GF Vacation to Italy - How to Control My Jealousy?

[Try]

I am perplexed why my gf is not more incensed at this friend for what she pulled. It makes me wonder if my gf knew the plan all along and although she would not have cheated, did not see anything wrong with it until I objected.

In her texts, she even said "I'm not mad at friend's name, I am just confused why she didn't tell me more". Much later I said her friend was putting her in uncomfortable position being in that villa with another guy she did say "that does make me a bit angry".

Your GF's response indicates that she is not bothered by this friend's intent to cheat on her husband. It also shows that had you not objected, your GF would have gone to the Villa and been a willing accomplice to the affair, which would have included your GF being required to lie by omission when the "stick in the mud" husband asked how the work related trip went. Had the husband ever later learned the truth, he would have rightfully consider your GF to be a toxic friend. BTW, the friend's willingness to set your GF up with her lover's friend despite knowing about you, and with you knowing that this friend would obviously cover for your GF should your GF ever cheat on you, shows that this friend is not a friend of your relationship, and is in fact a toxic friend. If your GF does not give this friend up on her own, you should consider it a gigantic red flag.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

BTW, the friend's willingness to set your GF up with her lover's friend despite knowing about you, and with you knowing that this friend would obviously cover for your GF should your GF ever cheat on you, shows that this friend is not a friend of your relationship, and is in fact a toxic friend. If your GF does not give this friend up on her own, you should consider it a gigantic red flag.

 

I mentioned that and she said this girl is nice girl and just was going to extremes to connect with this Italian guy and that she wasn't trying to set my gf up.

 

 

My gf said she doesn't know this girl that well and they only talk 1X a month usually. I think my gf got caught up in the excitement of the Italy trip bc its on her bucket list. I think this friend asked my gf even though they werent that close bc my gf is going thru divorce and this friend doesn't have any other single friends. Just a guess.

 

 

I don't want to keep pressing her but maybe more info will trickle out.

[smackie9]

This lady is a narcissist/ master manipulator. I believe your GF was carefully selected, befriended by this woman, lured her in with her charm so she can set her plan in motion. This woman has no intention of being real friends with her, she is being used. Your GF needs to see that and abandon this friendship.

 

The only thing you need to worry about is how easily your GF can be victimized because of her naive/trusting nature.

[Try]

I mentioned that and she said this girl is nice girl and just was going to extremes to connect with this Italian guy and that she wasn't trying to set my gf up.

"Nice girls" do not go "to extremes to connect with" other men for sex filled vacation behind their husband's back. Also, cheaters hide their affairs from their "nice girl" friends, so this friend does not believe your GF to be a nice girl. Additionally, even if you believe that the friend "wasn't trying to" set up your GF with the other man at the villa, unless you also somehow believe that the friend would not have been supportive of your GF cheating on you with this other guy during the trip, the friend would still be categorized as a toxic friend, and not as a friend of your relationship with your GF. Again, there are red flags everywhere in your GF's attitude. You have been warned. Good luck to you.

[Poutrew]

Wookin, if you want to cut through all the BS and find out the truth concerning your girlfriend, you really need to somehow have a talk with her soon to be ex-husband. Even if half the things he says about her are lies, the parts you should be concerned about are the other half... I think you are making a mistake to trust this girl too much. I don't think you are the reason she decided not to go. She got cold feet, and you are simply the rationalization. I think the real reason is that if the divorcing husband got wind of the Italian whore party, he would probably use it to sweeten his side of the divorce settlement, so she decided to put things off until she is legally free and unencumbered. If what I am saying is true, then God help you should you decide to marry her...

[Space Ritual]

My gf said she doesn't know this girl that well and they only talk 1X a month usually.

 

Which makes it all the more suspicious in the first place.

 

Why go with someone you don't know very well to Europe if you really have no knowledge that you are an unwitting dupe in a coverup of an affair?

 

Unless of course you do, and the benefit of accompanying her is to get a Lifetime Movie of the Week fantasy fulfilled of getting banged by a rich hot guy in an Italian Seaside Villa with no strings attached while the boyfriend is back home and none the wiser?

 

I'm sorry to come back to this but seriously dude? Your GF is so full of crap her teeth are floating, Wookin. Based on that nugget of information I would not trust her as far as I could throw her.

 

Keep your ears open. It is painfully obvious this is not her first rodeo.

[Try]

Imagine the reaction if the sex of the players in this villa story were reversed.

 

Your boyfriend (BF) tells you that he is going with a married male friend (MF) on a work related trip to Italy instead of the MF's wife because the MF says that his wife is a no fun "stick in the mud". After the non-refundable tickets are purchased, the BF tells you that the 2 guys will be staying at a beachside villa with 2 attractive female coworkers (BTW: they go topless in Italy). When you ask questions, you later learn that it is not a business trip, but a planned trip for the MF to cheat on his wife with one of the attractive females. Even with this knowledge, your BF tells you that they are "not mad at" the MF, and tells you that the MF trying to rope him in on the cheating trip based on deliberate lies does not make him "a bit angry". Worse yet, your BF defends the cheating MF as a "nice" guy, and reasons that based on your BF's moral values, the deception was acceptable because the cheating friend "just was going to extremes to connect with this Italian" hottie that he wanted to bang so badly; as if wanting to cheat makes it OK to lie.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Imagine the reaction if the sex of the players in this villa story were reversed.

 

We had a brief follow up discussion last night. She said can we drop the Italian villa discussion now that she's not going? I agreed bc I don't want to harp on it. But I said I was very upset at this friend. She said "once the villa weekend was brought up, I didn't want her to go to Italy and why didn't I?" I said "would she want me staying there with 2 Italian ladies?" She said "no, point taken".

[road]

You guys are circling this like a kettle of vultures. OP's GF isn't the one lying, cheating on her husband, or planning a trip to meet her lover

 

OP, seems to me your GF is a bit of a pushover/people pleaser, which opens her up to being taken advantage of and easily manipulated. From this experience I hope you both realize how valuable communication is to your relationship.

 

I have seen this story countless times over the decades.

In scenarios as this one the OP's GF is always the wingman and

knows full well what the her GF/WW is up to.

 

Thing is no one here knows between each end does this GF fit.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I have seen this story countless times over the decades.

In scenarios as this one the OP's GF is always the wingman and

knows full well what the her GF/WW is up to.

 

Thing is no one here knows between each end does this GF fit.

 

This is what I am very curious about. My GF says it was work trip and she didn't know the friends marital issues, interest in Italian guy, etc. My GF all along said her friends co workers would be showing them around Florence. I thought it was above board.

 

 

Then all the stuff comes out. I am curious if my GF knew from day 1 that her friend had marital issues, had love interest in Italy and the villa was in the plan from the get go. I am not sure I will find out.

[usa1ah]

This is what I am very curious about. My GF says it was work trip and she didn't know the friends marital issues, interest in Italian guy, etc. My GF all along said her friends co workers would be showing them around Florence. I thought it was above board.

 

 

Then all the stuff comes out. I am curious if my GF knew from day 1 that her friend had marital issues, had love interest in Italy and the villa was in the plan from the get go. I am not sure I will find out.

 

Time to stop WPN. You got your point across and she agreed with you. Time to stop analyzing the situation.

 

You got her to agree about the villa by asking if she would want you there with two ladies, point taken. I still think she has a shady track record but this situation is over.

 

Start enjoying life again and take her somewhere nice so the two of you can make up.

 

Stop over analyzing this, it's over.

 

O, did I mention to stop analyzing this.

[road]

Time to stop WPN. You got your point across and she agreed with you. Time to stop analyzing the situation.

 

You got her to agree about the villa by asking if she would want you there with two ladies, point taken. I still think she has a shady track record but this situation is over.

 

Start enjoying life again and take her somewhere nice so the two of you can make up.

 

Stop over analyzing this, it's over.

 

O, did I mention to stop analyzing this.

 

WPN, I agree time to stop talking, but just be observant and

keep your eyes open. You established clear boundaries and

she is respecting them.

[Try]

She said "once the villa weekend was brought up, I didn't want her to go to Italy and why didn't I?" I said "would she want me staying there with 2 Italian ladies?" She said "no, point taken".

Wow, so even after all this info about the trip being a cover for her married friend to cheat with her lover at the villa, sometimes leaving her to spend one on one time with another guy in a beach setting where women go topless, she still asked you why you were not OK with it? She asked this hoping that you would not want to look jealous. You do know that in doing this, she was trying to establishing with you that she does not on her own respect the concepts associated with this as guidelines for her to follow in the future? That is also why she does not want to talk about it anymore.

[frigginlost]

Wow, so even after all this info about the trip being a cover for her married friend to cheat with her lover at the villa, sometimes leaving her to spend one on one time with another guy in a beach setting where women go topless, she still asked you why you were not OK with it? She asked this hoping that you would not want to look jealous. You do know that in doing this, she was trying to establishing with you that she does not on her own respect the concepts associated with this as guidelines for her to follow in the future? That is also why she does not want to talk about it anymore.

 

Agreed.

 

This isn't over...

 

Too many holes punched in the story. Wouldn't be surprised if resentment starts to creep in.

 

The fact that she is trying to rug-sweep the whole thing and is spinning his boundaries back on him is alarming. She should be pi$$ed that girlfriend of hers put her in that position. She's not. Personally and from experience I get the feeling she was testing the waters with the op and if he did not speak up, she was going to gladly head to Italy.

 

Op, keep your eyes open...

[Chi townD]

I think you are spot on. My gf even said she likes to please everyone. She hated disappointed this friend, who I guess isn't even that good of friend.

 

 

It made me very upset this friend lied to my gf about intent of trip. My gf spent a nice sum of money on the airline ticket.

 

 

My gf has been thru a lot with her divorce and she loves to travel. I think she got caught up in the excitement of traveling to Italy.

 

 

Well, then do something nice with her during the time she was supposed to go. Book a romantic getaway weekend at some Bed & Breakfast in some quaint little town. Take her shopping. Eat at some cool little Bistro's Doesn't have to be over the top expensive. Hell, Groupon always has getaway weekend deals to some places that are affordable.

 

Let her know that you appreciate what she did for you and your relationship. Make her feel special.

[Chi townD]

This is what I am very curious about. My GF says it was work trip and she didn't know the friends marital issues, interest in Italian guy, etc. My GF all along said her friends co workers would be showing them around Florence. I thought it was above board.

 

 

Then all the stuff comes out. I am curious if my GF knew from day 1 that her friend had marital issues, had love interest in Italy and the villa was in the plan from the get go. I am not sure I will find out.

 

To be honest, I would believe her. I mean, why would she question her friend when she knows that she's married AND she has a baby on the way with her husband. On the surface, that looks to be a stable relationship. Some would assume that everything would be fine.

[Space Ritual]

I am not sure I will find out.

 

You won't find out if you keep bringing it up.

 

You have been advised multiple times to just sit back and observe,and you seem unable to do that.

 

The only thing you are accomplishing is telegraphing to your GF that you don't really believe her. And while that is ok, you are doing yourself a disservice by wearing your heart on your sleeve about it.

 

It will only give her more ammunition to justify to herself that you are just a control freak and she will become more secretive.

 

The goal here is to not let the cat out of the bag. She already knows that her story, even with a couple of tweaks, is not going over very well.

Continuing the discussion will only make her clam up, and then your chance of actually getting answers will decline with each time you bring this up.

 

You are handing yourself your own rope by creating an environment where she may feel the need to contact her friend to get their stories straight in case you inquire of the friend. They already have advance warning and they are on the lookout .

 

Dude, you are showing her a Beta side of you that she will not find very appealing. People who are guilty of something foolish usually have more chance to expose themselves when they feel comfortable and in no danger of being caught, which is usually the exact time they make the misstep that sinks them.

 

Drop it for now and just observe.

[italianjob]

Well, then do something nice with her during the time she was supposed to go. Book a romantic getaway weekend at some Bed & Breakfast in some quaint little town. Take her shopping. Eat at some cool little Bistro's Doesn't have to be over the top expensive. Hell, Groupon always has getaway weekend deals to some places that are affordable.

 

Let her know that you appreciate what she did for you and your relationship. Make her feel special.

 

And what exactly did she do?

 

You really think she should get a prize for not cheating on him?

 

To be honest, I would believe her. I mean, why would she question her friend when she knows that she's married AND she has a baby on the way with her husband. On the surface, that looks to be a stable relationship. Some would assume that everything would be fine.

 

Somebody would accept a trip overseas with a weekend with some stranger of the opposite sex and assume that every thing would be fine? No one would assume that, come on...

[SevenCity]

As much as you say you trust her, all the posting by the OP makes me feel otherwise.

 

I learned in the past if you don't trust someone there is a reason for it and you should bail on the RL.

 

Not counting all the inconsistencies, your gut is screaming at you. You seem like a reasonable guy and are not making this up in your head. Even if you get past this there will be something else down the line. It hardly seems worth putting yourself through this.

[JuneL]

OP: You left your wife and broke up your family a few months ago to be with this former ex-girlfriend of yours, and there's all this drama already. You admitted that your gf likes to flirt with guys and dress in a provocative way. Are you sure you can handle all the male attention on her down the road?

[JuneL]

p.s. If she's as in love with you as you have claimed, she would have felt really bad for causing you so much anguish instead of playing dumb.

[Space Ritual]

p.s. If she's as in love with you as you have claimed, she would have felt really bad for causing you so much anguish instead of playing dumb.

 

 

THIS^^^^^^^

 

Wookin, if you take no heed or even scoff at our replies,I would point out that this nugget here,short and sweet, sums it up perfectly. And you should print this out and put it somewhere that you can reread it every day. Then perhaps you'll grasp the effectiveness of remaining silent and being thought a fool by your girlfriend, as opposed to speaking and removing all doubt.

[JuneL]

I just went back and skimmed through your other threads. OP: You're the one who has always had boundaries issues: you cheated on this gf 20 years ago, and cheated on your wife a few months ago. I'm not sure how you can expect others to be 100% faithful to you.

[Space Ritual]

I just went back and skimmed through your other threads. OP: You're the one who has always had boundaries issues: you cheated on this gf 20 years ago, and cheated on your wife a few months ago. I'm not sure how you can expect others to be 100% faithful to you.

 

Thank you.

 

I just went back now where I should have before. Now Wookin's situation is a bit more explainable to me.

 

Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword.

[Try]

To be honest, I would believe her. I mean, why would she question her friend when she knows that she's married AND she has a baby on the way with her husband.

I would believe the OP's girlfriend if she were even slightly angry at her friend upon learning of the supposed deception, and of being lied to about it. But since the OP's girlfriend has made it absolutely clear that she is not even a little bit upset at the friend about it, that indicates to me that the friend may not have lied to girlfriend, and that the girlfriend was in on it all along. They say believe what they do and not what they say. In this case, the OP's girlfriend says that she was lied to, but is acting like she was not.

 

Let's be clear on something. The OP's girlfriend is still married to someone else, and is in the middle of getting a divorce. The OP is only a boyfriend to her at this time, and they have not really even been dating for that long. She may vary well not consider the OP to be her lifetime one and only at this time. In this light, the idea of two women spending time with two handsome men in an Italian beach villa may have sounded too good to pass up until it got complicated for her when the OP started asking questions. Not only is this scenario possible, but in light of her reaction to the supposed lies of her friend, I think it to be probable.

Edited July 10, 2017 by Try