Could not be a second wife/called it off

[princessa1062]

I knowingly got into a relationship with a divorced man with 2 children. I didn't have to deal with them much as we lived in another city. His mother was horrible having pictures of the ex around everywhere and bringing up her name. She didn't ask to see my ring or welcome me into the family. I felt very second....it felt horrible. To be the second wife...the second one he sees walking down the aisle...the second one he honeymoons with...never the first when it comes to giving birth. He's been in the delivery room with her twice and got that experience with her. He now has a vasectomy and we will never had that experience. Everything revolves around his kids...when we vacation...how much money we have to vacation with...I literally don't think I can take it. I feel so second and not important. I wish I would have listened to my gut feeling when I met him....a divorced man with kids is not for me. I'm single and free...and yet I feel divorced...I only get him every other weekend. The wedding is called off....I can't move forward feeling second. I'm losing out on a wonderful man....because I can't take his baggage. I'm feel like a horrible person. Does anyone else feel like this?

[usa1ah]

If he can't make you feel special and that you matter better to break if off.

[princessa1062]

I don't think I will ever feel special being anyone's second wife.

[d0nnivain]

if that is how you feel, that is how you feel. Logic won't change it. It's an emotion.

 

 

Going forward don't date divorced men. Do understand that past a certain age, that is harder & harder to do.

[stillafool]

Since you feel that way you are both lucky you called it off. The good news is there are tons of single men with no kids so find you one.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It takes a very specific kind of person to be able to marry someone with kids if they've never been married or had kids of your own. It's good you found out you're not this person before you went through with it, for everyone's sake. You'll find the perfect single man that checks off all the boxes and you can experience all of the firsts together <3. Best wishes.

[princessa1062]

Thank you. I feel horrible to loose him....we fought about nothing but his kids...and their schedule...but do not want to become resentful of having my time dictated by his children and ex.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you. I feel horrible to loose him....we fought about nothing but his kids...and their schedule...but do not want to become resentful of having my time dictated by his children and ex.

 

This is exactly why I won't date someone who has never had children of their own. I'm not casting blame on you at all, or criticizing you, so please do not take it that way. You can't possibly understand it, and shouldn't have to if you don't want to.

[princessa1062]

No I didn't understand that I would get him only part time....he tried to convince me I wouldn't ...but the truth is kids come first...even when their dad says otherwise. He tried to blame me for not understanding. Your right I couldn't understand it until I was in it..and it wasn't for me. I wish we would have not engaged without without first incorporating the children. It was quite embarrassing to call of the wedding.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No I didn't understand that I would get him only part time....he tried to convince me I wouldn't ...but the truth is kids come first...even when their dad says otherwise. He tried to blame me for not understanding. Your right I couldn't understand it until I was in it..and it wasn't for me. I wish we would have not engaged without without first incorporating the children. It was quite embarrassing to call of the wedding.

 

I'm sure he wanted to believe that and probably tried to convince himself, too. Were you his first post-divorce relationship?

[princessa1062]

No actually....he had many woman he dated and was engaged prior to me and called that off. When he came into my life...it was long distance and he told me he would move...that his kids hated going in between houses and he hated watching his ex play house with another man and his kids. So moving would be best....1.5 hour flight away. So he did. After a year and a half he decided it would be best to move back and be near his kids. It wasn't what we had discussed...and being in the same town...playing stepmom and interacting with the ex was to overwhelming for me.

[Spartakooty]

I can understand the whole kid thing... if you wanted to have kids that is and he can't. That's a called a deal breaker.

 

Yes kids have schedules...comes with the territory. I do get your conflicted feelings tho. It can be a challenge.

 

If he won't or can't offer you the kind of relationship or attention you need then that's a whole other story and you need to find someone who can.

 

But I'm not sure why feeling like you're the 'second wife' should be driving you away. We all have a past regardless if we were married or not. We love who we love regardless of what a piece of paper says.

[preraph]

Don't feel guilty, but I know you're sad. If you wanted kids, this would't have worked. Though I commend him for getting the vascectomy if he didn't want more kids, which apparently he does not. It's a very responsible thing to do.

 

Sometimes we surprise ourselves. One of the guys I was in love with in my 20s, things didn't work out, though he would never get out of my life. I didn't know why for a decade and finally he told me he had erectile dysfunction and told me this after he was married and had a baby and had therapy to overcome the ED. Then his wife divorced him due to his drinking too much. In fact, when I was in their town I called her and asked for her and she said he was probably at this lounge where he always was, so I just went over there and walked in like Clint Eastwood to find him. Hadn't seen him in years, you know.

 

Anyway, he came to stay with me a few days after his divorce and while he was sober. Realize this is decades later and we are middle aged. But he was someone I really did love. He irritated most people but I found him charming and could just listen to him talk (he talked too much). I was seeing someone at the time, so we didn't have sex but he contacted me some months later kind of hinting about us living together. He had a teenage son living with him. When I was young, I wouldn't have been so rigid, but I just told him I just couldn't see myself with a kid in the house at my age and tried to explain it would be too much of a shock going from being used to living alone most of my life to having an automatic family. It was sad. I felt bad about it and sometimes couldn't believe I turned him down, too. But life moves on and we have to sometimes listen to that little voice in our head and follow it.

[princessa1062]

I don't know why I felt so horrible about being a second wife....I felt like I got nothing first...not a wedding...a shower...his children...his family always brought his ex up....just felt like a nobody. Maybe it's my own self esteem.

[stillafool]

Yeah, when you feel the way you do you are best to wait for a man who has never been married so you can be first at everything.

[Spartakooty]

I don't know why I felt so horrible about being a second wife....I felt like I got nothing first...not a wedding...a shower...his children...his family always brought his ex up....just felt like a nobody. Maybe it's my own self esteem.

 

Damn self esteem!!! Can't it leave us alone!! Always getting in the way!! Ya that's likely part of it. Or you've always had a vision of what that was like for yourself....it isn't wrong, but life has an odd way of pushing us in directions we didn't think we would go. As far as his family mentioning the ex, keep in mind they probably knew her for a longer time (I assume) and perhaps they just don't know you as well? She will come up in conversation in relation to the kids. But if they are saying things like, "Oh my god we miss her so much and she's so much better than princessa..." Then you've got a dog in the fight.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't know why I felt so horrible about being a second wife....I felt like I got nothing first...not a wedding...a shower...his children...his family always brought his ex up....just felt like a nobody. Maybe it's my own self esteem.

 

How old are you? How old is he?

[spiderowl]

It's not whether you are first or second that matters, it is whether you feel valued. If you don't feel valued, then it is worth working out why. Is it because you do not feel good about yourself and therefore rely on others to boost you too much? Or, it is just that he was not as caring about you as a partner should be? Only you can know really.

 

You place so much emphasis on being second as if because you happen to be the second person he wanted to marry that makes you less than the first? It is just a sequence and says nothing about your value. I presume he hadn't even met you when he married his first wife. Have you always felt second-best in your life?

 

Regarding children, they do come first and they take up time. If you cannot understand that, then it is best you split up. When you have your own children, they will always come first for you, it is a natural protective instinct.

[princessa1062]

we are both 39

[1fish2fish]

You stayed true to yourself and what was important to you.

 

That doesn't sound like low self esteem to me.

[princessa1062]

I just wanted to feel first with him...and I never did...it was kids...ex wife...felt like a nobody.

[princessa1062]

Thank you 1fish2fish - I felt uncomfortable around his family and kids...my gut was saying something. Something didn't feel right.

[Chilli]

The thing is , a parent can't not do the best they can for their kids after divorce.

or even in marriage , they're our kids.

 

you can't fight with him about looking after and being with his own children .

he can't give them up or time with them , for anyone right now ,all parents have to work around that , full stop.

 

So yeah your missing out but there's nothing he can do. If you both had kids you'd be in the boat together but in your sitch really , you either have to suck it up or move on.

you can't ask a parent not to be the best parent they can especially when the kids are now living through divorce and a broken family.

 

l'm not one of these people that just say move on move on , for any old thing. This sh@t doesn't grow on trees, l know.

But in your case, there isn't much else you can do.

his kids will always be priority until 17-18, 21 , or whatever he deems right, they have to be.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Chilli

[stillafool]

we are both 39

 

Please bear in mind that if you want to marry a man your age or older more than likely he will have been married before and has children.

[elaine567]

That is the reason why many single women will not date a man with kids and an ex.

The baggage is just too much.

Even if the family were all on board, the ex was lovely and the kids a dream, there is always the shadow of not ever being "the first" to experience important life events hanging around, and that needs to be taken into consideration.

 

In the first flush of "love" it seems irrelevant but as time moves on it tends to grate.

A man with a vasectomy is also a problem for a single young woman, because even if she thinks she never wants kids, the biology starts kicking in and whilst it may seem adequate to be "nanny" to his ex's kids, it is rarely enough and resentment tends to build.