GF Vacation to Italy - How to Control My Jealousy?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

A little backstory. We were college sweethearts 20+ years ago. Got in bad marriages, reconnected recently and now both going thru divorces. We've been very serious and we want to spend rest of our lives together.

 

 

She is a very attractive 43 year old. She teaches yoga and has an incredible body plus she has a certain enhancement guys like. She has been asked out by 20-something aged guys. She turns heads when we go out.

 

 

Well one of her yoga students asked her to go to Italy for her corporate job and some of this lady's co-workers who live in Italy are going to show them around. This lady is married and a couple months pregnant. My gf said the lady didn't invite her H bc he is stick in the mud and she would have more fun with my gf. She asked my opinion if she should go and I said it is great opportunity but that we could go there in a couple years. She has decided to go. I do get jealous but want her to have fun. I trust her 1000% not to do anything.

 

 

Well it now comes out that a couple of the lady's co-workers who are guys invited them to spend the weekend at a sea side villa. I assume just the 4 of them. Now her friend is married and pregnant and her co workers won't be trying to get her into bed but I imagine these guys are going to be trying to get my gf into bed the whole time. I know my gf won't do anything. Her friend is early 30s so I am guessing these guys are around the same age. I am 45 for reference. But she does have flirty nature even tho she doesn't realize it and she also dresses provocatively to show off her assets. It makes me so jealous these guys are going to be staying with her and unless they are gay, will be trying to score with her.

 

 

Do I put my foot down about saying no to the seaside villa invite? I have a feeling it is already part of the travel arrangements so they would have to figure something else out.

[SevenCity]

Jealousy is a self fulfilling prophecy. If your gf is gonna cheat she's gonna cheat. Nothing you can do.

 

Is that what you want? I've seen it time and time again. Guys think they can control women and put their foot down. It has the opposite effect.

 

If you try to control her you will cause the very thing you fear - she will leave you for another man. Jealousy is insecurity and very unattractive. You have to love in such a way that she feels free. And that will make her love you more.

 

So just keep your mouth shut and don't push her away. She's got guys falling all over her and has a great body. Do you think she wants a guy who tells her what she can and cannot do or a guy who tries to treat her like a parent would treat a child? Or a man who is confident that bough to know he is her best option?

 

Te her to have a great time and that you love her and look forward to ravishing her when she gets back.

 

Again, you can only push her away acting the way you are acting. I don't think that's what you want.

[d0nnivain]

Put your foot down? You don't have a leg to stand on here. First if she's still going through a divorce, she's still married. You are at best her BF, not her husband, not her father & not her jailer. She's free to vacation wherever she likes with whomever she pleases. If you don't' like her choices break up with her but don't try to control her.

 

 

If these men are co workers, they can easily flirt with her & hook up with her at home.

 

 

Bottom line, you trust her or you don't

[Wookin Pa Nub]

7 City

 

 

I do fear that I might push her away if I try to control her. She can be independent.

 

 

But I struggle with is where is the line a committed partner cannot cross? Would you let your partner go away for the weekend and stay with the opposite sex and that you did not know them? That is crossing the line in my book. It certainly gives the wrong appearance of how committed she is.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

 

If these men are co workers, they can easily flirt with her & hook up with her at home.

 

 

Bottom line, you trust her or you don't

 

They are not my gf's co workers. They are co workers of the girl who invited my gf. This friend works for a Fortune 100 international company. I imagine these guys are alpha males to the core since that is probably a requirement at that company.

 

 

I do trust her but I don't like the situation. So I guess you'd let your partner have a weekend away with the opposite sex?

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't be crazy about it & I would express my opinion / share my fears but I wouldn't try to tell him what he could & could not do.

 

 

Before I met my now husband I had a planed a summer vacation trip with a large group of friends, of both genders. We had done this in the past . . . a lot of people sleeping in a relatively small space but all singles got their own beds or shared with a same sex friend. I was "assigned" the queen pull out sofa bed with a childhood female friend. These trips were never about hankey pankey -- just beach, a few drinks & fun. This trip had been planned for a while before I met DH but occurred 3 weeks after I met him. I went. He didn't say one word. Had he attempted to tell me I couldn't go, I would have dumped him in a heart beat.

 

 

I had also planned a New Years' Eve cruise sharing a cabin with a female friend. Other male friends were coming in their own cabins, not to mention all the other people who would be on the sailing. Over the summer as I got to know DH, I didn't mention the cruise because it was a long way away & I had no reason to know we'd still be together. By about October I realized the relationship was going some where. By then I couldn't get out of the cruise but the vessel was also sold out so DH could not come. He said he understood; he was envious of the men who'd see me in a bikini & was sorry he wouldn't get to kiss me at midnight but I went on the cruise. We spoke once or twice while I was away. I came home. We carried on & eventually got married.

 

 

If she's an honorable person this trip is about Italy not cheating on you. Do discuss your concerns about these guys' behaviors & how she'll handle it but be confident in her feelings for you. Do be vigilant. Watch for signs of infidelity but have enough confidence to show you trust her.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

d0nnivain

 

 

She went on cruise with younger wild cousin and I told her I trust her and have fun. This cruise was planned before we got together. It was during spring break week too.

 

 

I do trust her. I know she won't do anything. Its the fact that she's is going to be staying with strange guys. Also the fact that we have missed out on so much travel together and we both said how much we want to travel together. Part of me thinks it is a tad disrespectful to me to consider staying with strange men. I would never in a million years consider that if roles were reversed.

 

I did express my concerns but she never said what she was going to do about the weekend stay at the villa. She reassured me that she is one girl I don't need to worry about cheating. I believe her.

[JuneL]

OP: Do you think part of the reason you're insecure is that both of you cheated on your spouses to be together?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

OP: Do you think part of the reason you're insecure is that both of you cheated on your spouses to be together?

 

 

 

No I don't. She asked for divorce before we even reconnected. Her marriage was long over in her mind.

 

 

I've always been a little insecure. Probably goes back to college dating years.

 

 

Moreso I admit I like control. Not controlling her every move but not being able to control the situation with her across the globe and guys hitting on her constantly. The thought of guys hitting on her drives me crazy.

[SevenCity]

7 City

 

 

I do fear that I might push her away if I try to control her. She can be independent.

 

 

But I struggle with is where is the line a committed partner cannot cross? Would you let your partner go away for the weekend and stay with the opposite sex and that you did not know them? That is crossing the line in my book. It certainly gives the wrong appearance of how committed she is.

 

You can let her know how you feel about it. It it's her decision on how to proceed.

 

If you feel she is crossing a line then you end things. You can't tell her what to do or not do.

 

But I feel like you are being irrational as you trust her but get jealous of guys looking. If you get a Ferrari people are gonna look. That's reality.

 

Personally I would not be ok if they are sharing a room (not sure if that is the case). I wouldn't tell her what to do - I would just end things as she crossed my boundaries.

[central]

If you actually do trust her, then just trust her. At most, I think you can tell her that you're a little uncomfortable with the villa trip with other men, but you trust that nothing will happen, and that she'll tell you all about it when she returns. Then shut up and leave it alone.

[Poutrew]

Ask her if the roles were reversed how would she feel about you staying with some sweet, young, honeys alone on a pleasure cruise ship without her? If she gets all noble on you and says she wouldn't have a problem with it, then do it. Remember, a healthy relationship is based on equality. Right now, she is in the driver's seat, having pulled this stunt on you twice, and relying on your nobility, and fear of being accused of being 'controlling', so she could have her way. If you do nothing, this is just going to be a prelude of your future. Eventually, she will be going on GNO's with her single friends, and taking a 10 day girls - only cruise to the Cayman Islands while assuring you that no one is touching her hot bod but you. You giving her a taste of her own medicine will let her know that you are not a push over, and she needs to respect you, but in a loving, non-argumentative way. DONT be the guy that she reminds to 'feed the pets, change the oil on the car, and pay the bills on time', while she is heading out the door for her latest 'adventure'.

[smackie9]

Bottom line....it's not appropriate. Just sitting here thinking.... if my husband did the same thing, I would be putting my foot down. And I know he would feel the same way if the tables were turned. I would never do such a thing even if we were just dating.....all girls yes, do it about once a year, but never have there been guys ever involved. We might go to a couple of clubs, but seriously....sharing a villa with two strange guys? NOT.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Ask her if the roles were reversed how would she feel about you staying with some sweet, young, honeys alone on a pleasure cruise ship without her? If she gets all noble on you and says she wouldn't have a problem with it, then do it. Remember, a healthy relationship is based on equality.

 

 

Funny you mention that. She told me Friday she decided to go to Italy via text. We were together Saturday and I said I might go to all inclusive in cancun by myself. Mostly just to gauge her reaction. She didn't get upset but kept making comments in joking manner the whole weekend about how my trip was going to be with her, not by myself. She admitted she gets jealous.

[Michelle ma Belle]

She has decided to go. I do get jealous but want her to have fun. I trust her 1000% not to do anything.

 

 

Well it now comes out that a couple of the lady's co-workers who are guys invited them to spend the weekend at a sea side villa. I assume just the 4 of them. Now her friend is married and pregnant and her co workers won't be trying to get her into bed but I imagine these guys are going to be trying to get my gf into bed the whole time. I know my gf won't do anything.

 

Do I put my foot down about saying no to the seaside villa invite? I have a feeling it is already part of the travel arrangements so they would have to figure something else out.

 

 

Hmm...you don't sound like someone who trusts his girlfriend 1000% not to do something stupid.

 

Unless she's given you reason to worry you better find a way to snap out of it and check yourself.

 

Jealousy, especially when it causes you to 'put your foot down' on matters concerning her will almost assuredly land you a pink slip.

[SammySammy]

Can we really control who another person has sex with? Putting your foot down?

 

I'm thinking she'll be faithful if she decides to be faithful. If not, no amount of ... pouting ... or whatever will mean anything.

 

The only thing we really control is ourselves. If you don't trust her to control herself, then it might be a good idea to reconsider having a relationship with her.

 

Trying to force the issue will only bring frustration - for her and you.

[usa1ah]

This is a pretty messed up s test.

 

She is going on a trip to Italy with a female friend, no problem have fun. Then, o by the way we are going to have a romantic weekend at a villa with two of the female friends coworkers. Really, tell her to have fun and distance yourself from her. Just remember, her gf is not going with her H because he is a stick in the mud remember. And just because she is pregnant doesn't mean she won't cheat, no chance of getting pregnant you know. So if the three of them start to hook up, what is the chance your gf holds out.

 

Plan your trip to Cancun. Do you have a female friend at work you can invite, if so do so. Let her know that you made reservations for two and that you are taking a female coworker. Then follow through.

 

There is a serious lack of respect for the relationship the two of you have by her. She should have refused the weekend at the villa. If she is going to wine and dine the whole weekend with just these two men and her friend. She has no respect for you. It is no longer a matter of trust, it's shows no respect for you.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

USA1ah - I agree there's a certain respect you should have not to spend a weekend with strange guys. Some disagree that I am controlling by putting foot down and she can do what she wants but it comes down to respect.

[usa1ah]

It doesn't have to be putting ones foot down.

 

Simply say, I will never tell you what you can or can't do. But if you have so little respect for our relationship that you think it is ok to spend a weekend in a villa on your trip with your friend and her two coworkers. Then I will have to re-evaluate our relationship because I would never dream of doing that to you.

 

Like everyone knows including you. You can not tell her what to do. Be you can choose to be in a relationship with someone that can do this to you.

[usa1ah]

O and don't forget, because it never happens. What if the guys slip something in her drink and the next thing she knows is that she waking up naked in someone's bed. But nothing like this ever happens, right.

[Michelle ma Belle]

O and don't forget, because it never happens. What if the guys slip something in her drink and the next thing she knows is that she waking up naked in someone's bed. But nothing like this ever happens, right.

 

Lord have mercy. If you're going to go with that angle then perhaps she should NEVER go anywhere without her boyfriend by her side to chaperone her every move particularly where men will roam

 

It's incredible to me how you're both automatically jumping to conclusions and assuming that these men are complete cavemen out to bed the OP's girl - like she's their only option. Give me a break.

 

It's ITALY for heaven's sake! Gorgeous women are a dime a dozen in Italy and sex is easy if they really want it with women who want to give it up.

 

The OP admitted he's a jealous guy despite knowing 1000% his girl would never do anything stupid.

 

The problem here is his jealousy not her trip necessarily.

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Edited July 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[usa1ah]

Lord have mercy. If you're going to go with that angle then perhaps she should NEVER go anywhere without her boyfriend by her side to chaperone her every move particularly where men will roam

 

It's incredible to me how you're both automatically jumping to conclusions and assuming that these men are complete cavemen out to bed the OP's girl - like she's their only option. Give me a break.

 

It's ITALY for heaven's sake! Gorgeous women are a dime a dozen in Italy and sex is easy if they really want it with women who want to give it up.

 

I think you're trying to put lipstick on a pig and calling it a lack of respect.

 

The OP admitted he's a jealous guy despite knowing 1000% his girl would never do anything stupid.

 

The problem here is his jealousy not her trip necessarily.

 

 

Belle I have no problem with her going to Italy. Go have fun, can't wait for you to get home.

 

The problem is the weekend with the men. No one that I know would be ok with this. Well maybe the couple that play around might, but they always do things together, so they might not be ok going solo.

 

It is respecting the one you are with. Op's GF has already gone other places with out him and he was fine with it. He is just not ok with her spending a weekend with two guys she nor he knows.

[basil67]

Put your foot down? You don't have a leg to stand on here.

 

I see what you did there.

 

Wookin, unless you are in a traditional relationship where it's agreed that the man is the boss, DO NOT have the right to forbid a partner from doing anything. She is your partner, not your child.

 

You have the right to express an opinion. You have the right to walk away if you don't agree with what she's doing. But you do not have the right to make decisions on her freedom or otherwise control her.

 

I saw where you wrote that you were concerned that controlling her might push her away. Well, of course it will.

 

At this point in time, I don't think you have what it takes to date a good looking woman.

[SammySammy]

We don't control if another person respects us either. It only matters if she DECIDES to respect you.

 

Going through all of these emotional contortions to try to manipulate her into doing what you want or to get her back is childish and a waste of time.

 

Just watch what a person does, then decide if it is workable in your relationship. If not, move on.

 

You can't make a person be considerate, respectful, or faithful. Or anything else. That's not how life works.

[basil67]

Some disagree that I am controlling by putting foot down and she can do what she wants but it comes down to respect.

 

OK, I'm one of those who says that 'putting your foot down' is controlling. As is 'allowing' a partner to do a thing.

 

But perhaps you are using words in a different context to what I would. Could it be that you're not actually thinking of telling her that she can't do it and you're more aiming to say that you're uncomfortable with the situation?