OLD & warm up before meeting

[No_Go]

I'm thinking it is about time to get back into OLD... I took 9 months after my LDR, albeit there were several relapses with him.. now it is truly done.

 

I have one issue with OLD though - I absolutely can't connect without an extensive written exchange before the first meet. I know many guys are told to meet first before getting invested - well, for me that's a certain no-go because I just do not develop romantic interest that way (for the same reason cold approach IRL is not working for me at all).

 

Would it be weird to put it as a part of my profile that I prefer to warm up with some written exchanges (not 'Hey how was your day' but something substantial) or this will make my prospects run away ?

 

(Just to clarify: my pictures will be from 30 days so there will be no surprises on date 1... and for my own information the parameters - height, weight, age etc- is all I need to know for my prospective date in the beginning, I literally can't remember visuals at all so I don't even bother)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm thinking it is about time to get back into OLD... I took 9 months after my LDR, albeit there were several relapses with him.. now it is truly done.

 

I have one issue with OLD though - I absolutely can't connect without an extensive written exchange before the first meet. I know many guys are told to meet first before getting invested - well, for me that's a certain no-go because I just do not develop romantic interest that way (for the same reason cold approach IRL is not working for me at all).

 

Would it be weird to put it as a part of my profile that I prefer to warm up with some written exchanges (not 'Hey how was your day' but something substantial) or this will make my prospects run away ?

 

(Just to clarify: my pictures will be from 30 days so there will be no surprises on date 1... and for my own information the parameters - height, weight, age etc- is all I need to know for my prospective date in the beginning, I literally can't remember visuals at all so I don't even bother)

 

I'm a woman and that would not turn me off at all, as long as you worded it in a sincere and intelligent way . I'd welcome it since I'm the same way. Good luck!

[Dis]

I think its perfectly understandable!

 

We have no control over what makes us connect to others and what doesnt

 

I think explaining that briefly in your profile is a good idea

 

As long as you dont need days to weeks to connect I dont think it should be a problem

 

Some guys might not go for it but you wouldnt connect with them anyway so no harm no foul

 

Good luck and god speed!

[SwordofFlame]

As a guy, that has been a red flag in my experience with online dating. If I don't meet her after exchanging 3-4 messages max, we never end up meeting. Kind of similar to the if I don't sleep with her within the first 3 dates, the dating never goes any further. I'm sure the reason for that could be anything from she's not taking OLD seriously to someone who's like you. While I don't have any hard set rules, that has been my experience so far.

 

I'm pretty sure there are some guys that think the same way you do though, so don't let my personal experience deter you

 

I will also add that the women who I've gone past the 3-4 OLD initial message range with all had one thing in common. Their answers were always short and they never asked anything to get to know me better. They came off as low interest and low energy (which is why I didn't ask them to meet after a few messages like I normally do.) If you need a drawn out online conversation, at least be engaging and show interest in the guy.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm thinking it is about time to get back into OLD... I took 9 months after my LDR, albeit there were several relapses with him.. now it is truly done.

 

I have one issue with OLD though - I absolutely can't connect without an extensive written exchange before the first meet. I know many guys are told to meet first before getting invested - well, for me that's a certain no-go because I just do not develop romantic interest that way (for the same reason cold approach IRL is not working for me at all).

 

Would it be weird to put it as a part of my profile that I prefer to warm up with some written exchanges (not 'Hey how was your day' but something substantial) or this will make my prospects run away ?

 

(Just to clarify: my pictures will be from 30 days so there will be no surprises on date 1... and for my own information the parameters - height, weight, age etc- is all I need to know for my prospective date in the beginning, I literally can't remember visuals at all so I don't even bother)

 

 

Sounds good....Give it a "go".....

 

TFY

[No_Go]

Funnily I tend to agree with you regarding sex (not 3 dates but 5 dates is my upper limit - I had couple of otherwise decent dudes that procrastinated over the physical stuff up to date 6... Just for me to realize that now friends. Platonic friends.)

 

I also won't like a long meaningless exchange. I like written communication warm up mainly to get the idea of the guy's way of thinking and way of presenting his thoughts. [This is hard to gauge in person because people are usually too nervous on date 1-2]

 

As a guy, that has been a red flag in my experience with online dating. If I don't meet her after exchanging 3-4 messages max, we never end up meeting. Kind of similar to the if I don't sleep with her within the first 3 dates, the dating never goes any further. I'm sure the reason for that could be anything from she's not taking OLD seriously to someone who's like you. While I don't have any hard set rules, that has been my experience so far.

 

I'm pretty sure there are some guys that think the same way you do though, so don't let my personal experience deter you

 

I will also add that the women who I've gone past the 3-4 OLD initial message range with all had one thing in common. Their answers were always short and they never asked anything to get to know me better. They came off as low interest and low energy (which is why I didn't ask them to meet after a few messages like I normally do.) If you need a drawn out online conversation, at least be engaging and show interest in the guy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sounds good....Give it a "go".....

 

TFY

 

Ha. I see what you did there.

 

No_Go, sorry, in my response I thought you were a man .

[Gaeta]

I

 

I have one issue with OLD thoug - I absolutely can't connect without an extensive written exchange before the first meet. I know many guys are told to meet first before getting invested - well, for me that's a certain no-go because I just do not develop romantic interest that way (for the same reason cold approach IRL is not working for me at all).

 

I think you are missing the point of online. You are not suppose to *connect* online, you are just suppose to make contact.

 

Once you make contact you meet face to face, then you decide if this person is someone you wish connecting with.

 

No?

[No_Go]

Ha. I see what you did there.

 

No_Go, sorry, in my response I thought you were a man .

 

I'm a woman, but I guess similar rules apply for both genders:)?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you are missing the point of online. You are not suppose to *connect* online, you are just suppose to make contact.

 

Once you make contact you meet face to face, then you decide if this person is someone you wish connecting with.

 

No?

 

I respectfully disagree. Words, and the way they are combined to form sentences, are very important to me. I like a man who can express himself well in writing, and I think it is a great way to get to know someone. Also, when I've been consistently online dating, it is very time consuming. And much of it is a total waste of time. I prefer to save my free time for people (family, friends, and dates) with whom I will have meaningful conversation and time together. Quick "coffee dates" don't do it for me at all. I think online dating accomplishes a lot of weeding out (like a coffee date would, but without kids ;) ), but I know not everyone will think the same. For one reason, some people detest writing!

[No_Go]

The thing is I'm pretty introverted and I'm not interested in (or capable of) getting to know strangers at all unless we have some sort of communication rapport establishing compatible communication styles/ thought flows. It is actually exactly the same offline: I could never force myself to meet up with a stranger that approached me say in the grocery store, regardless how attractive he may look.

 

I'm not saying to form a relationship online - but to establish interest that will make the first meet an exciting event with someone that I suspect could be compatible.

 

I think you are missing the point of online. You are not suppose to *connect* online, you are just suppose to make contact.

 

Once you make contact you meet face to face, then you decide if this person is someone you wish connecting with.

 

No?

[Gaeta]

I am not talking about meeting someone *cold* but after a 1st conversation what else is there to write to each other about? On a first conversation you'll learn his age, job, kids, time single, his goals, his dreams.

 

What else do you need?

 

Don't get me wrong I would not have met someone without at least one serious conversation. But after that 1 serious conversation what else do you need to know?

[Gaeta]

I'm not saying to form a relationship online - but to establish interest that will make the first meet an exciting event with someone that I suspect could be compatible.

 

In terms of time invested in corresponding online what do you have in mind?

[No_Go]

Ideally a week of substantial exchanges daily or every other day. Longer than that it may get boring, but shorter than that - I don't have the base to be excited to meet.

 

In terms of time invested in corresponding online what do you have in mind?

[No_Go]

I feel like in the initial communication what makes or breaks the spark is more how the guy presents a given situation, how his thoughts flow, how he structures the information, not the logistic details (background, job, kids etc I expect to know from his profile anyway).

 

I am not talking about meeting someone *cold* but after a 1st conversation what else is there to write to each other about? On a first conversation you'll learn his age, job, kids, time single, his goals, his dreams.

 

What else do you need?

 

Don't get me wrong I would not have met someone without at least one serious conversation. But after that 1 serious conversation what else do you need to know?

[Gaeta]

I feel like in the initial communication what makes or breaks the spark is more how the guy presents a given situation, how his thoughts flow, how he structures the information, not the logistic details (background, job, kids etc I expect to know from his profile anyway).

 

Of course but a first conversation can last over 1 hour or more where you exchange ideas put into paragraphs. You see the person is articulate, their orthograph, their sense of humour, etc.

 

That being said you have your style and I am sure you'll come across men that don't mind corresponding through the week till you meet. If you require more than 1 week then it will be seen as a red flag from men.

 

Often corresponding too long just builds expectations and you feel let down when the person is not up to your virtual image of them.

[lana-banana]

I think asking for a full week of long correspondence is going to turn a lot of people off. Maybe phrase it like "I like men who are thoughtful, eloquent, and able to communicate complex ideas"? That way you might end up exchanging a few letters before you meet without seeming demanding.

 

When I was doing online dating, I spent several days writing long-winded and exceedingly clever (maybe precious, even) missives to dudes I hadn't even met, only to meet up in person and discover there was zero chemistry. I see what you're saying but I think Gaeta has a point too. Write a letter or two, meet up in person, and then decide if he's worth investing more time and energy. Racheting up the pressure so much before your first meeting isn't good for anyone involved.

[No_Go]

I think in the first conversation people are generally quite anxious and trying to 'keep it light'... I feel like this is almost engrained in the minds of most guys: 'be courteous, flirtatious, light & breezy in the beginning' - well... for me that does nothing to negative in terms of building attraction (I admit my style is a bit weird - I also never flirt in the classical sense of flirting... so some men have given me feedback that I'm too reserved/'cold').

 

I also want to limit the number of men I'm meeting - in the past I managed to keep it low (1-4) before getting into a relationship wth one of them. Having said that - I haven't been on a freaking date with a guy different than my ex since the beginning of 2015... So I'd probably need a few trial dates to recall what it is all about... I just hate dating so much that it is hard to get excited:(

 

Of course but a first conversation can last over 1 hour or more where you exchange ideas put into paragraphs. You see the person is articulate, their orthograph, their sense of humour, etc.

 

That being said you have your style and I am sure you'll come across men that don't mind corresponding through the week till you meet. If you require more than 1 week then it will be seen as a red flag from men.

 

Often corresponding too long just builds expectations and you feel let down when the person is not up to your virtual image of them.

[Gaeta]

I think in the first conversation people are generally quite anxious and trying to 'keep it light'... I feel like this is almost engrained in the minds of most guys: 'be courteous, flirtatious, light & breezy in the beginning' - well... for me that does nothing to negative in terms of building attraction (I admit my style is a bit weird - I also never flirt in the classical sense of flirting... so some men have given me feedback that I'm too reserved/'cold').

 

Do you consider yourself sapiosexual?

[No_Go]

Good advice to present my need a bit more indirectly:) That sounds indeed less demanding.

 

I see the point that the expectations may not meet the reality... But again, I'm thinking a week not months... Tbh I'm also hoping that way (or some other way?) to avoid guys that multi-date and avoid multi-dating myself...

 

I'm also probably repelled by the though of needing to meet many men - in my entire life I've been on ~ 10 first dates (majority from OLD), but I'm constantly hearing gfs saying they had the same number of men in a week... This literally gives me chills. Maybe I'm not ready or overthinking it, IDK...

 

I think asking for a full week of long correspondence is going to turn a lot of people off. Maybe phrase it like "I like men who are thoughtful, eloquent, and able to communicate complex ideas"? That way you might end up exchanging a few letters before you meet without seeming demanding.

 

When I was doing online dating, I spent several days writing long-winded and exceedingly clever (maybe precious, even) missives to dudes I hadn't even met, only to meet up in person and discover there was zero chemistry. I see what you're saying but I think Gaeta has a point too. Write a letter or two, meet up in person, and then decide if he's worth investing more time and energy. Racheting up the pressure so much before your first meeting isn't good for anyone involved.

[No_Go]

Do you consider yourself sapiosexual?

 

Very much so, probably I can say that in the profile... I'm also pretty damn introverted (but I don't want to lead with that because people misinterpret it with social anxiety, and I actually prefer to date an extrovert - I had best experiences with ESFP whereas I'm INTJ... not that i'm a firm M.B. proponent but for dating it kind of makes sense)

[Gaeta]

Very much so, probably I can say that in the profile... I'm also pretty damn introverted (but I don't want to lead with that because people misinterpret it with social anxiety, and I actually prefer to date an extrovert - I had best experiences with ESFP whereas I'm INTJ... not that i'm a firm M.B. proponent but for dating it kind of makes sense)

 

You know, I don't think it's a bad idea to put it in your profile, might even be a great conversation opener for the person messaging you.

 

I think relationships work better when 2 people complement each other. Imagine 2 extroverts together, who would stand them. I am very social but the quiet type. My best match is an extrovert man.

[act00]

I guess I don't have any hard and fast rules, but a week of texting seems reasonable enough. What I DON'T want is the expectation that daily, long communication is required long-term. I have found that quite naturally there is more communication via text in the beginning and leading up to the date than would occur post-date, more in the terms that when you meet and if you hit it off, you spend a bit more time together and require less time texting. It's a natural fade from one area to another.

 

I don't like prolonged texting. What I don't like is when a plan is made for later in the week, and there's no texting at all. Typically I have found that the date doesn't happen, so I would be okay with communication in between, just not a ton of it. I don't like the prolonged texting where there is no meeting in person in the foreseeable future either, so the idea of someone stating they like to text first for a prolonged period is going to make me a little less interested. I've already walked that walk. If we have to wait a week, that's fine. If this moves to week 2 or 3, I'm already scheduling dates with other people or planning other things.

 

As you can see, I'm bouncing around all over. But, I think it would be reasonable to say to someone, sure, let's plan a date for later in the week. Say you like to get to know someone a little by text first, so the time delay is perfect for you. You can always cancel if you don't "feel it." I think planning a date instead of being wishy-washy about prolonged texting and establishing a date sometime in the range of who-knows when will be a good start.

 

Keep in mind, if you prolong too long, they could find someone who is more willing to meet them sooner, and you can find yourself either dropped, ignored, or they write to you and tell you that they met someone else and they want to see where it goes, which means you lost an opportunity.

[Dis]

 

I'm also probably repelled by the though of needing to meet many men - in my entire life I've been on ~ 10 first dates (majority from OLD), but I'm constantly hearing gfs saying they had the same number of men in a week... This literally gives me chills. Maybe I'm not ready or overthinking it, IDK...

 

Dont be discouraged yet girl

 

I know we all have heard horror stories about OLDing here. I should know...I've posted many of them

 

But maybe it wont be as bad as you think it will be

 

You had pretty good luck with it in the past...maybe you'll get lucky again!

 

I've heard, most of the things we worry about never end up happening. Give yourself and some guys a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised with the outcome

[introverted1]

Very much so, probably I can say that in the profile... I'm also pretty damn introverted (but I don't want to lead with that because people misinterpret it with social anxiety, and I actually prefer to date an extrovert - I had best experiences with ESFP whereas I'm INTJ... not that i'm a firm M.B. proponent but for dating it kind of makes sense)

 

This is really surprising to me, NG. I'm also INTJ (and female) and the FP would make me crazy!

 

Anyway, I totally get what you are after in OLD but, as I am too chicken to even try that route, I have no advice for you. I do like Lana's wording suggestion.

 

Good luck!