Divorced and feeling lost

[pantriste]

Hi all.

 

I'm from Argentina so English is not my native language, please forgive my poor writing. I've been reading this forum for months and I would like to ask for your help or point of view.

 

We were married for 15 years and dating for 7, we met when we were teenagers, I was 16 and she was 15. Now we are 39 and 38. During those 22 years she was my only woman and I was the happiest man in the world because of that. We had 2 children. My second son died in 2010.

 

My wife had a romantic affair last year and she decided to left me for this man. The 1st of October she told me loved me and 3 weeks later she file for divorce. I was completely unaware my marriage was having a problem, things were a bit awkward but I thought she was just stressed.

 

It was not the first time she cheated on me. Nine years ago I found her sexting with a friend of mine. At that moment I decided to left her but she begged for my pardon and I forgave her. Big mistake.

 

Here, in Argentina, divorces can be filed by any spouse, no separation time is needed and are pretty quick when they are made by mutual agreement. Mine took just a month or less. "Mutual agreement" is the way we say "We will solve our differences outside the court" But they are not mutual in any way and the law always protects women. Affairs are not taken into account whatsoever.

 

When we divorced she blamed everything on me, she said I didn't respect her nor I treat her well or that she wasn't happy for a long time. I don't remember our marriage like that and nor does my son. We were not perfect but I always thought we were happy. We laughed a lot, we wen't out, money was not a problem, we had a house and a nice car too. But I seems nothing was enough for her.

 

I felt really guilty and ashamed until I realized many women do this when they separate.

 

So I've been alone (I dated a couple of women, nothing serious) for the past 7 months just wishing for her to return even though I know she won't.

She has rewritten her history in a way all her actions are justified and I'm the bad guy of the movie.

 

Now she hates me, she ignores me and only communicates with me using e-mail (I was the one who started doing this but because I was hurt) and only for giving me orders.

 

She knows I don't want her to come near me, not because I hate her on the contrary it makes me feel bad to have her near me knowing we cannot be together and she approaches really near everytime I go to get my boy.

 

I don't know what to do I feel completely lost.

[mikeylo]

Give it time and distance. Talk to her only when needed , for the child. You are not ready to date seriously yet.If you want for fun, be upfront about it to the women you go out with.

[preraph]

I'm sorry. It sounds like she kept her mouth shut over some problems she felt she had rather than have a confrontation with you about them when they happened. She was trying to keep the peace.

 

Also, I am so sorry you lost a son, and I want to just let you know that a lot of couple who lose a child end up divorcing. It's various reasons, but one reason is just the constant reminder and sometimes there is some silent blame as well depending what happened. So it's not unusual for couples who lose a child to break up and in that case, I look upon it as just having to "start over" in an effort to survive the ordeal, because the whole family is affected and each member of the family is overwhelmed with pain, and sometimes every member of the family finds it hard or impossible to also take on the others' pain.

 

It's never easy adjusting to a divorce, and being cheated on is so hurtful. She was wrong for doing that under any circumstances, especially with a friend. I'm afraid she has just sort of lost her way and isn't using the best judgment, because like you said, she was probably stressed.

 

I think minimum contact is best too. It's hard because you still share a child. I hope you find your way back to happiness soon.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Pantriste, it is sad that your wife treated you so poorly. After 22 years together one would hope that you had a settled marriage not one where your wife enjoyed a happy and generally contented marriage but then upped and left you because she found someone who tickled her fancy. The fact is that in the affair fog she saw the whole world and her lover through rose coloured glasses. Now that she is married to him, much of that fog would have lifted and depending on the kind of life the new husband is able to provide her, real life will hit her in the face and she will yearn for the life she had with you. I can bet my bottom dollar that this union will not last very long and you may find her at your door sooner rather than later. You had better be prepared to burn all your bridges if there are still any left standing to avoid getting entangled with her again. From the way you write apparently you still have a soft spot for her do do not fall into her trap. She will cheat on you again if you take her back.

 

In the mean time, take up an interesting hobby and make a set of new friends so that you can move around in a different circle as compared to the one when you were married to her. You are about 8 or 9 months out from your divorce so you can start dating again. After all what have you got to lose. However, choose your dates carefully. Guess that is all the advice I can offer at present. Warm wishes.

[Southern Sun]

I am really sorry. It does seem that people are more and more likely these days to think that 'feelings' should govern such decisions. If a person suddenly feels attracted to someone else, we assume it means something. If a person suddenly feels dissatisfied in life, we assume it means something. Actually, we assume it means something is wrong with our lives and seek to fix it, rather than 1) realize those feelings are normal; and 2) grasp that it means we should do something about our contentment WITHIN and growth and happiness and rather than seek to change our surroundings all the time. We just don't tend to value what we already have.

 

Because of this, your ex-wife will THINK she is happy now, but will fall into this pattern again...because she is changing her external surroundings and not doing anything about the inside of her.

 

I am sorry that her self-centeredness has caused you pain and the loss of your family. Your loneliness is totally normal but it will ease as you see that it is far more her loss than yours.

 

I hope that you can begin to focus on your own contentment and perhaps find happiness where you are. Who knows what you will draw into your own life. And I hope it is all good.

[pantriste]

Hi Pantriste, it is sad that your wife treated you so poorly. After 22 years together one would hope that you had a settled marriage not one where your wife enjoyed a happy and generally contented marriage but then upped and left you because she found someone who tickled her fancy. The fact is that in the affair fog she saw the whole world and her lover through rose coloured glasses. Now that she is married to him, much of that fog would have lifted and depending on the kind of life the new husband is able to provide her, real life will hit her in the face and she will yearn for the life she had with you. I can bet my bottom dollar that this union will not last very long and you may find her at your door sooner rather than later. You had better be prepared to burn all your bridges if there are still any left standing to avoid getting entangled with her again. From the way you write apparently you still have a soft spot for her do do not fall into her trap. She will cheat on you again if you take her back.

 

In the mean time, take up an interesting hobby and make a set of new friends so that you can move around in a different circle as compared to the one when you were married to her. You are about 8 or 9 months out from your divorce so you can start dating again. After all what have you got to lose. However, choose your dates carefully. Guess that is all the advice I can offer at present. Warm wishes.

 

 

Thank you for your words.

 

She is not married to this person neither living with him. I know she in love with the other/new guy (or whatever should I call him) since she told me so when I confronted her.

 

I do realize she is living a teenager fantasy. I suppose I became part of her rutine which she got tired of. He offered new sensations but those will become rutinary anytime soon.

 

Her financial situation is not as well as when we were married and her new partner will have to deal with a teenage boy. To all this add that she is a cheater and he has no moral values since he was dating a married woman. If a person truely loves you he won't permit you to abandon your family, that's not love, that's egoism.

 

Believe me, she is with the one she wants but she is not any better.

 

Some people say there is a huge probability of she comming back to me but I sincerely don't see it. I think she feels relief because of leaving me, in her mind I'm the cause of all her problems.

 

Anyway I don't want her back, I want to forget her. I cannot return with the one who cheated on me twice, broke a family and left me but even knowing all of that I'm in pain and heartbroken.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Pantriste, just take care of yourself now. What arrangement do you have for sharing custody of your son? Also how old is he? If he is old enough to comprehend what has happened, what does he feel towards his mother? Warm wishes.

[pantriste]

I kept the house since I bought it before we got married and my son stays with me every other day. We share custody.

 

I ex wife asked for more money for me to be able to have my son half of the time.

 

She is renting an apartment in the same neighborhood. I pay for alimony religiously every month.

 

My son is 12 and he doesn't know why we got divorced. I didn't tell him and I don't know if I should. He loves his mother as any child should. He knows it was his mother's desire to divorce and not mine. He doesn't understand, he said to me once, when I told him every marriage has its problems, "your marriage was the best". Those were his own words.

 

He is suffering too and that's in part why I fantasize with reconciliation. My ex wife not only took my life project away from me but my life partner and our family too.

 

She had everything most women want and she throw it all away for a fantasy with an inmoral man.

 

Sorry for the rant, my life is as sad as a tango