Author jamieoak Posted July 7, 2017 Author Share Posted July 7, 2017 I would be scared to stay with your husband. After what he did to you taking your son and calling the police, I would not have returned home. He's manipulative and not to be trusted. I'm honestly not sure why you would stay… The reason I am staying is because I don’t want our child to grow up in a broken home with divorced parents. I am worried about the impact it will have on our child. This just sends chills down my spine because this is the controlling and entitled behavior of a an abuser. Who does this man think he is? Darling, you had best not say that you will never contact the police again because you may well need them again in the future. I suggest that you return to that women's shelter and educate yourself on domestic abuse. Gather information and form an exit plan for you and your child - you may well need it someday. Folks from the women’s shelter stay in touch with me and contact me on a regular basis to check in and make sure I am okay. I am really touched by their gesture and concern for me. My husband is going to be attending counseling with me and the counselor has told him there are a lot of things he needs to work on and he is taking the counselor’s advice seriously, so that makes me feel a bit better. Is there a way you can have a conversation about the incident with the police and have it secretly recorded? Talk to him about how you're concerned about how he lied or ask why he lied about the abuse claim while your phone or some other device is recording? Or make him come clean directly to the police? I had a talk with him and told him exactly what you mentioned. He said he will write a letter / make a written request saying that the accusation he made about me “beating” him up was made up by him, it was a lie and that he is sorry for doing so. He said next week Thursday he will go to the civil center and submit this letter. The counselor we are going to be seeing will be working with him on this and addressing his issues on controlling, manipulation, etc. People who are naive generally come from safe lives, where they are able to trust parents, family, their social circle. It's not a bad thing overall, but you do need to be aware of the people who are not safe or trustworthy. Fortunately or unfortunately, that is true. My parents have had no issues ever and are still happily married. They raised me and my brother in a very safe and protected environment. I have had to go through this incident to realize that life is not easy by any stretch and that I need to be very vigilant and brush up on the law, etc. I have learned the hard way Unfortunately, naive people often end up with angry, hurt, and messed up people. The naive person doesn't yet have the experience to recognize the red flags, or correctly attribute the meaning of what is going on. If a person lives in a safe world, and no one teaches the specifics of what makes a person or situation unsafe, then the person will not recognize dangerous situations. It will be just something that is happening. That was the case when I was dating my husband. He and his family had obvious red flags - my husband was always eager to please his parents and older brother. He never stood up for himself when they would repeatedly insult him and constantly put him down. I noticed that they don't respect him at all, but took it in stride later on thinking how happy they are with each other and laugh and share jokes with each other. I should have trusted my instincts. I am definitely buying the book you recommend Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft That's the thing with abusers, they are not abusers all the time. That's the cycle of abuse - they get angry and do something hurtful, then they repent and treat you well to draw you back into a feeling of security, until they get angry and do something hurtful again… BaileyB, when I had a talk with my husband last night, I printed your response and read it out to him - he got extremely worried and almost started crying. I just told him that someone from the shelter called me and told me this. I didn’t tell him that I posted on these forums and kind people are helping me navigate. Your words are so mature and powerful that he didn’t have anything to say to oppose or convince me. 15 mins later he got terrified that I will leave him and asked if I am going to divorce him. I said “I want you to understand the impact your actions had on me and my sanity, the fear and insecurity, the low confidence and destroyed self-esteem it created in me. Making up silly stuff not to a random person but a police officer, blocking access to my child was a very wrong thing to do. Keeping the child away from their mother is just wrong. I love our child and that I respect the sanctity of marriage, so no I am not going to divorce you. I need you to continue going for counseling and figure out why you did what you did”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 (edited) I would be scared to stay with your husband. After what he did to you taking your son and calling the police, I would not have returned home. He's manipulative and not to be trusted. I'm honestly not sure why you would stay… The reason I am staying is because I don’t want our child to grow up in a broken home with divorced parents. I am worried about the impact it will have on our child. I didn't even read any more after this. Most married people who have children never expect to be in the position to have their kids end up in "broken homes." I'm here to tell you kids can survive and THRIVE in "broken homes." Broken homes do not have to mean permanently broken people. My kids are 14 and 16 and chill, well-behaved, respectful kids. If either one of them ever talked back to me (or their dad) I would be so shocked they probably would not even be punished because I would be speechless . They do well in school (one has some academic challenges ), have good friends, help around the house, sleep well, and are happy. One of them recently told me she was happy we were divorced and not living like "XXX" (another family we know). And I'm not even friends with my ex....not even close. OK, carry on . Edited July 7, 2017 by CautiouslyOptimistic Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamieoak Posted July 7, 2017 Author Share Posted July 7, 2017 I didn't even read any more after this. Most married people who have children never expect to be in the position to have their kids end up in "broken homes." I'm here to tell you kids can survive and THRIVE in "broken homes." Broken homes do not have to mean permanently broken people. My kids are 14 and 16 and chill, well-behaved, respectful kids. If either one of them ever talked back to me (or their dad) I would be so shocked they probably would not even be punished because I would be speechless . They do well in school (one has some academic challenges ), have good friends, help around the house, sleep well, and are happy. One of them recently told me she was happy we were divorced and not living like "XXX" (another family we know). And I'm not even friends with my ex....not even close. OK, carry on . I agree with you here. I am sorry my comment must have come across as rude and judgmental. My family echoed exactly your words when the incident took place. Not only did they say the exact same thing but I know many people my age and many children / teenagers who are more than happy growing up in a single parent household than the other way around. I will admit it was my fear that was talking. When the situation occurred and my husband said he wants to leave me, I was terrified, not because I was afraid of being left by him but because of not having access to my child. That fear is still there somewhere I am sorry if I was rude. Frankly, I have an inkling that my husband will change. I don't want to give him chances after chances on repeat. This is the first time he did it and I am thinking of giving him another chance to correct his behavior Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 (edited) I'm glad that you read our responses and found them helpful. It would seem that you have decided to stay. I hope that counselling is helpful and your husband has an epiphany. I'm sceptical, but I hope for your sake and the sake of your child that your husband sees the error of his ways and makes the changes he needs to make. It is good that the women's shelter stays in touch. I would suggest that you stay in contact and educate yourself on the cycle of abuse and develop an exit plan - in the event that you need it. And if I may, I agree with cautiously optimistic. I would much rather be a child or have a child from a broken home than a home with domestic violence. Don't ever fool yourself into believing that staying in an emotionally or physically abusive home is better than divorce. Kids are resilient - they will cope with a divorce. Raise your children in a home where you or they are abused, and they will pity you and hate you forever. We obviously wish you well. Stay safe. Edited July 7, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 Just remember that "almost" crying and being terrified you will leave him and appealing to your sense of pity is not unknown in abusers. Just be very careful. Do not take divorce off the table because if you do and he knows you are NEVER going to leave, then that may give him a free hand to keep abusing you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 Just remember that "almost" crying and being terrified you will leave him and appealing to your sense of pity is not unknown in abusers. Just be very careful. Absolutely. This is the kind of manipulation that happens in abusive relationships. He will be very apologetic until the next time that he feels challenged or threatened by a specific situation - and then the old coping skills and abusive behaviors reappear and you are in a dangerous situation. Be very careful if you stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I agree with you here. I am sorry my comment must have come across as rude and judgmental. My family echoed exactly your words when the incident took place. Not only did they say the exact same thing but I know many people my age and many children / teenagers who are more than happy growing up in a single parent household than the other way around. I will admit it was my fear that was talking. When the situation occurred and my husband said he wants to leave me, I was terrified, not because I was afraid of being left by him but because of not having access to my child. That fear is still there somewhere I am sorry if I was rude. Frankly, I have an inkling that my husband will change. I don't want to give him chances after chances on repeat. This is the first time he did it and I am thinking of giving him another chance to correct his behavior I wasn't offended and didn't take it as you being rude . I'm sorry if I came off like I was offended! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 This is very sad indeed. His parents have clearly influenced him in a negative way. It's good that he's banned them from your house, but I would insist that he visits the police and confesses that false report. I would not trust anything he says about writing a letter, I'd insist on going with him and witnessing his confession. That's a minimum. The whole cult thing sounds so bizarre to make up, so I'm inclined to believe it to an extent. The influence of the Amish could be described as a cult by some people, due to their lifestyle. You need to make his police confession a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
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