask women out in the first message if they're indicated some interest by messaging first, liking my profile, etc. If they say they's like to get to know me first, I usually say no thanks. You'll never know how the energy and attraction will be until you meet in person, so quit wasting time, and in your case emotion, dicking around and waiting for a guy who will ride in on a big white horse, sweep you off your feet.

 

Disney movies should be banned.

[amkxoxo]

I feel like I did show interest and did make it a point to try and ask them out. Most recently, I asked one of the guy if he would like to meet in person. He said "most definitely" and then he told me how he would see if he could get a day off from work to drive and spend some time with me. I found this very positive. A day off from work shows good effort. He told me he would have to check with his work. And then he came out and told me he was in the process of moving to a new place and also a new job. We kept talking, but no other mentions of plans was ever made. He did say he may have a day or two in between jobs to have some time off. I encouraged it. He has since not really made contact with me anymore. When I text him, he does text me, but it just drops off.

 

I mentioned hanging out to another one of the guys. He also said he would like to meet me. But no plan was ever made. I slowly was going to stop talking to him, but to my surprise he keeps texting me and asking all about me etc...

 

The last most recent guy, asked if I would like to go grab a coffee or lunch sometime, pretty quickly. I was immediately happy that he wanted to meet me soon. But then he never made a plan with me when I told him I would love to. I tell him about this live music show that happens every week for a month. He seems excited about it and mentions that we should go together. I tell him we should, but again, no one talks about date and time to make a plans. He has a boat, and he's telling me about this past weekend and how fun it was. I am enthusiastic about it too, and he tells me I definitely need to come with him another weekend. I tell him that would be really fun, and I mention that we still have to do our lunch or coffee too. He agrees, but again no plan is made. He mentioned how he works second shift 3:30-11:30 PM. I tell him that I work the regular old 9-5 job. But I tell him his hours don't bother me and we can work around them. He tells me how that makes him feel more relieved, because he knows his hours stink and some people might not be okay with it. But again, we have made no plans. He sent me pictures of his fourth of july and I sent him pictures of the beach I was on, and my pale as ever legs. He thought it was real funny, but again, not plans yet.

 

Ugh, this stinks :/

[salparadise]

The last most recent guy, asked if I would like to go grab a coffee or lunch sometime, pretty quickly. I was immediately happy that he wanted to meet me soon. But then he never made a plan with me when I told him I would love to.

 

Well, there's no accounting for people's behavior. I'd either forget it and move on or name a time and place and try to make it happen. I know women want guys to initiate and make plans and show effort and all of that... but it's often weird on the other side as well. Women are bad about agreeing to meet and then cancelling or even no-showing (although I haven't personally experienced it much).

 

If I were you, I'd state in the profile that you're only using the site to arrange dates and are not interested in any more messaging than it takes to accomplish that (maybe with a softer tone).

 

Let me tell you how it went with my previous girlfriend. She was incognito on okc and liked my profile, which allowed me to see her and respond to the like. I asked her to meet in the first, brief message. She responded affirmatively. We exchanged a few more to arrange a time and place. After that, no more messages until the day we had agreed to meet. I sent a message to confirm and included my phone number. She reciprocated. It was a good date, but we still only texted to set up the next two dates. It was the third date (an all-day date) that we really fell for each other. After that we texted every day, but usually just a few plus always to say goodnight at bedtime.

 

I don't know why these guys aren't following through, but I'd guess it's because they're cultivating opportunities with multiple women concurrently and you haven't made it to the top of the list (if you're going for the hot guys). Either that or they're too timid to actually go on a date. It seems really strange, because in my mind the whole point is to meet in person and make it real.

 

I have messaged women and moved on if they seemed to have low interest or had problems scheduling... but that doesn't seem to be you. My advice would be to minimize texting, emphasize meeting, and don't be invested before meeting.

 

I have gone out with several women who had scheduling issues initially but took the initiative to set something up after that. If they're not meeting me half way it fizzles. I won't keep asking if I get excuses; it's up to them at that point. I'd encourage you to consider it a mostly gender neutral endeavor, until you've met in person. Sorry I don't have a definitive solution.

[Ieris]

@amkxoxo ~ Hmm.. I know not everyone is into mind games but I feel you make it too easy for them.. you're not a challenge, maybe even predictable so they feel they don't have to chase you. I'm not saying that it is wrong because it works very well if you're dealing with mature, no BS type of people but most of the time you'll be dealing with idiots where you have to treat them mean to keep them keen. Don't waste your time catching those because they're not worth keeping anyway, unless you enjoy playing catch and release.

 

Don't be so accommodating, don't fit your time around their schedule or they'll think you have nothing better to do with your life and won't care about wasting your time. If they want to make plans, ask them where and when.. if they say I'll get back to you then say let me know by Friday night so you're not waiting endlessly.