GF Vacation to Italy - How to Control My Jealousy?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You won't find out if you keep bringing it up.

 

You have been advised multiple times to just sit back and observe,and you seem unable to do that.

 

 

 

The goal here is to not let the cat out of the bag. She already knows that her story, even with a couple of tweaks, is not going over very well.

Continuing the discussion will only make her clam up, and then your chance of actually getting answers will decline with each time you bring this up.

 

You are handing yourself your own rope by creating an environment where she may feel the need to contact her friend to get their stories straight in case you inquire of the friend. They already have advance warning and they are on the lookout .

 

Dude, you are showing her a Beta side of you that she will not find very appealing. People who are guilty of something foolish usually have more chance to expose themselves when they feel comfortable and in no danger of being caught, which is usually the exact time they make the misstep that sinks them.

 

Drop it for now and just observe.

 

 

Ok I will not bring it up anymore. I guess what you are saying that to maybe let her bring it up down the road when she forgets exactly what she has told me and what was true assuming she is hiding something. I know I have hid or lied to my ex W and years later I forget what I told her, what were other alternatives to the lie and what was real. It's hard to keep a lie going for long. Is this what you are getting at?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You admitted that your gf likes to flirt with guys and dress in a provocative way. Are you sure you can handle all the male attention on her down the road?

 

I think I can. I mean it's nice to have a beautiful lady on your arm. I get jealous easily and don't like guys flirting or asking her out. I am sure it happens constantly when I am not around. We live in different cities. But I do get a rush when she chooses to be with me. Like this Italy trip.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

p.s. If she's as in love with you as you have claimed, she would have felt really bad for causing you so much anguish instead of playing dumb.

 

 

 

She actually told me she didn't know this trip would cause me anxiety when she agreed to go. The trip just fell in her lap. After our discussion she decided not to go.

 

 

The more I over analyze this, the one thing that is still really bothering me is her demeanor when she brought the seaside villa up initially. This was a couple days after she agreed to go and about 4 days after the initial invite.

 

 

Her demeanor was one of excitement. We were heading to dinner and she brought it up and was excited. I told her I was uncomfortable but she kept saying in happy tone "but it's a seaside villa....seaside villa in Italy".

 

 

That leads me to believe she would have gone without hesitation if I didn't speak up. That irks me.

[starpower]

I really think you need to let it go now. She did the right thing and not go, you was right to set that boundary in your relationship.

 

Looks like she got carried away in the excitement. I just think if her intention was to go there and hook up with a stranger, or just to go out there, she wouldn't have brought up the villa at all and kept it to herself.

 

You've made it clear that what her 'friend' did was unacceptable and staying at some random guys place is unacceptable. Looks like she realizes this.

 

Don't drive yourself crazy and drive her AWAY by over-analyzing tiny inconsistencies. It all ended in the right way.

[Space Ritual]

Ok I will not bring it up anymore. I guess what you are saying that to maybe let her bring it up down the road when she forgets exactly what she has told me and what was true assuming she is hiding something. I know I have hid or lied to my ex W and years later I forget what I told her, what were other alternatives to the lie and what was real. It's hard to keep a lie going for long. Is this what you are getting at?

 

Yes sir.

 

I would let it rest for now. I said to you a couple of pages ago that you are 1 argument from the trip being back on. And I still think if you press the issue far enough she will say "Screw It I'm going".

 

I can understand were you are coming from though as you don't seem fully satisfied with her answers or her naivete when it came to her supposed role in the trip. In your shoes I would be skeptical and remain so.

 

So yeah I totally get it. But for your own sanity put it on the back burner. In the coming weeks as the trip nears you will get the best actual info you can get by her actions and whether they line up with her words.

 

So again, play it close to the vest and let her talk. Only comment on the trip if she brings it up, and act indifferent. Sure it may be killing you inside, but if you play your hand you'll never know.

 

I still am a proponent of allowing someone to hang themselves with the rope they produced. If indeed there is more to this, badgering her will only drive her further into a secretive stance.

[usa1ah]

She actually told me she didn't know this trip would cause me anxiety when she agreed to go. The trip just fell in her lap. After our discussion she decided not to go.

 

 

The more I over analyze this, the one thing that is still really bothering me is her demeanor when she brought the seaside villa up initially. This was a couple days after she agreed to go and about 4 days after the initial invite.

 

 

Her demeanor was one of excitement. We were heading to dinner and she brought it up and was excited. I told her I was uncomfortable but she kept saying in happy tone "but it's a seaside villa....seaside villa in Italy".

 

 

That leads me to believe she would have gone without hesitation if I didn't speak up. That irks me.

 

 

That there least leads me to believe she was just thinking of a seaside vila, not of the two guys. I believe her friend was the player here in trying to get your gf there. Also as you posted, she understood when you flipped the roles and it was you and two ladies at the vila.

 

How has things been since?

[knabe]

I would believe the OP's girlfriend if she were even slightly angry at her friend upon learning of the supposed deception, and of being lied to about it. But since the OP's girlfriend has made it absolutely clear that she is not even a little bit upset at the friend about it, that indicates to me that the friend may not have lied to girlfriend, and that the girlfriend was in on it all along. They say believe what they do and not what they say. In this case, the OP's girlfriend says that she was lied to, but is acting like she was not.

 

Let's be clear on something. The OP's girlfriend is still married to someone else, and is in the middle of getting a divorce. The OP is only a boyfriend to her at this time, and they have not really even been dating for that long. She may vary well not consider the OP to be her lifetime one and only at this time. In this light, the idea of two women spending time with two handsome men in an Italian beach villa may have sounded too good to pass up until it got complicated for her when the OP started asking questions. Not only is this scenario possible, but in light of her reaction to the supposed lies of her friend, I think it to be probable.

 

 

And let's not forget that the OP is also married. This is basically an affair, which makes the jealousy somewhat ironic.

[usa1ah]

And let's not forget that the OP is also married. This is basically an affair, which makes the jealousy somewhat ironic.

 

His gf is in the middle of a divorce.

[The411]

7 City

 

 

I do fear that I might push her away if I try to control her. She can be independent.

 

 

But I struggle with is where is the line a committed partner cannot cross? Would you let your partner go away for the weekend and stay with the opposite sex and that you did not know them? That is crossing the line in my book. It certainly gives the wrong appearance of how committed she is.

 

 

Here's how this is supposed to be handled. When you get serious with a woman you say you free to do as you wish but here are my boundaries and if you crosss my boundaries I will leave the relationship.

 

That's it. You don't bring it up again.

 

I'm guessing that you didn't have this discussion already. I would suggest you have it before she leaves. Tell her that you enjoy her company and you want to get serious. Tell her she's free to do what she wishes, but you have certain boundaries that cannot be crossed otherwise you will leave the relationship. Make sure she knows it's not a threat but rather a statement regarding your boundaries. She will respect you more for setting boundaries. It doesn't prevent her from cheating but it makes it clear that you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior.

[sandylee1]

I just went back and skimmed through your other threads. OP: You're the one who has always had boundaries issues: you cheated on this gf 20 years ago, and cheated on your wife a few months ago. I'm not sure how you can expect others to be 100% faithful to you.

 

Not to labour the point, but he cheated with her

brother's girlfriend. That's a massive boundary issue even 20 odd years ago.

 

I think it's hard for a former cheater to trust others and there is some insecurity as Wookin has been in love with this woman throughout his marriage really.

[Bobdobalina]

perfect set up the couple and each had a wingman i dont think she was going to be expected to just chat to him while the other two are going at it in the next room she new all along what was going to happen its just too obvious

[Steve51]

I was away from my then fiancé for 2 months when my best friend told me she was cheating on me. However, my wife and I used to be apart for 3 months of the year due to my overseas business travel. We both could have cheated with no chance of being caught and yet we did not. It really depends on the girl.

 

Have you considered that she she has the same reason to worry about you cheating? I believe in the saying that "if you love someone let them free. If they come back they are truly yours. If not, they never were yours to begin with." There is a lot of truth to this statement. If she is going to cheat on her trip she will cheat on you at home eventually too. Relationships do not last long if one of the partners is preemptively jealous. There will be many times when you are apart. I used to be working overseas 3 months of the year at times. I never got jealous. My wife had her freedom but returned to me.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

That there least leads me to believe she was just thinking of a seaside vila, not of the two guys. I believe her friend was the player here in trying to get your gf there. Also as you posted, she understood when you flipped the roles and it was you and two ladies at the vila.

 

How has things been since?

 

Since you asked. While she is not going, I have become more comfortable with her wanting to go in the first place and that it was not a plan to carouse with some Italian men with her friend. I say this because in a group text with her cousin, her cousin was saying the same thing as I and it was ridiculous of her friend to lie. She would tell this cousin anything, they are very close.

 

 

I think the friend truly duped her and played on my gf niceness and eagerness to travel. My gf just commented that if her friend's plan to spend time with her Italian guy was not revealed until they got there, that my gf would have gotten a hotel by herself.

 

 

Still the friend has called her twice asking her to reconsider. Once about 2 weeks ago and my gf said she had made up her mind already. Then my gf said she called again last week. My gf did not provide many details of that call and I just dropped it.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

perfect set up the couple and each had a wingman i dont think she was going to be expected to just chat to him while the other two are going at it in the next room she new all along what was going to happen its just too obvious

 

I worried about that. Spending villa with 2-guys 2 girls screams sex-o-rama. Also considering the stereotypes of Italian men of being persistent.

 

 

I asked her about that and how the friend was putting her in a very uncomfortable position. Her response was like "I know and can you imagine if friend's name and man go off to do their thing and she is left alone with the other guy and trying to carry on a conversation with a guy who doesn't speak English."

[Space Ritual]

Also considering the stereotypes of Italian men of being persistent.

 

I do not think it is stereotypes of Italian men, but just us men in general, if your GF has 2 boobs, a vagina and a heartbeat, one of us will try to put the moves on her regardless of where we live or come from..

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I do not think it is stereotypes of Italian men, but just us men in general, if your GF has 2 boobs, a vagina and a heartbeat, one of us will try to put the moves on her regardless of where we live or come from..

 

That is true but "Italianguy" posted in this thread how Italian men would be very persistent in trying to get her.

[NuevoYorko]

I do not think it is stereotypes of Italian men, but just us men in general, if your GF has 2 boobs, a vagina and a heartbeat, one of us will try to put the moves on her regardless of where we live or come from..

 

Even with one boob.

[Bobdobalina]

I asked her about that and how the friend was putting her in a very uncomfortable position. Her response was like "I know and can you imagine if friend's name and man go off to do their thing and she is left alone with the other guy and trying to carry on a conversation with a guy who doesn't speak English."

 

that doesn't sound like a real comforting reply i would of thought she would be horrified her friend would put her in a situation unless there was deeper intensions

[KBob]

I think the friend truly duped her and played on my gf niceness and eagerness to travel. My gf just commented that if her friend's plan to spend time with her Italian guy was not revealed until they got there, that my gf would have gotten a hotel by herself.

 

Eagerness to travel, it can be quite a thing. Everyone shouldn't be so quick to jump on her for wanting to go on a trip with someone they barely know. Having a desire to travel and not many people to do it with can make it enticing to jump on an opportunity to take a trip like this. I know because I've been there. I've met up with friends to go travel that id met on previous trips and barely knew.

 

You do, however, have a right to be suspicious about the villa situation. It's possible she has poor boundaries and is very naive and oblivious, which possibly could have been accepted and not corrected in her previous relationship. Im in a relationship with one of those right now, as well. I do agree with everyone who says keep your eyes open, though.

[JuneL]

I asked her about that and how the friend was putting her in a very uncomfortable position. Her response was like "I know and can you imagine if friend's name and man go off to do their thing and she is left alone with the other guy and trying to carry on a conversation with a guy who doesn't speak English."

 

that doesn't sound like a real comforting reply i would of thought she would be horrified her friend would put her in a situation unless there was deeper intensions

 

You are the OP?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Eagerness to travel, it can be quite a thing. Everyone shouldn't be so quick to jump on her for wanting to go on a trip with someone they barely know. Having a desire to travel and not many people to do it with can make it enticing to jump on an opportunity to take a trip like this. I know because I've been there. I've met up with friends to go travel that id met on previous trips and barely knew.

 

You do, however, have a right to be suspicious about the villa situation. It's possible she has poor boundaries and is very naive and oblivious, which possibly could have been accepted and not corrected in her previous relationship. Im in a relationship with one of those right now, as well. I do agree with everyone who says keep your eyes open, though.

 

 

 

You are right. She loves to travel, go to museums, etc. Her ex H didn't like to fly and their vacations for the last 10 years have been driving south, renting a beach house and him drinking all day. Her therapist told her to go on this trip for herself. I agreed mostly with that.

 

 

She can be naïve at times but she tell me about the villa right away. I think she got wrapped up in the excitement of being there rather than the potential situation of being stuck around another guy. She tells me she has never cheated on any boyfriend or her husband ever before and I believe her. She says she is always loyal.

 

 

She also told me right away about how she was out with some girlfriends and one of them called a guy friend to the place they were at to meet my gf. She said she left soon after she realized what was happening. Didn't stay for dinner. I do trust her completely.

[KBob]

She also told me right away about how she was out with some girlfriends and one of them called a guy friend to the place they were at to meet my gf. She said she left soon after she realized what was happening. Didn't stay for dinner. I do trust her completely.

 

When did this happen? After the topic of this thread? And while you were with her?

 

It seems like the people you shouldn't be trusting are your girlfriend's friends, because they're obviously a bunch of morally bankrupt wh*re types if they're continually inviting single guys to hang with your girl.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

When did this happen? After the topic of this thread? And while you were with her?

 

It seems like the people you shouldn't be trusting are your girlfriend's friends, because they're obviously a bunch of morally bankrupt wh*re types if they're continually inviting single guys to hang with your girl.

 

Well due to circumstances of us both going thru divorces we kept each other quiet. Many of her friends don't know how serious we are. We then broke up for a couple weeks in early June. Just as we were trying to get back together this blind date set up happened. Then a week or two later the Italy trip came up. The friend who invited her to Italy was full aware that she was dating me.

[Deidre]

I recently got married in May, and when I was dating my husband, there's no way I'd want to go to another country without him, and hang out with single guys at a villa. I don't understand why she would want to do that...if she knew these guys were going, if this is the kind of trip it'd be, then she should have backed out. IF she's into you and cares about you.

 

I'm not a jealous type, but it would make me sad honestly, to be in the situation.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I recently got married in May, and when I was dating my husband, there's no way I'd want to go to another country without him, and hang out with single guys at a villa. I don't understand why she would want to do that...if she knew these guys were going, if this is the kind of trip it'd be, then she should have backed out. IF she's into you and cares about you.

 

I'm not a jealous type, but it would make me sad honestly, to be in the situation.

 

I agree. My belief is that you should not exclude your spouse/SO if that is something they would want to do as a couple. I would want to be the one to travel to Italy with her but if she wanted girls weekend shopping, chatting with friends I have no problem with that. I am sure she would not want to tag along on a guys golf weekend with me.

 

 

She said this Italy trip fell in her lap and she would just need to pay for airfare. She is going thru divorce and it would not be possible for me to go at this point in my divorce. She had no intentions of causing me stress when she agreed to go.