living situation

[bct2017]

Hello me and my spouse are separating. We live in a dense city and my spouse is super sensitive about crime and living on here own. For instance she will not live on a first floor and has to be neighborhood with lower crime.

 

She has been having some trouble finding apartment over the summer and we are living like roommates. We sleep in same bed but have not had sex in over a year, We sleep in same bed out of comfort.

 

She does not want the apartment we live in so i will stay for the rest of ten month lease.

 

Would it really be dysfunctional and unhealthy if she ended up staying for ten months? I think if she stayed we would make the living room another bedroom and sleep in different rooms. The only thing good out of this I can see is saving money for both of us and we can decide if we want to give therapy another try. But I really think the relationship is over so we would be like roommates. Is this a bad idea?

 

I am thinking it would be a worse idea for spouse since I am the one that is leaning out it would be prolonging our marriage.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It really depends on you both.

 

When my ex and I separated, we did so amicably. We sold our family home and each bought our own new dwellings. Mine became available quickly where as my ex's place took a bit longer and then he had to go through several months of serious renovations which made his place uninhabitable. During this time he stayed with me in my new place and slept in the spare bedroom.

 

For us, it was perfectly fine and felt very natural and most importantly, temporary with an end date set.

 

As long as you're both on the same page about separating/divorcing, you STOP sleeping in the same bed, have a clear EXIT date AND you're NOT dating other people during this transition, I don't really see too much wrong with it.

 

Many people will emphatically disagree mainly because the optics of it may be hard to get past but only you know the state of your relationship as it is now and if something like this would work.

 

If, however, your spouse is NOT wanting the separation/divorce, it could prove problematic and give her false hope. Tread carefully.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[aileD]

It could work but would most likely get messy if one of you starts dating in that period.

 

Do you want the marriage to work?

[bct2017]

It could work but would most likely get messy if one of you starts dating in that period.

 

Do you want the marriage to work?

 

 

Well I know I would not have a relationship until fully divorced and living separate because I do not want to hurt spouse, it is not healthy, h]and I would be scared of spouses reaction.

 

I think age is a big deal in all of this I am 37 spouse is 39 she should be the one thinking about meeting someone but she does not she is worried about her age but makes statements like I will never marry again and dating is the last thing on her mind.

 

I fantasize about being with other women and always check other women out but I feel cheating will be to much stress for me to handle.

[d0nnivain]

Would it really be dysfunctional and unhealthy if she ended up staying for ten months? Is this a bad idea?

 

I am thinking it would be a worse idea for spouse since I am the one that is leaning out it would be prolonging our marriage.

 

 

It may also impact when you can get divorced. Talk to a lawyer but in many US states you have to live separate & apart for some period of time (1 year to 18 months) before you can even file.

 

 

It sounds like it would be awful. What happens if one of you wants to date?

 

 

She's dragging her feet as a way of hanging on to you & the marriage.

[bct2017]

It may also impact when you can get divorced. Talk to a lawyer but in many US states you have to live separate & apart for some period of time (1 year to 18 months) before you can even file.

 

 

It sounds like it would be awful. What happens if one of you wants to date?

 

 

She's dragging her feet as a way of hanging on to you & the marriage.

 

in the state we live in it will not effect the divorce.

 

I think she may be dragging her feet a little we both are having relationship ambivalence. She is not looking for an apartment as hard as she should be she also is not dealing with her emotions and preparing the way she should be.

 

I sometimes have doubts about divorce and I do not think about dating. I made up my mind I am moving to another state in ten months so A lot of my energy will be focused on that therefore i will not be building a new life here but a new one in ten months when i move to where i am moving. Florida.

 

 

I moveI out a year ago for four months and i felt i missed spouse so I moved back in. I felt it was a mistake right after moving in but I felt bad because of what O was putting spouse through. We live in a small building I think we are embarrassed about having to tell the landlord one of us is moving out again for the second time. We have lived here for three years and are considered good tenants.

[bct2017]

If my spouse is going through a hard time would offering her to stay over winter be a bad idea?

 

the rules would be clear if we are still planning on divorce there will be boundries like no dating no sex with eachother.

 

 

A few of the reasons I am thinking to offer this to my spouse are

 

1. She has no family in this country they are all in eastern Europe if she stays she can go there more easily and be with family for awhile without having to worry about all the ethings she would have to accomplish if we totally split in the next month.

 

2. She is in the middle of trying to change careers and go back to school if she stays with me for ten more months she can save money.

 

3. We both have relationship ambevilence but i lean towards seperation. If she stays with the boundries we already made we can make a decision if we want to try therapy although it is hard to find a good therapist.

 

The draw back of staying for her is she is 39 so when we finally divorce she will be forty and not getting any younger to meet someone else.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If my spouse is going through a hard time would offering her to stay over winter be a bad idea?

 

the rules would be clear if we are still planning on divorce there will be boundries like no dating no sex with eachother.

 

 

A few of the reasons I am thinking to offer this to my spouse are

 

1. She has no family in this country they are all in eastern Europe if she stays she can go there more easily and be with family for awhile without having to worry about all the ethings she would have to accomplish if we totally split in the next month.

 

2. She is in the middle of trying to change careers and go back to school if she stays with me for ten more months she can save money.

 

3. We both have relationship ambevilence but i lean towards seperation. If she stays with the boundries we already made we can make a decision if we want to try therapy although it is hard to find a good therapist.

 

The draw back of staying for her is she is 39 so when we finally divorce she will be forty and not getting any younger to meet someone else.

 

Again, I think only you can really gauge if this living arrangement will work.

 

If you do continue to bunk together, I really can't stress enough how important it is that you both discuss and plan some sort of deadline for things to progress in either direction; either reconciliation or separation.

 

Living together indefinitely, even in separate bedrooms, WILL get old and WILL be very problematic the longer you continue spinning your wheels.

 

I respect and appreciate you wanting to help your spouse knowing her predicament but you need to have a plan in place and talk openly about it to ensure you're both on the same page.

 

How long have you been married? Why are you entertaining separation?

[bct2017]

We have been together 6 married 5. There is a recent post titled to much guilt that has two post in it that a moderator combined I was being blunt and you can get a feel there. The second half of that post was another question. I have not even looked at the post because I feel like a horrible person . I need to invest more time in a post like right now I am at a park on phone if spouse read the guilt post she we be very upset even know I discussed with her.

[bct2017]

I also have the relationship ambivilence thread if you have time to skim I need to make up my mind between hurting wife further or ending relationship. It is hard to explain but we both are dragging this out.