Finally Broke Down and Asked for a Two Month Break

[PrincessWarrior1]

I allowed my boyfriend to move into my place. Things were pretty good for a while. It was easier for both of us. He had the comfort of my place and I had the comfort of his vehicle, not being alone, and he bought all the groceries and my health and beauty products.

 

We both have health issues (43 F), (47, M). There is a lot of both good and bad when you are friends from your youth. The good being that it was instant love, trust, and comfort. The bad is that he knows too much about me and he would use those things against me. (I'm 10 years sober plus the child hood abuse that he promised to try to reverse and not be cruel like my family or others on top of my bipolar depression). I feel that he completely reneged on that deal and became cruel like the rest. Calling me names behind my back and then denying it. I'm completely crushed. It's one thing to know what your in for. By that I mean a jerk that is at least honest about being a jerk. But to have someone get you all full of hope and make all these promises, to turn around and hurt you so badly is another thing.

 

I feel it's important to say in the beginning he worshiped me and was totally into me. As time went on the desire faded and I was initiating all the affection. I started to feel very used and abused.

 

Everything came to a head and I kicked him out for the 2nd time. The first time I begged for him to come back. This time I asked for 2 months because I feel very hurt and taken for granted. I'm using NC, it's been several days.

 

Can someone please reinforce that it has to be him to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It also has to be him to chase me all over again or nothing. I just feel he doesn't know the difference between lust and love. He admitted to not having a real relationship and not being very emotional with his past flings. He was very emotional with me in the beginning. I just feel that he pulled out his past tactics and became very self serving. I've unfortunately had too many abusive relationships that I've had to escape. Along with being abused as a child in every way that u can be.

 

If someone could please give me direction or advice so I can redeem myself quicker and be clear headed to move in a positive direction. Thank you so much LS Friends!

Edited July 6, 2017 by PrincessWarrior1

[BaileyB]

It's hard to say much because you haven't given much information. I have looked at your other thread because I remember your story. I wonder if you actually need to be alone for a while. You have been in abusive relationships and you moved in with this guy very quickly. Nothing about this seems healthy to me. Best wishes.

[PrincessWarrior1]

It's hard to say much because you haven't given much information. I have looked at your other thread because I remember your story. I wonder if you actually need to be alone for a while. You have been in abusive relationships and you moved in with this guy very quickly. Nothing about this seems healthy to me. Best wishes.

 

I think you're absolutely right about being alone. He basically forced me into a serious relationship. I feel like it was all about him and satisfying his crush he had on me. Even his own mother said he thinks alot of himself. Towards the end he was giving me nothing but problems and I felt like a slave in my own place. None of my needs were being met. I am more peaceful now. I just need to get the anger out of my soul and I'll be as fine as expensive aged wine.

[bluefeather]

You broke up with him 2 times, yet you want him to chase you/put his romantic life on hold for you for some months... Whether or not he is in the wrong, that just doesn't make sense. Yes, have your alone time, but that doesn't sound like the foundation of a good relationship, and a man with a healthy sense of self-worth probably wouldn't tolerate that kind of treatment.

[Liesbeth]

You say that you have had abusive relationships in the past. I agree with the others and also think that you should be alone for a while and try to heal yourself first. Maybe it's a good idea to talk with a third party? They often can provide you insights, you cannot see yourself.

It is my experience that if you are damaged, you also attract damaged (and often abusive) love more easily. I strongly believe that when you are at a good place with yourself it is much easier to set up boundaries and have a healthy relationship. Too bad it is easier said than done, but I am working on it and I think it would be good if you did too.

Try to be strong and try to take care of yourself (even though that can be hard at times). No relationship is in my opinion better than an abusive one.

[Zahara]

Can someone please reinforce that it has to be him to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It also has to be him to chase me all over again or nothing. I just feel he doesn't know the difference between lust and love. He admitted to not having a real relationship and not being very emotional with his past flings. He was very emotional with me in the beginning. I just feel that he pulled out his past tactics and became very self serving.

 

Even if he came back and apologized, he remains the same person that put you in this position. What you desire is temporary because at some point, his will revert to who he truly is and nothing changes. A break doesn't do anything but prolong the inevitable. Your decision should be permanent -- and that is to remove yourself from him and move on. Nothing changes otherwise.

 

I've unfortunately had too many abusive relationships that I've had to escape. Along with being abused as a child in every way that u can be.

 

Unfortunately, when you've been involved in a pattern of abusive relationships -- it's all you will continue to attract until you do the work on yourself. Abuse is all you know and in some form acceptable. Remove yourself from him, stay alone, seek counselling and invest all your energy on working towards rebuilding and reframing.

[PrincessWarrior1]

You broke up with him 2 times, yet you want him to chase you/put his romantic life on hold for you for some months... Whether or not he is in the wrong, that just doesn't make sense. Yes, have your alone time, but that doesn't sound like the foundation of a good relationship, and a man with a healthy sense of self-worth probably wouldn't tolerate that kind of treatment.

 

Yup, thank you for your cruelty and honesty. Mother karma will also remember that. You can't go around exploiting good loyal faithful kind women. I mean you can, but it won't end well for you one way or the other. Either you will end up alone in the end realizing how selfish you have been, most of time it's when you start having health issues and don't have much to offer anyone on this free earth. Either way men like that get it in the end because you'll look around as you are with a women who is 300 lbs and wants to exploit you because that's all that either of you are left to choose from. That really happen to his awful biological father, all he could do was latch onto whoever would have him.

[PrincessWarrior1]

You say that you have had abusive relationships in the past. I agree with the others and also think that you should be alone for a while and try to heal yourself first. Maybe it's a good idea to talk with a third party? They often can provide you insights, you cannot see yourself.

It is my experience that if you are damaged, you also attract damaged (and often abusive) love more easily. I strongly believe that when you are at a good place with yourself it is much easier to set up boundaries and have a healthy relationship. Too bad it is easier said than done, but I am working on it and I think it would be good if you did too.

Try to be strong and try to take care of yourself (even though that can be hard at times). No relationship is in my opinion better than an abusive one.

 

Thank you, that was the response I was looking for and I was doing just that. This one just happen because I trusted him because we knew each other as babies (F 12) (M 17) knew the same people and he had a crush on me then but I was too young, etc.

 

I already feel better having my place back to myself. I can have integrity, dignity, self-esteem, and self-respect. It's going to take a few more weeks to get rid of the anger of being used and hurt. Especially when it's someone who made promises and got me all full of hope, unlike the others who were at least upfront about the cruelty.

 

I don't have a problem with even staying alone or not finding anyone till my kids are older and I'm 50 years old. Kind of like Sandra Bullock, I have good genetics and I take care of myself physically. I just need to find more emotional safety. I'm very busy being a hero to my youth and everyone else's (9-30 yrs old).

 

You couldn't be more right that having "no relationship is better than having a bad one." We can take care of ourselves with out having the devil in the background undoing all our work, breaking us down in every way unfortunately.

 

Soldier on my friend and thank you for your kind response and support!

[PrincessWarrior1]

Even if he came back and apologized, he remains the same person that put you in this position. What you desire is temporary because at some point, his will revert to who he truly is and nothing changes. A break doesn't do anything but prolong the inevitable. Your decision should be permanent -- and that is to remove yourself from him and move on. Nothing changes otherwise.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, when you've been involved in a pattern of abusive relationships -- it's all you will continue to attract until you do the work on yourself. Abuse is all you know and in some form acceptable. Remove yourself from him, stay alone, seek counselling and invest all your energy on working towards rebuilding and reframing.

 

I like that thank you! You're right, when one develops coping techniques as a child, he or she will continue to attract abusers because it's sort of a comfort zone. I know that needs to be changed and I do an extensive amount of self-help reading. Again, when the pain subsides, I will continue on with my self-help reading to include rebuilding and reframing.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know what you think is going to get better in 60 days. Breaks solve nothing. End it once & for all. he's not going to change & you now know he's 2 faced. Be done with him.