1 month baby, is it right to leave her father?

[Phoebe]

We got pregnant (stupidly) very shortly after getting back together after being seperated for 7 months, our child is only one month old and being a single mother used to be my biggest fear but I'm starting to feel as though something is seriously wrong here. It seems as though for a while now I cannot say anything that he doesn't like without it turning into a personal attack against my character and I should self-reflect to realize the truth of what he is saying and make changes. He used to seem so positive and uplifting but now it just seems as though he can only say negative things about me, while at the same time telling me how I don't appreciate him and how wonderful he is. I'm starting to think that I'm being gaslighted.

 

Some of the things that he has done recently:

 

1. Called me selfish because I said that I did not want his mother in the delivery room despite the fact that I had explained to him several times that I was afraid that I would get post-partum depression and that his mom being there could be a trigger (my mom had passed away several years ago and I had been started on anti-depressants and counseling to try and avoid this during pregnancy).

 

2. Announced to me that his unbiological daugther that I have never spoken to or communicated with in any way was going to be staying with us to help with the baby. When I said I didn't want that, I wanted a chance to adjust to a baby before having people to stay. He told me just days before our baby was born that I was against his kids and that he didn't care if I ended up crying in a corner but his daughter was coming and that was it (luckily my counselor was able to talk him into his daughter coming a few weeks later, although when I asked how she was getting here he told me her boyfriend was driving her - complete surprise to me).

 

3. A little under 2 weeks after I gave birth I woke up shaking uncontrollably and vomited several times when I tried to get up. He had a conference meeting for some marketing company he was trying to get into (not mandatory that he attended) and announced to me that his sister was coming to take the baby to hers as I was too sick to look after her and that he was running late to his meeting. I called a friend who come over immediately took one look at me and said I needed to go to a doctor. He still went to the meeting, my friend took me to urgent care who sent me to the ER as I was dehydrated and had an infection. He came after the meeting, my friend made quick trip home to shower and eat something as she hadn't had a chance to do that all day because she didn't leave me. As soon as my friend left, my boyfriend left to check on his sister and get some things from home, leaving me alone in the ER until my friend came back. The next day I was criticized for being so thankful to my friend but not seeming to care when he left me in the hospital.

 

4. He called me mean and evil. When I questioned him about being evil the next day he said it may have possibly been too strong of a word but that his definition was someone who says things to deliberately hurt someone and he said that was me. He also said I was only affectionate to him and our baby as a family and not just to him and that although he would not cheat and was not the type to cheat that I was making it easy if he were to cheat, again he claimed not that he would (he has admitted to me that he constantly cheated on his first wife several years ago).

 

5. He told me that I was ungrateful. That he takes out the trash, looks after the dogs, cooks and cleans and for me and to name one other man who would ever do that. That anyone looking in on our relationship would say that he was "freaking awesome to me". I however cannot talk about the many times that I have bailed him out financially because he gets upset with me, although I swear he sees me as his own personal ATM (e.g asking me to move $20 into his account so he can eat lunch with family when he had no money left from his paycheck).

 

There are more things but this is probably already too long. We have an appointment with my counselor later today. To be honest I cannot believe that I am thinking about leaving him when our baby is only 1 month old but I'm worried that in a few years I could be one of those woman who are left with no self-esteem and that this would be the model of relationships for our little girl when she grows up.

[TheWoman]

I'm worried that in a few years I could be one of those woman who are left with no self-esteem and that this would be the model of relationships for our little girl when she grows up.

 

This relationship is very toxic and not at all how a loving couple who have just had a baby together should be. I am afraid what you have predicted above is exactly what is going to happen. I know how incredibly difficult it is to walk away with such a young child, but it will not get easier. Do it now before your self esteem disappears and it becomes even harder to leave. Do it before your little girl is damaged by being around this toxic behaviour and poor example of a relationship and a man. He is a child in a mans body and in no way ready to be father. Your priority here is your daughter, do it for her. You will meet someone else eventually who will actually love you and your daughter. You know what to look out for now and avoid, so do not lose the lesson.

[Phoebe]

Thanks for your advice TheWoman. We went to our counseling session and talked about the different issues we were having. I told her he called me evil and she seemed completely taken aback when he chimed in with "absolutely". When she asked him why we were together then he said he was waiting for the old phoebe to come back. We are seeing her again tomorrow but I don't really see this working out. I think that there is something wrong with a partner who keeps trying to convince you and have you "admit" that you're evil.

 

It's getting very tiring but I am afraid of starting over with a 1 month old. We're in America and ALL of my family is in England

[Redhead14]

I am really surprised that the counselor is seeing you as a couple first. You both should be in individual therapy for a while before you enter into couple's therapy if you're serious about trying to reconcile this relationship or at least, simultaneously. How long had you two been together before the 7 month split and how old are you two?

 

That being said, you are not doing your daughter any favors by trying to stay in a toxic relationship. Given your description of what's going on between you, unraveling the layers is going to take a really long time. You both seem to have some unhealthy coping skills and conflict resolution skills. You cannot make a relationship healthy until both parties are themselves emotionally/mentally healthy. The building blocks for the relationship need to be sound. You don't build a house from the top down.

 

If anything, what you should be doing right now in couples therapy, is working on putting together an amicable co-parenting relationship/environment for the sake of the child's future.

 

It is "right" for you to leave a child's father if that father isn't demonstrating that he is/can be a good father and if that father isn't treating her mother with respect. You are her mother and have the #1 priority of protecting her and seeing that she is provided with a healthy home. You two are not married and, frankly, you are not obligated to work on the relationship even for the sake of the child.

 

am afraid of starting over with a 1 month old -- You have nothing to fear, but fear itself . . . The energy that fear creates can be used to move us forward or hold us back from realizing our potential. If you have to be afraid, what you should be afraid of is raising a child in an unstable and unhealthy environment. This affects children in significant ways and forms their emotional and mental outlook for adulthood. A child who watches a father disrespect and abuse her mother, herself becomes insecure and anxious and that comes out in future adult relationships.

Edited July 10, 2017 by Redhead14

[darkmoon]

he sounds like a narcissist trying to triangulate with the counsellor so that you are made to be the one in the wrong

[TheWoman]

Phoebe if I were you I would buy a ticket to the UK, pick up my baby and leave. A man who you have to transfer $20 to so he can have lunch will not be able to pursue you. I have been in your exact situation and it does not get easier, it gets harder and more complicated. Talk to a lawyer at the very least regarding your options.

[spiderowl]

He sounds terrible. He makes decisions without consulting you; that is extremely disrespectful. He does not care for you when you need it. Any idiot can tell when someone is sick and has an infection. He is insulting and demoralising you. He is threatening to have an affair. He has confessed to cheating on his ex-wife more than once. This is a guy who has a partner who needs him at the moment and a newborn baby.

 

I'm not at all surprised you are thinking of leaving. It sounds like you would be better off with your friend. It sounds like he is in the habit of treating women badly and who knows how extreme his abusive behaviour could get? What do you really know about this guy's background and treatment of women? I think I'd be doing some research to see if he had a police record.

 

Sorry, this is an awful position for you to be in. Protect yourself and your baby. Do what you feel is right for you.

Edited July 10, 2017 by spiderowl

[Phoebe]

We met at work, he is 40 and I'm 34. This is my first child and his 4th biological child. We dated for about 1.5 years before first breaking up. We broke up at least from my point of view because he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me (I wanted marriage and children and believed that if after 1.5 years, most of which living with a person then if you don't know if you want to marry them it means you really don't want to), we had the same money issues back then, he would compare me unfavorably to his mother (wanted me to make more of an effort with my appearance) and really had not been intimate for a while. He didn't seem too concerned with us being split up and we managed to work together in the same building without an issue. When I started dating someone else then he started asking for another chance. I ended the other relationship in part because of feeling pulled in different directions and also because of issues emerging in that relationship. We got back together after he hit his head and I took and stayed with him in the hospital because he had a concussion.

 

I started off in counseling first when I was pregnant and was concerned that I had pre-natal depression and some thoughts of self harm. After a while of medication and counseling sessions she suggested I may want to bring my partner with me. At first I resisted because I like having someone I could talk freely with but the issues that we were having within our relationship ended up feeling so big that I asked him to come.

 

I have still been thinking a lot about this. After the last joint session I just felt so tired of feeling negative about him and thought that I would try and focus on the positive and maybe that would help. It worked for about 24 hours. I'm still out on maternity leave right now and have decided to get some things like a new job so I can support myself and arrange day care before making any big decisions. We also have issues regarding our baby but will post that separate.

[BaileyB]

He called me mean and evil. When I questioned him about being evil the next day he said it may have possibly been too strong of a word...

 

So, the fact that he chose to go to work instead of taking you to the hospital is truly awful... But, this is when I chose to stop reading.

 

Really, you think this is not a good guy? How is it going to feel when he calls your daughter these kinds of names. Because this, and any attempt he makes to justify making a statement like this to his life partner and the mother of his child, is simply not acceptable.

Edited July 16, 2017 by BaileyB