Hard to trust my husband after he did this

[jamieoak]

Hi everyone, a while ago I had posted about my husband not supporting me when I was stalked and harassed by someone. Thank you for all your inputs that day. It helped me a lot in having a clear cut discussion and resolve the problem. This time, as I am looking back at our last 4 years of marriage, I am realizing that my husband claims to love and respect me a lot but there are some things that do not add up. I am confused and need some advice / inputs again.

 

This is a slightly sensitive issue. My side of the family loves my husband to bits but his side has always hated me. Thing that happened -

 

In Feb 2017, his parents landed at our home announced. We were going through financial issues so taking care of their needs was impossible. Since they arrived unannounced, I had to ask them to either stay at a hotel or leave because their shopping lists and spending, ordering expensive takeouts for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 days wiped out our wallets quite fast. My husband instead of understanding me, stood by them and kicked me out. He then picked up our toddler from daycare and brought him home without my knowledge. I called the police for help and he told them the reason he kicked me out was because I hit him - he just made that up, I was really hurt and heartbroken he made something like that up. He also started contacting divorce lawyers. In the midst of all that, while I was wandering the streets helpless, a kind neighbor saw me and stepped in to help me. She connected me to Women's Support Group who provided me free food, legal advice and a lot of support to tackle my husbands actions. Day 2 he suddenly calmed down and everything was back to normal, like nothing happened.

 

He still let his parents stay two extra days after that mess. He told me I have to accept it and let the parents stay or he will file for a divorce. I said ok.

 

All of the above happened in Feb 2017. The pain, heartbreak and the backstabbing I went through due to what he did I am not describing that in my post. It was really painful. Fast forward to today - my husband says that he was completely brainwashed by his parents back then to leave me and that his parents belong to a cult and raised him in a cult and due to that he was easily brainwashed in February. I knew nothing about him being raised in a cult like family. He revealed this to me now after 4 years of marriage. He says even he didn't know and never realized until now that he was raised in a cult - he says that is how cults work. Ok. Sometimes I feel he is making that up and sometimes I feel he is right. I am very naive and I take things at face value quite often - I am not proud of being like that, I have tried really hard to change that. I want to know your opinions and advice on this.

[knabe]

My opinion is that he is an abusive, manipulative liar. Honestly, I would recommend making use of that women's group to get you and your child out of there.

[GorillaTheater]

The whole situation sounds a bit nuts to me. What's the name of this cult?

[BelleOfTheBall88]

Well, a husband should always stand by their wife in my opinion. And, the family showing up unannounced is a bit rude if you ask me. Especially going through financial issues at the time.

I would say to talk to him and really put your feelings out there. Talk about how bad he hurt you and make sure he knows it.

If he loves you, he will stand by you.

[jamieoak]

The whole situation sounds a bit nuts to me. What's the name of this cult?

 

sometimes his parents said they are conservative Presbyterian and sometimes they said they are Amish. I looked both of them up and couldn't find any information on them being cult. All the information I found on the internet says that both are unlike cult

[knabe]

sometimes his parents said they are conservative Presbyterian and sometimes they said they are Amish. I looked both of them up and couldn't find any information on them being cult. All the information I found on the internet says that both are unlike cult

 

While individual churches or groups can go overboard, I suppose, neither the Prebyterian Church nor the Amish Faith are cults. He is just manipulating.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Neither of those are cults. And, if he was Amish you'd have known about it before now! My ex husband's grandfather was Amish and I knew about it as soon as we started dating.

 

Presbyterianism isn't even close to being one of the most strict of Christian denominations.

[jamieoak]

I feel he is manipulating as well. I feel that he is making excuses for his behavior. There is no cult at all. Why would he suddenly behave like this with me I just don't understand. I have been a good wife to him, always supported him in every decision he ever made, always loved him and suddenly his parents arrive and he kicks me out. And he lies to the police saying I hit him. Keeping my child away from me. Why would someone do that is what I don't understand.

 

Now, he sings a completely different tune. Is there something I should change about myself so that he doesn't do this to me again? I workout everyday, stay fit, I work hard and also make dinner for my family so that we can sit down and eat together. In spite of knowing fully well that his parents hate me I tried to keep the family together. After being exhausted from all that, I even watch my child over the weekends, while he studies and takes online courses here and there. Not only that, but he took a silly job last year with a big title but huge salary cut, because he was afraid to negotiate. His work provides the worst insurance where we have to pay $13k out of pocket every year before getting any insurance benefits. I am self-employed so I don't have my own insurance. Whatever money gets saved it is spent either on healthcare bills or educational courses he wants to take. I respect that he wants to study and take on these courses but me and my child sacrifice for little things as well.

 

I know I am just complaining and venting at this point, but what changes can I bring from my end so that this doesn't happen again?

[elaine567]

There are no changes you can make, he is just a user and abuser.

He takes money out of your child's hands so he can "study".

Are any of these online courses worth anything in the real world?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

There's nothing you can change about yourself that will change him being being fundamentally who he is.

 

I'd love to know the actual name of the supposed cult.

[elaine567]

There's nothing you can change about yourself that will change him being being fundamentally who he is.

 

I'd love to know the actual name of the supposed cult.

 

I guess, the Ima Deital Lup cult.

[jamieoak]

There are no changes you can make, he is just a user and abuser.

He takes money out of your child's hands so he can "study".

Are any of these online courses worth anything in the real world?

 

I have often wondered if these courses are worth anything but he wants to get back to school and get a higher degree. He is in the technology field whereas I am completely disconnected from the tech industry / tech education since my educational background is pure non-tech. I have no idea but I believed him when he said having certificates from these online courses will make his application stand out tremendously.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have often wondered if these courses are worth anything but he wants to get back to school and get a higher degree. He is in the technology field whereas I am completely disconnected from the tech industry / tech education since my educational background is pure non-tech. I have no idea but I believed him when he said having certificates from these online courses will make his application stand out tremendously.

 

Have you seen any certificates? What level degree does he already have?

[jamieoak]

Have you seen any certificates? What level degree does he already have?

 

He hasn't received the certificates yet. He says it will take 3-4 months before his final exams and then he will get the certificates. He has a bachelors in computer science and wants to get a masters in the same field. But the deadline for application for masters at most schools is around Dec 2 and he hasn't even studied for the GRE yet or even taken the GRE. He puts all his efforts and time in taking these online courses. 3 hours after work M-F and all day saturday-sunday he is studying for the online tech courses.

Edited July 6, 2017 by jamieoak

[mrs rubble]

Did he confess to the police that he made up the abuse claim? I'd be making damn sure that the records are clear and there is a record of him doing this. Protect yourself.

I wouldn't trust him again if I were you.

[jamieoak]

Did he confess to the police that he made up the abuse claim? I'd be making damn sure that the records are clear and there is a record of him doing this. Protect yourself.

I wouldn't trust him again if I were you.

 

No, he did not confess to the police that he made it up. I especially found it really scary when that day he told them this "She beat me but I don't want to press any charges because I love her". The way he lied it was shocking and then made it sound like he is doing a favor on me by not pressing charges. I can never forget that day when he did that.

 

Now he is the complete opposite! All he does now is shows extreme disappointment in his parents, has completely banished them from his and our lives. He also shows disappointment in the police and when I ask why since its him who made stuff up, he says he didn't think the police would be ready to arrest me based on his statement. He said at that time he was just trying to instill sense into me as to why I should let his parents stay. I also feel really hurt that after he kicked me out, he let me in on a condition that I let his parents stay for however many days they want and also apologize to them telling them exactly this: 'I am a pathetic person and a terrible human being' - he said he will file for divorce if I didn't apologize saying exactly those words. I complied then since I didn't want to be away from my child, but now I really wish I had pursued a lawyer myself and taken it all the way. My self-esteem and confidence took a severe beating after that incident.

 

He now also says that his first wife (I am his second wife) racked up credit cards bills in his name to the tune of $200k and then cheated on him with other men. So this time, in this marriage (as per him) he wanted to make sure that the wife (me) knows she can't mess around. All I was doing was telling him that we cannot afford to take care of his parents financially that it is taking a toll. I don't care about my needs but there was no money left to even pay for our child's daycare fees or simple things for him that he likes to eat like fruits, vegetables etc. it was so bad. All I was doing was standing up for us, our child and our marriage while his parents were camping in our house, landing unannounced, spending away our money.

 

After that incident, I am so afraid and terrified of the police I don't know how to ask my husband. I also feel very ashamed, I don't know how I'd face the police after what he said to them. I come from a simple family and simple set of parents. The only time my parents ever called the police was if there was a threat to themselves or someone else they saw. I probably will never contact the police for help no matter what crime happens with me, I am that scared and ashamed after that incident

[BaileyB]

I would be scared to stay with your husband. After what he did to you taking your son and calling the police, I would not have returned home. He's manipulative and not to be trusted. I'm honestly not sure why you would stay...

[BaileyB]

All he does now is shows extreme disappointment in his parents, has completely banished them from his and our lives. He also shows disappointment in the police and when I ask why since its him who made stuff up, he says he didn't think the police would be ready to arrest me based on his statement.

 

He said at that time he was just trying to instill sense into me as to why I should let his parents stay. he let me in on a condition that I let his parents stay for however many days they want and also apologize to them telling them exactly this: 'I am a pathetic person and a terrible human being' - he said he will file for divorce if I didn't apologize saying exactly those words.

 

After that incident, I am so afraid and terrified of the police. I probably will never contact the police for help no matter what crime happens with me, I am that scared and ashamed after that incident

 

This just sends chills down my spine because this is the controlling and entitled behavior of a an abuser. Who does this man think he is? Darling, you had best not say that you will never contact the police again because you may well need them again in the future.

 

I suggest that you return to that women's shelter and educate yourself on domestic abuse. Gather information and form an exit plan for you and your child - you may well need it someday.

[healing light]

Is there a way you can have a conversation about the incident with the police and have it secretly recorded? Talk to him about how you're concerned about how he lied or ask why he lied about the abuse claim while your phone or some other device is recording? Or make him come clean directly to the police?

 

I would be very concerned about the record not being straight, especially if you were to divorce him and how that might impact custody of the child. Protect yourself.

 

This story is so outlandish that there's no way I could return to a man after he lied about something of that gravity to an authority that could have legal repercussions against me.

[knitwit]

Jamieoaks- is your username the same, or close to, your real name? If so, please contact a moderator and ask them to change the name. Otherwise, anyone googling you might come across these threads.

 

You say that you know you're naive and that you come from a simple family. I think you are reaching out to us because you feel like you're in over your head with your husband. I am so glad that you are reaching out! You are showing some self-awareness to realize that you're naive. Naivety goes away with experience, and don't underestimate yourself! Your gut told you that all of this was wrong...and your gut is 100% right here.

 

People who are naive generally come from safe lives, where they are able to trust parents, family, their social circle. It's not a bad thing overall, but you do need to be aware of the people who are not safe or trustworthy.

 

Unfortunately, naive people often end up with angry, hurt, and messed up people. The naive person doesn't yet have the experience to recognize the red flags, or correctly attribute the meaning of what is going on. If a person lives in a safe world, and no one teaches the specifics of what makes a person or situation unsafe, then the person will not recognize dangerous situations. It will be just something that is happening.

 

I have no doubt that your husband is one of those hurt/messed up people. Well-balanced, emotionally healthy people do not throw their spouse out onto the street and report them as abusive to the police in order to "show who is boss". Your husband admits that he did it to make you suffer so that you would not question him. He is trying to make sure that you act how he wants to. He wants to keep you in line.

 

I want you to consider how a perfect stranger on the street knew to take you to a women's shelter. The stranger understood what a dangerous and abusive thing your husband did to you. You absolutely should NOT trust your H after this!

 

This is where your naivety has hurt you. A more experienced person (like you are in the process of becoming) knows that what he did has doesn't have anything to do with what you did, other than you dared to displease your Husband. He is just using his power over you. He cannot be trusted. He does not have your best interests at heart; he is concerned with keeping the power in the relationship. You know that what he did was bad, but per your posts, part of you wonders what you can do to stop it from happening again. But you didn't do anything wrong, and every person suffers setbacks and disappointments. Adults learn to handle difficult situations without harming others. Your husband went way, way off-target. He did it because of his own twistedness, not because of your actions. A more experienced person knows this (but the only way to learn it is from experience, so don't beat yourself up!)

 

I strongly agree with the posters who say: go back to the women's shelter and talk more with them. See if you can join a few group therapy sessions. Learn about the cycle of abuse. See if you recognize the things that go on between you and your husband in their stories and in the literature they offer.

 

Many people in abusive (angry and controlling) relationships don't identify their relationships as such. A lot of women have been helped by this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. Do you have a free Kindle Reader app on your phone? If so, you can download the book (does your library have electronic books for loan?) and read it without your Husband ever seeing it. Here is a very short clip:

 

"One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs...I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. So the top point to bear in mind as you read [this book] is to listen carefully to what I am saying, but always to think for yourself."

Also, many angry and controlling people do not recognize that they are this way. It's funny, how much we all fail to identify/understand about ourselves. Your H may not overall be a bad guy, but I think he has a serious issue. Be watchful- you'll learn that these things go in circles. True, he is 180 degrees from when he kicked you out of the house and made false accusations, but eventually he will get mad about something and will act out again. Until he learns how to better manage his anger, he's a wildcard, no one knows what he will do.

 

I hope this is helpful. Please continue to keep posting!

[BaileyB]

That's the thing with abusers, they are not abusers all the time. That's the cycle of abuse - they get angry and do something hurtful, then they repent and treat you well to draw you back into a feeling of security, until they get angry and do something hurtful again...

 

Your husband is something else. He is "disappointed" in his parents. He is "disappointed" in the police. He is "disappointed" in his ex-wife. And he is "disappointed" in you. Is he really the only perfect person? I mean, what right does he think he has to be "disappointed" in all these people when all they have done is "not" do what he wanted them to do. He is arrogant, entitled, and controlling.

 

Your husband has no right to tell you what you should do or say. He has no right to belittle you in front of his family or your child. Do you really want your child to grow up in a home where he watches his father treat his mother with such little respect? And what are you going to do when he treats your child this way?

 

You do need to think about the fact that a complete stranger found you on the street and recognized that you were in an abusive relationship and in need of help. Your self esteem and your confidence has taken a hit, as you say. There is good reason for that - he was intentional in what he did because he wanted you to be afraid and he wanted to keep you in line. He manages by intimidation. You should definitely not trust him. He will do it again until you have become so isolated and so defeated that you do exactly what he wants and you believe that you can not leave...

 

Which is why, we encourage you to educate yourself and seek support.

 

By all means, keep posting. You have support here.

Edited July 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[hammyy2k]

so since your husband didnt get physical with those harassing you, you are rethinking your entire marriage?

 

how typical.

[MidwestUSA]

so since your husband didnt get physical with those harassing you, you are rethinking your entire marriage?

 

how typical.

 

What?! Are we even reading the same posts?

 

Her husband is a controlling, manipulative ass. Where did you read that she wanted him to 'get physical' with anyone? I'm sure he's quite capable of it, abusers usually turn physical after a time.

 

SMH.

[knabe]

What?! Are we even reading the same posts?

 

Her husband is a controlling, manipulative ass. Where did you read that she wanted him to 'get physical' with anyone? I'm sure he's quite capable of it, abusers usually turn physical after a time.

 

SMH.

 

I read it as she is ONLY staying because he hasn't gotten physical, even though he is clearly an abuser.

 

OP, the more I read about your husband, the more he scares me, and I'm not one of those "run to histrionics and a diagnosis" people. In fact, those people drive me crazy. But your husband sounds like a sociopath. He really does.

 

PLEASE keep yourself and your children safe.

[MidwestUSA]

I read it as she is ONLY staying because he hasn't gotten physical, even though he is clearly an abuser.

 

OP, the more I read about your husband, the more he scares me, and I'm not one of those "run to histrionics and a diagnosis" people. In fact, those people drive me crazy. But your husband sounds like a sociopath. He really does.

 

PLEASE keep yourself and your children safe.

 

 

I definitely agree with you on the sociopath. And yes, just reading scares me too.

 

OP, get out now, this will not get better. Get your support systems in place and GO. Godspeed.