GF Vacation to Italy - How to Control My Jealousy?

[frigginlost]

I am still not sure her decision is final yet. We traded some texts but then she had to go teach yoga. She is really torn. She wants to go, she doesn't want to disappoint friend, she spent a lot on airline ticket (non refundable) but she doesn't want to hurt me.

 

Had an ex-girlfriend who fed me that same line (non refundable, didn't want to hurt me, cancelled, then changed her mind and went).

 

Found out 6 months later she hooked up with someone...

 

I'm all for a girls vacation with girlfriends, but no way would I be okay with a villa with two guys.

 

Something is not adding up. In my case, the indecision in herself about going was caused by her trying to decide if it was worth losing me over. In the end, it was, and she got to wear a cheater badge for the rest of her life. Great deal!

Edited July 7, 2017 by frigginlost

[lolablue17]

It seems odd that she's not comfortable with changing the villa arrangements, but feel comfortable to cancel and disappointing her friend. In this case communication between friends can solve it all.

 

She just has to say "My BF doesn't want me to sleep in a villa with other guys, so if I'm going, we have to change that". Case closed, problem solved. Why going round and round in circles?

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. She wanted to go to Italy with her female friend which is fine. When she learned that men she didn't know would be at the villa she expressed concerns. If the friend made it an all or nothing proposition, your GF picked you.

 

 

Try believing that she's an honorable person.

[SevenCity]

Had an ex-girlfriend who fed me that same line (non refundable, didn't want to hurt me, cancelled, then changed her mind and went).

 

Found out 6 months later she hooked up with someone...

 

I'm all for a girls vacation with girlfriends, but no way would I be okay with a villa with two guys.

 

Something is not adding up. In my case, the indecision in herself about going was caused by her trying to decide if it was worth losing me over. In the end, it was, and she got to wear a cheater badge for the rest of her life. Great deal!

 

True. A girl who really loves and respects you would not even entertain the idea of spending a weekend in a villa with two guys.

 

I bet the "stick in the mud" husband doesn't know about the guys at all. It speaks volumes to the pregnant friend who thinks it's acceptable and also speaks to your gf thinking that the behavior is ok. Just because she is pregnant doesn't mean she won't cheat.

 

If the roles were reversed how would your gf feel about you spending a weekend with a married guy who invited two women who want to have sex along with you? I bet she wouldn't like it one bit.

 

Something seems fishy with this...

[smackie9]

I had the same thought.....I feel this is all about the friend and her intentions of having a hookup, but wanted it to look like a girls vaycay. I bet if the villa thing came up before tickets were bought, the GF would have np saying no. Her friend duped her.

[Space Ritual]

Update:

I told her yesterday that her staying in seaside Villa with two guys is crossingthe line and I'd be hurt. She said she had already told her friend that she "prefers" not to do that and she would be uncomfortable. She then said she would talk to her friend and get it worked out. I said good.

 

 

A few hours later she said she was "rethinking" the Italy trip. Said she didn't want me to worry and be stressed the whole time. Again I am ok with her going. I want her to go for experience. My guess on her"rethinking" trip is the villa weekend is part of the package that she can't rearrange so she decided to cancel since I said that it crosses a line.

 

 

So after some back and forth last night she decided not to go. It was her decision. She called friend and friend was very upset. She said she hates disappointing friend but doesn't want to hurt me.

 

 

This morning I said I was feeling guilty that I was the reason for her not being able to go to Italy and that I want her to be comfortable with decision.

 

 

Now I read Italianjob's comment above about Italian men being persistent about getting sex and I wish I didn't give her out to change her mind by saying I felt guilty about it.

 

Well done!

 

I commend you for taking action. Even if you don't feel like you did anything other than muddy the waters, you have demonstrated to your GF that there are potential dealbreakers in your relationship.

 

BUT..and it's a big BUT...

 

Since you have taken a stance, be prepared to back it up. And in the coming days you may get browbeaten with cajoling, bargaining, etc from your GF.

It will be normal for this to happen, but allow her to sink or swim on the merit of her choice to not go. If she follows through and cancels that is fine, if she doesn't, that's fine too.

 

Again, do not be surprised if she or her "friend" tries to give you the "Lyndon Johnson Treatment" when it comes to this trip, In fact I'd be expecting it very soon.

 

Stay strong and stand firm

[Space Ritual]

Update:This morning I said I was feeling guilty that I was the reason for her not being able to go to Italy and that I want her to be comfortable with decision

 

Do not even go there. THAT, Wookin , is an invitation to cajolement of LBJ proportions. Do not initiate any more discussions on the subject. Just be aware of your GF's actions in the coming days and if they match up with her words to you

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Update 2 - It Keeps Getting Better

 

 

So her friend was terribly upset when my gf cancelled. They met for lunch today. Turns out her friend who is a couple months pregnant is contemplating divorce. Her husband is lazy and doesn't work. Sleeps all day. She has this corporate job and works a lot.

 

 

While she was in Italy last time about a month ago for work she met an Italian guy working on project with her. They went out for dinner and they kissed. They have been texting since. She wants to go back to Italy to see him and see if there's something to her relationship with this guy.

 

 

She told husband it is work trip. Supposedly my gf knew nothing about her friend's plan. My gf has decided she is not going.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Do not even go there. THAT, Wookin , is an invitation to cajolement of LBJ proportions. Do not initiate any more discussions on the subject. Just be aware of your GF's actions in the coming days and if they match up with her words to you

 

 

 

What is LBJ Treatment?

[d0nnivain]

Update 2 - It Keeps Getting Better

 

My gf has decided she is not going.

 

 

See your GF has appropriate boundaries. She may have questionable friends but she has integrity.

 

 

Be happy & calm down.

 

 

Do something to make it up to her. At least take her out for Italian during the time she would have been away.

[frigginlost]

Update 2 - It Keeps Getting Better

 

 

So her friend was terribly upset when my gf cancelled. They met for lunch today. Turns out her friend who is a couple months pregnant is contemplating divorce. Her husband is lazy and doesn't work. Sleeps all day. She has this corporate job and works a lot.

 

 

While she was in Italy last time about a month ago for work she met an Italian guy working on project with her. They went out for dinner and they kissed. They have been texting since. She wants to go back to Italy to see him and see if there's something to her relationship with this guy.

 

 

She told husband it is work trip. Supposedly my gf knew nothing about her friend's plan. My gf has decided she is not going.

 

The girl seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Good for her.

 

Now things are lining up...

[Wookin Pa Nub]

See your GF has appropriate boundaries. She may have questionable friends but she has integrity.

 

 

Be happy & calm down.

 

 

Do something to make it up to her. At least take her out for Italian during the time she would have been away.

 

 

 

She still asked me if I don't want her to go after all this came out. She said it could be interesting.

 

 

I am lucky though to have her.

[Space Ritual]

What is LBJ Treatment?

 

A key element of LBJ's leadership was this famous "Johnson treatment," in which he would hypothetically "pop one's bubble" to demand their attention. No president has been so celebrated for his powers of persuasion in face-to-face confrontations than Lyndon Johnson has.

 

He would flatter, cajole, and browbeat people into doing what he wanted. It could last anywhere from 2 minutes to 4 hours and would occur when a legislator was within earshot of him. It was mind numbing by all accounts and one of the crucial tools he used to sucker colleagues into continuing the war in Vietnam.

 

Seems by your last update that the "Friend" did in fact have nefarious reasons for this trip. So stick to your guns. If your GF only discovered these revelations in the past 24 hours, then good on her for making the decision...however if she knew of any ulterior motives at all and was willing to go along with it until you put the hammer down, then it would be cause for concern.

 

Based on not only this thread, but from my 8 years reading and replying to threads at LS, and in my own day to day experience over the course of my life,it is my belief that in fact she probably did know beforehand.

 

But only time will tell. At present it looks like she made he right call. But that' s always subject to change.

[usa1ah]

She still asked me if I don't want her to go after all this came out. She said it could be interesting.

 

 

I am lucky though to have her.

 

 

 

 

So she wanted your GF along to have a winggirl. I have no doubt that the friend and two guys would have put a lot of pressure on your GF to play around.

 

It also sounds like she has a sense of humor with the "it could be interesting".

[Wookin Pa Nub]

 

Based on not only this thread, but from my 8 years reading and replying to threads at LS, and in my own day to day experience over the course of my life,it is my belief that in fact she probably did know beforehand.

 

But only time will tell. At present it looks like she made he right call. But that' s always subject to change.

 

GF told me it was work trip for friend and that her co-workers would be showing them around town. Then a couple days later it was seaside villa with 2 guys for the weekend. Now the "Italy work trip" lie by friend comes out today.

 

 

I do believe my gf didn't know about this and she told me about villa weekend. She could have kept that quiet.

 

 

But I am a skeptical guy by nature and these items bug me:

 

 

1. I asked when her friend was going to let her in on her plan that it was a romantic trip. My gf just said "good question" then started talking about something else.

 

 

2. When my gf told me the work trip was a lie, my gf said her friend lied bc she asked my gf to go on trip when her H was in the room. That makes no sense to me. Why would her friend make arrangements for the trip with H around?

[smackie9]

This guy get her pregnant? Me seems to think so..............if not she will say it's his anyways. poor sap.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

So she wanted your GF along to have a winggirl. I have no doubt that the friend and two guys would have put a lot of pressure on your GF to play around.

 

It also sounds like she has a sense of humor with the "it could be interesting".

 

So I looked on friends FB page and found this Italian guy. I knew his first name. I looked at his FB page. He is young good looking guy and lots of picture of him and crew partying and what not. I am sure they would be going all out to score with some hot American girls.

[Space Ritual]

But I am a skeptical guy by nature and these items bug me:

 

 

1. I asked when her friend was going to let her in on her plan that it was a romantic trip. My gf just said "good question" then started talking about something else.

 

 

2. When my gf told me the work trip was a lie, my gf said her friend lied bc she asked my gf to go on trip when her H was in the room. That makes no sense to me. Why would her friend make arrangements for the trip with H around?

 

Yikes,

 

I am sorry Wookin, you are right. Those statements make ZERO sense. Right now for the present, I would play my cards close to the vest. Make no mention of the trip for a few days. See if the GF brings it up and elaborates at all. Because those two statements have Bullschnitt written all over them. Let her talk about it ad nauseum and you will be able to glean a lot more by active listening.

 

I am sorry to be the proverbial turd in you punchbowl, but I don't think the trip is totally off....yet. Just my pessimism coming into play as many of us have seen a variation of this movie before, and we know how it ends.

 

You are 1 argument away from it being back on in Technicolor. So just sit back and if there is any rope, she will eventually hang herself with it, don't lead her to the gallows, she can do that all on her own by her actions in the near future.

[Space Ritual]

I am lucky though to have her.

 

"Debatable at best"...says the Turd in the Punchbowl.

[frigginlost]

Yikes,

 

I am sorry Wookin, you are right. Those statements make ZERO sense. Right now for the present, I would play my cards close to the vest. Make no mention of the trip for a few days. See if the GF brings it up and elaborates at all. Because those two statements have Bullschnitt written all over them. Let her talk about it ad nauseum and you will be able to glean a lot more by active listening.

 

I am sorry to be the proverbial turd in you punchbowl, but I don't think the trip is totally off....yet. Just my pessimism coming into play as many of us have seen a variation of this movie before, and we know how it ends.

 

You are 1 argument away from it being back on in Technicolor. So just sit back and if there is any rope, she will eventually hang herself with it, don't lead her to the gallows, she can do that all on her own by her actions in the near future.

 

 

Take heed in that statement OP. Space is dead on accurate with it. When my ex "canceled" the trip, she was fine for a few days, then she started picking fights. She decided to go on the trip, and I was fine with it. We know how it turned out. A girlfriend/spouse who is entertaining "having fun" knows no lengths in the amount of deception they will use. Those two points you brought up are indeed concerning. My ex had no issues in telling me that she was going to be staying with a girlfriend while away and that some of her girlfriends "friends" would probably be around.

 

I'm the type of guy who believes in "giving someone just enough rope to hang themselves with". 50 years of walking this earth will do that to you. I gave her the rope and as Space mentions, let her lead herself to the gallows...

[italianjob]

I wouldn't go as far as saying that she has good boudaries...

 

Someone with good boundaries wouldn't even consider a situation like the villa week end.

 

Her boundaries are far from good. The mere fact that she was willing to go on that kind of trip and that kind of weekend with someone she barely knows...

 

Let's hope she's just very naive... But if I were you I would keep my eyes open wide....

[Wookin Pa Nub]

 

I am sorry to be the proverbial turd in you punchbowl, but I don't think the trip is totally off....yet. Just my pessimism coming into play as many of us have seen a variation of this movie before, and we know how it ends.

 

You are 1 argument away from it being back on in Technicolor. So just sit back and if there is any rope, she will eventually hang herself with it, don't lead her to the gallows, she can do that all on her own by her actions in the near future.

 

I am keeping that in the back of my mind. My gf told me the friend has sent texts already asking her to reconsider. My gf has reassured me that she is not going now. I do worry about something coming up and her changing her mind.

 

 

I was very hesitant on her going knowing the situation about the villa. Now that it came out the whole trip was not for work but for her friend to see her secret man in Italy and seeing his FB page, it would be devastating to me if she changed her mind and went.

[italianjob]

I am keeping that in the back of my mind. My gf told me the friend has sent texts already asking her to reconsider. My gf has reassured me that she is not going now. I do worry about something coming up and her changing her mind.

 

 

I was very hesitant on her going knowing the situation about the villa. Now that it came out the whole trip was not for work but for her friend to see her secret man in Italy and seeing his FB page, it would be devastating to me if she changed her mind and went.

 

If your gf wants to be a party girl then you can decide if you want that kind of partner or not... Better to know now than some years, kids and a mortgage down the road...

[Space Ritual]

I am keeping that in the back of my mind. My gf told me the friend has sent texts already asking her to reconsider. My gf has reassured me that she is not going now. I do worry about something coming up and her changing her mind.

 

 

I was very hesitant on her going knowing the situation about the villa. Now that it came out the whole trip was not for work but for her friend to see her secret man in Italy and seeing his FB page, it would be devastating to me if she changed her mind and went.

 

THAT is exactly why you need to zip your lip on the subject and let her sink or swim on her own merits.

 

She may or may not realize the final decision she makes on this issue is going to be a decision that decides the course of your relationship.

 

This is why it is important you let her figure this out on her own. If she thinks you will cave eventually, you have a long weekend ahead of you.

 

Again, I know it will be difficult at best to stay silent about the trip, being it is the 800 pound elephant in the room, but in order for her to put her money where her mouth is,or swing like Field Marshall Jodl at Nuremberg,you need to afford her the opportunity to do so.

 

You'll pretty much know within the next few days how this is going to play out. I still think she is still is going to try to talk you into letting her go. It could be the unrefundable ticket, "fear" for the other friend's safety...etc.

 

In fact I would go so far as to say that the REAL reason for the Trip is to tell the guy he knocked her up. I don't think her husband is the father of this child. You don't throw caution to the wind and risk your marriage at 2 months pregnant and go halfway around the world to hookup unless it is for really good reason.

[SevenCity]

She still asked me if I don't want her to go after all this came out. She said it could be interesting.

 

I am lucky though to have her.

 

A woman with good boundaries (or just a good woman) would not find a friend cheating on her husband "interesting". Nor would she be cool with being made an accomplice to the activities.

 

A good woman would be appalled and want to distance herself from the friend, not go on a trip with her. It's one thing to find it interesting from a distance, but being an active participant to the deception is a really, really bad sign.

 

She has offered more information than she had to which is good, but if she ends up going she would likely cheat.

 

As was stated, just keep dolling out the rope....

 

Side question: has your gf cheated on a bf / husband in the past? Might be a good time to find out. You can start a convo in a non accusatory manner asking about the affair and if she's ever had one. "No big deal if you did" (yeah, right).